Revised: Realizations come when the lighting flows across the sky

Part 3

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Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy and other related characters/ideas are owned, ™ and © by The Mark Gordon Company and Shondaland Productions in association with Touchstone Television and ABC. No copyright infringement is intended. So, in conclusion: Don't sue.

AN: This is the revised version.

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Derek Shepherd started his first morning as a single man by sleepily rolling over and reaching for his wife. His eyes opened confused when he felt his hand land on the pillow rather than around his wife's shapely form. As the previous night's events ran through his mind, Derek realized that it would explain why he had such a dull ache in his chest.

After spending some time just staring up at the ceiling, Derek finally found it within himself to face the coming day. As he sat up he noticed a glass of water with two small pills on the night stand next to the bed. He blinked away the tears that had suddenly appeared in his eyes.

His next stop was to get the coffee pot turned on. He knew would need the caffeine soon enough. After his shower, Derek had a hard time looking himself in the eyes. In one night he had not only hurt and lost his wife but the love of his life and his best friend. His tryst wasn't a relief after months spent lusting after her it was a moment of shame that he hadn't been honorable enough to control his lust and end his marriage before he pursued another woman. He had really hurt the woman he had promised to love, honor, and protect. That wasn't something to be proud off.

It had started to rain when Derek had been in the shower. He paused by the window after he had gotten dressed, absently drink his coffee. He thought it was ironic how the weather suited his mood so well.

Derek checked his watched and saw that it was still early as he pulled out his cell phone and dialed a familiar number.

"Hello, Richard?" Derek asked when the phone was picked up.

"Derek?" Richard asked.

"I'm sorry to be calling so early but I was calling to let you know that I need some time off," Derek replied as he leaned his forehead against the cool window pane, "Addison left me and I need to deal with that before I'm fit to deal with patients. I can call in a favor with Dr. Chris Roberts and have him to cover me for a few days."

"Ok. Call in that favor," Richard replied, "If you need to talk you have my number. I expect a call by the end of the week to let me know when you'll be back."

Derek's call to Chris Roberts was short and by the conclusion Chris had agreed to cover his patients for at least the next week. Chris would be flying up later that day.

As he searched the suite for his suit jacket he remembered that Addison had mentioned that Izzie was sleeping in the other room just as he was opening the other bedroom door. He paused as he looked in and found Izzie sitting just staring out her window at the rain.

He headed back out and came back with a cup of coffee for Izzie.

"How are you feeling?" Derek asked as he placed a hand on her arm to get her attention.

Izzie just looked at him with tears in her eyes unable to answer.

"I realize that's a stupid question but if and when you're ready to talk about your feelings I want you to know that you can talk to me about it," Derek said kneeling down as he handed her a cup of coffee.

He waited until she had taken her first sip before continuing, "I realize the circumstances are different but I lost the love of my life this morning. The shitty part is that she left because of something I did and the guilt's been gnawing at my stomach since I woke up."

"If you need anything I'll be out there," Derek replied. He was startled when Izzie smile sadly at him and reached over to pat him on his shoulder.

As Derek settled down on the couch he pulled out his cell phone again. His next phone call would not be easy or short. Five minutes later he hung up the phone, his hangover kicking in with full force.

Not twenty minutes later there was a pounding on the hotel room door. Derek rushed to open the door and came face to face with Miranda Bailey.

"Tell me you did not sleep with another one of my suck ups while drunk," were the first words out of the Nazi's mouth as she got into his personal space to glare at him.

Derek was so shocked that he stumbled backwards as he tried to answer, "N-n-n-no."

Miranda glared at him as she gestured very impatiently for him to continue.

"I slept with Addison," Derek whispered, "She was gone when I woke up."

Miranda just gave him a look that clearly said, "You so stupid."

"I was looking for my suit jacket and I found Izzie in the other bedroom," Derek said as he continued to back away from Miranda, "I didn't know what to do. So, I called you."

Miranda narrowed her eyes as she took in Derek's haggard yet sated appearance, "You had better not be lying to me, McDreamy."

"I'm not," Derek replied as he met her eyes firmly, "I would never….Addison and I…"

Miranda gestured with her hand cutting him off, "I don't want to know. Just show me where Izzie is."

Derek nodded before he led her to Izzie's room. He knocked softly before entering and saw that Izzie had not moved from her chair near the window.

Miranda paused as she entered the room, shrugging off her coat and dropping it on the bed as she walked over to Izzie.

"Izzie?" Miranda asked softly as she knelt down beside her. When Izzie didn't respond immediately, she placed her hand on her arm.

"Can I wake up now?" Izzie asked she turned to look at Bailey. The tears were just streaming down Izzie's face. She didn't even seem to be aware that she was crying because she looked down in surprise as she felt the wetness landing on her arm.

Derek closed the door quietly behind him as he left Izzie in Miranda Bailey's capable hands. After pocketing a room key and scribbling a quick note for Miranda, he exited the room. As he stepped off the elevator he made his way to the front desk.

"I'm staying in room 322. I'd like to prepay for the next week," Derek said as he handed over his credit card.

The front desk clerk typed into the computer before saying, "Mr. Shepherd, it looks like your wife already took care of that," as he handed back the credit card.

"Ok, thank you," Derek replied around the lump in his throat. He managed a faint smiled as he walked out the front of the hotel to ask the valet about a cab. Forty-five minutes later Derek was standing in front of the trailer, next to Addison's car.

He took a deep breath as he steeled himself to open the door. He closed his eyes as he stepped inside. As he opened his eyes and took in the empty trailer the lump in his throat threatened to choke him. Tears sprang to his eyes as he noticed that Addison hadn't taken all of her stuff. She had most likely only taken the items that were important to her and what would fit into her car.

-

Derek sighed sadly as he watched the Seattle coastline disappear out of the airplane's small window. He couldn't wait until the seat belt sign went off, he really needed some alcohol. Derek spent the next five hours drinking and ignoring the flirtations of the brunette sitting next to him. He had begun to sober up as the airplane began its final approach. He managed to retrieve his luggage before heading out to find a cab.

Derek let his mind wander as the cab started off. Before long the cab ride was over and Derek was standing in front of their brownstone just as the sun was starting to set. He slowly unlocked the door; he took a deep before he turned the knob and stepped over the threshold. Everything was just as he remembered it. The only difference was that there were sheets covering the furniture.

He wandered from room to room reliving the hundreds of memories he had there with Addison. By the time he had made it to their bedroom, he was only focusing on the good things though he was very relieved that Addison had gotten a new bed and sheets. Grateful, he kicked of his shoes before he dropped down onto the bed. After such an emotionally draining day, he was asleep within seconds.

It was during the pre-dawn hours that Derek awoke in a cold sweat his hand automatically reaching for Addison. His eyes snapped open as he felt his hand grab at nothing more substantial then air. Tears threatened to escape his eyes as he realized that his nightmare was in fact reality.

"Damn it," he whispered his hand slamming down on the mattress next to him a few times before he rolled out of bed. After his shower, Derek left the brownstone in search of some breakfast. He ended up at a small diner that Addison had loved to stop at on the way to work because it was open 24 hours a day. He smiled faintly as he recognized the waitress and she recognized him. The sadness in his eyes intensified when the waitress asked if his lovely wife would be joining him later on. He just shook his head. The waitress nodded as understanding dawned in her mind. With a faint smile she asked if he was ready to order.

The food was as delicious as Derek had remembered. With a generous tip for the kind waitress, Derek walked out and just spent a few hours wandering around the city reminiscing before heading back to the brownstone.

Derek had only been back about ten minutes before the silence started to become so stifling that he had to get out of there. Grabbing his bag and a small photo he had found of him and Addison at their first wedding anniversary, he tossed both into the passenger seat and just started driving.

As he stood in front of the door waiting for someone to answer his knock, he was surprised that he couldn't quite recall how he had made his way there. Before he could dwell on this deeper, the door swung open to reveal a petite older dark haired woman. Derek attempted to smile when he saw his mother, Megan Shepherd, but couldn't manage it before he stepped into her open arms.

"Mom," Derek managed to get out around the lump in his throat as he hugged her.

"Derek?" his mother asked as she hugged him back fiercely.

"She left me, Mom," He whispered.

"I know, baby, she called yesterday," Megan Shepherd replied as she tightened her hold on him.

He spent five days at his parent's place. It was refreshing and made him appreciate how wonderful his parents were. It also made him wonder how Addison was coping considering that he was hogging their only set of parents. On his last day there, he took his mother aside and asked her if she would check on Addison and make sure that she was okay.

His mother smiled as she replied, "She's in good hands. Don't worry."

--

He had been back at work for three days and quite frankly all the pitying looks were starting to piss him off. He knew he was miserable and damaged because he drove Addison away and there was nothing anyone could do to help him heal. He realized that he had to leave her alone and allow her to mend her broken heart in spite that his first instinct was to run after her and never let her go. Even though Derek acknowledged that he needed to let Addison heal, he couldn't just cut her out of his life completely like she meant nothing to him.

Derek had just been paged down to the ER for a consult. On his way down he saw Adele walking out of Richard's office. He was a bit worried that at Adele's reaction to his infidelity and the repercussions of it.

"Hello, Adele," Derek greeted unable to look Adele in the eyes.

"Derek. Hello," Adele replied taking in his haggard appearance before she hugged him, "How are you holding up?"

Derek just shrugged in response.

Adele smiled sadly, "I miss her, too."

"If you need someone impartial to talk to I can recommend an excellent therapist who will work with your schedule," Adele said, "I know it doesn't seem like it but its important to deal with it and not let it fester."

"You're right," Derek replied, "It's time that I started dealing with my problems."

Adele smiled as she wrote down the therapist's name and number on a piece of paper for him.

"Thanks, Adele," Derek said as he kiss her cheek before heading down to deal with his consult.

After a few sessions to his new therapist, Derek decided that he had to find himself again, find out who Derek Shepherd was without Addison Shepherd beside him to help define him. This some something he had to figure out by himself. So, after careful reflection he decided that he needed to request that Dr. Bailey not assign Meredith to his cases for the first few months. Derek, however, was not looking forward to that conversation and put it off for a few days until the opportunity presented itself.

It was late on a Monday night; Derek had just finished his shift. He had been taking the stairs whenever he could but as he was heading downstairs he saw Dr. Bailey waiting for the elevator. Steeling himself he walked over and hopped on to the elevator just before they closed.

"Dr. Bailey," Derek said with a sidelong glance as her.

"Dr. Shepherd," Miranda replied icily.

Derek sighed before pulling the stop button, "Look, I know you hate me for hurting Addison and I get that. I really do."

Miranda glared at him, "Oh, really?"

Derek ignored her glare and continued, "I need time to rediscover who Derek Shepherd is without Addison Shepherd. When I look in the mirror I don't like what I've become. I need to find my way back to being me and that's going to be hard enough without dealing with Meredith everyday at work. So, I would like to request that Meredith not be assigned to me for the next few months."

Miranda arched an eyebrow at him before replying, "That's rather a surprising adult observation for you. I'll consider it. Right now, I have a fine man waiting at home for me," as she restarted the elevator.

After some consideration, Bailey eventually agreed and the next day Meredith Grey was assigned to the new cardiothoracic surgeon.

For those first few weeks, Derek spent a lot of time keeping Preston company, fishing and just exploring Seattle. Basically, he did anything to keep his mind of Addison and his impending divorce. When he missed Addison's presence the most, he always seemed to find himself on the Neonatal floor. At first the Neonatal nurses were rather frosty towards him on Addison's behalf but once they say that his misery was genuine the started to thaw towards him.

Even though logically, he knew he can't be part of her life. Emotionally, he can't let go yet. So, once Addison had settled in at her new job, he called her at home at a time he knew she would be at work. The point of those calls weren't really to talk to her but to let her know that in spite of everything she's still family, that he still thinks off her and if she needed him that he would be there. It was very hard for Derek to limit the calls to only once a week and to not end the calls with I miss you.

When Miranda cornered him one day in the scrub room and suggested, "Stop calling Addison. You broke her heart. That means that you can't be the one to pick up the pieces."

He just smiled faintly before replying, "She's family. Whether or not we're married she's always going to be family."

--

It was a cold and gloomy morning it had been raining off and on all morning. For the first time in a long time, Derek had a day off. As a yawning Derek finally rolled out of bed at 11 am to find a cup of coffee, he squinted at the calendar that was tacked above the coffee maker. He realized that it had been nearly nine months since Addison had left him in that hotel room. After showering he sat down to read his newspaper he concluded that this was going to be a good day. He had finally stopped reaching for his wife while half asleep and work was really mind numbing but in a good way.

Addison and Derek had spent the last few months conversing through their lawyers and they had mutually decided that they would get legally separated for one and a half year before Derek would file for divorce in Washington State. A knock on the door pulled his thoughts away from an interesting article, for a split second Derek had a moment of panic as a sense of foreboding overcame him. Derek attempted to smooth down his hair as he walked to open the door, expecting to see Addison with divorce papers in hand and a hot new boyfriend in tow. He was very relieved and surprised to see his mother standing there.

"Mom, what are you doing here?" Derek asked as he ushered her inside.

Megan Shepherd hugged her son before answering, "I wanted to see you," she sat down before continuing, "I just came from visiting Addison. I was at the airport there and I realized that it is just wrong to see one without the other. So, after calling your father I called Richard and he said that you were off today. So, I changed my tickets to ones that would allow me to have a long layover in Seattle. I'm catching a flight home later tonight."

Derek spent the next few hours showing his mother around Seattle and attempting to covertly grill her about how Addison was. Megan Shepherd just smiled serenely as deftly deflected his questions.

"She's doing okay," Megan Shepherd whispered in his ear as he hugged her tightly when it was time for her to go to her gate.

Derek had really enjoyed spending time with her, plus he felt a weight lift of his shoulders at her assurances that Addison was doing okay. He waited patiently until she had made it past the security because he knew she would turn and wave one more time. He laughed when she did before he headed to his car.

As he dressed for bed he decided that it definitely had been a good day. As he drifted off to sleep his dreams were filled with images off a happy Addison and for once his heart didn't ache at the thought of her happy without him.

It took Derek another four months of self-realization before he was ready to pursue anything romantic with Meredith. They had remained casual friends at work, but Derek simply hadn't been ready to be friends with the reason why his wife had left him.

Derek felt unexplainable nervous as he sidled up to Meredith at the nurses station. Meredith gave him a glance at him as he offered her a cup of coffee.

"Thank you," Meredith replied puzzled.

"Have lunch with me?" Derek asked with a smirk.

Meredith smiled before agreeing, "Okay."

This time they took some time to really get to know each other before falling into bed together. They had many lunches together where they just spent time talking.

"Seriously, you were in a fraternity?" Meredith laughed, "What did they make you do for your initiation?"

Derek blushed and mumbled something under his breath.

"What was that?" Meredith asked before taking a bite from her sandwich.

"They made me wear a hotdog suit in front of the cafeteria and sing the Oscar Mayer wiener song," Derek cleared his throat, "You can stop laughing now, Meredith."

After two months of dating, they both realized that what they had both fallen for was the glamorized version of each other. While the sex was great, the reality was that outside of work they had really nothing in common.

"You killed a patient, Meredith," Derek said when they got back to Meredith's house.

"It wasn't my fault," Meredith yelled on the verge of tears as she headed for the liquor cabinet.

"You were his doctor and you prescribed the wrong dosage," Derek replied icily, "Why am I not surprised that you're heading straight for the liquor."

"Well, not everyone can be as perfect as you," Meredith shot back before taking a long pull from the tequila bottle, "Besides it's not like I'm asking that much off you."

"Real mature, Meredith, when things get tough just blame someone else," Derek yelled as he struggled out of his coat, "You need to take responsibilities for your own actions, which is why at the board of inquiries, I will not cover for you."

Derek just glared as Meredith continued to drink more of the tequila before he grabbed his coat and headed for the door.

"Where are you going?" Meredith asked blearily.

"Out," Derek replied testily over his shoulder. He spent the night at the trailer.

It wasn't long after that they mutually decided to call it quits. They had different plans for the future and neither of them was willing to compromise.

Around this time, Derek had realized that Addison still wasn't ready to allow him to be part of her life as just her family. After a heated discussion with his therapist, Derek followed the suggested that perhaps reading his letters to her would be less painful for Addison. So, he began to write her letters once a week while he attempted to limit his calls to her to once a month. It was hard for him but writing the letters helped even though he still hadn't written how much he missed her.

--

The next few months Derek was extremely busy with work and they passed by quickly. It was late on a Thursday evening; Derek had just made it home when he noticed the answering machine light blinking. After pushing the button, he had started to struggle out of his clothing when a familiar voice started speaking.

"Derek? This is Addison. Give me call, please. It's kind of important."

Derek felt his heart clench as he heard his ex-wife's familiar dulcet tones. He sunk down on the bed as he reached for the replay button. After he realized that the time stamp was from about fifteen minutes ago, Derek dialed a familiar number.

"Addison?" He asked when she picked up the phone.

"Derek," Addison replied with a smile to her voice, "That was quick."

"Yeah, I just got home," Derek replied, "And you said it was important."

"Yeah, I did," Addison paused before she continued, "You said we would always be family. Did you mean it?"

Derek didn't even hesitate, "Of course. What's wrong?"

"Ok," the relief was evident in Addison's voice, "Can you come down here for a few days? This isn't a conversation we should have over the phone."

"Ok. I'll have to clear it with Richard first," Derek said puzzled, "I'll call you in the morning and let you know when I'll be arriving, okay?"

"Ok," Addison replied, "Well, I'll let you get some sleep now. Good night, Derek."

"Addie?" Derek whispered before she could hang up.

"Yes?"

"I'm glad you called. I've missed you," Derek whispered, "Well, good night, Addie."

"Good night, Derek" Addison whispered smiling.

CLICK.

"I missed you, too, Derek," Addison whispered to the dial tone.