Tales of the Campfire
Disclaimer: Nope, nope, nope.
AN: And here's part two for you party people!
"That's enough!"
Everyone jumps at Raven's voice because they've all clearly forgotten that he is standing there. He takes a step forward, one small exploratory step towards Estelle. Yuri freezes mid-sentence and all eyes turn to him. He thought he had hit his wall; used up his last remaining remnants of energy, but that was before Yuri took things a little too far. It is Raven's turn to see red at the corners of his eyes and just like Estelle's break down this was something he has to do and he has to do it now.
Or nothing will change. Ever.
When no one moves or yells at him he takes a second and a third and then two more until he's right behind the princess. He puts his left hand on her shoulder, ignoring the twinge in his chest from lifting his arm to its limit (because it only goes so high), she's shaking terribly, as if she's been sitting on a block of ice and all he wants to do is make her stop. He doesn't want her to hurt because of him. Not anymore. He's already caused her enough suffering and he can't bear the fact that even though something's cleared up between them she's now hurting in a different way, but still because of him.
He gives her shoulder a firm squeeze and finally finds it in him to speak. His words are quiet and slow because he's not angry at her. Not at all. "Thank you, Estelle. Thank you, but that's enough for now. For today. Okay?"
Estelle doesn't turn around but starts to shake her head in a blatant refusal. Raven simply takes one more step forward until she's behind him and he looks Yuri dead in the eyes. Dark ones narrow in response, but blue hold steady.
"I've just about had it from you, Yuri Lowell." The pressure inside of Raven's chest twists and he feels like he's finally releasing a breath that he's been holding for far too long. "There is nothing in this world that justifies you telling Estelle how she should feel, certainly not after everything she's been through." He peels his eyes away from the young man to glance at everyone else for a short moment. "That goes for all of you. No one here can tell anyone else how they should act or feel, myself included. Because this isn't just about me kidnapping Estelle anymore; it's about everything else in between that we don't know and don't talk about."
Raven stops for a minute now. He has their attention and no one is going to stop him this time. He's breathing heavy and he feels light headed again but he pushes that aside because right now, this might be the only chance he has. The only chance he has to keep this group from calling it quits today. The only chance to make sure that these young children don't break like he has been broken; so completely and utterly. Taking a couple of deep and shaky breaths, Raven lets the heat on his cheeks cool a little before he continues.
"This is about how ever since she left the castle, Princess Estellise Sidos Heurassein's ideals about the world and the people she believed in were wrong. And now, while fighting to save the world, she has to come to terms with the fact that being a princess hidden from society, she was lied to and used and abused not only recently, but her whole life.
"This is about how Rita Mordio has been living on her own for nearly six years, but that's not because her parents are gone from this world. Maybe she can't understand how to treat humans because she was never truly treated like one before now.
"This is about our Judith and how she watched the world burn around her; killing her family, and friends and it was all because of a stone. She lost faith in people after all that and who wouldn't? But now maybe she is just finding it again, in all of you.
"This is about little Karol Capel and how after his parents were killed he was taken in by people out of pity. But when that sympathy ran dry he was just tossed to the next group to be looked after. Group after group took him in and tossed him out; it's no surprise he thought he would never meet people who would give him a chance to belong. So this, this group, is new and strange for him.
"This is about Yuri Lowell and how he has been treated unjustly his entire life because he was an orphan who was born on the wrong street corner in the wrong part of town. About how he is leading a group of extraordinary people with extraordinary talents to save the world and how he is the one that has to keep it together at all times, despite the fact that he's learning and growing; trying to figure out where he belongs and what he wants to fight for, just like the rest of you."
They might hate him for this and maybe Yuri will pick up one of the discarded weapons in the grass and run him through, but they have to understand. Understand where all of this is coming from and where this is going. He's been playing the "Old Man" card since he's met them, but he's never taken the time to teach them like the old man. He does have a responsibility to these children because he's been there before. And maybe he hated everything when he was there, but he survived and now they can endure as well. He's going to make sure they know that it's possible to live through the unlivable.
"This…this is about how I lost everything in the Great War; lost the one thing I loved and my faith and my will. Until recently, I really didn't care if I died by one hand or another and I was really hopin' that back in that basement, Yuri would do me in. But maybe now… now, after all these years, after I hit rock bottom, I want to find something to live for again. You all know very well what it's like to be broken. Broken things have sharp corners like shattered glass and those corners hurt people that try to get close. So what do you do? You stay away from people even if they're the ones holding the cement that can put you back together. We've all been there and I would bet most of us are there right now!
"Don't think you have any right to talk about me like you know the whole story, because you don't. Life's a hell of a lot more complicated than right and wrong and good versus evil; maybe none of you have been around long enough to see outside the black and white but that doesn't mean you can ignore the in between just because it's easier that way. I know I'm not on your A-List, but that doesn't give you the right to act like I'm not here when it's convenient for you. So if you have something to say about me, you better damn well say it to me."
From there, there's only a sort of stunned silence. Even standing on grass, it's silent enough to hear a pin drop, and the only sounds are those of the rest of the world and the quiet, half-sobbing breaths that Estelle's taking as quietly as she knows how. Even Raven's silent.
Estelle doesn't look away from the ground as she takes a single step forward and lets her hands tangle in the folds of purple fabric at Raven's sleeves. She doesn't say a word, doesn't try to pull him back and away, doesn't try and take even one more step forward. She just holds, touching fabric but not skin, her own underneath the blood stark white and unnaturally pale.
Estelle wavers a little on her feet, feeling the ground beneath her shift without moving. She feels like she's been hollowed out.
Yuri looks like someone's slapped him across the face, mouth hanging open, like all of his words have been ripped out of him. Maybe they have, or maybe he just has nothing left to say. He spends at least fifteen seconds gaping at Raven, then can't help but drag his gaze over Estelle, flinching a little bit at the way she doesn't even look like she's aware of what she's doing, like she's locked herself up away from everyone.
Rita's turned away from all of them, scrubbing hastily at her eyes. She's not upset over Raven, not necessarily, but because Estelle's words still sting, the truth in them more painful than anything else. Raven's truths, too. No one really expects her to change her opinions so quickly, just her actions. That's harder than the opposite, honestly, because changing her mind is easy but habits are a harder sell, and they're habits that go deep.
Karol's the first to get his voice back, and the only thing he can manage to say is a quietly spoken,
"Raven…"
That breaks the spell and it's only a second later that Estelle comes back to herself, letting go and pulling her hands back with a whispered apology that the breeze can't blow over.
And that's all Raven has in him. There's nothing else to say. Not because he shouldn't and not because he doesn't want to, but because, right now, he can't. Can't think of any words or sentences or jokes or… or anything. The only thing he can think to do is turn his back on the group, pick his broken bow up off the ground, and walk away.
Not far, but far enough. To a point where the intense stares beating at his back aren't as intimidating and to where he won't be able to hear them when they start talking again. So he walks and stops and sits down on the grass hard and stares at that cloud that had been overhead just a little while ago as it swims through the sky towards the horizon. A shadow appears next to him and Raven doesn't have to look to know that Repede has decided to join him. The dog lets out a small sigh of air as he lays down next to Raven to watch the sky.
Yuri watches Raven walk away, and jumps a little when Repede walks past him to join the archer, and he watches the man hit the ground but he doesn't move. No one does. Estelle's still crying and shaking and covered in blood, but its dried blood now because no one noticed that when Raven had stepped forward earlier (spirits, that seems like forever ago instead of just a few minutes) he had healed her. He healed her while they had said terrible things about him; both to him and over him. They were so focused on Estelle and her injury that they were blind to the fact that she was okay (in one manner of speaking) and that it was gone.
Of all the times he's let his keen observation skills slip, this was one of the worst. Or maybe it isn't about observation at all but perception or the willingness to accept what he's seen and heard. But what's done is done and what wasn't done wasn't done and he will have to fix this. He has to fix it now. He needs to know why Estelle is crying, he needs to understand why Raven does what he does and says the things he says and thinks the things he thinks.
He needs to because if he doesn't now he never will and that will grate at him forever. Despite all his anger towards the old man right now Yuri knows, deep down, that Raven's been an important part in all this and he's too far invested for them to just toss him aside and forget him. They wouldn't ever be able to forget him no matter how hard they tried.
And trying to forget would be wrong. Very, very wrong. Especially after this because he is right. About everything.
That scares Yuri even more than not knowing about the old man, honestly, just how much Raven knows about them that they never told him. Maybe it's because Raven is just that much older than the rest of them and maybe he knows how to look at people and the world differently, but it's still scary.
Judy moves now, slowly, but shatters the shocked silence nevertheless and all eyes shift to her. She puts on her best smile and holds up her canteen as she looks to Estelle. "There was a pool of water back at the aer krene. I'll go get some so we can clean you up and Ba'ul is on his way so we can get out of here soon."
Judy's voice breaks through the wall of glass that Estelle's thrown up since she let her hold on her temper go and Estelle blinks up at her, feeling a thousand years older and a thousand years tired.
"T-thank you, Judith," she manages to reply with a watery smile that comes slowly but honest, "That's very kind of you."
"You're welcome," the older girl tells her a little too easily, "That's what friends do, isn't it?"
Estelle breathes and lets herself think, tries to let the tension fall away from her like the waves along the shore, and Judy doesn't walk away until Estelle nods once, twice, then tilts her head back down to stare at the grass.
"Yes…yes, it is."
"I'll be right back," she says, and as she passes Rita, she slings an arm around her shoulder and manhandles her right along, "You can help me carry it!"
"B-but you just said it was going in your—" Rita sputters, still being pulled along, "I wanted to—" and Estelle just manages to hear Judy's flippant,
"The poor girl's going to need more than one canteen. Come along… You too, Karol! You can come and watch out for monsters for us." She then proceeds to herd them away in the direction of the aer krene and Estelle can't help being grateful. They'll talk when they come back, because there's no way that she can let things stay that way with Rita. They have their problems but that doesn't change the fact that they're friends and Estelle has every intention of keeping it that way.
So she's grateful.
Well, except that now she's alone with Yuri and Estelle did more than fly off the handle at him, at all of them and to be honest, she's still hurt by the things he told her, even if they were true. She's also afraid because she said such horrible things to him and the idea that maybe he won't forgive her for them… Right now, she kind of wants to dig a large hole and bury herself, preferably for forever. At least until she can talk to him without wanting to flinch. Estelle can't quite meet his eyes and focuses on getting the worst of the blood off of her face with the clean patches on her ruined gloves.
She wants…well, she wants a lot of things.
A large part of her wants to go over and check on Raven…except that she doesn't think that he can take it right now. She knows how it feels to need to be left alone and Repede's with him, and that's probably for the best for now. Right now, she's honestly not in any sort of state to be doing any such thing anyway, not when she's not sure she can even take care of herself, and he's not going anywhere, and—and—
She needs to talk to Yuri.
Spirits, her eyes feel hot again and Estelle absolutely refuses to cry anymore, even though if she does, she seriously doubts that anyone's going to be surprised.
She'll leave Raven to the quiet he wants. She can't help him right now so she'd be best off trying to mend what she can. So in the meantime…
She drags her eyes up from the ground to watch Yuri, who hasn't moved from where he's been standing this whole time, looking lost and confused and hurt. The man shuffles on his feet and stiffens not a little bit nervously when she approaches, like he's not sure whether she's going to yell again or lash out.
Estelle's more than through with yelling, at least for a while.
All it takes is one more step for her to reach out and pull him into a full-body hug, squeezing tightly before letting go and scrambling backwards. She doesn't regret the things she said…but she hates that she put that look on his face. She hates it and she hates that he's probably angry at her for it.
"I…" she starts, voice low and slightly hoarse from shouting and tears, "I'm sorry for screaming like that. I don't usually—I'm not—" She looks away. "I'm sorry. I just—" For all her vitriol earlier, she can't seem to gather up the words she needs to make her point, and Estelle tucks her chin into her collarbone. She's said so much already but she forces the words out by sheer force of will, "You're right about me. I'm not…I'm not fine. I'm not fine at all."
Her vision swims and she shakes her head, wringing her hands in the hem of her dress. The first step is admitting it, right? Maybe then…maybe then, things might come more easily.
"I'm not fine and I don't know how to fix it."
And she's not asking him to try and fix it. She's not even necessarily asking for help in fixing it, because how could she possibly expect that when she can't find an answer for herself? But behind the anger in his words earlier, there was a hurt she hadn't expected. By not saying anything, she'd hurt him and he'd let her.
And even if she can't find her answers yet, Estelle doesn't want to hurt the people she loves anymore and she's starting with Yuri.
A million things are spinning around in Yuri's head and he doesn't know if he can catch a single thought to focus on. Seeing Estelle that angry at everyone, particularly at him, was shocking and well…scary to put it lightly, but Estelle is human just like the rest of them. Sometimes Yuri has to remind himself of that because she is usually so well tempered at everything that would make any other person lose it. He can't imagine how long she's been keeping those emotions locked up and it hurts him to know that she hasn't shared any of it with him (or anyone).
At the same time it's not like he asked her if she was alright. He never told her that she could talk to him if she ever wanted to. He can't blame her for not wanting to talk; Yuri knows that lately he hasn't been the most inviting person and he himself has been keeping a lot of his own thoughts and emotions on lock down.
He had no right to say anything, but he had and now Estelle is hurting worse than she already was.
Today wasn't just about Raven. Maybe something did happen last night to make her want to stick up for him (and yes, she's right about a lot of what she said…if not everything), but there is more to this than Yuri understands right now and he wants to understand, but ultimately that not up to him. If he wants Estelle to stop hurting he has to pull his own weight in the conversation.
"Estelle," he starts out slowly and her name feels so hard to say for some reason. He was the one that gave her that nick name and now it was getting stuck in his throat. "No one would be okay if they went through what you did. No one. Not me or Flynn or… anyone. But…"
But why can't you talk to me? What is it about me that's made you lock up?
Yuri lets out a frustrated sigh. He feels like such a hypocrite right now. "But you can't keep it all inside. I know…I know what that is like. I… really do." Because just like Raven said that is exactly what he has been doing. "That doesn't give me the right to yell at you like I did. I…I'm sorry."
He doesn't know what else to say. Yuri always knows what to say, but right now he doesn't think there are any words that are worthy enough or even capable of fixing this hole he's helped create between him and one of his best friends.
For a moment, Estelle just breathes.
It hasn't been all that long, not really, but it feels like an eternity since they left the aer krene after creating Sylph. It feels like it's been forever but it hasn't, not since the battle or Estelle's losing her temper. It's been long enough that the dust has cleared and the birds are calling again and the air is clean in her lungs even though if she looks up, the Adephagos looms like a spectre.
It's with those words that Estelle feels the imbalance inside her steady out into something that feels a little more normal. Like something more like her, instead of the half-mad something that she was before.
Yuri's apology is…not quite unnecessary but entirely appreciated, and she's able to smile at him in reply without it feeling like it hurts.
Now maybe things can be normal. Not the old normal, because the old normal was unhealthy and not very good for anyone (that much has been made clear, so clear), but maybe it can become a new normal where they don't pretend all the time that everything's okay when it's the furthest thing from it.
"Thank you, Yuri," she says quietly, "That means…"
So much.
So much that sometimes, it's almost everything. So much that sometimes, it feels like it might be the only thing that keeps the world from going dark.
Estelle looks up and her smile comes easier, softer.
"That means a lot to me. Apology accepted."
She remembers not with epiphany but with the softness of memory that in the very beginning it was just the two of them, back when she was running away and he was chasing after a blastia thief. And now here they are trying to save the world, the useless figurehead and the rebel with a half-baked cause, and she'll always feel differently about Yuri than anyone else she'll ever meet.
He's gotten so strong.
"I think…I think we all have some issues with honesty," she says quietly, "And it's no one's fault, it just—it means that we need to work on it." So that this doesn't happen again. Because that's what happens when you care about people, she realizes. If you didn't care, you wouldn't get so upset or hurt. If you didn't care, you wouldn't bother apologizing. If you didn't care, you wouldn't need to try so hard to get it right, and to keep trying when you didn't. "So are we…are we okay?"
Please tell me that we can be okay.
Yuri needs to be honest now because the honesty needs to start sometime or all of this is going to happen again and nothing will ever get better. It needs to get better; for him and Estelle and Karol and everyone. Most importantly right now; the world needs this to get better.
"No, we aren't okay, Estelle. But…but we will be. If we try." Raising a hand, Yuri places it over the spot on his chest where Estelle had slammed her own just a few minutes earlier. He can still feel the shock of the impact. "I don't have a heart like yours and because of that I don't understand a lot of things or maybe I see things differently than you do. I'm glad you're here to point that out for me so don't feel bad, okay? Don't apologize for something that you needed to do." Yuri puts a hand under her chin and lifts her head so she can look him in the eyes. "For something that needed to be done."
And it's true. For as much as Yuri does not want to admit it; it needed to be done. He casts a quick glance over Estelle's head to where Raven is sitting, tinkering with the snapped string on his bow. The older man is obviously hurting, just like Estelle and a part of Yuri wonders if maybe one of the reasons he got so angry is because he's never seen Raven show such true emotion before. It isn't anything as drastic as Estelle hitting him or screaming, but it is different and weird and it was very unexpected.
It means that all those times Yuri was nasty towards Raven he really was hurting him and that all those smiles and laughs and jokes were just a cover. In the back of his mind Yuri knew they were, but it is easier to pretend that those grins were real and that Raven couldn't be hurt.
Because it's so hard to admit that someone who hurt you so badly is human and can also be hurt in return.
Or even worse, maybe Yuri hurting him first pushed Raven to do what he did.
Estelle nods at his answer, accepting and acknowledging the truth there too.
No, they're not okay. But they can be so they will be, she'll make sure of it.
Estelle can't keep from following Yuri's eyes to glance over to where Raven's sitting with Repede, and she couldn't have chosen anyone better to stay with him now. Repede will take care of him until he can manage anything more emotionally draining than figuring out what to have for dinner, and that more than makes up for the fact that he still won't let Estelle pet him regularly.
And then, Estelle takes note of the dark patches that manage to show up against the fabric of Yuri's top. Dark patches that hadn't been there before, and she looks down, seeing half-dried blood still streaking her arms and her front and probably a good deal still on her face. It was nowhere near dried enough. If she looks closely, she can see smudges of it on his skin where she touched him, too.
…oh dear.
She hadn't thought before she'd moved and she really should have, because now Yuri looks like a murder scene too. Less so than her (and not for the first time, Estelle thinks she has to be at least somewhat crazy to be so attached to this dress), but it's still pretty bad. She winces a little at the sight and Yuri blinks at her, not a small bit confused.
"…what?" he asks, narrowing his eyes a little, "Is there something on my face?"
Estelle gives in to the slightly teary, slightly hysterical giggles that always seem to come after an emotional crescendo. She's not just laughing at the ridiculous look on his face but at everything, at the idea that maybe things can change and be better. That maybe now everyone can actually heal.
And the ridiculous look on Yuri's face certainly doesn't hurt.
"Not your face, but everywhere else," she says when she can with an all-encompassing gesture towards his clothing and an apologetic smile, "Let's just say that it's a good thing that three canteens are coming back instead of just one."
No, they're not okay, but they will be.
It feels like a miracle when Judy comes back not long after that, a full canteen in her hand and one of their packs in the other, Rita and Karol trailing slightly behind her. Rita still looks sullen but Karol…Karol just looks like he hurts.
"Sit, Estelle," the older girl tells her and Estelle drops obediently down to the ground, folding her legs up underneath her. Judy follows suit and rummages about in her bag, pulling out a cloth. Estelle fidgets a little but doesn't move or protest when she wets it and, instead of handing it over, reaches out to swipe gently at her face, starting with her temples. It's cold and startling even though she was expecting it, and Estelle lets her eyes close.
She's not nearly as close with Judith as she'd like to be.
Estelle admires her, respects her, and respects her even more for being the one to say the things that no one else will, even when it hurts. Even when it hurts her, because how could it not hurt when someone calls you wishy-washy, says you're taking advantage of your friends? Even when it's true, it still hurts. Maybe it hurts most because it's true, but Estelle can't help but admire that in her.
She wants Judith to like her. Estelle doesn't want anyone to dislike her, but she wants Judith to like her because she likes her, and because Judith makes her want to be better. A better everything, a better Estelle, even when it's hard and when it hurts. Maybe especially when it's hard and when it hurts.
"Are you alright?"
A quiet voice interrupts her thoughts and Estelle opens her eyes to look violet ones straight on.
"Oh, I—I'm fine," she says. Estelle's not fine, but that's—that's a problem, actually. "I—no," she amends, "I'm not."
"I know," Judy says idly and continues to swipe blood and grime off of her cheeks until Estelle feels a little less like a giant scab. It feels good and she doesn't think twice about leaning into it a little bit, a steady touch that doesn't really mean anything or hurt. For some reason, it's a little hard to look her in the face, because something about Judy's expression is softer than usual and different.
If Estelle didn't know better, she'd think that it looked something like pride.
But that doesn't make any sense and she looks away. But there's nowhere else to look. She can watch Raven, facing away from all of them and communing with Repede. She can watch Yuri, which is easier but still not entirely comfortable even though he's steadfastly pretending to not be watching anything other than clouds. She can watch Rita, who's hovering a ways away like she's not sure whether she wants to come closer or get a head start on running, and they're seriously going to have to talk about that one. She can watch Karol, whose gaze darts from Raven to Yuri, back and forth, like he's so conflicted that it hurts.
Estelle turns back to Judy with a quiet whuff of breath.
"Feel better?"
"No," the word slips out of her before she can catch it and the slim hand holding the cloth stills. "I mean…"
"Honesty is a better look on you," Judy tells her quietly, a single eyebrow arching towards her hairline, "You should try it on more often, as I think you well know. You did well, you know." Estelle stiffens and she's not the only one to react. The sudden set of Yuri's shoulders and the way Rita cringes give them both away but Karol's the only one to give up the game he wasn't playing in the first place and actively pay attention. "I mean it."
"I yelled at you."
"Yup, and we deserved it." Judy smiles, a calm, serene little thing that belies everything she doesn't show on her face. "It takes a lot of courage to stand against the people you love…and it's good to see you finally fight for something."
Because Estelle's never fought for something solely because she wanted to. She's done it for everyone else, she's done it for Yuri, and she's done it for the world. She's done it because she thinks it's what she ought to do. She's done it because she doesn't see any other options. But there's a world of difference from that and the show she put on just now, and Judy wouldn't mind seeing it again because she's been looking for that ever since she realized that she wasn't going anywhere anytime soon.
She's always known that there was steel in there somewhere, if only Estelle would man up and fight.
And fight she could. Fight she did.
Judy lets her smile widen and gets the last of the filth off of the princess' face, wringing out the dirty rag and setting it aside to wash later for next time. Because there's always a next time with this crowd and there's just no point in pretending otherwise.
"There!" Judy declares with a flourish, "Good as new. Well…almost."
Estelle looks down at herself and shakes her head.
"Almost," she agrees, "Thank you, Judith." She's not just thanking her for the cleanup.
Judy reaches out and slim fingers curl around her shoulder to squeeze warmly, "You're welcome, Estelle." They sit silently for a few moments but it's not an uncomfortable or awkward silence. "You know, sometimes it helps to just let someone know how're feeling. Even if you don't have anything to say."
"Right…" Estelle thinks of all the nights she's spent awake either staring into flames or staring up at the sky or staring at the fabric of the tent, and she wonders just how many of those nights Judy might have been awake, might have known, might have listened. "I'll try that sometime."
"Good," And with that, Judith springs to her feet and straightens, crossing her arms over her chest. "Why don't we start thinking about where we're going to set up camp? I think we should stop early today." Estelle wants to protest initially and then changes her mind about it almost immediately. A few more hours of travel aren't worth letting things steam and honestly, it's not too hard to let herself agree with the other girl.
"I think so too." Green eyes glance over to where Rita stands, set apart from everyone else, defensive and curled in. "I'll ask Rita if she'll set up the tents with me."
"Good plan," Judy replies and meanders over to where Yuri's standing and still pretending to not be paying attention.
Raven hears Estelle's light giggle at whatever Yuri said and a minute later he hears Yuri give a low chuckle and he lets out a slow unsteady breath. At least he didn't ruin anything permanently between those two because for a good five minutes he was scared that he had and he never would have been able to live with himself if that was true. He's ruined a lot recently and he's going to change that. How exactly he's going to do that he's not too sure yet, but he'll figure it out.
He hadn't expected Estelle to react the way she had, but then again, Raven should have remembered that no one can expect anything from Estelle because she'll just surprise you in one way or another.
And Raven is grateful. So grateful because it has been a very long time since anyone has stood up for him like that. Too long really, ten years too long. It's a weird feeling to have someone standing at your side, but it's nice too. It's not that he hasn't had people to stand by him since the war. He made friends and had those that he trusted and those who trusted him (and spirits does it hurt to think about how they shouldn't have trusted him at all). But even through all that and even with the few, very few that knew the truth it still never felt completely real or sincere.
And this did. Somehow, someway, this felt more tangible and more honest and Raven liked that.
This is going to continue, he'll make sure of that, but it's going to take a lot work on Raven's part. He's going to have to talk to everyone and it's not going to be easy. It's going to be one of the hardest things he's ever had to do and he's terrified and he doesn't know what he's going to say or where or when he'll do it, but he will do this.
There're more footsteps walking around behind him and Raven knows that Judy, Karol and Rita have returned, but other than that it's quiet. Very quiet. Turning his broken bow over in his hands Raven picks up the broken string and twists the end until it's in a tight coil. He could fix it well enough to last until they got to the next town or city so he could buy a new one. Right now, fixing a bow sounds like the best way to spend an evening. A simple mindless task that can keep his fingers busy and give his head time to clear.
"Raven?" The archer jumps as Karol materializes next to him and sits down, his large bag thumping against the ground. His words are shy and shaky, like he doesn't know if he should be sitting there or not. "Are you okay?"
Raven can't help but give Karol a small thankful smile. "Yeah, I'll be fine, kid."
"You're not lying are you?"
Now Raven flinches. He is too used to doing that; saying what needs to be said so that the other person would stop asking questions and not figure out that he's lying. He needs to stop and that is going to take a little more than a grandiose effort.
"I'm tired." Raven corrects himself- and who would have thought that those two words could be so difficult to say when they're authentic? "This spirit creation thing isn't real kind to my blastia and its never reacted that way before, so I don't really know what's going on." Karol's face pales. "But the way I see it, and I said this before… I think that this is all worth it. So don't worry too much, all right?"
Karol scrunches his face into a deep frown. "How can you expect me not to worry, Raven? I… I know I never told you before but… but I like having you around. I was really scared when I saw you fall."
Closing his eyes Raven has to hold in a heavy sigh. Of everyone he's hurt in the past and out of everyone he's hurt recently, Estelle aside, it pains him so much to think of what he did to Karol. Unlike the others, Raven knew about Karol and where he came from. Karol might not have known who Raven was, but he was around when Karol was growing up in Dahngrest, when Karol's parents were killed and when he joined and left almost every guild there was. He knew him because the Don knew him and he knows what Karol's life has been like and Raven hates himself for somehow finding the ability to be that heartless towards a kid he honestly cares for.
When they were fighting in that abandoned building, Karol's words hurt the most. His eyes and tears made Raven so happy that Yuri was about to put an end to him. And then Yuri didn't and now Raven still finds it difficult to look at Karol, to not want to bury his face in his hands in shame. The kid is so young and so brave and Raven betrayed that. Sometimes he just can't take it; how is he supposed to forgive himself for this?
How has Karol been able to treat him relatively normally compared to the others? He was the only other one outside of Estelle that had just worried over him.
"Well I didn't mean to scare ya." He says softly. "But you don't have to worry because ol' Raven here isn't gonna leave you young ones just yet." Turning Raven gives Karol his signature wink. "And that's a promise."
Somehow I'll prove this. Somehow.
Karol looks over him with scrutiny, unsure of whether to be suspicious of that wink or not.
In the end, suspicion wins out.
"If you promise, that means you absolutely have to keep it. No take-backs," he elaborates, "No loopholes, no exaggerations. You promised, so I'm holding you to it." There's a part of his brain that warns him not to expect much to come from promises, but that sort of negativity is what got them all into this in the first place.
Negativity, apathy, resentment…all of those things came out today and Karol hated seeing that kind of ugliness in anyone, much less his friends and himself, too. This happened because they hid things and couldn't trust each other and he knows that it's not going to happen perfectly right away, but he's got to try.
He's got to try and have faith.
It's still complicated and Karol still has so many things tied up in Raven and pain but despite all that he cares, and things are better with him here.
If Raven can make a promise to stay and keep it, Karol can make and keep a promise to make things better.
"And you have to say something if it gets to be too much, yeah?" He eyes the area of Raven's chest where he knows the blastia is; he's done little else but think about that thing and sometimes, he thinks himself into such small, horrible circles that he just has to stop. A strange, indecipherable look flashes across Raven's face before it's replaced with a crooked little half smile that's suddenly more honest than all of the others, now that Karol knows what to look for. "Deal?"
Raven hesitates for just a second. He's made deals and promises before, lots of them, but in the last ten years he's hardly honored any of them. This one he has to honor and that's a tall, intimidating order. Slowly he nods. "Deal."
Yuri doesn't turn around until Judy speaks at him. "Ba'ul's here. We don't have to travel far, perhaps just somewhere a little safer and away from all the dead bugs."
Nodding Yuri spots the Entelexeia in the air, circling and gradually descending towards the scattered group. His eyes then sweep the field across Estelle approaching Rita and then to Karol who has since meandered over to sit with Raven and Repede. This was going to be a difficult (awkward?) night, but Judy is right; they should definitely call it quits for the day and set up early to sort things out. Ba'ul lets out his usual warning cry before dipping down and settling on the edge of the field with the Fiertia for them to climb on.
It's quiet as everyone walks to board the ship and Yuri can't help but watch Raven as he gets up slowly with Karol's help, still unsteady on his feet. In lieu of everything that's happened it's pretty easy to forget that this all started when the older man collapsed. No one has asked the archer if he is alright yet (well Karol probably has at this point, but it's already an overdue question), but even Estelle seems to have forgotten to fuss over him (which no one will blame her for). Yuri frowns as he watches everyone trudge across the field in front of him, exhausted in both mind and body.
They still have so much to do, so many miles to travel in their journey to save the world. Sometimes Yuri finds it so overwhelming; after Raven he was the oldest one in their group and he feels well… responsible. Even if Judy is eons more mature than him he's still the strongest and it falls to him to make sure everyone stays safe and makes it to the end of all of this. That means taking the night watch even when he's at the end of his own rope and it means he has to push his own problems aside so the others can deal with theirs.
But that's part of why things escalated the way they did today. He has so much to sort through in his own mind and he can't ignore it anymore. If he learned anything today (aside from the fact that Estelle has a gut of steel) it is that he has to face up to his own misconceptions and hesitations.
Judy walks alongside him silently until they're all on the Fiertia and Ba'ul has taken to the sky. The Krityan leans alongside the rail that Yuri has chosen to park himself against and turns an easy smile at him. "Ba'ul says there are a couple of small islands to the west of here that we might be able to set up on."
Yuri nods, but can't seem to find it in himself to look back at Judy. "That sounds good. I think we can all use an early turn in tonight."
"Yes, I agree." Judy points to Yuri's canteen hanging from his belt. "Do you mind if I take a sip? Mine's empty."
Yuri unclips his canteen and hands it off as he raises an eyebrow at the Krityan. "You're remarkably good at acting like nothing's happened."
"Oh?" Judy puts a hand to her cheek, a familiar glint flickering in her eyes that Yuri can never quite place but is always ridiculously suspicious of. "I'm not pretending that nothing's happened. That would be pretty hard to do, don't you think?"
"Could have fooled me." Yuri shakes his head as he finally turns to face Judith and he can't help but chuckle at her sugary, innocent smile (that in reality is about as far from innocent as Desier is from Zaphias). "I called you a terrorist."
"Well, you won't be doing that again, right?"
Judy's smile bursts into a grin that's so sweetly smug Yuri has to resist the urge to put his face in his hands. "No, I definitely won't. Sorry about that."
"Good," she says cheerfully, "I'd certainly hate to make you regret repeating it." Judy shifts her gaze from Yuri to watch the clouds go by overhead. It's remarkably calm and it's comforting to be back in the familiarity of the Fiertia rather than down on the ground with the corpses. "And apology accepted. My Krityan senses tell me that there are going to quite a few of those flying around tonight." Jokingly, she tugs at the tiny Ba'ul hanging from her hair.
"No kidding," Yuri mutters in reply and takes his canteen back, sticking it back onto his belt. "You sure you need special senses for that?"
Judith idly runs her fingers through her bangs and shrugs.
"No, but they help."
They fall into an easy quiet, all things considered, until she speaks again.
"You know, it's not often that I'm really surprised. But I didn't see that coming."
And she didn't, not from a mile away, not from six inches away, not until it was staring her in the face and there was nothing anyone could do about it. At the very least, she can be happy that she wasn't the only one.
Yuri shakes his head. "I'm pretty sure none of us did, but in the end can't say I'm surprised. Looking back on it, I'm really more shocked that it didn't happen sooner."
Which is true. They've been traveling together for so long now and have been through so much together it's a miracle (and no small one at that) that things never escalated like this before. When you travel in a group of their size, or any size, there will be tension and there will be things about each other that pull nerves. Sure, they all had their tiny grievances about each other, but everyone in their group is so wonderfully perfect at keeping everything inside they really were just a walking time bomb, waiting to go off.
Judy nods her agreement looking a little more than sad. "It's too bad it had to come to this, but I'm not disappointed that it did. We all have a lot to learn."
"That's the biggest understatement of the day."
And who'd have thought they'd be learning that from Raven?
Yuri picks himself off the railing as Karol wanders over, his hands fiddling with the strap of his bag that is laying across his chest. "Yuri? Can I talk to you a minute?"
"Anytime, chief." Yuri puts a hand in the air at Judy and follows Karol across the deck towards the front of the ship. For everything that just happened the young guild leader is just about as put together as Judy is, which makes Yuri feel a little more than childish for exploding the way he did. "What's up?"
"I want to talk to you about some guild stuff." Karol leaves it at that and picks up his pace until he's as far forward as you can go on the Fiertia, where he turns and waits for Yuri.
As he walks Yuri spots pink and red sitting together on the opposite side of the bow. Estelle and Rita aren't facing each other, but they're talking which is probably the best Yuri can hope for right now. He and Estelle had said some hurtful things to one another, but Rita had taken a little more than the brunt of Estelle's wrath, not that the mage wasn't partially to blame herself. He can only hope that they'll work things out because he knows that the princess thinks of Rita as a good friend and, despite a refusal to ever admit it, Rita's come to really like Estelle.
Over on that end of the boat, Rita hasn't felt this awkward or nervous or guilty or scared in a long time. This is why it's so much easier to just stay away from people. Easier to not befriend or trust anyone because in the end, they'll probably hurt you or, just like now, you'll hurt them even worse.
She hates apologies. Not because they're difficult to say because if you're sorry you're sorry and there's not much more to it, but because Rita sucks at them. She finds it so difficult to sound sincere or honest because for her whole life, sincerity has only gotten her in trouble or has made others, usually those older than her, look down on her as weak or incapable and Rita knows she is very capable. Capable of fixing this mess, somehow.
Not that the whole thing was her fault. The old man and Yuri have to take most of the blame, but Rita can't deny the fact that she also had a moment where all sense and reason had been flung aside and all that reigned was anger and worry and panic.
So here she is, sitting with Estelle and she has no idea what to say. If Estelle was a blastia this would be easy, but she's not and therein lies Rita's biggest problem. Estelle is right; more right than Judy saying they all deserved what healer had said (because they did). Rita doesn't know how to treat people like people. She's always thrown herself into her blastia research, and those precious, delicate little stones became more than just her passion. They became her friends and the only things she could trust. Because she couldn't trust other researchers; they would steal her ideas or discoveries simply because she was younger than them. They lacked faith in her abilities so why should she have had confidence in theirs?
What is even scarier is how Raven had hit the nail on the head about her. She had never thought about it before, but maybe part of the reason she overly cared for blastia was because she wanted to take care of them and protect them in a way she had never experienced herself.
Still, that isn't an excuse she can use anymore because once she met Estelle and Yuri, everything changed. Everything changed, but she had refused to change herself and that was where Element A had met Element B and created the volatile explosion in the field today.
Casting a sideways glance at Estelle Rita lets out a small nervous sigh. She was always an all or nothing kind of person and now is no different from any other time. If Yuri was man enough to admit she wasn't a blastia thief back then (and there will still never be anything more hilariously wrong than that was) then she could do this now. "Estelle, I... I'm sorry I yelled at you like that."
Estelle doesn't say anything at first, instead sitting quietly next to the edge of the boat and watching the horizon line; spotted with clouds and innocuous if she could only ignore the giant undulating tentacle streaking across the sky.
"You don't…" she begins, rethinks what she was going to say, and starts again, "I'm not the one you owe apologies to. You yelled but you didn't say anything excessively cruel. On the other hand…" she glances to the side and eyes Karol standing with Yuri. "There are other people who would do better to hear them from you."
They'd all said more than their share and Estelle thinks that apologies are going to be much more commonplace around here for at least a while. Rita follows her gaze but when Estelle turns to watch her, she can't meet her eyes.
"I don't—" Rita cuts herself off and stares at the ground, listening to the quiet whistling of the wind. "…yeah," she answers and tilts her body away from Estelle like she's expecting a blow, "I do, don't I?"
"You do," Estelle replies and when Rita flinches, she continues, "And so do I. I wasn't exactly kind to you. I'm sorry that I shouted; I took out more on you than I probably should have."
Oh, there goes the guilt, and Rita hunches in on herself to try and stave it off to no avail, because even though she'd love to simply take the admission as permission to let things go back to the way they were, she just can't. Rita wishes that she did deserve that permission but she doesn't. None of them do, and she knows where her fault lies.
She hates it, but she knows it.
"I deserved it," she mutters, "I'm not an idiot." Except that she might be, she might really be, but she can't just sit by and let Estelle go around looking like she felt, which was pretty close to the scum of planet. "But thanks anyway."
Estelle twists her hands in her lap, a nervous tell that has Rita wanting to reach out and stop her.
"He was right," she says quietly under her breath, so quietly that Estelle has to lean in to hear it, "The old man was right about me."
Estelle closes her eyes and scoots closer, a gesture that should have made Rita uncomfortable but instead made her less out of her element. Keeping Estelle close feels better than having her far away.
"I know," she replies after a heartbeat too many, "He was right about me too."
Rita rakes her hands through her hair and folds her knees up to her chin with a quiet sigh. "I don't know how to be with people. I don't know how to like people more than blastia. People…people leave, and they're unreliable, and they take what's yours and just walk out the—they just leave." Estelle leans closer until she very purposefully bumps the other girl with her shoulder.
"Do you like me more than blastia?" she can't but ask, quirking an eyebrow when Rita gapes at her.
"What?"
"I said, do you like me more than blastia?" Estelle repeats patiently as Rita sputters.
"What? But that—that's totally different, I…" she trails off and looks away, "…yes."
"Then it's a start, okay? If you have a place to start, you have a place to go. You just…you need to think about how you treat others, because people hurt and blastia don't. People might let you down sometimes but they can also help you a lot more than a blastia can. People can leave you but people can also run after you. A blastia…blastia are important and special, but they can't do that."
Rita hangs her head and buries her face in her knees, feeling Estelle sling an arm around her shoulder. How could she just do that? It's not like she's trying to act like anything's happened; Estelle's just as awkward and uncomfortable as Rita feels, but she's still making the effort to try. To try and help. Almost solely because she can, because Estelle's been hurt too.
"You're making me look bad," she murmurs into her knees.
Estelle thinks a moment. "I think as Judith might say, that's what friends are for."
"Don't you have that backwards then?"
"Nope," Estelle shakes her head. "Today we all made each other look bad, but it wasn't because we aren't friends. I was thinking about this before, but I think the reason things escalated the way they did is because we care for one another just that much. We were all worried and scared for the next person, but none of us knew how to go about fixing it."
Rita nods. It makes sense when Estelle puts it that way; despite everything in her that has told her to not care about these people, she does. Some more than others but she can't leave them, not like the people who have left her because then she would be no better than them in the end.
Estelle can't keep back the smile and reaches out to turn her companionable shoulder grab into a full on hug, squeezing tightly for a few seconds until Rita gets over her shock and returns it. When she pulls away, the younger girl is looking less tense but distinctly red in the face.
"I'll leave you to it," she says and gets to her feet, "I have something I need to do before we reach tonight's camp."
"O..okay," Rita replies and Estelle waves before turning and approaching the spot where Yuri and Karol are standing.
"Hey," Yuri tells her, "Everything okay?"
"Going to be, I think," And that's the truth. "I actually…" she turns to Karol, "Karol, I don't suppose you know where Raven is, do you?"
She wanted to give him some time to himself, avoid smothering him or making things weird…but she needs to see him, if only to make sure that he's going to be physically okay. Through all of the ruckus, she hasn't even gotten around to checking in on him, which makes her feel quite a bit like the most terrible friend ever.
"I'm pretty sure he's down in the hull somewhere…Repede should be with him. He's definitely down there somewhere," Karol tells her and Estelle sinks down into a hurried curtsy before turning on a heel to leave.
"Thank you, Karol!" she calls behind her, voice bouncing off the wooden walls of the Fiertia. The stairs are abandoned and the hallways as well as the first three rooms she checks are empty.
It's on her sixth try that she finds him in one of the storerooms that they've worked into a bedroom; he's facing the wall and curled up on top of the sheets rather than underneath them, silent and still. Estelle wonders for a moment if he's sleeping but she's positive that he's not. Repede is with him too, flopped on his back on top of Raven's feet, and he might have looked asleep if not for the way he cocks his head and watches her as she enters the room.
He's not stupid, Estelle knows that he knows she's there, and she approaches the bed to sit on the edge of it, reaching out a hand to take advantage of the rarer-than-rare opportunity of Repede allowing her a brief pat on the head.
"Hello," she says softly to the motionless lump that's currently Raven, "I just…I wanted to check up on you, see how you were feeling. See if I could do anything." She hasn't forgotten that before all the craziness, she'd panicked to see him go down and even afterwards, he hadn't looked like he was feeling any better, not a single little bit.
Raven doesn't need to ask or turn over to see who it is that open the door to the room he chose to plunk himself down in. Estelle's footsteps are remarkably quieter than anyone else's on board (especially Karol or Yuri's, eggbears the both of them). He had parted with Karol up on deck with every intention of maybe sleeping before they touched down wherever they were going to set up camp, but that certainly didn't happen.
He feels awful; in every sense of the word. Physically he just hurts; his body is tired and stressed and he really ought to figure out why his blastia did what it did, but mentally he's been wiped clean. After last night and throughout the day he's run himself dry. Now only two things were running through his mind: different ways to fix his bow and how much he was looking forward to bed tonight. Both of which were somehow pressing enough to keep him from resting at all.
Estelle sits lightly on the side of his bed and Raven takes a deep breath before pulling himself over and up, curling his feet towards him (rolling Repede off his feet) to sit in his usual butterfly style. Repede gives a short indignant huff before jumping off the bed to resettle on the floor near the door. The dog closes his eyes, but his ears are perked up; listening for anyone else who might come down unannounced.
Staring at his feet through the pieces of hair that have fallen over his eyes Raven shakes his head to answer Estelle's question. Usually he'd take this opportunity to crack a joke and make some over the top demand, but right now all he can do is just say it like it is "That's sweet of you, but I'm not sure there's a whole lot that can be done."
And really that's both the long and short of it. If he doesn't know why his blastia went on the fritz there's nothing that can be done to try and fix it. Turing he looks over at the princess; hoping that maybe his face doesn't look as bad as he feels, but knowing that it probably looks worse. Estelle looks tired too; which is a comfort in a way to know that he wasn't the only one that just wants to call it quits for the day. There are still red stains all over her dress and she had discarded her gloves completely and it's almost too easy to forget that today, she bled for him.
"I haven't thanked you yet." He says as he reaches up and taps her arm in the exact spot she had had a hole just barely an hour ago. "You've done a lot for me in the past day, most of which I don't deserve-" Raven holds a hand up as Estelle gets that glint in her eye and goes on quickly. "But, I want you to know that it means a lot to this old man. So, thank you."
Estelle means to reply, to refute the very idea that he doesn't deserve the things she's done (not enough, not enough, not enough) but he cuts her off quickly enough that she can't get a word in and by the time he's finished, all she can do is gape at him for a few seconds.
Then she can't do anything but smile, a wide, soft, quiet thing that she's not used all that much in the past while.
"You're welcome," she says steadily, because it doesn't matter why, doesn't matter if you deserve the thank you or not (because she doesn't, not for doing what she should have done for so long), doesn't matter if you think it's even needed. If someone says thank you, there's only one appropriate answer. That goes double for when it's something that you'd do again and again and again, as many times as it was needed. "And thank you, too. For this," she makes a quick gesture to her arm, "And for…for the rest, too."
She knows that apologies around here are going to be as common as springtime butterflies in Zaphias, but she knows that she's got quite a few other things to say too, starting with thank yous of her own.
"I know I needed to hear it," and here her smile slips just a little but it's not dishonest in its return, "And so did everyone else. I only wish…well, I suppose it all should have happened sooner."
Like a volcano, she thinks. She's read about them in books. Safer to be around one that routinely goes off in small explosions than one that simmers for years until it combusts, burying everything around it in molten rock and flame. She thinks that if this is going to happen, she'd rather it happen more often and avoid the feeling she has now, which is mostly tired.
Spirits, she's tired and not just from not sleeping the past night, not just from the spirit conversion, not even just from her blowup. Just…all of it, and then talking to Yuri and talking to Judy (which had been surprisingly easy) and talking to Rita (which had been decidedly not), and…
Estelle can understand why Raven looks so exhausted right now, if what she's feeling now is even a fraction of what he's got on him.
When Raven sits up, a good deal of his hair (released from its normal tie, because who takes a nap with their hair up?) flops in front of his face, and it's with a hint of déjà vu that Estelle reaches out to brush it aside to reveal his eyes, tucking it behind his ears much like she'd done the night before. Her hand lingers there for a few seconds, fingertips resting at his temple, before she pulls it away with a gentle smile.
"Even if there's nothing I can really do, please tell me if you're not feeling better after you get some rest, okay? Maybe I can't heal your blastia, but I can do other things to make it easier. So tell me, otherwise I'll have to guess." The tone's not as serious, with a joking little lilt on the end of the threat, but she means those words. She's not just a magic healer; she's done her reading, she can do the things that everyone else can too.
She knows, moreso now than even last night, that things have changed for good between them. She'll never think about him in quite the same way ever again, and that's for the better too.
"It seems like it will be at least a little while before we arrive at the campsite," Estelle says quietly and cocks her head, "Try and rest until then."
Raven chuckles and raises both of his eyebrows skyward. "I thought I was the oldest one around here? I can't have you tellin' me to take a nap; it hurts the pride a bit." Though, he can't say he doesn't want to take her suggestion. Estelle's jaw drops and Raven smirks. "Well, thank you for the wellness check, but I think Repede and I could use a little more quiet time."
The princess nods and stands up, lightly patting out the wrinkles in the sheets she made. She clearly understands what he means and Raven's glad to have someone around that finally gets it. That finally someone appreciates where he's coming from. The idea of having a person know anything about him (aside from the select few…) always terrified him, but now that he has talked with Estelle it's really not all that bad. A little embarrassing, but not bad.
Raven flops back to his pillow before Estelle's even at the door and slings an arm over his eyes. He knows that from here on things are going to be drastically different and he's glad, if not a little worried or scared. It will take time for everything to smooth out, but right now it all just seems so daunting. He's so tired at the moment that he's not sure he'll be able to get out of the bed whenever they land, but Raven knows he is going to have to. Just like he'll have to get up early tomorrow morning and face the day like he has for the past 35 years; only it's going to be different. Good or bad is yet to be seen, but he'll do it.
At least he knows that much; even if he can't figure anything else out at the moment. Yes, getting up in the morning sounds like a good first goal right now.
The boat rocks a little as Ba'ul tips to turn and Raven rolls over as Repede jumps back to his spot at the end of the bed. The door clicks shut and the silence lulls him into a light sleep. It's dreamless and not entirely restful, but later on Raven will be glad for the short hour he gets because it's the last time he will get to see his pillow for a while.
Estelle lets the door close behind her with a nearly inaudible click. She has things to do, she knows. It won't be long before they touch back down on land, before they need to set up camp. Then there'll be even more to do, with putting up tents and getting dinner ready and probably more complicated conversations that she needs but doesn't want.
But for now…
Estelle leans up against the closed door and presses the heels of her palms into her eyes.
She's tired. Very, very tired. Not anywhere near as tired as the man she just left, not even close, but all she really wants to do is find a nice, quiet storeroom and hole up herself, but that's not going to happen. Maybe if Estelle's lucky, she'll remember how it felt to pull out the part of her that lashed out today, and that part might keep her strong through the talks she's avoided for so long, that Yuri won't let her avoid anymore. She's avoided so much that somehow, it's even scarier than it was in the beginning.
There are people she can fight for, though.
Estelle turns and for just a second lets her forehead press against the wood of the door. She knows she won't be heard when she whispers, "Thank you," so quietly against it before turning away to make her way back up the stairs and onto the deck of the Fiertia.
The sun's bright and almost blinding but she doesn't look away.
AN2: Thank you so much for reading! If you have anything to say to either of us, please leave a review! We love the feedback.