There wasn't a light on anywhere that she could see as she stepped inside and pulled the scarf from her neck, before doubling it over and inserting it into her pocket for safe keeping. She was forever losing them. The loft was so unusually quiet that she stopped right inside the door for a moment to enjoy it. She almost never got to come home to moments like these. No, normally there was a bustle. And most of her loved it. She'd grown so accustomed to the bustle of activity within the walls of the apartment it didn't seem uncommon or out of the ordinary anymore.
It was nothing to come home to find that Alexis was freeze drying things as part of an experiment or that Rick had duct taped himself to a chair so he could work his way out for a scene in his book, or that Martha was in the study belting out show tunes at the top of her lungs in preparation for an audition.
No, these things were all just part of living in the Castle household and she loved every one of them.
At first, she was very concerned over whether she'd fit here. She was a quiet kind of person. She liked diffused lighting and soft music and a calm atmosphere. But she had to admit, at the same time, she loved the action. There was always something happening and she loved being a part of that. Still, she craved, on occasion, the kind of atmosphere she had just stepped into. Normally the only place she could find such a feeling of serenity was in their bedroom. That had been Rick's idea when she confessed to missing the peace and quiet one night right after she moved in. He had made the bedroom a 'quiet' zone in the house. Nothing loud or rambunctious was allowed in the room at the end of a long hall, which essentially set it apart from the rest of the loft as well. It was the perfect spot. He changed all the light bulbs to lower wattages, let her redecorate the place to her taste, which included soft, natural fibers and warm, peaceful colors like browns and moss greens. It was her sanctuary.
Now, the entire apartment had that feel and it wasn't something she normally experienced.
She finally allowed herself to shrug out of her coat. After hanging it on the hook right inside the door, she took a deep breath and that was when it hit her. Someone had very recently made popcorn. The buttery, salty mouth-watering aroma hit her hungry stomach and it gave a loud growl of appreciation. Then she had no other option but to follow the scent past the kitchen and down to the hall.
She stopped short at the door to the living room and leaned against the door frame, making herself as invisible as possible as she took in the sight before her.
Rick had the projector set up. All the lights were out, leaving the fire roaring in the corner as the only illumination. He and Alexis were on the couch, covered by a throw blanket, with a bowl of the delicious-smelling popcorn between them. They both held huge disposable soft drink cups in their hands and there was an assortment of candy bars and other sweets sitting about the base of the popcorn bowl.
They were playing 'At the movies'. She and Rick had played it themselves a few times in the past four months since she'd moved in.
Alexis' head was resting on her father's shoulder as they both stared straight ahead at the screen in front of them. It was the movie playing that made Kate pause and question whether she should join them. She watched as the tiny little Alexis on the screen took her first staggering steps across a floor she recognized as the one in the kitchen a few feet behind her. She wasn't sure she'd be welcome to intrude on such a personal, private thing between them. She knew from his history that Rick had a problem sharing Alexis with the other women in his life. Gina had complained about it frequently. It was one of the promises he'd made to her when their relationship first began. But she didn't know if she should push the issue. She didn't want to force him to do anything he didn't want to do. He had so little time left with Alexis anyway. She couldn't begrudge him any second of it. She understood how crushed he would be when she left. It was something he talked about often when they were alone in the dark.
She was just about to slink off down the hall and leave them to it, when Rick raised his head and noticed her standing there.
A moment later, Alexis was smiling at her, too. Still, she hesitated. "I was just going to make some dinner."
"Dinner can wait. We have candy and popcorn right here," Rick smiled up at her. "Besides, if you leave now you'll miss the part where she falls on her butt and starts to cry like a baby."
Alexis protested. "I WAS a baby," and punched him in the shoulder. Apparently a little of Kate was wearing off on her. Rick tossed her a slightly wounded, slightly accusatory glare. "She was never violent before you showed up."
"So you're blaming me for this?" she smiled in return. "Maybe its because you weren't as annoying before I showed up?"
Alexis turned to her with another huge, welcoming smile. "That's it exactly."
"I am completely outnumbered by the females in this household," he realized suddenly. "I need some male reinforcements around pronto."
"I could call Ashley," Alexis offered.
Castle shot her a glance. "I was thinking more along the lines of getting a dog, not inviting some teenager over to paw at my daughter while we watch movies in the dark." He stopped her with a look when she began to protest. "I know he's a very nice boy, but I was a teenager myself. And while I might not have been a nice boy, I had friends that were and none of them could resist the movie make out."
Kate was still reeling slightly in the doorway while this exchange went on. It meant something, being invited into this moment with his daughter. It was significant and touching. She knew he was grasping onto any snippets of time he had left with her and to be invited to join that memory was something special, indeed.
"Kate?" Alexis was waving her hand in front of her, trying to her attention. "There's plenty of room. I'll scoot over and you can get in the middle."
Kate caught Rick's eyes and while he wasn't openly protesting, she could tell that he didn't like the idea of Alexis moving away from him, either. So she waved Alexis off. "No, you're both comfortable. Don't move on my account."
Then she stepped past them both and took her spot on his opposite side, leaving him in the middle between them. It was the perfect compromise. Her way of letting him have his cake and eat it, too. His arm came around her and he used it to pull her in tighter as he laid a kiss to the top of her head. She knew right then that she had made the perfect choice.
Rick glanced down to grab a handful of popcorn and stopped short at the sight on his chest. His arm's tightened instinctively around the two most important people in his life as he continued to stare at his chest where each of them were resting their hands. They were almost touching, but not quite, neither of them maintaining more of a hold on him than the other. Neither of them fighting for the dominate piece of him.
That was how it often seemed between Gina and Alexis. It wasn't that they didn't like each other. They got along well together, in fact, although Alexis did see Gina as a trifle flighty and frivolous for her taste It was more of an unspoken argument between them. But then, Alexis was going through the first stages of puberty at the time. He could excuse her underlying possessiveness where he was concerned. He was her parent and she was feeling especially needy and vulnerable. Of course she'd want to think she was the most important thing in his life. The feelings of insecurity that came with raging hormones alone were enough to make her clingy. He was surprised she'd gotten through it all as easily as she had. Most little girls acted out when a new woman was introduced into their environment during that particular time in their lives. It was a normal, natural reaction and he'd been ready for it to happen, had anticipated a whole lot worse than he got.
But things were so different now. Back then, he'd been the most important thing in Alexis' life as well. Now, outside influences were a factor. Ashley, for one and probably most importantly. Rick knew that, for now, he still owned the top spot on Alexis' list of favorite people, but the young man was sneaking up on him and gaining faster than Rick was altogether comfortable with. He had no idea what he was going to do when he slipped to number two. It would happen eventually. It was supposed to happen even. He knew full well that he couldn't hold on to the top spot forever. That just wasn't how it worked. But still, he knew when the time came and he realized it for the first time, he'd be devastated.
Still, he also knew that things were different because Alexis accepted Kate in a way that she had never accepted any of the other women in his life. He had a sneaky suspicion that none of the other women had been good enough as far as Alexis was concerned. Kate had somehow passed Alexis' screening process. It hadn't been easy. Alexis was picky when it came to the women that she deemed worthy to share her father with.
He was very glad that they got along so well. The nagging question of proposing to Kate had been weighing heavily on his mind for weeks now, especially since they lost the baby. Something had changed between them after that and it seemed now that it was simply a question of when they would get married instead of would they.
He knew he was ready. He had never been more certain of anything in his life. He'd never felt so right about anything before.
A soft groan from Alexis brought his attention back to the screen and he laughed quietly at the scene that was now playing. It was his wedding video. Another chuckle came when he considered where his thoughts had been when they were interrupted.
The Rick on the screen was twirling Gina around a grand ballroom full of on-lookers and well-wishers. And he couldn't help but think about how different his feelings were for the woman in his arms as opposed to the one he was dancing with in the movie.
He hadn't lied to Gina when he told her he loved her. He had. He was pretty certain there was a time when he loved her very much. Of course as Kate snuggled a little further into his side, he also knew that he had had no idea what the concept even meant back then. He felt a little guilty for that. He cared about Gina. He wished her all the happiness in the world. He wished that someday she would find a man that looked at her like he looked at Kate.
Actually, he wasn't at all selfish. Now that he knew what it felt like to really love someone, now that he'd experienced for himself, he wished everyone in the world to same happiness he had found.
He wished he was as certain about Kate. He knew she loved him, loved him to a point that astounded him. He was not worthy of the amount of love she held for him in her eyes sometimes. It was overwhelming that someone so amazing found him amazing as well.
Three DVD's and several hours later, it was storming. They hadn't noticed when the rain started, but now as he and Kate got ready for bed, the thunder was sharp and almost threatening. Something far heavier than rain was pelting the window pane and that noise combined with the thunder to make an even more malevolent sound.
A particularly loud clap of that thunder and an intense streak of lightning lit up the night sky just as Kate was stepping over to her side of the bed and pulling back the blankets. He watched with barely contained amusement as the noise startled her and she made a dive for the bed in her surprise. The blankets were drawn tightly around her almost before her body settled into the mattress and she stared wide-eyed out the window towards the source of her shock.
"Are you okay?" he asked, when her eyes lingered on the window a little longer.
She quickly sat up, took a deep breath and gave herself a little shake. "I'm fine," was her quick, clipped answer.
"It's okay to be scared of thunderstorms, Kate. A lot of people are," he pushed, trying to be as gentle as he could. Obviously, she was disturbed and he wanted to help, maybe even hold her till the storm passed. But he knew if he came on too hard with the hero-type behavior she would immediately shut up, turn over and ride out the storm all by herself.
She turned to him sharply and narrowed her eyes. He knew in that instant that he had somehow said the wrong thing. "I'm not scared of the storm. I was startled by the noise. The storm doesn't bother me. I would appreciate it if you stopped talking to me like that, however."
He watched the anger grow across her face and wondered where the hell it had come from. He wasn't even sure what he'd said now. Was it something bad enough to merit this reaction from her? Had he spoken in a tone he wasn't aware of? He was completely confused by her reaction, so he did the only thing he could think to do, he retaliated. "I wasn't aware I was talking to you in particular way," he told her with just a touch too much sweetness to be an innocent remark.
"Well," she began, then paused long enough to get back to her feet. Her hands went to her hips and her eyes flashed a coppery, greenish tone that said he had done it now. "It's the voice you use when you're trying to manage me. I don't appreciate you handling me as if I were a child."
"I wasn't trying to manage you. I was trying to help," he quickly defended himself as he got out of bed as well. He need to level the playing field and he couldn't do that with her barking down at him like she was. "I thought I was being nice."
"You were being condescending and I don't like it. If I had wanted or needed your assistance, I would have asked for it."
He snorted as his hands found his own hips. "As if that would ever happen."
Another flash of lightning and loud roll of thunder sounded out and instead of scaring her, this time it seemed to just incite her anger. "What is that supposed to mean?"
"Kate, if you were on fire you wouldn't ask for someone's help to put you out," he quickly retorted.
"I ask for help when I need it. I just don't need it that often. I can get by fine on my own."
"If that was true, I wouldn't have a tone of voice for when I'm trying to manage you," he huffed.
"So now you admitting that you do try to handle me?" she demanded.
He sighed. "Only when I feel it's in your best interest."
Her hand gestures were increasing as her voice gained volume. "Who made it your job to decide what's in my best interest?" He watched her grind her teeth together before speaking again. "Why do you always have to push? Why can't you just leave things alone sometimes?"
"Why do you feel like you have to deal with every little thing on your own? Why can't you just be a part of this, of us like you said you wanted to be?"
"Okay, so because I'm not afraid of the storm like you think I should be, I'm not as committed to this relationship as you think I should be. Wow, that's a lot of thinking and assuming on your part."
"Why does everything have to be so hard with you? I was just trying to tell you that you didn't have to lay there afraid of the storm all by yourself."
"I'm so sorry, Rick. I don't mean to be so difficult," Her tone of voice said just the opposite was true.
He held his hands out before dropping them to his sides. How could he make her understand what he was trying to tell her? Normally they communicated so well, but the moment anger was introduced it all went out the window and neither of them could say the right thing. It was like they were speaking two entirely different languages when they were angry. He closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath, letting all the anger go as he exhaled. He really needed to make her understand this. It was important and he needed to make her believe it.
Crossing to the other side of the bed, he came to a stop right in front her, putting himself within her slapping reach but taking the chance anyway. "The point I'm trying to make is that you don't have to get by on your own. I'm here. I'm right here and I can guarantee there is nothing you could do or say that's going to make me see you as anything less than amazing."
Her face shifted and for an unsettling moment he couldn't read her. Then the thunder rang out again, rattling the windows this time in it's intensity and it sent her flying towards him. Her body connected to his with a force that nearly sent him tumbling but he quickly adjusted. She was practically trembling when his arms moved around her. He hadn't realized exactly how affected she was by the storm.
She buried her hand in his hair and used it to bring his lips down to hers. It was a heated, passionate kiss that left his knees weak and his heart pounding in his chest. The flash of lightning directly following the thunder found her wrapping her legs around his waist as he hoisted her into his arms.
His hands pulled at her t-shirt, sliding under it to cover the bare skin of her back. Her hands tugged at his hair and her heels dug into the backs on his thighs as their tongues continued to tangle together.
"Rick," she gasped breathlessly as he dropped his head to the bend of her neck and nipped at the creamy, ivory, skin there.
God, he loved her skin, so soft, so succulent. If she was the last thing in the world he tasted, he would die satisfied. If he could combine that with hearing her say his name like that, he could die ecstatic.
He nearly stumbled when she threw her head back, giving him better access to the column of her throat while at the same time pushing her body into his, flatting her breasts to his chest. The tiny pebbles of her nipples grazed over his peeks and he could barely keep them upright as his knees went weak all over again.
Deciding that his best option was getting them to the bed before he dropped her, he took the two staggering steps that got them there and placed her down on the edge of the mattress.
She pulled far enough away from him to rip the shirt from her body and send it flying somewhere behind them. He almost chuckled at her multitasking skills when he realized she was using her heels to slide his boxers from his hips at the same time.
God, he loved how talented she was. The intensity of her passion never failed to amaze him, neither did the fact that is was directed at him. He just couldn't believe how fucking lucky he was.
Once she was done removing both of their clothing with her usual expert ease, she scooted back on the bed and he had no choice but to follow her. Her legs were still wrapped around his waist and she used them to drag him along with her.
After settling himself over her, he gasped out loud when she crushed her hips upwards into his. "Kate," Her name fell from his lips on the tail of a groan when the warmth of her body ground against his hard length.
One of his hands found her breast and he flicked his thumb across her nipple causing her to tighten her hold on him further still. His lips found the hollow place right under her ear, her favorite spot and he spent a few rushed moments teasing it with his tongue before he gently nipped at the skin. It was more than she could take and before he realized what was happening, she shifted her hips slightly as she raised them into the air and impaled herself onto him.
He threw his head back and clenched his eyes closed as the sudden shock of being inside her hit him full force. She wasn't giving him much time to recover, already she was urging him to move with her as her heels dug into the backs of his thighs.
He could feel the tug of an orgasm building in him almost immediately and he knew if she didn't stop, or at least slow down, this whole thing would be over before it barely began.
"Kate," he whispered into her hair where his face was buried. "Wait," he panted. The hand on her breast moved to her hip and he tried to still her movements, to calm her. She was bucking under him, throwing her body back into his with a force that almost took his breath away. He was trying to keep up, but holding on to his crumbling composure was taking more effort than it normally did. He hadn't ever seen her like this before. She was wild, unhinged. Her nails were scraping down his back, biting into his flesh sharply. Her teeth grazed the skin on his shoulder hard enough he was pretty sure she was leaving a mark and her hips continued their unrelenting rhythm. His teeth jarred every time their bodies connected. A sheen of sweat covered them both, causing his hair to stick to his forehead.
Another particularly loud peal of thunder echoed throughout the room and her entire body jerked under his in response. Her inner muscles clamped down on him and he howled in answer.
It was a fight when he pulled away from her and leaned back, giving himself some room between them. He had to do something. He wasn't going to last much longer and he couldn't lose control without her coming along for the ride.
She whimpered when he removed himself from her and tried to grab at him to pull him back in, but he avoided her attempt and raised up to his knees.
"Come here," he hoarsely whispered, motioning for her to join him.
She shifted enough to get her knees under her. Once she was resting on her knees as well, he pulled her in for a moment to kiss her before turning her in his arms, bringing her back flush against his chest.
He quickly angled her body and plunged back inside her, this new position creating a whole new set of sensations. He reached around her and let his hand rest over her mound.
Her breath stuttered as his finger found her tight bundle of nerves and he began to make slow circles over it, matching the rhythm of his body moving inside her.
She was squirming and panting now. One of her hands found her own breast and he watched in stunned amazement as she pinched the nipple between her thumb and forefinger.
Then she toppled forward, using her hands to brace herself before she hit the bed. He grabbed hold of her hips to keep her in contact with him as she changed positions. Her hips continued to rock into his forcefully, so powerfully he felt like he was just barely holding on.
His fingers dug into her flesh leaving little red marks behind them. Neither of them bothered to try to stop the noises they were helpless to prevent and they filled the room, almost blocking out the sound of the storm raging outside the window.
"Kate," he ground out between clenched teeth. "I can't-" the rest of his sentence was cut off by a gasp as her inner muscles suddenly clamped down on him again and there was no stopping it now. It was too late to hold back any longer. The orgasm ripped through him so hard, stars exploded behind his eyes and the sound of rushing water filled his ears, muffling all the other noises around him.
He fell over on top of her as gently as he could. Her body absorbed his weight easily and she lowered them both to the bed.
Moments later they were still panting, though softly now, and his lips found the nape of her neck. He laid a kiss there before shifting to his side and finding a spot on the bed next to her instead of on top of her. She followed him, curling her body into his side and resting her head over his still thumping heart.
"Wow," she muttered.
"Ditto," he returned after swallowing to try to bring some more moisture into his dry mouth.
She chuckled quietly. "You know you were right. I don't like thunderstorms."
He nodded. "I know."
She grew still for a long time, so long that he thought she might have fallen asleep, but then she stirred again. Her voice was very quiet when she spoke and he knew she was about to say something that was either difficult for her to admit or emotionally more than she could handle. He tightened his arm around her waist offering her whatever form of support he could as she rallied herself.
"You know I'm not ever going to be that kind of woman," she began. "I'm never going to need you to ride in on your white horse and save me."
"I know," he answered again.
She pushed herself further into his side and raised her head to see his face. "But it is nice to know that if I ever should need a hero, I have one."
"I'll be glad to be your hero, anytime. But that wasn't what I was trying to do tonight. I wasn't trying to save you from the storm." He tried to explain. "It wasn't like that. I just wanted you to see that you don't have to face things that bother you alone anymore. I can't make you not afraid, but I can be here for you to help you deal. All you have to do is let me."
She gave him a sad smile. "It's not always that easy."
He shrugged. "Of course it is."
"You don't understand," she told him, averting her eyes from his.
He raised up and caught her cheek in is palm. Then he used it to pull her eyes back to his. "I love you. And there is nothing you are ever going to say that will change that. There is nothing you can tell me that will make me see you as weak or needy. I know better than that. I know who you are. You don't have to keep proving it to me." He shifted so he could see her better in the dim lighting. "I want to be the person that you don't have to pretend with. I want to be the one you can break down in front of. I want to be the one that holds you when it's all too much and you just need to cry it out." It looked like she was about to protest that, but he stopped her before she got the words out. "I know that you lock yourself in the bathroom after the really bad cases and it takes you twice as long in the bath. Do you really think I don't know what's going on in there?"
She rolled her eyes upwards as a smile spread across her face. "I thought I was being sneaky. I hoped you wouldn't notice."
He leaned in and kissed her with a matching smile of his own. "Oh, I noticed. I notice everything about you. Nothing slips past me."
"You are always so sure of yourself," she mused.
He let the smile fade from his lips and turned his expression serious once again. "But I want you to stop hiding in the bathroom. It doesn't have to be like that."
She sighed. "Please don't make this a big deal. It's just how I deal with all the stress."
"I know and I understand. What I don't get is why you feel like you need to hide that from me?"
"It just seems so girly and..." her voice trailed off as she struggled to find the right word.
He knew what she was trying to say. He was even pretty sure he knew the word she wanted to use, but he waited patiently for her to figure it out on her own.
"Alright, weak, I guess," she finally conceded.
"It's not weak, Kate. It's human and there is nothing wrong with that."
She pulled her face from his hand and looked away again. Then she took a deep breath and returned her gaze to his willingly this time. "I really do want this to work."
"I know that. I didn't mean to imply that you didn't. You asked me a while ago when it would be my turn to need something. Well, this is it. I need this. I need to feel like you can come to me with anything. I need to know that you trust me enough to let me in."
"Okay," she nodded. "I'll try."
"That's all I ask," he told her.
She rose from the bed and led him to the bathroom to wash away the sweat from their furious lovemaking session. As she glanced around the room, the scene of her 'crime' of withholding a piece of herself from him, she vowed silently that she would never cry alone, behind the locked door again.