"Edward, Roy, please, for the sake of my baby Elicia, stop fighting!" Both alchemists, who had been glaring at each other over the top of 'baby' Elicia, turned to look at Maes.
"It's not my fault the bas—jerk" He swiftly changed his direction, catching three very scary glares from the assembled. "started it!"
"Look here shrimp!" Roy growled back, crossing his arms across his chest to smirk angrily in his subordinate's face. "You started it with the whole water fiasco. Don't blame it on me when you can't handle it."
"ME! I only did that in self defense! It wasn't my fault that I was two hours late! I had to threaten the stupid guards to let me in the da—darned building!"
"Edward said a bad word daddy!" Elicia chimed in, waving her bread stick around like a baton. "He has to give me a quarter."
"I would gladly if I had my freaking wallet! And my watch back!"
"Give me my gloves back Fullmetal, and I'll give you a head start before I roast you and the wallet."
"Hah! No way in hell would I—"
"Three quarters!" Elicia said, whacking Edward in the head with her weapon of choice.
"Shrimp!"
"Fathead!"
"Half-pint!"
"Old man!"
"Pipsqueak!"
"Jack—"
"ENOUGH!" Hawkeye snapped, pulling her favorite gun out of her coat pocket. All men stopped talking, Maes edging towards his wife for protection. "Edward, the gloves, now." He opened his mouth to argue and she thumbed off the safety. Gloves were hastily thrown in her direction, amidst a pouting scowl.
"Thank you Hawkeye, I knew I could count on you." Roy purred, smirking at Edward. He reached for his gloves, fully intent on doing a shrimp barbeque.
"His wallet and watch sir." She pulled the gloves out of his reach, turning the weapon instead on him. She cocked the trigger, meeting her commander's glare with one of her own. "Now sir."
Gulping, Roy threw the items onto the table, watching as they were snatched up by Hughes. "Good, now apologize to each other."
"WHAT?!" Ed and Roy looked at each other in shock. "Ain't happening!" Edward spat, eyeing Hawkeye as she placed her gun back in its pocket. "Never!"
Maes pulled out a dollar from the confiscated wallet and passed it to his daughter. She was so cute with her little bread stick…
"OI! That's my money!" Edward yelped, but didn't move to take the dollar back from the little girl. He really didn't want to see her cry.
"When you apologize you can have the items back, Edward, Roy. Not until then." Gracia said, and then shook her head. "It isn't' that hard. You don't even have to mean it."
Edward and Roy sat in stubborn silence, fuming. One hand if they had their stuff back they could leave, therefore not having to put up with the other any longer. On the other they would actually have to admit defeat first, and that was not in any game plan that they were willing to play by.
"I am not saying 'sorry' to that egotistical butthead." Elicia held up one finger opening her mouth to demand her quarter, but was stopped as Edward jammed another dollar into it. "Not when he put an exploding pie in my desk drawer!"
"That wasn't as bad as the words 'Kiss my ass'" another dollar was passed to the little girl, who was grinning happily. She always had so much pocket money after visiting her favorite uncles. "written on my forehead in permanent marker. I had a meeting today!"
"Then don't fall asleep during a prank war idiot! And I only did that because you took my wallet away! You do realize I had to clean the stupid cafeteria to pay for my lunch!"
"You put water in my seat! It looked like I pissed my pants for the better part of the day! And since I didn't have my gloves I couldn't fix it!"
"Then you shouldn't tell people I'm a girl!"
"Only if you keep your fat mouth shut around the secretaries! At this rate I'm never getting another date again!"
"Dry ice in the toilet!"
"My favorite fountain pen is leaking ink all over my paperwork!"
"The guards enforcing a damned height requirement at the gates! At your orders!"
"I—didn't do that." Roy said, losing steam.
"Like hell! I asked who the idiot was that decided to give them a ruler(!) to measure me by and your name came up! And who the hell else would mess with me that way?" Edward snarled, making hand motions toward Elicia, as she was holding up several fingers. Two dollars, one from each, made it into her hands.
"Edward, I've kept my eye on him since he entered the building." Hawkeye put in, her eyebrows furrowed in thought. How Colonel Mustang had time to pull pranks with Edward and didn't have time to do his paperwork frustrated her to no end. "He never issued that order, or was anywhere near the gatehouse today, or any time this week. It must have been someone else."
Now this brought both to a halt. If they hadn't started the prank war, then who did? Not many people were stupid enough to piss both the Flame alchemist and the Fullmetal alchemist off, and at the same time. It must have been someone in the office, as they had used Mustang's name.
"Not Fuery, he's too—" Edward mumbled first, not really talking to anyone.
"—puppish. Breda's too—" Roy supplied, adding his own ideas to the mix.
"—stupid. Fallman—" Edward made a motion that should not be made in front of little girls and forked over another five dollars.
"—too strict. " Roy said, cutting him off before he could say the words 'stick up his ass.' "Hawkeye—" both looked over at the women, paled and turned back to each other. "Then who…"
They fell silent, predatory grins blooming across their faces. Maes felt a bolt of fear as they looked over at him, and he made a quick denial. "No! Not me!" This seemed unnecessary as Edward leaned over Elicia's head to whisper into Roy's ear. Roy listened for a moment, and then nodded eagerly.
"Truce." They declared, shaking hands and then standing up. "Our stuff?" Ed said with an unpleasant gleam in his eyes. No one should be on the receiving end of both an Elric and Mustang revenge.
"What are you up to?" Hawkeye asked, but since they had settled their differences in their own way, she was forced to hand over the gloves as Hughes passed over Edward's wallet.
"Well, I did steal Fullmetal's wallet and I would like to make it up to him." Roy said, sighing as he placed his white flint gloves into his pockets. "So I'm going to take him out to that new place, J'J's right?" He turned to Edward as he pulled on his overcoat.
"Right, I heard they have good food. You're buying right?"
"Seeing as I said I'm taking you there, yes."
"No need to get defensive Colonel Bastard." Edward waved goodbye to the table as he and Mustang walked toward the door. "We taking your car?"
"Do you have one?"
"Hardy har." The rest of the conversation was lost to the onlookers as the pair left the restaurant, but a small alchemist did a little dance outside in anger at a comment from the brunette.
"Hey, isn't that were Havoc's taking his date?" Hughes mused, tapping on long finger on his chin as he looked over at the exasperated Lt.
"Yes, yes it is."
"Do you think we should warn him?"
"No, no we shouldn't."
...
"You know the plan?"
"Yes bastard, for the fiftieth time, yes!" Edward growled, taking off his red coat and folding it across the back of his chair. "You got your part down right?"
"Hmm, I think separate tables might be a good idea."
"Forget it; we were lucky enough to get this one. And you're out of sight from him if you don't attract attention to us." Edward rolled his shoulders, and then pulled his braid over his shoulder to glare at it. "Up or down you think?"
"Leave it, it makes you look younger." Roy said, taking a sip of his water as he scanned the restaurant. "There." He motioned, seeing that Havoc's back was too them but he could make out the girl's face easily. "She is quiet pretty. I don't think this is an adequate revenge if I would be inclined to do it anyway."
"We are blackmailing him, not stealing his date." Edward warned, glaring at the older man. It would be his luck that this…amateur ruined a perfectly good plan. "I wish Al were here." Al was much better at playing the distraction, even if he had to be forced to do so or duped.
"Yes, but since his off in Rush Valley, it looks like your left with me." Roy said, grinning as he thought of the cute little boy who had stumbled all over himself as he asked his older brother on dating advice. "I can't seem to remember the girl's name."
"Look, don't get distracted." Edward snapped, thinking about the same instance where Roy had intervened and helped them both out. Winry had been very appreciative of them impromptu date. Maybe he should take his advice more often…he was not saying that aloud.
"I'm your waitress tonight!" An overly cheery voice broke the soon to be argument, thoughtlessly saving a few hundred dollars worth of damage. "My name is Sally, and if you need anything at all, just let me know. What would you like to drink?" The little red head was practically bouncing up and down, her little red spikes flapping from side to side as she whipped her head around to attempt to look at the two of them at once. At 'anything' she had craned forward on her toes and jabbed her pen into the air, demonstrating how important her job was.
"Water." Both alchemists blurted, trying to keep their eyes of her. They would not laugh…it was mean and undignified and it would totally blow their cover. If she just didn't have those huge dangling pink earrings…they clashed horribly with her hair. Don't look…
"Okie dokie! I'll be back in a flash!" Twirling, she sprinted away, nearly taking out a busboy in the process.
Snickers erupted, and Edward had to do a deep breathing exercise that his teacher had instilled in him at an early age to regain focus. "Ok." This sent a fresh wave of snickers and it wasn't until they had bruised each other's shins with 'shut up' kicks did they finally calm down.
"Major Elric, good luck." Mustang cackled, giving the small blonde a wave. "Do not flatter in the face of ridicule!"
"Thank you o' Colonel Bastard! I shall try my hardest." Edward said wryly, leaving the table to weave through the dinning area. Ahead lay his target, so unaware of the danger that was stalking him. Such an innocent little lamb.
Pitching his voice high and into 'preteen' mode that had gotten him out of a lot of trouble in the past years, Edward threw his arms into the air and gave a loud, exasperated sigh of relief. "Dad! I've been looking everywhere for you!" He called, gaining the eyes of nearly everyone in the restaurant. Havoc's back stiffened, and the arm that had reached out to grasp the wine bottle chilling in the bucket at the table side stilled, and the hand made a helpless little clutching motion.
Striding forward, and glad that he had changed from his normal red and black to the jeans and red t-shirt that had been a gift from Gracia, Edward fell into the third, unused seat that lay between the couple.
The only regrets he had at this point being for the innocent, unaware girl that was staring at him. These did nothing to still his actions and were soon forgotten.
"E-Ed?" Jean Havoc mumbled, eyes wide with shock. "What are y-you doing here?"
"Me? Well, a few different things, but mostly seeing my old man." He turned to the girl, jamming a thumb in Havoc's direction. "He stuck me up for money and I need it back. Maybe a pretty face like yours can convince him to fork it over?" If Winry were here he'd have a wrench to the head. Mustang on the other hand, would be applauding his efforts.
"I didn't know you had a son…" The girl said, turning confused eyes on Havoc.
"I don't, it's just Ed here, he likes to play jokes…"
"Jokes you say? No, that would be much too stupid and painful for me to play pranks on other people that way." Edward fluttered his eyes back in Havoc's direction, taking in the 'Oh shit, I'm going to die soon' look that he had adopted.
"Excuse me Holly, I need to talk to my co-worker for a moment." He said to his date, who glared at him in response. "I'm sure this is just another bid for attention."
Taking his arm, Havoc yanked Edward from the table to drag him from the dinning room into the bathroom hallway. "Look—I know what I did was really stupid but if you give me a chance to explain, after my date, I'll be happy to. Really!"
Edward placed a finger on his chin, looking the taller (damn you all!) blonde up and down as if testing his sincerity. After several moments, he grinned and said sweetly. "You shouldn't leave your dates alone Havoc, wild horses and all that might drag them away."
Havoc paled. The Colonel was here?! Why were they here?! Bolting back to the room, he noticed that a short, red haired chick was bending down to talk with Holly, placing a glass of deep red wine, almost rich purple, beside her. Tearing his way over to the table he had left, he caught the words "—just wanted to have me give this to you. No name, just stated someone as beautiful as you shouldn't be alone." The red head chirped, twirled around, and left in an explosion of his night.
Resisting the urge to scream, Havoc dropped back into his chair, eyes bugging and hyperventilating in short, sweet gasps. "Are you ok Jean?" Holly asked, leaning forward to study him, cup of wine forgotten.
"Yes." He croaked, wondering what the two alchemists had up there sleeves yet. "Yes, I'm fine."
"Are you sure? You're pale." Holly pressed, but was soon distracted by something behind him. She watched for a moment or two, and then giggled shamelessly.
"What?" He made to turn around but Holly shook her head.
"Don't!" She giggled. "It's just this really hot guy is waving at me. He's got a rose and—oh, he's got a date." She pouted with obvious disappointment.
The Colonel had arrived. Frantic, Havoc snatched up his white napkin and began to wave it under the table, giving his enemy the white flag. If they were behind him then they could see his surrender, but Holly might remain clueless yet.
Chuckling nervously, Havoc turned the conversation away from hot dates and more onto Holly's day. He was sure that if they left him alone, he was unwilling to play games with them, he would have to pay for it later.
...
In the end, Havoc had to pay for both his date and Roy and Edward's meal. He also had to spend the next week doing their paperwork that had fallen behind on that fateful day. And last but not least, he was their little gofer for the next month.
"If you hadn't surrendered so soon we could have let you of easier," Edward said happily, reaching across the coffee table to grab his drink. Havoc had spent the last week getting the drinks down to a science. Edward liked his a certain way from a certain café at a very specific temperature. Roy liked his from another café and in a much more complicated way. If he got it wrong, they made him get another, with his own money. They only paid for the first one. "We wanted to have our fun."
"Fun?! The only reason I started the prank war was to keep you two amused! If you were fighting with each other the Colonel wouldn't steal my date!"
"So, how was Holly?" Edward asked the older alchemist, who was reading over a report at his desk across the room from the pair.
"Eh, too talkative. She reminded me of that red-head at the restaurant."
"She drove Winry mad when I took her there. And she kept chirping at me because my last date had been much better looking." His grin soured as he remembered the girl's insinuation. "I think Havoc earned another week for me being called gay in front of my girlfriend."
Mustang shrugged, picking up his coffee cup by feel. "Pop the question yet?"
Edward groaned, falling back in his seat as Havoc quickly left the room to avoid cross fire. "No, I can't for another month or so. Al already asked Paninya, so I have to wait to surprise Winry."
"Don't wait too long, she'll get pissed because she'll think you're not willing to commit." Mustang drawled, signing the paper before continuing onto another.
"I know, but right now she and Paninya are so focused on Paninya's wedding that I've become a second thought."
"I doubt it." Mustang kept himself entertained with jokes, and as Fullmetal fell into a depressed air, he knew one was needed. "I expect that bigger things have been on her mind as of late, letting the little things slip out."
The insinuation did not miss the target as he watched the anger and fire return to his youngest friend. "Who are you calling so small that he can't even entertain a thought much less occupy them?!!!"
A heated discussion started up, but Hawkeye didn't miss the unspoken words that occupied the office.