A/N: Third installment up and ready. Expect this as the regular update rate. Love to all my reviewers/readers, especially sums96 and FarmQueen, for giving intelligent and helpful reviews every chapter.
And guessing. I'm afraid I can't tell you anything just yet …
Disclaimer: Hi, Fawkes. Nice to see you, Dumbledore.
Fawkes: "…"
Dumbledore: "Ah, yes. Our school's most recent unexplained visitor. I do hope you know we habe a policy against journalists?"
I'm a crime scene specialist. Seriously. I just need you to tell me if you recognize this woman.
Dumbledore: "Can't say I do. Why? Was she murdered?"
Well, um, maybe …
--
The Dissertations of the Half-Blood Prince
Had frightening nightmare the other day, my first night down in the dungeons. In it I was old and sallow and greasy-haired, a teacher at Hogwarts – the Potions Master, if you can believe it, taking over for that old git Slughorn – and there was some little brat that looked just like Potter present. He had Lily's eyes … the sight made me sick to my stomach.
Anyway, I disappeared out of the dream right after that and he picked up a Potions textbook, and Slughorn was back – I may need to reign in my subconscious. The Potter brat kept peering in his textbook. At first I didn't understand the significance, not until I peered over his shoulder – and saw the writing in the margins. MY handwriting, albeit a good deal smudged and faded. And the Potter boy was USING them. He was being congratulated! Commended! Praised for being "just like his mother"!
And all because of ME and my bloody book! Then he, a red-headed git that definitely looked like a Weasley, and some bushy-haired Mudblooded girl started discussing WHO I WAS. As if they'd never heard of the Prince! The Mudblood even tried to suggest I was a bloody GIRL!
Also saw Lucius lurking outside the first year dormitories with a can of whipped cream and a bottle of chocolate syrup, but somehow don't think that part was a dream.
Tried to comfort Lily after I read the Hogwarts Confidential and found out what James was doing to her things (wish I'd thought of it myself – the sodding fool couldn't have properly appreciated them). She didn't appreciate me talking about how he'd been fondling her panties. Started muttering "unclean…unclean" again, funnily enough.
Rissa shooed me off, and I swear my hair hasn't stopped oozing dandruff since. Like bloody snow, and it's making it near impossible to read anything. I found a cure, finally, but it makes my hair even darker and greasier-looking. I'm hoping to cure that rather persistent side-effect.
I never even saw the little whore hex me. Must have got me in the back. But I didn't hear anything either, so how?
Still trying to finish homework. Never know when I'll be paying an unexpected visit to the hospital.
Comments Posted:
Like, say, RIGHT NOW?
Sirius
Hey! Sevvy, you said that if I showed you what they were used for you wouldn't tell anyone …
Lucius
I am a Prefect, you know.
Lucius
I didn't tell anyone.
Severus
But you posted it on your diary!
Lucius
Which is my DIARY!
Severus
That everyone can read and comment on!
Lucius
Hey, can we get back to my INNOCENT THREATS OF DEATH HERE?!?!?!
Sirius
Innocent? I believe you mean imminent, Black.
Severus
Why would I mean that?
Sirius
Because 'innocent' means 'pure, clean, harmless' and 'imminent' means 'immediate.' I should have supposed you wouldn't have known that.
Severus
What do you mean by that?!? And I DID mean innocent! 'Innocent' as in 'don't-notice-me-creeping-up-behind-you-with-a-wand-about-to-hex-you-into-oblivion'! I didn't mean imminent at all!!!
Sirius
I should think you did, Black. And thank you for blowing your own cover.
Severus
Stay STILL, you bloody bastard!!!
Sirius
Hardly.
Severus
Why, you …
Sirius
Hate to cut into the enlightening discourse, good fellows, but it occurs to me that certain people think themselves safe. Perhaps certain greasy-haired fellows and 'innocent' charmers should remember that everyone has secrets.
The Editor
What's that supposed to mean?
Sirius
Nothing good, Black. What do you think?
Severus
That I just hit you with furnuculus?
Sirius
You are going to pay.
Severus
JAMES POTTER'S VERY SECRET DIARY
Had my first Quidditch practice today. Bloody grueling, I tell you. I don't know what we're going to do if we're already practicing three times a week this early in the season.
At least the team looks good. Glad to see we haven't all gotten rusty over the summer. Even though when Rissa went by to the groundskeepers' hut for some sort of extra-credit assignment Sirius hit the Bludger the wrong way and it nearly caved my skull in.
I never thought I'd say this, but I really, really hope my best female friend at Hogwarts doesn't decide to come to our match. Because when she's there Sirius forgets to aim his Bludgers at the other side.
Had the most disturbing dream last night. Switched bodies with Lily and she was so bloody prickish about it that I didn't even get to see anything. At least I got to have her flunk all her classes and make life hell.
But she went to my Quidditch practice and called the Quaffle a waffle.
Bloody Merlin. I am so, so glad it was all a dream.
Must. Forget. Emotionally. Scarring. Changing. Tampons. Why couldn't the girl have at least had pads?!?!
Oooo-kay. I so did not just think that. I'm still almost thinking like a GIRL.
Sirius! Quick! Let's go ditch dinner to go to the kitchens and scheme about some hopelessly immature and boyish prank!
I bet Sirius never has to worry about these things.
Comments Posted:
You're right there, mate. I don't have dreams when I go to bed and wake up in my crush's body … though it might be fun. I could touch Rissa all over – and make her profess undying love to me!
Sirius
Only to be hexed and rejected by your own body. Of course, no one would miss it if I threw it off the Astronomy Tower …
Rissa
First my clothes and now my BODY?!?!?! What are you, Potter, the world's best stalker? LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!
Lily
Listen, Evans, that is one of my rather more chaste dreams, just so you know! And I'm not a bloody stalker!!!!!!!!! I just happen to like you, okay?!?!?! Is that so wrong?
James
YES!!!!!!!!!
Lily
Rissa, you're so mean … don't worry, I still love you …
Sirius
I'm mean? You basically said that you'd like to humiliate and molest me. Such the epitome of sainthood.
Rissa
It's only what any normal boy would have done!
Sirius
YES THAT IS BLOODY WELL WRONG POTTER!!!!!!!! HOW DO YOU THINK PEOPLE FEEL WHEN YOU INVADE THEIR PRIVACY, REGARDLESS OF HOW MUCH YOU LIKE THEM?!?!?!?!
Lily
I'm sorry, okay?!?!?! It was just a dream I had! I didn't come over here BEGGING for you to read it!
James
Well you posted it on your PUBLIC diary!
Lily
Because I thought it was interesting! Not because I bloody well wanted you to look at it!
James
YOU KNOW I READ IT!!!!!!!!!! Besides, you shouldn't be dreaming things like that in the first place! And you DEFINITELY shouldn't be stealing my clothes!
Lily
I returned them!
James
WITH YOUR FILTHY SWEAT ON THEM!!!!!!!
Lily
I said I'm bloody sorry!
James
I'm glad to know my opinion of the male race has been far too generous. I shall correct it in the future.
Rissa
Stop being such a jerk!
Sirius
Stop being such an insensitive pig!
Rissa
WELL, I DON'T ACCEPT YOUR BLOODY APOLOGY!!!!!!!!!!
Lily
WHO SAID I WANTED YOU TO!!!!!!
James
YOU DID, YOU BLOODY IDIOT!!!!!!!
Lily
I am not an insensitive pig!!!!!!
Sirius
You said that all guys' dream was to humiliate and bed a girl!
Rissa
I DID NOT!!!!!!!! Besides, it was a joke!
Sirius
I NEVER SAID THAT!!!!!! I ONLY APOLOGIZED BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS BLOODY POLITE!!!!!!!!!
James
WELL I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT!!!!!!!!!!
Lily
Sirius, I am deigning to tell you that I am, once again, no longer speaking to you.
Rissa
Rissa, go to hell.
Sirius
WELL THEN I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU!!!!!!!!!
James
I CERTAINLY DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU EITHER!!!!!!!! Oh, and Sirius, Rissa wants to tell you that it would mean being within less than seven mile's distance of YOU, and so she would have to decline. And she's still not speaking to you.
Lily
FINE!!!!!!!!!
James
FINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sirius
FINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lily
Um, am I missing something?
Remus
Yes.
Peter
The Very Secret Diary of Hogwart's Most Cosmopolitan Girl
Okay. I'm holing up in one of the empty classrooms with Remus and Peter. The corridor is quiet, I think.
Oh. Sorry. I suppose no one's had much time to post the last few days, during THE ONSLAUGHT.
So I'll start at the beginning. I wasn't there at the time (much more interested in the second-floor closet, I hope you're reading this, Zachariah Trayson) but later, from Remus, I heard how it started.
I'd get him to tell you, but he's trying to fix Peter's shoulder. Apparently he ran afoul of one of the screaming toilets.
What? OH. Ow. Poor guy.
And then one of the blood-sucking scorpions, which had been riding the toilet, latched on to his wound and so now it's also poisoned.
It makes me think of how lucky I am.
Oh, yes. How it started. So Lily and James, of course, were in the West Wing Corridor, arguing (nearly all Hogwarts stories seem to start that way), and the started screaming and then throwing hexes. Well two or three managed to hit the ceiling, which made it turn fluorescent purple and start oozing some sort of lurid pink goo, and then Peeves came swooping by and dropped a toilet in the path of another, which Remus says he thinks was supposed to make Lily's hair stand on end (obviously it backfired), and one of the Slytherins shot something at James that he ducked, which hit one of the suits of armor, which sprouted giant fangs and a set of wings and started going after girls, and then Sirius and Rissa started arguing, which meant that soon THEY were throwing hexes, too, and one hit the Gryffindor table, which caused it to turn into a giant tree and sink down roots, becoming symbiotic with the ceiling-fungus, while somehow a bowl of cherries mixed with bacon got fused into mutant blood-sucking scorpions, and half of the people in the Hall started screaming and running everywhere, and that was when we found out if the fungus gets in your open mouth your hair falls out and you run everywhere singing 'I Know A Song That Gets On Everybody's Nerves' backwards at the top of your lungs, as well as sprouting these sort of odd protrusions that eventually started to wrap the affected people up and leave them on the floor as cocoons for food for the tree and ceiling –
And, oh, the most hilarious thing. Snape was reading when it started, and when the rest of the school started panicking his book fell into a bowl of porridge that hopped across the table to a plate of cold eggs, which fused with each other and started eating the rest of the dishes and turning each bit of waste into a deadly potion or substance.
Oh, wait, that's not hilarious. I was going to talk about the part where one of the toilets – they'd multiplied by then, and the tree was barring the doors – swooped under him and carried him, screaming, up to the ceiling and shoved him into it. Probably to be slowly digested. I remember Sirius taking a brief break from screaming his head off to comment, 'Hey, Snivelly, don't you know it's polite to pull down your pants before you go to the bathroom?'
So, some good things and some bad things. Not to mention what happened to the rest of the school –
There's a knock at the door. Please don't let it be one of the suits of armor or the enchanted robes. Please don't let it be one of the tree roots or the mobile hunter cells of the Great Ceiling –
It's workers from the Ministry! Who are even now working with the teachers to clear the school out and restore students! WE'RE SAVED!!!!!!!
Comments Posted:
No comments.
Thoughts of the "Smart One"
Okay, if that had been intentional it would have been the greatest prank in Hogwarts history. As it was, everyone is now giving the Cataclysm-Bringers a very wide berth. That's their new nickname, by the way.
Sirius keeps complaining about it, unhappy about his lessened status and four months of detention. He was one of the first people to start forming over into a pod because he'd still been arguing with Rissa when the slime started dropping, so he really ought to be grateful the one of the Aurors got to him in time. Nearly became part of Hogwarts.
As for me, I was lucky enough to escape beneath the Ravenclaw table and grab Peter – we made it out of the Great Hall before the tree, the toilets, and the suits of armor started blocking the passages and escaped down the corridor into the most desolate, sanest part of the school we could find. In a while Kailinn came and joined us. Poor girl; her hair looked like it had narrowly escaped being eaten alive by one of the mincemeat pies.
Literally, in this case. I swear we'll wake up nad find out this is all just a dream.
So anyway the school's mostly back to normal, but they still need to finish replanting the tree (somewhere in the forest, Hagrid convinced them not to kill it) and get us a new House table, not to mention the teachers are having quite a job of trying to re-enchant the ceiling. Lily and James have no idea what they used on it, of course. We're all confined to the Common Rooms, with the exception of Quidditch practice of course. It's a bloody Saturday, too; they just had to have a bloody blowout on a Friday afternoon, didn't they? The third years and up have been taking every opportunity to glare bloody daggers.
Of course, none of the ones actually responsible are here, being serving one of their now many detentions. So we get all the glares.
At least it's only the crescent moon.
Wait – hey, Kailinn, what's with all the owls? What are they carrying?
Comments Posted:
Um, it looks like more Hogwarts Confidential Issues … ohmygod, look.
Kaitlinn
What?
Remus
At the front page.
Kaitlinn
Why? …Oh.
Remus
Exclusive Coverage of the Valiant and Victims, Courtesy of the LJ Catastrophe. Look – there's a picture of James and Lily, arguing with the Gryffindor Tree in the background while something flies over head. How do they GET these pictures?
Kailinn
Look inside. They've got an exclusive of the Many Mishaps to Befall Severus Snape. Which includes some rather sharp jibes about his skin and hair care.
Remus
Cool! Ooh, look at the pictures … that looks painful. The food took turns attacking him while he was dangling from the ceiling? Like a piñata?
Kailinn
Apparently so.
Remus
Ouch.
Kailinn
I'm not too worried about him, somehow.
Remus
No, I was thinking about the food. I fell so sorry for it to have been disenchanted, after providing a community service. It deserves a medal.
Kailinn
Have to agree with you there.
Remus
A Message From The Editor
Well, I'm assuming that by this time you all have been graced with our latest issue. Donations same place, any time. Anyone who has dirt is free to see us; every friend of a friend knows how to get in touch.
Lucius Malfoy, I trust you like that article we did detailing your little "Potions Club." So sorry to hear that the Headmaster had to shut it down.
Severus Snape, we bid you find a zit cream that says REMOVES zits. You were using a rather dangerous self-tanner.
James Potter and Lily Evans, of course, you can hardly be surprised at our coverage. Though I'm not sure you'd have time to read it, in detention. We sent you a personally addressed copy.
Thank you for being a bountiful supply of interesting occurrences.
Comments Posted:
COMMENTS HAVE BEEN DISALOWED.
Diary of the Person with the MOST AMAZING FRIENDS EVER!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, sort of. After all, two of my friends did just nearly destroyed the school. But they nearly died for it and have a lot of detention, so that's okay, I guess. Also, Remus got me out! Thanks!!!!!
GUESS WHAT EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!! I'VE GOT A DATE!!!!!!!!!
You see, it's this third-year girl who asked me out, and her name's Mary-Jane-Sue and she has the most sparkling shoes and eyes and hair … which might be from all the glitter and jeweled barrettes she puts in it …
She's so pretty and nice …
But hah, Sirius and James! I got my first date before you did!
Comments Posted:
Peter, you little bugger, come over here and let me wrap my arms around your neck and give you a squeeze of congratulations … I'M SAVING MY FIRST DATE FOR RISSA!!!!!!
Sirius
Congratulations, Peter! I hope you have a great time – where did you say you were going?
Remus
Um … a picnic by the lake …
Peter
I'll skip my Hogsmeade weekend just for you, Petey-poo!!! ; )
Mary-Jane
Um …
Remus
Can't say I'm jealous.
James
Can't say I'm sure she's sane.
Sirius
But she IS hot …
James
YOU TWO ARE SUCH SPINELESS INSENSITIVE HYPOCRITES!!!!!
Lily
Sheesh, Lils, no need to take it so hard …
James
DON'T TAKE THAT BLOODY TONE WITH ME POTTER!!!!!! YOU'RE THE REASON I'M CURRENTLY SITTING IN DETENTION!!!!
Lily
Which you two shouldn't be using computers in …
Minerva
Oh, um, I'm very sorry, Professor …
Lily
Suck-up.
James
That will be another week of detention for YOU, Mr. Potter.
Minerva
Aw, man!
James
Serves you right.
Lily
Computers. NOW!!!!!!
Minerva
The Chronicles of Chronic DETENTION
Well, I figured since THE INCIDENT are all exposed and passé already, I should change my blog title. Time to move on.
As you can see, detention is my new problem.
I got off lightly, considering. Only two weeks' worth of punishment. And I only got that because Dumbledore knows that I had private summer study and was responsible for some of the more "advanced curses."
I wasn't going to actually HIT Sirius with the flesh-eating acid torrent curse. Honestly. If he was ugly I'd have to expend even more of my valuable pity onto him.
Lucius, stop ranting. Seriously. It's been four hours into your supervision of our detention, and you've taken a total of seventy-three heaving breaths.
Twenty-three words to each approximate exhale. I can't describe HOW bored I've been.
At least the article in the paper came out well … the school-wide destruction didn't hit the printing press. And I've got my next assignment.
Want to guess what it is? Interviewing various students about the Great Tree's Reign of Terror.
That's what they're calling it now. It was that or the Night of the Living Ceiling, but people didn't really want to dwell on that part. Too many painful memories. And embarrassing ones.
"Hey, don't laugh! I nearly got eaten by that ceiling!"
Yeah … right.
I've heard rumors drifting around that there's some plot to lock James and Lily in a spelled closet and make them work their differences out, or perhaps in the Quidditch shed by the lake. I advise you against it STRONGLY.
They will not reconcile. And when they get out they will come for you.
Comments Posted:
Thank you for the warning, Rissa. I was reading it while the people were just creeping up. TAKE THAT, YOU CRETINS!!!!
Lily
Aw. Did you have to warn her?
James
If you didn't want a repeat of the Great Tree's Reign of Terror, yes. Besides, do you really want Lily loose in the broomshed?
Rissa
Dear Lord, no … bloody Merlin …
James
Exactly.
Rissa
Interviews from the students … intriguing idea. Write up whatever you can't say to a teacher about it and post it at the third floor statue of the ticwh, behind the hollow segment. Ask one of the portraits to show you if you aren't sure.
We need details about the affected parties. AND the creatures. Pictures helpful. Also, if the Cataclysmic Couple would like to give their views …
I rather like the sound of '101 Reasons James Potter's a Slimy Git.' Or Severus Snape. Or why Miss Lily Evans is disliked by her peers.
You know where to put it all.
The Editor
NO, we bloody well don't! What in bloody hell is a 'ticwh'?!?!? And WHY can't you leave us all bloody well ALONE?!!?!?!
Sirius
It's an anagram, Sirius. For 'witch.'
Remus
We'd also like to run a list of ways to kidnap Sirius Black, hog-tie him, and have your way with him anywhere in Hogwarts … girls interested, feel free to post and/or sign up.
The Editor
Bloody bastard.
Sirius
I know! You could tell him that McGonagall wants him, lead him into a shadowy corridor, have one of your friends waiting to stun him, tie him up before he wakes and levitate him up to the Astronomy Tower … and then you could feed him some Love Potion …
Gloria
Um …
Sirius
Keep my name OUT of this! And kidnapping and molesting students is highly forbidden!
Minerva
Now, Minnie, let the kids have their fun …
Albus
ALBUS!!!!!!!!!
Minerva
--
A/N: And there's the chapter. Now come the reviews, unless you'd like to switch up the order next time.
Questions will be answered if the answers aren't spoilers. Anyone interested in seeing the going-to-Hogwarts-first-year scene in one of the next few chapters (interestingly enough, it also concerns The Editor.) should tell me, because it'll probably be there. I'm looking to wrap second year up soon so we can get on to the whole werewolf/illegal Animagi/Evans-Potter thing. And, of course, Hogsmeade/Invisibility Cloak/Marauder's Map.
Hope you enjoyed.
-N