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PtQ in a Nutshell
The Condensed
Version for Busy Witches
by Minerva McTabby
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CHAPTER 21
[Two young witches wander out of the library...]
Herm: Care for some girl talk?
Blaise: Fine. Just don't mention Quidditch or the OWLs.
Herm: Hmmm. Christianity versus the old religion?
Blaise: Followed by some strega, moira, and Voldie?
Herm: Excellent! So feminist polytheism is all political?
Blaise: Of course. Plus it burns calories, helps prevent cavities, and keeps your skin clear too.
[Later, as Blaise relaxes with a bit of light reading...]
Draco: Helloooo, Zabini! Permit me to soften you up with a quick Crossover Jinx. Now, how about a revolting experience?
Blaise: Malfoy. I thought I recognized your unique stench. Your mother is a hamster - and that Jinx is *contagious*, you idiot!
Draco: I'll get you, my pretty - and your little teddy bear, too!
Blaise: Oh, fiddle-dee-dee! I'm strega!
Draco: [*grabbing wand*] And I am Draco Malfoy of Evil!Paradigm. Resistance is futile! You will be assimilated.
Blaise: [*gasp*] But that trick never works! I'm strega... Doh!
Crabbe&Goyle: Who's on first?
Voiceover: Use the Force, Blaise.
Blaise: Make it so! [*wandless Stupefy*]
[As three bodies fall to the floor, Blaise rushes to find some place that's dark, private, and terribly evocative for Snape...]
Myrtle: I was strega too, you know.
Blaise: Eat my shorts.
Myrtle: I was! And look how much help that turned out to be, when a bloody great basilisk caught me in mid-pee. [*sob*]
Blaise: Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn. [*sob*]
Herm: Blaise, are you all right?
Blaise: NO!!! I'm channelling random crossovers and having Issues!
Herm: Oh - I'd better get Counselor Troi... I mean, Professor Snape.
Snape: What's the problem, flashback? I mean, cousin.
Blaise: Well, I was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens - no, no, STOP that! Cousin Severus - Malfoy attacked me!
Snape: Would you prefer your revenge shaken or stirred? I'll go contact his father and a couple of OCs who might be helpful.
Herm: And I'll tell you a very special story - it's got fighting, torture, revenge, chess, monsters, hands, escapes, true love, miracles...
Blaise: Fasten your seatbelts - it's going to be a bumpy ride.
[With apologies to Star Trek, Star Wars, All About Eve, The Simpsons, The Nanny, The Princess Bride, James Bond, Gone With the Wind, Wizard of Oz, Rocky and Bullwinkle, Abbott & Costello, and Monty Python.]