Here we are again, better late than… well never won't happen. My muse is a fickle yet hyperactive thing. Sometimes I can stare at the same paragraph for days, but other times I can't put the damn computer down. I was supposed to be doing work yesterday, instead I wrote two thirds of chapter 4. If I can finish it today it will be awesome, but these are also times that can drag on. On that note…

Broken Promises

Chapter 3- Doubt

Hitomi

It seems like I'm always running, but I'm never actually getting anywhere, spinning in constant circles. Just when I think I've started to move forward, I see the same signs of regression. Did I sabotage any chance at happiness? By giving in to my fantasies and Van for once, have I betrayed Izumi's trust? If my heart is really still set on the wild-haired king, why did I let him think it was meaningless? Will Van ever forgive me? Was it actually cheating? After all, it was just a dream, right?

Since that night, I've been haunted equally by the hurt I saw in Van's normally guarded eyes and the feel of his hands exploring my forbidden places.

I've dated Izumi for years, but the thought of him touching me in the same way as Van only makes my stomach upset. Despite being tired all the time, I no longer seem to sleep well. Maybe the stress is also why I don't have an appetite anymore or enjoy the things I used to.

Feeling guilty and genuinely terrible, I don't know how I have kept this pretense up for so long. Possibly I've managed so far, because it is still what is expected of me. I should be happy, glowing even. Instead, my skin, which never had an issue with zits even as a teen, now wears a constant break out, like a mark of sin.

The images of happy, beautiful, blushing brides have started to blur together. I know they are just models in wedding dresses, but the magazines spread out in front of me only bring more dread. So many choices, and I don't care about any of this. It's just an expensive waste of energy.

I've never felt so lost and alone in my old home as I do in this moment. I should be comforted by the steady chatter of my oldest friend and the warm, caring aura of my mother. Instead, I find myself uneasy. Things are moving so quickly, yet I'm stuck in place watching the world pass around me.

I should be happy, except the hurt on Van's face the moment I broke his heart replays over and over in my head. I have no choice but the relive the torture. I never said I was going to marry Izumi after everything that happened between us. Then again, his accusations that I only wanted to use him hurt me just as much. It's as though my childish fickleness has remained after all these years. Really, did he expect me to suddenly declare unending love and an instant desire to return to Gaia just because of a dream?

Plans have moved forward with the wedding despite my reluctance, and I don't know what I really want anymore. If love were enough, shouldn't I want to go back to Gaia, Fanelia, and Van? Then again, should I really be forced to give up the life I've worked so hard for, the happiness I've been able to grow on my own? How old-fashioned and chauvinistic it is to think that only a man can make you happy! I've learned years ago that you can't rely on such things to make you happy. Millearna taught me that; she was, is, a stronger woman than I am. You can't pin all your hopes on another person. It's not fair to either of you. Yet here I sit like a fool, hoping that someone can make this all better, praying that I haven't broken my own heart too.

It's been a lifetime since high school, but Yukari is still my greatest friend and ally. Because of my disappearance, Amano never joined his father in England. He argued to live with a relative and stay here in Japan. The change in plans kept him and Yukari together, and now they've been married six years. I'm glad that they get to live the dream: three children under five years old, a small house of their own, Amano's decent job, and enough love to survive on. It is true happiness, after all.

It would be petty to say that I was jealous of Yukari, and I would never want to take any of her happiness away. Why couldn't things just fall in place like that for me? Izumi is a good man. He's smart, capable, and really going to make something of himself. So, why do I have to imagine things differently just to fake any sort of enthusiasm for a future with him? Could I still be in love with Van?

What can I do now that I've pushed him away? This time I've hurt him enough to cut our connection, the one that spanned a decade. It is now completely gone. No matter how I try to reach Van, it's like the connection never existed.

I should be joyfully preparing for the next stage in my life, yet I can't stop myself from feeling like this is all one huge mistake. Will I grow to love Izumi, or am I trapping us both in an unhappy marriage just to salvage what others think is best for me?

At the very least, I recognize that right now my emotions are twisting, tangled webs of doubt. What would happen if I called off the wedding? Have I finally gotten to the point where I've hurt others more than enough? It feels like I've used up the last lucky card in my deck. No one will get out of this without more pain.

That night I gave into what I really wanted without any thought of the consequences. Van asked several times, as if he knew I'd regret being with him. The worst part is that he was right for the wrong reasons. I wouldn't change that night for anything, except for the terrible end. If anything, I want to revel in those stolen moments and tell Van how much all of it meant to me. Deep down, being with him may be what I've always wanted, but I'm not ready to leave this life behind.

The glossy magazine pages crumple under my overly rough turning, and Yukari has noticed finally. She snatches the book out of my abusive grasp with a huff. "Geeze, what did Modern Brides ever do to you? Hitomi, what's wrong? You look like someone who's waiting on death row."

"Inmates probably have better reading material," I sulk moodily as my mother clicks her tongue at our unladylike banter.

"What has gotten into you lately?" Yukari askes with genuine concern. Her hand finds mine, and I want to blurt everything out. My oldest friend would understand. She remembers my disappearance and how things were when I returned.

I was on Gaia for more than three months, but when I returned, only one had passed back home. Even more unexplainable is that I never came back in the middle of the adventure. Yukari remembered the dragon attack and the strange boy who killed it. It seems when I sent myself home during the war, I wasn't actually there but some combined reality between the worlds.

I guess that my will was strong enough to carve a new plane of existence, giving me the chance to change my decision that fateful. I was reliving the memories of my last day before everything changed. If I hadn't called to Van, I don't know what would have happened. And if he hadn't come for me, could I have found my way out alone? Would I have continued to relive those last few days of normal life?

Before I can blurt out my confused emotions, a light bulb goes off in Yukari's mind. "Oh, I know!" she grins knowingly. "You're pregnant!"

Her excited words stun me into silence. It's impossible, right? I grasp for logic to prove her wrong, but what if those dreams took place in the middle reality? If Van and I have been calling to each other and actually meeting there, then that would explain how we could touch. What it left unanswered was the invisible wall that separated us for the last ten years and how Van defeated it for the first time.

My mother makes another disapproving noise. I feel her eyes studying me as if my face has all the answers.

"That's not funny, Yukari," I hedge weakly, not having a better response. My mind reels trying to count back to my last cycle, but I can't remember one in the last two months. That's how long it's been since that night.

"Really? Tell me I'm wrong." My friend leaned forward on the table, all magazines and wedding plans forgotten. "You're tired, moody, and have no appetite. You can't tell me that giant zit on your chin isn't from hormones. The first trimester is hell, and not everyone throws up. I didn't with the boys. The morning sickness was only bad with my Sachiko. You must be having a boy."

"That's an old wives' tale," my mother soothed. She didn't rebuff the entire theory though.

"I'm not…" I try to say not pregnant, but the last word sticks in my throat sourly.

"I knew the whole virgin bride thing was a myth these days." Yukari grins wider. "You better set that wedding date for soon."

I'm saved by the chirping of Yukari's phone. I've never been so happy for her harried babysitter to call. Not that I want her oldest child throwing up, but it couldn't have happened at a better time for my sanity. With quick apologies and a promise to call for all the details later, she leaves.

Silence grows between my mother and me. She makes tea without asking if I want some and sits back down across from me without a word.

My symptoms do match. If we really did sleep together, it could be a possibility, albeit a terrible one. I couldn't lead Izumi on while pregnant with Van's child. If that is the case, do I have any option available other than running back to Gaia in shame?

"A baby right now would not be a good thing." My mother's soft words pulled me out of my spinning thoughts.

"How did you know?" She takes a sip of her tea and shoots me a look that says: I know you better than anyone. "No, it wouldn't be good." I agree letting the warmth of the tea cup soak into my hands, not drinking it but still taking comfort.

"I should tell you a quick story." With a sigh, my mother settles her cup back onto the table top. "When your Grandmother Yuri was a girl, she disappeared for a week. She came back with stories of another world, one beyond the moon, but that wasn't all she returned with."

I'd heard part of this story before when I first came back from Gaia, but the ending was entirely new. My mind spun, working out what she meant and how it related to my situation. With a gasp, I realized the words not said. "Grandfather wasn't your real dad."

"I didn't find out until I was a teenager myself." She nodded in solemn agreement. "Her family arranged the match quickly to save face. Just because people think it's what is best for you, doesn't mean that it will make you happy."

"Mother," I start, but she holds up a hand, silencing me with one motion.

"Izumi isn't the right person for you, and letting others' opinions choose for you isn't good for anyone." Somehow, it seems so simple when she says it. "Hitomi, it's up to you to figure out what will really make you happy. I'm your mother, so I'll always be on your side, no matter what. I just want you to follow your heart."

Moved, I reach for her hand, and she takes mine with a small smile. Mother was the one person who always believed me, always believed in me. She had such a secret kept inside all this time, but she shared it with me. Now, it was my turn.

"I don't know what to do." A tightness in my chest I hadn't realized was there, or had been holding on to for years, eases slightly. "Izumi has always been good to me. It doesn't seem fair to him, but I also don't know what other choices I have."

"What's his name?" I startle slightly at her simple question. Of all thing things asked of me, no one wanted to know this until now.

"Van. His name is Van." I close my eyes, imagining his wild raven hair caught on a strong spring breeze. "He is needed there, and I don't want to leave my life here."

"You love him regardless of distance." Mother's open expression showed she understood where my heart truly lies. Her next words come as a painful reality. "It's still an affair, even if it's just an emotional one. This has to end. You have to either end things with Izumi or let Van go."

"But I-" I start, but she quickly cuts me off.

"You don't need to convince me, dear, but he is still in your heart."

It sinks in fully, what she sees in me and everything standing between what I can have and what I actually want. That's why when I thought I could be with Van even just for a night, in a place removed from reality, I took it willingly. He was right; I was selfish, but he was also wrong.

I never intended to hurt Van, but after all this time, how could he expect anything different? What kind of future did he imagine for us? This path could only lead to more confusion and mutual self-destruction.

It was with those thoughts swirling I left my childhood home. Pushing Van away doesn't make me love him less. It only hurts me more, twisting and pulling me in every direction. What if there is a chance that there was another complication of that night?

A baby, Van's baby. As much as I fear the possibility, there is also this deep, indescribable feeling, something like joy and longing balled up into one emotion. Even as a grown woman, I am embarrassed to purchase that simple box covering a dual pack of tests. I feel eyes judging me, even when no one appears to be looking.

Everything changes depending on this result. Though my heart in in my throat as I wait the agonizing minutes for an answer, a new feeling grows that I can't give words to. Maybe it's hope. A small beeping of the little kitchen timer I've brought into the bathroom fills the narrow space.

Turning over the simple white plastic, I read the two windows. The result is clear. One line, not two, not pregnant.

Yukari's teasing made me think, made me see a parallel in my symptoms. It caused both panic and hope. My lack of appetite, constant fatigue, and moodiness were not signs of a child this time. Still, they seemed to start after that night. It must be a kind of depression, a loss of confidence in my path. If I am so unhappy that others have started to notice the change in me, then why am I doing this to myself?

I can't do it anymore. I won't marry Izumi, but that doesn't mean I must go running back to Van either. If I had turned out pregnant, then I wouldn't have had much of a choice. Although Japan is a modern society and has moved with the times, part of it will always be more traditional. An unmarried woman having a child is bad enough. There is no way she would be seen as a good role model to teenagers. I would have lost my job as a teacher in a heartbeat.

It wouldn't matter in the slightest that the possible child would be from a king. To people here Van is a figment of my imagination. They would start rumors and make accusations I could never fight. No one would listen.

So, as much as I am relieved to have one less complication in my life, I find disappointment a sour acid burning through me. A feeling of deep loss takes me by surprise. The thought of a child moves something powerful I never expected.

I do want a baby, one with Van, but I want it in the right way, and at the right time. Now is not it.

First, I have to end things with Izumi. Anything less isn't fair to him.

We have dinner plans tonight, and although I know this is something I must do, it will in no way be painless. No, this will probably be one of the hardest things I've ever done. If I can face a war and say goodbye to Van after everything we've been though, then this is just another trial.

I should have done this two months ago when I chose something with my heart, but it took longer to convince my mind. Maybe I had myself so convinced that it was just a dream, because then it wasn't really cheating. If it wasn't real, nothing had to change. Imaginary or not, I wanted that time with Van more than I have ever wanted anything in my life.

Taking a deep breath, I shove the spent pregnancy test into its box and thrust it into the bottom of my waste basket. I ball up handfuls of tissue paper for added coverage. Though it was negative, that test was still a red flag pointing at my sins. The last thing I need is Izumi seeing this and assuming something terrible. In all actuality, he wouldn't be far off, but it's better this way.

People say omitting the truth is a kind of lying. I don't love Izumi, but I do still care for him. If I can save him a little bit of pain in this, I will. Taking my time, I dress as I would if the date was still on, one of my nicer dresses, a bit of makeup, and just a little styling to my short hair. As I was trying to decide if I should wear a necklace or not, my eyes dart over the small calendar I keep on my dresser. If I had thought about checking it, I wouldn't have been so out of my mind earlier. I marked my last period a couple of weeks ago. Nothing was missed; I just didn't pay it much mind with everything else going on. My period the month before was probably right on schedule too. Yukari's theory had just burrowed so quickly into my mind, blank with fear and regret. How easy it is to influence someone with a suggestion like that. It's pretty astonishing how thought, logic even, can be swayed.

A quick knock at the door drew me back into the present. Izumi, punctual as always. I've run out of time. This is it.

I greet him and turn my head at the last second, making his kiss land on my cheek. A crease appears between his brows, showing he noticed. Thankfully, his good manners keep him from saying anything.

"You look lovely," he says, looking me over. Suddenly, I'm very conscious of the dip of my neckline and the extra skin shown there.

"Thank you." I dip my head, a little shy. "Would you like some tea?"

"Yes, that would be nice," he agrees with a smile. "We have some time before our reservation."

Glad to have something to busy myself with, I shuffle over to the tiny kitchen area and fill a kettle full of water from the tap. Turing on the burner, I hear him ask to wash his hands and I nod wordlessly. It's another small blessing. At least for a few minutes, I won't feel him watching my every move.

With a job to do, my hands seem steadier, less afraid. Setting up cups, measuring the tea leaves, then all I could do is wait for the water to boil. Izumi returns from the bathroom, and I expect him to take a seat at my small table. Instead, he surprises me by silently moving directly behind me, strong hands circling my waist intimately.

"Izumi!" Shocked, I try to pull away, but the grip on my hips tightens almost painfully. "What has gotten into you?"

I try not to cringe as his lips brush my neck, moist breaths puffing against the sensitive skin. "Can't I show my fiancé some attention?" This time he gives me just enough room to turn around. Steam begins to hiss lightly from the kettle spout as water starts to boil in the tea pot on the stove.

"Please, the tea is almost ready," I beg, trying uselessly to move out of his grasp. My hands are on his shoulders. I can see into his eyes, and something dark lingers in their depths, making me freeze.

"It can wait, Hitomi." The words are low. They shouldn't scare me, but they do. With a little force, he shoves me back, so I collide with the wall. A small thump sounds from the impact. When Van had me in a similar position, I was never afraid like this. Nervousness churns my stomach like stormy waters.

"Please, Izumi!" It comes out as a soft plea, almost whine. This is the second time a man has pressed me against a wall, but this time is a far less pleasant experience.

"Is something wrong?" It should sound caring, but the threatening edge makes my skin crawl anxiously. Then I notice something in his right hand, a slip of folded white paper. It's the instructions from my earlier misadventure with a pregnancy test. Having never taken one before, I checked how long I needed to wait several times, just to be sure. Distracted by the result, I must have left it by the sink in the bathroom by mistake.

Shame colored my cheeks. What did he want me to do? Admit what I did was wrong? Beg his forgiveness? Outrage flared through my veins. What gave him the right to toy with me like this?

"Stop it, Izumi." I push him away just enough to squeeze past. Still rattled, I turn off the heat down under the kettle, which had started to change pitch with the rapid boiling.

"Who is he?" The fight leaves me slightly. After all, I did cheat. He spent three years being patient with me, and I chose another man who only spoke to me once in that whole time.

"Does it matter?" I sigh, leaning on the narrow counter heavily. The darkness in his eyes makes sense to me now, pain. Guilt weighs heavily. "I'm-"

"Pregnant?" he questions, cutting me off quickly.

"Sorry."

"Is that all you have to say to me?" His brows furrow in confusion. Izumi is a good man; he would never hurt me. Unfortunately, I can't say the same.

"What do you want me to say?" My shoulders sag. I should try to explain myself, but I can't.

His fists clench for a moment, only a moment though. He turns away and heads for the door. Izumi stops short of leaving. The defeated hunch to his shoulders reminds me of how Van looked as he left believing I had used him. Now this man too will carry the wounds of my broken promises.

"I never stopped loving him." If I speak from my heart and let it all go, can I end this painful cycle of hurting and being hurt? "It wasn't planned. I didn't think I'd ever see him again, but I also never meant to hurt you."

"Would you have told me?" His question is soft, but Izumi is looking at me again.

"Honestly, I don't know." The truth is I was preparing myself to end thing, but coming entirely clean wasn't in the plan. "Izumi, I do care for you, but it won't be enough. You deserve better, someone that loves and thinks only of you. For a while, I thought that could be me."

Removing the oversized ring, I take a few steps forward, holding it out. His sad eyes look at it like a foreign object he's never seen before. After a few slow heartbeats, Izumi lets me drop it into his palm. My fingertips brush his warm skin, and it feels like a bolt of lightning shoots through me.

I know, pretty much everything. He wants to threaten me, to injure me emotionally, but my honesty makes him think twice. In a way, I've hurt his pride more than anything. He'll move on to a woman who shares more than general conversation and can actually make him happy. This is better in the long run, although it doesn't feel that way right now.

Once he's gone, my knees go weak, sliding down to the floor in relief. I haven't had a vision that strong in a very long time. It makes me miss Van terribly. He'd understand. I wonder if that stubborn man would ever speak to me again.

I guess at this point it all depends on how long it takes me to get back to Gaia. There are still things I need to take care of here: family, friends, and life's loose ends. Who knows? Maybe I've hurt Van too badly this time, but I won't know until I try.

Emotionally, I should be drained after the day I've had, from wedding dresses to a broken engagement. All I can think of are the beginnings of an exit strategy. I feel more like myself than I have in a very long time. It won't always be easy, this road I'm traveling, but it will be entirely worth it. After all, those stolen moments I shared with Van, once in a dream, were the happiest in my entire life.

To Be Continued…

A/N- This chapter went through a lot of changes. I had a concerned reviewer asking that Hitomi not be pregnant. It was the original plan. I've only written one pregnancy story and it was a teenage one. This time they are adults. After that request I started thinking, a baby would become a central focus. Van and Hitomi don't need that complication, they have enough problems to get through as it is.

Izumi also changed, he was going to be more of a villain, and cause Hitomi to lose her job. She was going to lose everything she worked for because the pain caused by that night of passion. Instead I thought about it, she may not love him but she wouldn't be that close to someone who wasn't a good person. He's a bit arrogant, and a touch self-centered, but that is part of what made him attractive and a good doctor. Also, originally, he was going to suspect the pregnancy, because of his training.

Hitomi's mother was always supportive, now we see she had her own secret. Ha ha! Threw in an old school conspiracy theory. Some people believe that Allen is actually Hitomi's uncle which makes their flirtation, and kiss worse… even though a 15-year-old girl with a 21-year-old man was bad enough. If Allen's father Leon and Hitomi's grandmother did more than talk during her visit (the first one not the time she was called when he was dying) than the two are related. It wasn't focused on here after the shock factor, Hitomi had more on her mind. It will come back into play later.

Well?! I can't wait to hear what you think! So, please take a minute to let me know!