Please God, let me take his place

Disclaimer: I do not own Queer as Folk or any of the characters, they belong to Showtime and Cowlip.

Warnings: Rated M for strong language, drug use, adult themes and real-life issues.

Sorry for the long wait, guys, real life kinda got in the way and had some computer troubles. Hope you enjoy x Reviews much appreciated x

Chapter 3: Sunshine land

J POV

I looked up immediately as Brian walked into the diner, I couldn't help the smile spread across my face, he was home now. He was wearing a thick coat and sunglasses, I frowned, not exactly flattering. I watched him sit down next to Mel, Ted and Emmett and I was itching to run over there and greet him, but the guy I was waiting on was taking forever to make a fucking order. I glanced between Brian and the table I was waiting on nervously, he hadn't seen me yet.

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on I chanted inside my head, bouncing slightly on one foot.

"I'll have..." He began finally, slowly.

Finally! I exclaimed in my head, but then nearly screamed in frustration when Debbie cut him off.

"Hey, Sunshine, do you need to use the bathroom?" She shouted across the diner, laughing. This seemed to get everyone's attention, including Brian.

He looked over to me, directly at me and smiled softly. My insides melted slightly as I smiled back and just stared at him stupidly for what felt like forever. But I wouldn't have noticed, I hadn't seen him in too long, and he really was beautiful...

"Hey!" Said the guy, bringing me out of my Brian-bubble, I looked down at him and he was looking crossly back up at me. "Are you gonna take my order?" He asked.

"Sorry." I said slowly, looking down. When he told me his order I wrote it down and nearly crashed into Debbie in my haste to get it through. She smiled at me knowingly.

"I'll take care of it," she said softly, "I think it's time for your break."

I kissed her on the cheek and then practically ran over to where Brian was sat with our friends.

"You don't have much of a tan." I heard Mel say.

"Yeah, it rained every day." Brian answered easily.

"That must of sucked." I said sympathetically.

He grinned up at me. "Yeah, but in a positive, life-affirming way."

I couldn't help smirking. "So, how was it? Did you have fun?"

Brian nodded slightly, I frowned as I realised he was moving quite stiffly.

But I was brought out of my thought process as I glanced down at my watch. "Oh shit!" I exclaimed, "I have to get to class!"

"Have a good day, baby!" Debbie called over, signalling for me to go. I took off my apron and grabbed my rucksack.

"Do you want a lift?" I stopped what I was doing and turned slowly to face Brian.

"What?" I asked softly.

"I asked if you wanted a lift." He repeated, staring at me as if I were special.

"Err...sure." I accepted, my body flushing with pleasure at his attention. I followed Brian outside and got into the passenger side of the Corvette. We drove in silence for a while, I kept sneaking glances at Brian, wondering if he felt better now.

"The...err...the loft is okay." I said finally, dumbly.

He spared me a quick glance. "Thanks for looking after it."

"You're welcome." I answered, smiling. "I'm glad you're back." I said, before quickly adding on; "I mean, I'm glad you had a good trip. I hope you got whatever it was out of your system."

I saw the sides of his lips pull up into a slight smile. "Oh, it's out alright."

I frowned in confusion, did he sound sort of smug? Was I imagining it?

When we pulled up outside PIFA, I went for the door handle. "By the way..." he began, stopping me before I could get out of the 'Vette, I turned back to him.

He paused for a minute, but he was smiling. "I missed you."

My smile could have blinded him, I suddenly felt more alive, more confident. "Prove it." I said playfully.

He pulled me towards him and kissed me softly on the lips. I got lost in Brian's touch, smell, taste for a moment, but when he pulled away I grinned. I wished he wasn't wearing his sunglasses so I could look into his hazel eyes.

"You're gonna have to do better than that." I berated playfully. He mock-sighed and pulled me towards him again, the kiss was longer this time. I suddenly realised how much I'd missed kissing Brian, it had only been a week but it felt like a lifetime. And we hadn't made love for even longer than that, and that was starting to take its toll on me. Made love, I scoffed myself.

When the kiss ended I laughed, I knew I was pushing my luck but I just wanted him to kiss me again. "I'm still not convinced."

Brian grinned slightly and then curled his strong arms around my waist and practically pulled me into his lap. He grabbed the back of my neck and pulled me towards him with a power and dominance I think he knew I loved. He pressed his lips firmly yet gently against mine and kissed me passionately, he then began to lick my bottom lip, asking for entrance, which I granted. He began to massage my tongue with his own and I threw my arms around him, pulling myself closer to him and deepening the kiss. Before I knew it, I was going hazy with desire and lust, and a lack of air. I pulled back for breath and I saw Brian staring at me smugly. The sight of him nearly took my breath away, slightly dishevelled hair where I'd run my fingers through it and red, swollen lips where I'd kissed him. He was so fucking beautiful it actually hurt to know that I had to get out of the car.

"Okay." I gasped getting my breath back. "I believe you."

He grinned slightly. "I'll see you later." He said.

I grinned as I stepped out onto the pavement. "Later."

As I watched the Corvette speed away down the street, my earlier worry began to creep back into my mind. As much as I loved to hear him say it, Brian would never have gone to Ibiza, partied all night and fucked probably hundreds of beautiful guys and missed me. Something was wrong Brian, and I knew it. You didn't just (practically) be with someone for years and not pick up on these things. As I walked to my class I wondered if I'd be able to concentrate on much else.

...

B POV

As I watched Justin get out of the 'Vette and close the door behind him, I momentarily let my face fall into my hands. Why didn't I just tell him?

As I turned the car around and sped off down the street, I began to wonder what I could have told him. I have a fucking plastic ball but they have no idea if the cancer might come back or not? Maybe I'll tell him when I know I'm okay, I reasoned with myself. Some small part in the back of my brain decided to mutter "if."

Shut the fuck up, brain! I mentally shouted at myself. Great, now I'm crazy.

Admittedly, the surgery wasn't half as bad as I thought it would be. As soon as I went under I was coming back up again, no hallucinations. I had a sore throat and in-between my legs hurt but that was about it. The only problem was that I turned my head slightly to the right and then I saw it. Lying on the metal table beside the operating one. My diseased, bloodied testicle. That was the cause for my consecutive vomiting for the next hour. Once the Doctor's had made sure I was okay they told me there was a chance I was experiencing some short term amnesia, and that things would come back to me soon enough. Although, I didn't remember forgetting anything, If that made sense.

It was on the flight back that my aesthetic-induced dream/hallucination decided to come back to me.

I was sitting in a white room, it was shimmering white, and kind of pretty. In a weird way. When I moved, it made the air move. I spent a few minutes amusing myself by grazing my hand back and forth through the air. I looked up to see Michael and Lindsay, they'd apparently appeared from no-where, and they were smiling at me, that made me smile too.

"Congratulations, Brian." Lindsay beamed, floating over to me in a shimmering white dress.

"Yeah, congratulations, Brian." Michael echoed, smiling. He, too, was wearing white clothes and it appeared like he was floating over to me. They both put their hands around me in a sort of weak hug. The areas of my body they touched turned pleasantly warm.

I couldn't help but blush at the compliment. "Oh, it was nothing." I shrugged off, body flushed with pleasure. My voice sounded kind of musical.

I felt another hand on my skin and turned and saw Justin. He was smiling his smile that made him shimmer too, I decided that this must be Sunshine land.

"You are everything, Brian." He told me softly. I leant forward and pressed my lips to his, he smiled happily as he kissed me...

I parked outside Kinnetik as I relieved my crazy dream for what must have been the hundredth time. Sunshine land? Had my brain created an entire world inspired by Sunshine? Everything was floating and glittering, and everything was perfect.

I was perfect. I was everything.

But because I now knew I'd dreamt of Justin, it made sense now that I'd come too after surgery and wanted him there with me, but it didn't make sense that I'd wanted him right next to my bed, and how much I'd wanted to tell him how sorry I was for lying to him.

I huffed slightly as I walked into Kinnetik, sorry was bullshit, I had to remind myself, and I never promised the kid anything.

As I went to go straight for my office I was stopped by a familiar voice from behind me. "Morning, boss." Said Cynthia playfully.

I stopped in my tracks and turned around. "When did you get back?" I asked.

"A few days ago," she said casually, "where were yo..." but she didn't have time to finish her sentence because, for some reason I had decided to envelope her into a warm hug. She hugged me back for a minute, and then pulled away.

"Brian...are you okay?" She smirked.

"I'm just glad you're back." I said quickly, causing her to smile, "you 'no, 'cause the temp was terrible." I quickly clarified. She smiled knowingly.

I walked into my office so quickly I didn't hear her softly say, "I love you, too, Brian."

When I sat down on my desk I spent a minute composing myself and then picked up my work load. I glared at the board, like someone had put that there on purpose.

"Remson pharmaceuticals. The pill that will help you live for another day!"

I threw the boards down in anger. How in the fuck was I supposed to market that? If I didn't even know if I had that long?

...

J POV

It was lunch time and I was sat chatting to Daphne outside of PIFA, I couldn't really eat. I was more, picking at my bagel, than taking a bite of it.

I hadn't realised that Daphne had been staring at me the whole time. "You 'no, you seem really worried." She said finally.

I looked up at her and momentarily contemplated lying, but I didn't want to lie.

"Brian has been acting really strange, lately." I admitted, "I mean, stranger than usual."

"Well, has something happened to him?" Asked Daphne, as I glanced at her, I could see the flicker of worry in her eyes too, I liked that she cared about Brian.

"Maybe he got some bad news?" She continued.

"That's what I thought," I began, "but he hasn't." Then something occurred to him. "Well," I continued, "maybe." I turned to her, "Brian, never really tells me these things."

"Well, maybe you just need to make more of an effort to find out." Said Daphne, and I couldn't help smiling at her. Daphne has and always will be my crazy best friend, but every now and then she comes out with something profoundly wise.