1Chapter 3: Supper Time

"Y'know," said Matthias. "Wouldn't it be ironic if a hare came in just now and ate all our food?"

"Yes, that would be ironic," agreed Martin.

Just then a hare came in. With him was a rabbit.

The rabbit turned to the hare and said, "Hey Mr. Hare. Have you ever been mistaken for a rabbit?"

The hare turned and looked at the rabbit with narrowed eyes and a slightly open mouth. Then he said in a low, even voice, "No." He raised his eyebrows. "Have you?"

The others looked at the hare and rabbit, before looking at each other and nodding in solemn agreement. They tackled the hare and the rabbit, and, putting them in heavy chains, threw them out into the rain, where the wind swept them both up and returned them back to their respectable homes.

"Hey!" said Klitch. "Would the wind do that to us if we went out?"

"No," said the author in a flat voice.

"Hmph!" said Klitch.

"Y'know," said Matthias. "Dann and Song weren't mentioned very much in the last chapter, were they?"

"So?" said the author.

"So?!" cried the two squirrels in question. "We're the stars of the show!"

"No you're not," said the author. "You guys are just little additives, is all."

"Shut up."

"Welp," said the author, ignoring them. "Let's get started on dinner, eh?"

They all sat on rickety chairs at a very very very very long table.

"Hey," said Kurda as they all sat down. "Where's tall, dark, and handsome, with creepy, mesmerizing eyes?"

"He's right there, stupid," scoffed Triss, pointing at Veil.

"No, no," said Kurda impatiently. "I mean the other tall, dark, handsome guy with creepy, mesmerizing eyes."

"Klitch?"

"No."

"Ferahgo?"

"No."

"Swartt?"

"No!"

"Martin?"

"No!"

"Matthias?"

"No!"

"Mattemeo?"

"No!"

"Deyna?"

"No!"

"Sunflash?"

"No!"

"Mokkan?"

"No!"

"Gelltor?"

"No!"

"Ascord?"

"NO!"

"Who?"

"UBLAZ! DUH."

"Oh. Whoops."

"I called him a few minutes ago," said Bluefen.

"Klitch, go and get Mad Eyes," Ferahgo ordered.

"Get out of here, old man; you go!" protested Klitch. He wasn't about to go poking around in some creepy, haunted mansion.

"I can't," said Ferahgo pompously. "I'm too valuable!"

"Yeah, right," said Mariel sarcastically, who was still mad at him for thinking that she was a male.

"Look, I said I was sorry--" began Ferahgo heatedly.

"No you didn't!" Mariel interrupted.

"Yes I did!"

"No you didn't!"

"Yes I did!"

"No you didn't!"

"Yes I did!"

"No you didn't! Mr. Author!" she called.

"Ferahgo, you never apologized," said the author lazily.

"Wha-I did too!"

Swartt picked up a bowl and threw it at the weasel assassin's head. "No you didn't! Now sit still and stop arguing with the narrator! It never pays!"

"So, are we gonna eat or not?" asked Matthias, who looking longingly at the huge kettle of steaming vegetable soup.

"Not until Klitch goes and gets Ublaz!" snapped the author.

"Me? Why me?!" whined Klitch.

"Cuz you're the funny one. Now go!"

Scowling, the young weasel got up and called out, "Oh Ublaz!"

"Go to the basement and get him!"

Klitch walked over to the door. "OH UBLAZ!"

"GET HIM!!!" everybeast hollered.

That hurried Klitch up!

. . . Klitch stood on the basement stairs, looking down into the endless void of darkness. It was very, very quiet. Not a sound could be heard down there. There was not one drop of light coming from the blackness. If Ublaz was down there, his light was out and he was standing very still, holding his breath.

"Oh Ublaz," Klitch whispered, half-hoping that Ublaz would answer, while the rest of him hoped that nothing would answer at all.

"Hey, Ublaz, dinner's ready!"

Nothing.

Klitch crept down the stairs a little bit farther.

"Oh Uuuuuuuuublaz--" Klitch turned and raced back up the stairs, not noticing Ublaz's flashlight that was at the base of the stairs. . . .

"I-I called him," stammered Klitch to the others. "H-he didn't answer!"

Silence. Dead silence.

"Maybe he isn't hungry," suggested Cornflower softly.

Bluefen sighed and smiled. "Well, eat up. Before it gets cold."

Everybeast automatically took up their spoons and solemnly ate their soup. Then they all set down their spoons and pushed their bowls away.

"Man," said Dandin. "Who made this soup? Mariel? Ugh."

"What? You mean you don't like my cooking?" demanded Mariel, swinging her Gullwhacker.

"Why do you think I always lose so much weight when we go traveling together?"

"Oooooooo, buuuuuuuuuuuurn!" said Gonff.

Mariel swung her Gullwhacker at Gonff's head. The mousethief went head over tail into a pile of furniture.

"AAAUUUGGGHHH!!!"

Everybeast jumped. "WHAT?! WHO, WHAT, WHERE, WHENWHYHOW?!"

"Guys, it's. . . .!" was all Gonff said. Then he was thrown back at the table out of the pile of furniture.

Following the mousethief was another ghost.

"HEY!" objected Klitch. "I thought Martin released them!"

"He only released that one that led you all to the kitchen," explained the author. He turned to the ghost, "Well, go on with what yer gonna do."

The ghost solemnly put down a stereo and pressed a button.

The stereo started playing the reader's least favorite Backstreet Boys song.

"You must all dance to this music," explained the ghost in a raspy voice. "If not, it will never end."

Everybeast gasped and exchanged anxious glances. Instead of boring the reader with them deciding whether or not to dance, the author decided to just jump ahead to them dancing. (Well of course they danced, what'd you expect?)

"You can either dance solo or with partners," rasped the ghost guy before fading away.

Nightshade turned to Slagar with a smile. "Would you like to dance?"

"No."

"Maybe I didn't make myself clear enough," said Nightshade through gritted teeth. "I said, 'Would you like to dance?' "

Slagar stared at her and stated rather simply, "No."

Ascord offered his arm to Nightshade. "Shall we dance?"

The vixen seer looked at him with an "are you kidding" look on her face. Then she said, "Yeah, alright."

Kurda smiled at Veil. "Would you like to dance?"

Veil returned her smile. "Yes I would."

Kurda stood up.

"I must learn sometime," said Veil.

Kurda sat down.

"I know how to dance," offered Klitch, eagerly leaning forward.

"That's nice," said the princess airily.

Klitch glared at Veil. Then he looked hopefully at Triss.

"Hey, Triss--"

"Not a chance in Dark Forest," growled Triss, who, like Kurda, had been hoping to dance with Veil; and no other creature would satisfy her. Except maybe Ublaz, but he wasn't here.

Cluny's long tail whipped out and tried to grab Cornflower, but she dodged by grabbing her reluctant husband's hand and dragging him out to the dance floor. So Cluny decided to dance by himself.

And he was very, very bad.

Everybeast shuddered at the sight of the him.

And so, partners were chosen, though there were some, like Cluny and Slagar and Veil and Kurda and Triss, who decided to just simply dance solo.

Rose dragged a very reluctant Martin out onto the dance floor and began to dance to the music in a very nice way.

Dandin smiled at Mariel. "May I have this dance?"

Mariel gave him a look that would have put out the sun. "No."

Dandin looked as though he were about to cry like a baby.

Gonff leaped over to Bryony and gallantly offered her his arm. The mousemaid giggled and took it.

Gonff began to swirl his great granddaughter around the floor, around and around, faster and faster, until he accidentally let her drop.

Bryony fell in a heap on the floor. Gonff leaped like a ballerina in the opposite direction, and then turned back to her. Bryony arched an eyebrow at the sight of her plump grandfather prancing around the floor.

"HEY!" Gonff objected. "Don't use the word plump! It's my least favorite word!"

Fine. Chubby.

"I can work with that."

Gonff began to leap toward Bryony, but got his foot caught in a bucket of water.

Oops.

"Why are you saying oops?" asked Gonff. "I'm the one who put my foot in the bucket."

The author sighed. "Just get on with the story, will ya?"

Gonff took his footpaw out and was about to walk over to Bryony when he got his other foot caught in the bucket.

After he was able to get away from the bucket, the mousethief leaped into the air and tried to valiantly slide to a halt; but he ended up slipping in a small pool of rain water.

Everybeast turned to stare.

Bryony sighed, shook her head, and crawled over to her grandpa to help him up. Somehow Gonff managed to trip them both up and Bryony ended up getting her rear stuck in the bucket.

Gonff tried to pull the bucket off but it was stuck.

Then the mousethief began to tap the bucket like a drum, but Bryony's tail ended up whacking him in the face.

"Here, let me help," said Sunflash coming over. He pulled the bucket off of Bryony's rear with a loud pop. Unfortunately the water from inside spilled as Sunflash pulled the bucket off, and Bryony got soaked.

"Oh, sorry," said Sunflash, taking out a towel from who-know's-where and handing it to her.

"My dress is ruined!" whined Bryony, plucking at her sopping attire.

"No, you look pretty like that," said Klitch, smiling. The young weasel turned to Veil. "Don't you think she looks pretty like that?"

"Grrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaa!" Veil screamed, tackling Klitch to the ground.

The music stopped as the two young vermin rolled around on the ground, making the same shrieking noises as leopards.

Everyone–

"That's everybeast, stupid!" Dandin snapped.

Okay, fine. Everybeast else began jumping up and down and making monkey sounds.

Swartt and Ferahgo circled their sons, shouting out advice and commands and warnings and encouragement.

"Get him from behind, Veil!" screamed Swartt.

"Don't let the six-clawed freak get the better of ya, son!" roared Ferahgo.

"Show 'im what yer made of, boy!"

"Use yer tail! Use yer tail!"

"Bash 'im upside the head!"

"Watch out for his sixclaw!"

"Use yer left! Yer right! Left right left!"

"Boys! Boys!" screamed Bryony. "Stop fighting over me!"

She grabbed a pitcher of water and doused the two.

No impact.

She threw the pitcher itself on their heads.

No impact.

She grabbed a broom and began to poke them.

No impact.

"You've got 'im! You've got 'im!" shrieked Swartt gleefully. "In your blue-eyed face, Ferahgo!"

"No, no!" squealed Ferahgo. "Klitch, get yourself out of that headlock! Stop trying to break free! Attack! Hit him! Bite him! Pull his headfur! Do something! Make me look good, will ya?"

Klitch reached up and began yanking on Veil's ears. Now as we all know, Veil hates it when people yank his ears.

He released Klitch, but the young weasel soon regretted it.

Veil was on top of Klitch, pummeling him into oblivion. However, there was this one time that Veil missed Klitch's head and ended up punching the floor. And it hurt.

"Ow!"

Klitch seized the opportunity. He punched Veil in the face and was soon on top of the young ferret.

Ferahgo went, "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssss!!!"

Swartt went, "Noooooooooooooooooooo!!!"

Veil jumped up, much to Klitch's surprise, and locked his paws around the weasel's skinny shoulders. Klitch did the same, and soon the two young vermin were rolling around on the floor.

Just then, a mud-hole appeared out of nowhere, and the two young vermin had started rolling towards it.

Everybeast began to scream with either glee or fright.

Klitch and Veil were almost about to roll into the mud, then they began to roll back.

Everybeast went, "Awwwwwwwwwww."

Then they cheered again when the two started to roll to it again.

They pouted when they rolled away again.

Then they cheered again when the two started to roll to it again.

They pouted when they rolled away again.

As Veil and Klitch began to roll toward the mudhole again, Mattemeo decided to help them out a bit. He walked over, and gave them a slight nudge with his footpaw.

Everybeast (except Bluefen and Bryony) cheered as they watched Veil and Klitch (now covered in mud) duked it out.

"Blue-feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen," whined Bryony. "Do something! Make them stop!"

Bluefen calmly walked into the mud where her son and Klitch were ripping each other apart. Then she serenely seized their ears and twisted.

"OW! Ow, ow, owowowowowowowow, and double-ow!"

Carefully, Bluefen separated the two and held them apart. "Now, I will let go when you solve your problems with words," she told them in a motherly voice.

"Fine!" snapped Veil. "Klitch, keep your filthy little paws off of Bryony, OK?"

"Fine!" snapped Klitch.

"Fine!"

"There!" said Bluefen, releasing them.

"Blue-feeeeeeeeeeeeeen," whined Swartt and Ferahgo. "Why'd you do that?"

"Dinner's getting cold," she told them coldly. "Oh, yes, and Mr. Author?"

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees?"

"Could you, um?" she gestured at her son and Klitch, who were now covered in mud.

"Oh sure, no problem."

Veil and Klitch were suddenly in a wooden barrel tub that was filled with mountains of suds. Scrub brushes and soap bars flew about, scrubbing mercilessly at the two whining young vermin.

"Aauugghh!" screamed Klitch as he tried vainly to hit away one of the brushes.

"Noooooo!" yelled Veil as a soap bar lathered a lot of suds on him.

A whole bunch of soap suds surrounded the two young vermin, preventing any of the others to see them. But they could hear their screams of agony.

"AAAAUUUUGGGGHHHH!!!!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

"Hey!" said Martin. "Rose and Bryony were in the mud earlier; how come they don't need a wash?"

"Shut up, Marty," said the author.

"Hey– "

"SHUT UP!!!"

The suds cleared, to reveal Klitch and Veil being vigorously dried by floating towels. Soon they were both very clean and smelled like little flowers.

"HEY!" protested the two young vermin.

"Okay, fine," said the author. "You don't smell like flowers, you smell clean, okay?"

"Okay," said the two young vermin.

And their clothes were clean too. Veil was wearing his black tunic while Klitch was wearing his yellow tunic. However, everybeast noticed that, while Veil's tunic appeared the same as before, Klitch's tunic suddenly looked a lot less yellow, now.

"You know," said Ferahgo to his son. "If you just washed yer clothes out more often, they wouldn't get all yellow like that."

Silence. Then,

"AH HAAAAAAAA, AH HAHAHA! AH HA, DAH, HAHAHAHA!"

Klitch was glaring daggers at his father.

"Now come along, children," said Bluefen as she directed the two back to their seats. "Dinners getting cold."

"I'm not eating any of that!" said Matthias, eyeing Mariel's soup as if it were some kind of dangerous poison, which, let's face it, almost was.

"HEY!" protested Mariel.

"Mariel, you're a bad cook," said the author. "Take it like a man, ok?"

"Why you little--!" growled Mariel.

"Language, young lady," said the author.

"#$&#$&#$&#$&#$&!!!!!!" screamed Mariel.

The entire room gasped.

"What'd we all gasp for?" asked Mattemeo. "All she said was the Dollar sign, the Number sign, the Percent sign, the And sign, and all the other little weird signs that I forgot the technical terms for!"

"Because the author doesn't like to use swear words," said Predak.

"Yeah, right," said Klitch sarcastically, who was angry at the author for doing all those torturous things to him. "I betcha he just doesn't know any."

"I DO TOO, KLITCH!!!" boomed the author.

"Suuuuuuuuuuure you do," said Klitch.

"OH, BE QUIET. I NEVER WANTED YOU IN THIS STORY IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!"

"Temper, temper," said Klitch.

"SHUT UP!!!"

"No, you shut up!"

"NO, YOU SHUT UP!!!"

"Why don't you make me?!"

"OKAY!!!"

A large piece of duct tape appeared on Klitch's mouth. On the tape was a sign that said "Do Not Remove."

Klitch was enraged, and tried to remove the tape, but it was so stuck to his mouth that his lips actually stretched three feet when the young weasel tried to rip it off.

"MMMFF! RRUGGLE! MMMMMMMRRRRRFFFFFFF!!!" said Klitch.

"C'mon son," said Ferahgo reassuringly, patting his son on the back. "It's not that bad. I should've thought of that years ago!"

Klitch couldn't talk but he could glare. So he glared at Ferhago for three full minutes.

"C'mon, everyone, me and the creatures that can actually cook," Bluefen said, glaring at Mariel, "made some extra food. Let's eat."

Mariel grumbled something under her breath.

"What was that?" said Bluefen, eyeing the fuming mousemaid.

"YOU COULDN'T COOK EVEN IF YOUR LIFE DEPENDED ON IT!!!"

"THAT'S IT!" Bluefen grabbed a ladle and went after Mariel.

Well, why don't we just skip that part and go right to where they all start eating. The author was gracious enough to remove the tape from Klitch's mouth so that he could enjoy Bluefen's heavenly cooking.

Mariel snorted, then went back to nursing her black eye.

Slagar removed his mask so that he could eat better.

Everybeast gasped.

Slagar looked up. "What?" he snapped.

"Slag, matey," said Gonff. "You know how people say to Darth Vader, 'Dude, keep your mask on? Keep your mask on!'?"

"Yeah?"

"You don't get it, do you?"

"YES I DO!" Slagar roared, standing up. "You all think I'm ugly! No one likes me! Everyone hates me! I've never had a real friend! I've never had any fake friends!"

Well, Slagar went on for a couple of hours.

"I've never been loved!" screamed the fox, thus proving that he had the makings of being one of those people who do nothing except make big long speeches. "Not even by my own mother! I'm not loved! I'll never be loved!"

After a few more hours of ranting and raving, the fox broke down and began crying like a baby.

Mattemeo stood up, went straight over to the bawling fox, and did the unthinkable.

"Slag," he said softly, then he gave him a great big hug.

Everybeast even Slagar (except Mattemeo) gasped.

Matthias approached the two cautiously.

"Okay, son," he said, gently pealing Mattemeo from Slagar. "You showed the nice fox that he's loved and all, but why don't you save that for after dinner?"

"Well!" said Slagar, sitting back down cheerfully. "Now, how about we get some eats?"

Everybeast enjoyed Bluefen's roast fish, Cornflower's salad, Sunflash's cake, Bryony's bread, Rose's pie, and Veil's honeyed fruit.

"Hey," said Swartt to Veil. "Where'd you learn how to cook?"

"Friar Bunfold," said Veil with a childish smile.

"I thought you guys hated each other."

"That's right," said Veil, and then added in a smug tone, "what you think. Heeheehee!"

Swartt's eyes widened and he backed away.

"Oh, Veil, here," said Bluefen, holding her plate out to her son. "Have my fish."

"I wish you wouldn't do that, mom," said Veil.

"Do what, honey?"

"You're always up and about, working your little paws down to bone, putting others before you, never once thinking of yourself, always letting yourself be brushed aside by your husband and father, always serving other people, giving up your food so that they can get fatter! Mom, you don't deserve that! You deserve to have a whole fish to yourself! IN FACT, YOU HAVE EVEN MORE RIGHT TO HAVE A WHOLE FISH TO YOURSELF! SO PLEASE, MOM, PLEASE, JUST FOR ONE MOMENT, BE SELFISH AND HAVE A WHOLE FISH!!"

"Oooh, Veily, that's so sweet," said Bluefen, smiling. "Here, have my dessert."

"Okay."

Cornflower frowned at her own son. "Now how come you're not more like Veil Sixclaw?"

"I'm just not, OKAY?!"

"Don't talk to your mother that way," said Matthias.

Mattemeo grumbled, but said nothing.

"I did?" asked Mattemeo.

"Did what?" asked Matthias.

"No, I mean the author. He said that I said 'Nothing.'"

"No, I didn't!" said the author.

"Yes, you did!"

"No, I didn't!"

"Did too!"

"Didn't!"

"Did!"

"Didn't!"

"Did!"

"Didn't!"

"Didn't!" said Mattemeo.

"You are absolutely right, Mattemeo," said the author.

Mattemeo grumbled yet again.

The author, realizing that Matti felt like that Veil was getting more love from his parents than he was, decided to show the poor young mouse that it wasn't all fun and games for Veil.

Bluefen suddenly turned to her son with a stern expression. "You're using the wrong fork for your salad."

"Mom. . . ." said Veil.

"Get your elbow off the table," said Swartt, nudging his son's elbow off with his own.

"Dad. . . ." said Veil.

"You really should have more fish," said Bryony, who began to pile on more fish on the poor ferret's plate.

"Bryony. . . ." said Veil.

"Tie your napkin around your neck, you'll get less food on your shirt," said Nightshade as she began to tie his napkin around his neck like a bib.

"Nightshade. . . ." said Veil.

"No pie for you until you finish your salad," said Bluefen.

"Stop slouching. Sit up straight," ordered Swartt.

"You don't need some more bread," cautioned Bryony.

"Eat your fish, it's good protein," said Nightshade.

"Here, have some pie with that fish," said Bluefen as she put some more pie on his plate, even though she told him that he couldn't have any before.

"Your fish is getting mixed up with your fruit!" complained Swartt, even though it was on his son's plate and not his own.

"You should have remembered to bring more cheese," said Bryony, forgetting that the cheese was now trapped in the limo in a very deep mudhole.

"Wipe your mouth, you've got fish scales all over it," ordered Nightshade as she herself reached over and wiped his mouth for him.

"Come on, now, finish up that salad," warned Bluefen.

"Those honeyed fruits are going to go right to your gut," cautioned Swartt.

"Here, have some more bread," said Bryony, who had only a few minutes ago told Veil that he shouldn't have any.

"Not so much butter, think of the calories," cautioned Nightshade.

"Why don't you have some more pie?" asked Bluefen in a concerned voice.

"You're developing very bad posture, sitting like that," said Swartt.

"DAD!!!" roared Veil, standing up and knocking his seat over.

"I win," said Swartt, smiling smugly at Bluefen and Bryony and Nightshade.

"That's because he never loved you to begin with," spat Bryony.

"Ah! That feels much better," said Mattemeo, who was now happy for the family he had.

"Uh, excuse me, Mr. Author?" asked Gonff.

"Yes?"

"What's this supposed to do?" The mousethief held up a remote control.

"Where'd you get that?" cried Martin.

"Mm-um-nnn," said Gonff, like Nelson (don't own the Simpsons). "So, Author guy, what's it do, eh?"

"Point it at Badrang and press the red button," said the author.

"Noooooo!" yelled Badrang as he tried to escape.

Gonff pointed the control at the stoat and pressed the red button.

Suddenly Badrang leapt over in front of the table onto a stage that appeared out of nowhere and began to dance. And from out of nowhere, this strange music began to play.

"This music sounds familiar," said Predak. Her sisters agreed with her.

"No we didn't!" said Vannan.

There would have been an argument if Badrang hadn't started singing.

"Oh Martin baby. . . ."

"What did you call me?" growled Martin, getting up.

"I shouldn't have let you liiiiive. . . ."

"Yeah, that's right," said Martin, rubbing his fist. "Then I wouldn've had to kill you."

"I should have killed you right on the, the spot!

Everything was goin' good for me-ee-ee-ee-ee!

For ME-EE-EE-EE!

But then you started killin' me-ee-ee!

KILLIN' ME!

But I still believe,

STILL BELIEEEVE!!!

That I could beat you, beat you, Martin,

If you would just,

Give me some tii-ii-ii-ii-eeeeeeee–yyyyyiiiiiiiiimmmmmeeeee.

To fight you Martin one more time!"

"Auggh!" cried Vannan, diving under the table. "A Britney Spears song parody! Evil! Evil! Evilevilevilevilevil eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeevil!"

"And it's really bad," said Ziral.

"That's the worst song parody of all time," breathed Matthias, shaking his head.

"Watch out," said the author evilly. "It's gonna get a whooooooooole lot worse. Heeheehee!"