Bernie heard a notification come through on her phone and glanced at it to see what it was. It was the end of a very long day and she was yearning to talk to Serena and run everything passed her, but she knew that she couldn't, not after sending that letter. So, seeing an email notification with Serena's name on it she knew what it must be about, she decided not to read it just yet. Bernie was sat at the bar of a hotel, whiskey in her hand and she had been mulling over everything. Now, she was sat at the bar of a hotel mulling over something very specific, Serena's reaction to the letter and what level of scorn, bile and hurt she could put into an email. After all, a letter took time to write, allowing the writer more time to think and read before sending, an email? You could just type everything and press send and then it was out there in the world. Bernie looked at her watch, the time difference was only two hours, she estimated that Serena had got home from work, read the letter, had a drink and rattled off the email and was now sat staring at her phone, tablet or laptop, waiting for a response. Bernie turned her phone over and continued to drink.

By the time Bernie got home, she was slightly worse for wear, not drunk, but she could definitely feel it. What had started off as a casual drink after work had changed into something else, something with over-thinking and beating herself up when she received that notification. She took out her phone from her pocket and looked at it, that little light was still blinking at the top, so she turned it over and put it down.

Bernie started to think again. Why had she written that letter? She was lonely and she missed Serena, she felt like she was being burnt up by either the memory of her or the lack of her, she wasn't sure which. She had felt out of control. Ok, so did she still feel like that? Yes. Did she regret writing that letter? Yes and no. She felt scared that she was going to get confirmation of all her worst fears but at the same time, she knew that she had had to tell Serena what was going on, how she felt, she was done being a coward. She looked at her phone again, she stood up and went into the bedroom, put her phone down on the bedside table and then went to have a shower, humidity really was the worst.

When she came back into the bedroom, the first thing she saw was a photo of the two of them together, which sat on the chest of drawers. Normally she didn't notice it, it was just part of the furniture, but now it was like it had flashing lights all around it and she couldn't tear her gaze away from it. She sat on the bed and continued to look at it. At first it made her smile, Serena in a wide brimmed sun hat and large, Hollywood sunglasses and Bernie kissing her on the cheek as they took the selfie, then it made her feel sad and lastly it made her feel regret. Regret. The worst of all emotions. She had spent so long deliberating over that letter, pouring her heart out, trying to capture how she felt in words but now, all she felt was regret about sending it, sending Serena the weak part of herself, the part that felt doubt, the part that was lonely. But, it was done and now she had to deal with what Serena had written in that email. A quickly written piece of vitriol, no doubt. She decided that she couldn't put it off any longer, she picked up her phone and opened the email, closed her eyes, took a deep breath and then read whatever it was that Serena had to say.

'Bernie, Darling,' Well here goes nothing.

By the time she finished she was crying, there was no real anger in the email, it was hurt. Serena was hurting and had tried to convey this in words, she wasn't angry, she was asking to understand. Bernie ached for her, she felt the pain twice over, her pain and Serena's pain. Bernie felt like an idiot and decided to write a reply, straight away to avoid overthinking everything.

'Darling,

Please forgive me. I was scared and lonely. I meant everything I said in my letter but perhaps I was confusing the meaning. I love you with every inch of my being and sometimes it feels so much that I can't cope with it. I look at photos of us together and I so want to be in that moment again, I talk to the image of you, because it's all I have. I have never felt this way before and I think I am just learning how to deal with it.

Darling, I'm not angry with you, if I was angry with anybody it would be with myself. But no, I'm not angry. I'm so sorry that I made you cry, I didn't mean to, that wasn't the point. I guess I thought that destroying all at once what we have would be so much easier than watching it crumble over time. Believe me when I say this, being without you every day is the hardest thing I've ever endured. I thought I was too weak to endure it, I thought you deserved more. I'm a coward, I run, but it really is time to stop, I don't want to keep running from everything, from you. Sometimes missing you makes me feel weak and out of control and I hit out when I feel like that. Missing you is taking up a large part of me, too large a part if I'm honest.

Did you really tell Ric that I was the love affair of your life? The feeling is mutual. I love you more than anyone else, ever before. Reading that made me realise just how lucky I am. I'm so sorry. Please say you'll forgive me. I want to spend an eternity with you too, you are everything to me. I'm sorry for hurting you, scaring you.

I love you

Bernie x'

She pressed send and took another deep breath.