I'm sorry to everyone whom I told I would be updating the weekend after Halloween. Life and stuff (mostly writers block) got in the way (or at least, that's my excuse) BUT... asdfghjkl thirty three reviews total. Twenty-three for the last chapter. I love every single one of you who have commented to pieces, for serious. You own my soul. A very, very special thanks to Novelist Pup and ritachi for even READING this; your works continue to inspire me.
And I've just realised I haven't been putting up a disclaimer. I guess it's because already know (and mourn over the fact that) I don't own D. Gray-Man, because if I did Kanda would be taller than Lavi. Definitely.
I think I also have to disclaim a few other things... like Charlie the Unicorn. I don't own, folks.
This chapter is a little slow; forgive me.
... Lavi, Kanda and modern-day entertainment/media makes me giggle. Insanely.
Horses with High Pitched Voices
If one ever needed a quiet place to talk in silence, the various exits and entrances of the school were the best places to go after school hours. After going through the first door door, one was presented with about two meters by two meters of space with the heaters before you'd have to go through the second door leading outside. It was here that Kanda found himself speaking with Lavi about fifteen minutes after the last bell.
The redhead was sitting on his jacket, which was currently on the floor, his back pressed against the creaking heater. Kanda, meanwhile, was leaning against the wall opposite, a can of green tea on hand and his backpack set somewhere by his feet.
Lavi spoke as soon as he deemed himself comfortable, and Kanda prepared himself for what he knew was going to be a very long and very pointless discussion.
"I want to do something that will make others see our genius."
"If you're looking to make an impression like that half of the people in our school aren't going to understand it," Kanda stated dourly, raising a brow.
"Your point?"
"You should know by now that the masses are entertained by the most idiotic things on the face of this Earth. If you do anything too complicated they'll just brush it off as being a waste of time."
"Enlighten me, oh wise one."
"Instead of working on our Case Study like we were supposed to last week we just ended up staying up watching goddamn viral videos. Like those motherfucking horses with the high pitched voices... something about a candy island? Stupid shit."
"Charlie the Unicorn, that was the journey to Candy Mountain," Lavi was grinning like the devil.
"Whatever. He lost his fucking kidneys in the end is all I remember. Even though it was just an acid trip it still ended up going viral."
"Want me to do my impersonation?"
"Lavi I swear to God if you start I'll kick your ass so fast–"
"We're on a bridge Charlie!"
Lavi was promptly punched in the back of the head.
"FUCK!"
"I told you I'd kick your ass if you started."
"Well actually, you specifically said you'd kick my ass. Nothing about punching me in the back of the head."
"Fucking idiot."
"Is that all your vocabulary consists of, profanities?"
"Does it matter?"
"Well now that you mention it no, not really. I just hope you don't mouth off during a job interview or something. That would be catastrophic."
"Just shut up and get back to the point."
"Ah, right..." the redhead trailed off, gnawing on his pen cap and staring at the ceiling, his fingers of his free hand tapping on the heater to some obscure beat only he understood, "as much as I hate to admit it, I kind of have to agree with you; people are amused by the simplest, stupidest of things... hey, remember that high school graduation ceremony?"
"The one where some moron ran across the stage in a six-foot inflatable penis costume?"
"... Pfft–" Lavi began snickering, doubling over slightly, "y-you said penis."
"Your point?" Kanda rose a brow, bringing his can of green tea to his lips.
"You said penis. I dunno, Yuu, it coming from you... so bluntly, and with such a straightforward look on your face..." it was here that Lavi broke out laughing again. Kanda felt his eyebrow twitch as his dark eyes surveyed the redhead, unamused.
"Aren't you capable of not acting like an idiot for any longer than twenty seconds?"
"You love me anyways."
"Burn in hell."
"Well, pleasantries aside, I think it's about time we got down to business," Lavi sat up a bit straighter, surveying Kanda with a rather mischievous glint in his eye, "let's get cracking."
"Let me get this straight," Kanda looked over the list of items they'd be requiring to pull off their first stunt.
And it was a stunt in bad taste at that.
Then again, Lavi had been the one to concoct it, so he wasn't surprised.
"The key to the biology department, a fetal pig corpse stolen from the biology department, theatrical blood, scalpels... what the fuck, Lavi?"
"Yuu, all of this is totally, completely, utterly necessary. Don't question the process!"
He looked up from the paper to the redhead's face. The grin, in Kanda's opinion, made eye patch sporting teen extremely unconvincing.
"How do you plan to get the key?"
"You act as if I haven't been putting serious thought into this," Lavi seemed slightly offended, "isn't it obvious? All of the departments have the same master key. Mister Wenham gives me his keys to open up the Chemistry classroom every day since I show up earliest – and Mister Lee's always bugging him about something, so he's usually late. I can just sneak the master key off, hand it over to you, and we can head into the Bio department at three fifteen, nobody will be in there at that point, since there's a teachers conference on the day I picked for our little plan to be put into action."
"And won't he notice the key is missing?"
"I'll just slip it under the room door after we get our prize and he can find it in the morning and act as if it must have dropped off by accident."
"Cameras," the onyx-eyed teen stated flatly, as if it would deter Lavi, "don't you think they'd find it a little suspicious if the two of us were seen leaving the Biology Department with a fetal pig corpse?"
"Wheels is taking care of that," Lavi was grinning from ear to ear.
Kanda's expression went blank before becoming incredulous.
"You got Richards in on this?"
"Why d'you insist on calling just about everyone by their last names?" the redhead scratched his cheek with his fingertip idly, "c'mon, Yuu. Taylor practically lives on the Internet, and he should just own up and turn himself into a cyborg or something considering how technology obsessed he is. All I had to do was pay him fifty bucks and he said he'd scramble up the security cameras for us."
Taylor Richards was a Junior infamously known as Wheels because, well, he was in a wheelchair. Kanda wasn't one to feel sympathy for people, and there was something about the kid he just didn't trust. Greedy. Money mongering. Always on his laptop if you ever even saw him at all (most of the time he skipped school just to stay home on his computer all day, according to sources), and all business all the time.
"How d'you know we can trust him?" the dark-haired Japanese was frowning a bit more prominently than usual, "and what if he gets caught? We'd all be fucked over."
"Wheels is insane at what he does, Yuu, trust me. He'd cover up his tracks, but he did give us a time limit to get in and out of there if we want to avoid as much trouble as possible."
"... Being?"
"Well, three minutes would be ideal. Seven max," Lavi's smile was uneasy now, "think we can pull it off?"
"Well we're going to have to now, thanks to you," Kanda did not seem happy about this arrangement. At all.
Then again, he was rarely happy about anything.
He found himself wondering (for what might be the hundredth time) why he was going along with this.
This was one of those insane plans wherein so many things could go horribly, horribly wrong–
And didn't.
Kanda was beyond disbelief by the time he and Lavi had safely ended up behind the school dumpster (a blind spot for whatever sparse few cameras there were outside), cardboard box on hand, their hoods still up over their heads just in case anyone spotted them.
Flawless.
Everything had gone exactly how Lavi had said it would, and it was shit scary that it had. Not a single hitch. Lavi stole Mister Wenham's key, they waited it out until three fifteen when the staff members would all be downstairs in the auditorium for their meeting, Wheels called up Lavi on his cell the second the security cameras were down and they had seven minutes max to move.
Lavi'd brought a cardboard box with him for them to hide their prize of sorts in, and the second they'd gotten into the Bio department they spotted the large contraption in a far off corner, like a freezer. Lavi head over first, opened it, and grinned widely.
"Got'cha."
He withdrew something that was in a large Ziplock bag and placed it in the cardboard box before shutting the top of it over the bag and then closing the freezer. Kanda was keeping watch by the door, and as soon as Lavi had what they needed they both head out. Lavi handed the box to Kanda as he relocked the door and then head to Mister Wenham's room on the same floor, sliding the key he'd stolen off of the poor teacher under the room's entrance and making sure he got it as far into the room as possible. After all, it could appear as if he'd just dropped it while pacing up and down the class while he was teaching. Heaven knew that man had enough keys.
They'd have to run out the direct exit though, considering they were on the second floor. Going to the back stairs and down the first flight, the second flight, and then the door, directly making their way into the chill September air.
Lavi got on his cellphone again immediately, he and Kanda making their way to their designated place behind the dumpsters.
"Taylor? Yeah, we made it out. We're behind the dumpster now – etch, what the fuck did I get on me – no, we didn't run into anyone. It was smooth, man. What was our time?"
There was a warbled response.
"Five minutes?"
Kanda lent against the brick wall of the school and tired to ignore the foul stench that seemed to be surrounding him, a mixture of the odor coming from the box in his arms and the dumpster at such close proximity. Had he been a weaker person he probably would have gagged. Why the hell was Lavi able to talk him into doing stuff like this anyways?
The redhead bantered on his cell for a little longer and then hung up.
"If everything goes okay tomorrow morning, this'll be well worth the money it took to hire Wheels," he looked down in the box Kanda was currently carrying, "so... shall we move on with part two?"
"Might as well," the black haired teen grumbled, setting the box down on the paved ground. Lavi withdrew two pairs of latex gloves from his pockets – it'd been easy enough to buy a case from any local drugstore, handed a pair to Kanda, and then pulled them onto his own hands as he crouched down in front of the box and took out the Ziplock bag and its contents, flipping the cardboard cube over so they could use it as a surface of sorts.
Kanda pulled on his gloves idly, and then withdrew two slender scalpels from his hoodie's pocket; uncapping them to expose the thin blades. If anyone had noticed the Japanese teen carrying particularly pointy objects around today, they hadn't said anything. Maybe it was because students and teachers alike feared his wrath.
Lavi looked a little squeamish when Kanda handed him one of them, and the dark eyed boy proceeded to take the small corpse out of the Ziplock bag.
"So we need to get rid of the snout, right?"
"What about the tail?"
"Nah. After all, all humans have a tail at first, it's just absorbed by the body in the womb."
"Whatever," Kanda prodded the fetus' snout with his scalpel idly.
"... God, this is why I didn't take Biology," the redhead shuddered.
"And this," Kanda stated with what Lavi thought was a slightly cynical look in his eye as he drew his hand back, the scalpel (which, Lavi thought to himself, was maybe a bit too sharp) gripped in it tightly, posed to stab at any given moment, "is exactly why I took Biology."
tbc... .
A/N -:
Once again, sorry for the uber late update.
(... -dodges tomatoes- )
I know this chapter wasn't all that great; not so action-packed either, just banter and planning for the most part. But I PROMISE that the next chapter (which will definitely be up a lot quicker than this one, for sure!) will be far more interesting, and maybe even contain some... ( -gasp- ) KandaLavi?
This is a word of warning for chapter four:
Lavi and Kanda's prank is totally and completely in very, very, very bad taste. But it inspired me, and I figured it'd be something creative enough for them to pull off as their debut stunt. Some of you may find it incredibly offensive. As such, I'm putting a warning in this chapter and the next – considering I'd really like to not have people get pissed with me when I've given fair warning.
The good news is my block is gone; for the next chapter anyways. All thanks to my awesome friend Miranda; if it weren't for her I wouldn't have gotten anywhere.
And thanks to the incredible people that have reviewed, yet again. I hope you find it in you to click the little blue "Go" button once more.
:: EDIT ::
Thank you, ritachi for the wonderful review and info; this chapter has been altered from its original version.