CHAPTER THREE
Slowly Bill got more used to living without his sight. He still found that everyday was torture and every night was bliss but with his sanity and his brother back, life became bearable, just. He couldn't stop the pain of waking up everyday, expecting to see the sun's rays bathing his twin's face, only to see the continuous darkness of his world. Most mornings he could be found wrapped in his brother's arms, sobbing into his over-sized clothing. Bill knew he needed to move on, get used to the fact that he would never see again, but he couldn't.
He found that as time moved on his other senses became perfectly honed to make up for his lack of sight. He could smell food cooking before anyone else could and he could pick out exactly what food he could smell down to the type of salad dressing. He could tell who each person was just by the sound of their footsteps and not one person had managed to creep up on him yet. When his friends and family talked to him, he would rest a hand on their face or arm and found he could tell their emotions and sometimes even knew when they were lying.
They hadn't yet moved from the Tokio Hotel flat, something Bill was relieved about. He knew the flat and he could find his way round from the map in his memory. He didn't want to go somewhere he didn't know where he would need someone to help him all the time. He still had one person with him at almost all times. He thought maybe they were worried he would go mad again and try and kill himself. He knew that he couldn't say the idea hadn't crossed his mind. It would be so easy to just die and not have to go through the pain but he couldn't leave his brother on his own either. He couldn't leave Tom at all.
Georg and Gustav stayed in the flat as well. They had both been kind and understanding, acting like true friends. He never felt or heard them flinch when they saw the revolting scarring or his white eyes. They never laughed at him when he knocked something over, just quietly helped him pick it up. Bill heart warmed every time he talked to them and found that they would still hang out with him, like old times. It felt good to have his friends around, helping him make living seem more appealing.
His brother was his reason he was living. He was always there when Bill needed him, guiding him about the house or helping him to do small chores. Every now and then he would disappear for an hour or so in his room but he would always come out if Bill needed him, leaping to his brother's side… literally. He seemed to become extra happy to make up for his twin's unhappiness. In the morning Tom would read him snippets from the paper and at night he would curl his body around Bill's tiny frame, protecting him from the world. There was no other time when Bill felt safer than when he was in his brother's arms. Nothing could touch him then.
Bill hadn't met his parents yet. He hadn't wanted to. They had called occasionally but had been told that he was busy. He just didn't think he could deal with the outside world yet. He hadn't talked to David either. He was worried that if he talked to them they would demand that he return to the real world. He wasn't yet ready to talk to the world and he didn't think the world was ready to see him, so hideous. Tom had read the headlines to him: Tokio Hotel Singer In Hospital; Bill Kaulitz Feared Dead; Kaulitz Twins Running To Rehab; Bill Kaulitz Never To Show Face Again. Tom understood that Bill didn't want to talk to the world but he had told his brother he needed to talk to their parents and so that was were the blind teen ended up, waiting for his parents to arrive for dinner.
Bill jumped again as somewhere a car backfired and a hand moved to rest on his arm. "Bill, you need to calm down. I promise you, no one is going to make you face the world until you are ready." Tom's voice was even calmer than normal. "It's just Mom and Gordon we're going to talk to. You have known them for years and they love you. Nothing bad is going to happen and no one is going to force you to do anything, okay? I'm right here." Bill wasn't really listening to the words. He just let Tom's voice wash over him, lapping up every sound as if it might give him some of his brother's calm.
A knock on the door of the flat made Bill jump. He heard his brother sigh at his reaction. Fingers ghosted over his face, just below the cotton bandage he had once again donned, so as not to scare his parents. Tom's thumb ran once across Bill's lips, then disappeared. The door to the room opened and closed. He heard Tom's heavy footsteps receding down the hallway then the creak of the front door opening. Bill caught Tom's muffled grunt of surprise and guessed that Simone had swept him into a hug. Then proper conversation reached him.
"Hi Mom," that was Tom, voice clear now as he must have been released from his mother's death grip hug. "Hey Gordon."
"My Tomi!" Bill smiled inwardly at the sound of his mother's voice. "Oh, look at you. It's been so long since we've seen you."
"Simone, love, let the poor boy breathe," Gordon's low gruff voice gently berated his wife. "Hello Tom. How have you been."
"I'm good."
"And Bill? How is he? What happened? All David said was that there was an accident and that my boy was in hospital. Please tell me he's alright." Bill's heart broke at the care in his mother's voice. He was so scared of showing her what 'her boy' looked like now, blind, hideous and helpless.
"Why hasn't he come to greet us yet?" Gordon's voice held the same care Simone's did. "We've been so worried about him, about both of you."
"We… you… I…" Tom sounded so unsure of himself. Bill wished he could be there to support his brother but instead he was stuck where he was, hopelessly dependant on help. "David was right. There was an accident and Bill was in hospital for two weeks." Bill heard sharp gasps. "He… he was badly injured. He almost died a number of times. He is different now, the damage done by the firework is permanent. What you have to understand is that Bill is still the same person. He is still your son." There was a quiet murmuring and though Bill strained he couldn't pick out what was being said. Then he heard three pairs of footsteps, moving towards him. The door handle turned behind him but he stayed sitting on the couch. He sat very still, facing the front, back straight. The door opened and the footsteps came in. He knew that his hair, still long, black and shaggy, would hide the bandage from behind.
"Bill?" His mother's voice questioning.
"Hello Mom, hello Gordon." One pair of footsteps moved forward and then infront of the couch. The seat beside him dipped as Tom sat down, carefully stroking his brother's hair. Bill placed a hand on Tom's face, meaning to find how he felt, just in time to feel him nod. Two pairs of footsteps came towards the couch then round infront of Bill. The blind teen turned his face towards the sound. There was a silence then Simone gave a small scream.
"BILL?" She screamed, her voice betraying her shock and alarm. "What happened to you." Bill flinched and moved his hand from Tom's face, though not before he felt him grimace. "Why is your face covered?" Bill let Tom replace his hand and took strength from the loving smile he could feel on his brother's face.
"I'm sorry Mom," Bill's voice was quiet.
"No Bill," Tom spoke softly but firmly. "It was inot/i your fault." The blind boy felt Tom turn to their parents. "The firework went off as we were on the stairs. It was coming straight for me. Bill was one step above me and he pushed me to the ground, out of the way. It hit him instead of me. Someone told us later that if he hadn't pushed me out of the way, I probably wouldn't even have made it to hospital. Bill saved my life." Tom's hand stroked against Bill's cheek, fingertips brushing the cotton material of his bandage.
"Can- can we see?" Gordon's voice was hesitant as he asked the obvious question that everyone wanted to avoid. "If that's alright, I mean." Bill turned towards Tom and felt his brother nod reassuringly. He raised his free hand, fumbling about until he felt the edge of the bandage. He stopped, suddenly terrified of the rejection he had already tried to brace himself for.
"I'm not the same, you know that," his voice sounded painfully small and unsure, even to his ears. "I'm hideous now." His hand resting on Tom's cheek moved as his brother shook his head in answer. He felt an inkling of courage return, courage that he so desperately needed. He took a deep breath, gripping the bandage firmer. In one quick motion, before his courage ran out, he pulled the bandage off, feeling cool air caress the scars on his face. He waited for the reaction.
"OH MY GOD!" Simone screamed. Bill crumpled, feeling like he had been slapped. "Your face is… gone. It's- oh my fucking god." He pulled his legs up to his chest, wrapping his arms round them and buried his face that disgusted them so much, in his knees. He heard his mother's hurried footsteps run out the room then the front door slammed.
"Get OUT!" Tom shouted and Bill felt him stand up. Gordon started to stay something but Tom cut him off. "Get the fuck out, NOW!" There was silence for a moment, heavy breathing the only sound, then footsteps walked out the door. They continued down the hall then left the flat, a lot quieter than the last pair. The couch dipped as Tom slumped down again, exhaling heavily. His warmth enveloped Bill as his arms wrapped around him. "It's okay Bill." A sudden anger welled up in Bill at those words that everyone said but never meant.
"No it's not Tom," he stood up, reluctantly pulling away from the comfort the embrace provided. "I have become a thing so ugly even my parents won't look at me. I can't even go in public anymore and nothing I can do will change this." He back towards where he knew the door was. "You know what? Maybe what I said in the last two weeks was right." He ignored the gasp and ran towards his room, hot, angry tears welling in his sightless eyes. He managed to get to his room without breaking anything and collapsed on his bed, crying into his pillow.
This was all too much. Every doubt that he would make it through came rushing back into his mind. He was blind, unable to see ever again and useless because of it; he was so ugly his own mother couldn't look at him; he was bringing the hopes and dreams of his band mates crashing down, all because he was… this. All he had was Tom but everyday it seemed that his brother became more and more distant. If other hated him and couldn't love him anymore, what were the chances Tom would. What had he done to deserve this? All he had been trying to do was save someone he loved. Exhausted sobs ripped from his throat as he cried himself to sleep.
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Bill was on stage singing and dancing. He could hear the band around him. The music was flowing through him. He could feel the bass causing his heart to keep beating. Happiness came from the music, filling him slowly, bubbling over into his singing. His voice became stronger and joyful, echoing his mood. He closed his eyes, savoring the moment, then turned to the side and opened his eyes.
Tom was playing his guitar, his head turned away from Bill. Georg was playing the bass, as always his long, brown hair flicking forward to cover his face. Gustav was hitting the drums with gusto, giving it everything he had. Bill smiled at his friends. He loved his band. Then the smile melted away to leave a horrified expression as he noticed the one thing wrong. Gustav's face was gone. All Bill could see was a dark hole where his friends smirk normally could be found. He spun to Georg and he saw the same horror.
Time slowed and he couldn't seem to turn. He needed to see if Tom looked the same. Finally he turned enough to see his brother but Tom was still facing away from him. Bill screamed his brother's name desperately and Tom turned. Bill felt as if something had punched him in the stomach. All the breath in his body rushed out in a hoarse cry. A black, never-ending hole was staring back at him from where his beloved brother's face once was.
Bill shut his eyes, squeezing them tight until colored stars danced across his vision. Or were they colored? Were they black too? He tried to block the images of his faceless friends from his mind. He opened his eyes again. It was far worse. Blackness everywhere. The Darkness seemed to rise from the ground, eating away at his vision until he had nothing left.
Bill woke violently, jerking up in bed, screaming loudly. His eyes were wide open, searching for the confirmation that his sight was back. The Darkness was still there, pressing down on him like the weight of despair. He gave a choked sob as he remembered that the nightmare was reality.
His mind started to race as he remembered more of the dream. It was real, he was sure of it. It had happened. He racked his brain searching for the memory as tears continued to roll down his cheeks. In a flash he found the memory. It had been a concert in their home town. It had been one of the best. He had been so connected with the music. He replayed the memory. He turned to look a his friends and-. Bill started to shake and moan. They had no faces again. He tried to call Gustav's face in his mind, nothing. Georg, the same. With a shuddering breath he thought of his Tom. The Darkness held its position, taunting him, torturing him. He screamed silently at it as the horrible truth set in. His couldn't even remember the faces of the people who meant the most to him anymore. They were gone.
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