Matthew
Alfred hangs out with the cool kids. I don't. I don't mind that. I especially didn't mind when I couldn't look at him without getting sick to my stomach.
Katya and Lukas were sitting at the lunch table with me. Katya and Lukas are my friends from drama class. They're actors and I'm stage crew. Alfred is on the football team. Katya has short hair and teary eyes. Lukas has spiky hair and is too tall.
Lukas sat across from me, eating half of my sandwich. Next to me, Katya was struggling with a baby orange. She and I are both too anxious to have nails, so she had to give up and pass it to Lukas who laughed and teased us before easily peeling the skin off in one piece.
"Come on," he complained as she tried to grab the fruit back. "No praise? That was awesome!"
"You're amazing," she said sarcastically, snatching the orange back. She tore it into thirds and offered one to me. I shook my head.
"What's up with you?" Lukas said, taking the orange out of Katya's hand.
I stared blankly. I don't think that I could have told them if I wanted to, couldn't vocalize the horrible thing, anymore than I could think beyond the bald, ugly picture of it, seared in my brain. Besides, I didn't want to tell anyone. It was the sort of thing that could only exist in secret, like a horrible, poisonous thing living under an ancient rock.
I shook my head again. "Didn't sleep well."
"Are you feeling okay?" Katya said, maternal beyond her years. I was surprised she didn't press the back of her hand to my forehead to take my temperature.
"Fine."
"Don't get us sick!" Lukas feigned horror and made a cross with his fingers. "I'm clean!" Katya laughed and I was glad that stopped her fussing.
"Alfred!"
I should have recognized that voice first, but I was too on edge. My heart pounded and burst out in a slightly louder voice than usual, "I'm Matthew!"
I turned to see Miguel blinking at me. "Oh. Stupid. Sorry." He sat down beside Lukas, across from me. Miguel is in stage crew too. He has dark eyes and he keeps his hair in a ponytail and I can always smell smoke on his breath. He has something against my brother, something to do with Alfred being his usual innocently destructive self, I suppose.
Alfred is my twin. We look too alike for most people to tell us apart at first sight.
"Matthew's depressed," Lukas said obliviously tactless.
Miguel raised an eyebrow at me. "Really?"
"I'm fine."
"Anyone have food?" Miguel said. I passed him the other half of my sandwich. I didn't think that I could keep it down if I tried. The thought of Dad's lips mashing onto Alfred's made eating an impossibility.
The eyebrow rose again. "Don't you want it?"
"I'm not hungry."
"See," Lukas pointed out. "On death's door."
I think that shy, submissive people generally surround themselves with loud, dominating personalities simply as a matter of course. I know that I do and I usually like them. Today I couldn't take it. I wanted to hide in a corner and let the horrible thought impress itself onto me.
My father was having sex with my brother. My father was having sex with my brother. My father was having sex with my brother…
"Mattie?"
"Huh?" Katya was looking at me in concern. So were Lukas and Miguel.
"You sure you're okay?" Miguel asked.
"I'm fine." I have physics class with Alfred. I'd have to sit in class with him. I'd have to spend an hour looking at him, knowing what he did. And then, after school, I'd see Dad again. Dad, who drove us to school, who talked with Alfred, who looked at him, as if nothing were wrong.
He's not my father. I don't know who he is, but he's not my father. He's the stranger who hurt Alfred. My father went away and this horrible man took his place. I hate him. I hate him. I hate them.
"Hey," I said, and I was surprised that my voice still worked. "I think I'm going to sit in on rehearsals today." I didn't need to be there, but I couldn't be alone with Alfred and that man.
Katya smiled. "Sure. We're going out for lunch afterwards. You can come with us. It'll be fun."
"I'm driving," Miguel said. "I can take you home." Miguel has a car. It's small and it also smells like smoke, rich and heavy. When I'm in that car I want to drink in the smell greedily and fill my mouth and throat and lungs with it, and I have to be careful that Miguel doesn't notice me being weird.
"Thanks."
I didn't want to go back at night. What if they did the same thing? But I can't ask to stay over at someone's on a school night. And I couldn't do it the night after that. My house was dark and frightening now. It was that man's house, not mine.
They started eating and talking about the show. I made myself talk too. Anything to stop from thinking.
Thinking about Dad and Alfred. Dad touching Alfred. Alfred's long, slender legs over Dad's shoulders. Sweat on the muscles on Alfred's chest. Dad's teeth gritted, his hips moving.
From three seats back, I watched Alfred's shoulders move. I watched him tap his pencil, smile, pass notes to his friends, just like everything was normal.
I quietly asked to be excused from class. I walked down the hall into the bathroom and knelt in front of the toilet just before I threw up.