Ok, good song for this chapter was suggested by a fabulous reviewer: Sprinkledwithtwilight. Tied Together With a Smile by Taylor Swift. It makes the chapters doubly sad =P
It was seeing him like this that hurt me most. I sat down next to him, and brushed his knotted hair out of his face. He wasn't cold, but his lips were blue and he was shaking. My Jacob, the protector, shaking like a leaf in the breeze. My still heart broke another thousand times. He was sleeping; a drip attached into his arm and a million wires coming out at all different angle, His breathing was labored and heavy and under his eyes were huge dark circles, symbolizing the many sleepless nights spent writhing in pain.
I shook my head fiercely; it is memories like these that are going to stop me from healing.It is memories like these that stop me from getting on with things. It is memories like these that let me dishonor my promise to Jacob.
The next letter is meant to be here today, but Leah hasn't brought it. Maybe she is waiting for me to go and visit her, maybe she doesn't want to come here, what with all the vampires. A trip to La Push wouldn't be a problem as such. I would just rather not. Too many memories. Like salt in a fresh wound, I think it would do more harm than good.
Nothing is making a lot of sense right now. I function, I go through all the necessary motions, yet nothing is really going in. A strange sense of Deja Vu overwhelmed me; this feeling of not feeling is not too unlike from the grief I felt when Edward left. Like an eclipse, my own personal sun was gone.
This is not how Jake wanted me to be. I don't honestly think he wrote the letters meaning for me to be anxious and irritable like this. I'm going to see Leah; I need to get that letter. My legs feel like lead, I want to go, I really do, but I know that it will only get to me again, and I don't know whether I'm ready for another heartbreak just yet. But am I ready to carry on as I am? Waiting. I've done too much waiting. I need to go. Is this how Jake meant it to be? Me, arguing with myself, not knowing where I stand, and what I should do? How did he mean for the letters to make me? Happy? He can't possibly have thought I would be smiling. Sad? Would Jacob ever have purposely made me upset? I doubt it. Why did he write them? Because he knows me so well, he knew I wouldn't be ready to let go, he knew I would want a little piece of him, after he had gone. He knew me, better than I know myself. Where is the sense in that…
***
Hey Bells,
2 months? And I hope to God you are staying strong, Missy! How did you get on with the smiling, Bella? I hope it helped, and I bet people around you felt the effect. You made 2 promises to me; Smile more, and, most importantly, tell Nessie about me. How about another promise? No apologizing, no more sorrys over stuff out of your control, Bella. Not one sorry until the next letter. All you've done since I got ill is say sorry, and, I hope, that now I've gone, you've realized sorry is such a useless word. What does sorry fix, really?
Can I tell you something Bella? I want to tell you something Bella, and I hope it won't hurt you, because that's the last thing I want to do but…You're killing me, Bella; you sit there, day in, day out, caring for me, being nice to me, helping me through all this. Yet you're not really doing anything, Bella, and, truth be told, there's nothing you can do. So why bother? Why even try and make little old me happy? Because (and I hope I'm not wrong in saying this) Bella, you need me, I needed you. Like I (not so much you anymore) needed air to breathe, we need each other, Bells. I watched you fall to pieces, and you never knew how much that hurt me, but I put you back together, you thanked me with your friendship, and we were even. But now, now you're watching me fall apart, and you know as well as I do that there is nothing in this world that can save me now. Did it eat you up inside? I've been there Bella; I know how much it hurts to see someone you care about so much slowly wilting. You may have come out the other side, but I can't now, Bells, and please don't let that get you down.
You told me something today Bella, and I bet you don't remember saying it. You told me, that I come 3rd in your most important people list, above Charlie, and Renee, but there's something I don't understand, Bella, where do you come on this list? Nessie, Edward, Me…Do you not see just how wonderful you are? Take a look at yourself Bella, how many odds have you overcome? You don't see it, do you? Without you, Bella, I would have given up my fight months ago, so, re-write your list, and take yourself at face value, Bella.
I know I'll miss you, once I'm gone. But don't miss me; it's a waste of energy. But love me, please. Even if it's only a fraction as much as I love you.
I
love you Bella, forever.
Your
version of forever, not mine
Jake
x
'Can, I just, have a minute?' Bella said between sobs, running up the stairs, like a bolt of lightning, clutching the second letter tightly to her chest like it was welded there. I'm still wary of whether these letters are such a good idea but I don't want to let Bella know that just yet, they are keeping her happy. Happier anyway. I could hear Nessie at the door; she knocked softly and ran over to me, an inquisitive look on her sweet face.
'Daddy, what's wrong with Mummy? Why is she upset?' Nessie said, her soprano voice breaking my heart. I sat her on my lap and she turned to look at me, a confused look on her face. She placed her small, warm hand to my face, replaying the image of Bella arriving home, the second letter clutched to her heart again, her body heaving with the tearless sobs.
'Do you remember your Jake?' I said, brushing her long hair out of her eyes, she nodded, a sad look in her eyes.
'Where did my Jacob go, Daddy? He never comes to see me anymore, does he not love me?' Her beautiful brown eyes were brimming with tears.
'Of course Jake still loves you, baby. He's gone to heaven, to live with the angels, that's why we don't see him anymore. But he still loves you, more than you will ever understand, Renesmee.'
'Is that why Mummy is sad? Because Jake is with the angels?'
'Yes, she misses him very much.'
'Why don't we tell her then; let's tell Mummy Jake is looking after us from heaven, I don't want her to be sad…' I smiled, sadly. I wish it were that easy…
'I think she knows, but she just wishes he was here still. If we give her time, she will be ok.'
'I wish he was still here, too. Daddy, will Jacob come back…'
'No, I'm sorry, Sweetheart.' Her eyes filled with tears and she looked down at her hands, tears dropping onto her lap. 'But, I love him…I don't want him to leave me, not forever, I love him…'
Ok, so it's really short, but that last bit really broke my heart, Nessie is only a child and she lost her best friend. Hope you enjoyed it. Oh, by the way, my Beta, OhMyEdward472 is the best. Seriously. Please Review. Emily xxx