There was a birthday party for Miral in the mess hall that evening. Kathryn arrived reluctantly. She had spent the entire day isolated in her ready room, but she knew she needed to rejoin life on Voyager. The sooner she went along with this, the sooner Q would bring an end to it. The party had already begun and Kathryn lingered at the doors, observing the party goers. The guest of honor was cramming fistfuls of Jimbalian fudge cake into her mouth. There were six other children present. The chubby baby with Chakotay's dimples sat in a highchair next to Miral poking at his cake with a tiny fork. His name was Kolopak Edward Janeway and he was fourteen months old. The six year-old girl with long black hair who was loudly clamoring at Chakotay for ice cream was named Amelia Phoebe Janeway. Kathryn had examined the crew roster carefully. She had learned about all of the children aboard Voyager and about the six former Borg drones who had joined Voyager six months ago. She had also found that Joe Carey and Lindsay Ballard were still alive and well in this timeline. She had stared at their names for a long time before moving onto the logs.
The black-haired girl had been conceived on New Earth. Kathryn had spent the day cataloging the differences between the two timelines. Some incidents were common to both, such as the Unimatrix Zero mission and the ability to contact Starfleet through the Midas Array. The girl's existence was the first major difference, but the main divergence had occurred almost three years ago. Voyager was still so far from Earth because the Kathryn in this timeline hadn't gone through with the plan to steal a Borg transwarp coil. The stolen coil had allowed them to travel twenty thousand light years before it burned out, but this Voyager hadn't had that advantage. The mission had been deemed too "risky", what with all the children onboard and Tal Celes' high risk pregnancy at the time.
That single log told Kathryn everything she needed to know. She had lost her focus and her edge in this altered timeline because of her personal entanglements. Kathryn silently congratulated herself for avoiding those personal entanglements in her own timeline. Her self-denial and precise focus had gotten them home in seven years. It had been hard and lonely and at times she had wondered if she was making the right choice, but now she knew without a shadow of a doubt that she had been correct to maintain a professional distance from Chakotay. Perhaps this was the lesson Q meant for her to learn. It certainly was a gift to know that she had been right all along. Kathryn glanced around, half-expecting Q to pop out at her and proclaim that this bizarre scenario had reached its conclusion.
"Mommy!"
The girl spotted her and ran into Kathryn with enough force that they both nearly fell over. The baby squealed and bounced up and down in his seat.
"Oh good, you made it!"
Chakotay smiled at her before beginning to wipe the baby clean. Tom held up a plate with a piece of cake.
"I saved you a corner piece, Kathryn. It wasn't easy with all these little vultures trying to steal it, so I hope you appreciate it."
Kathryn stepped forward hesitantly, the girl tugging her over to the group at the tables. Tom called her Admiral these days, with that touch of insolence that was his specialty. He never called her Kathryn. And while her crew had always been respectful of her they had never been so—so—chummy. Billy Telfer pulled out a chair for her near the babies while Tom plunked her cake in front of her. B'Elanna turned from Miral to speak to her.
"We were wondering what you were up to. What kept you so busy? This is quiet space right now." She took a bite of cake and continued, not waiting for Kathryn's response. "You know, I was thinking about what you said at Teddy's birthday. It really does feel like more of a celebration for me instead of for Miral. I survived the first year with her!"
Kathryn nodded her head. It was rather difficult to hear B'Elanna over the girl's renewed clamoring for ice cream.
"Be patient, Millie. I've got to take care of Teddy first," Chakotay said. He finished cleaning the squealing baby and hauled him out of the high chair. "There. All clean and now you can go see Mommy."
The baby was unceremoniously plopped onto Kathryn's lap and she stiffened, unsure of what to do with it. The baby hugged her and settled against her, one thumb in his mouth while the other hand reached up to rub her cheek. Chakotay scooped ice cream onto the girl's plate and she began eating, giggling at the boy seated next to her. The forehead ridges and bright blue eyes gave his identity away—Neil Paris, Tom and B'Elanna's four year-old son. They had come together as a couple much more quickly in this timeline.
"B'Elanna, I want to run an idea by you. I was in my ready room examining the data the former Borg have provided and I see a promising possibility there."
If Kathryn was going to make the trek through the Delta Quadrant a second time, then she was going to give her crew every possible advantage, beginning with the ablative generator technology Admiral Janeway had brought back with her from the future. Kathryn planned to pretend that the idea had come to her after studying the knowledge of the former Borg drones who had joined Voyager in the aftermath of the Unimatrix Zero mission.
"Sure, what is it?"
"I have an idea for a new type of armor for Voyager, something that will make us almost impregnable."
"Really?" B'Elanna leaned closer to Kathryn, her interest piqued.
"Yes, the armor would be based on-"
"Uh oh, Mommy, you have to go in the naughty chair! Daddy, Mommy has to go in the naughty chair!"
The girl pointed at Kathryn across the table and everyone turned to stare at her.
"Let me take care of it," Chakotay rumpled the girl's hair and smiled at Kathryn. "Were you talking ship's business, Kathryn? Tell the truth."
"I was discussing something important with my chief engineer, Commander."
The children were giggling and the adults were suppressing their amusement badly. Kathryn glared at them all, resenting the interruption of her conversation with B'Elanna.
'Well, it looks like we've caught you violating your very own regulation—no ship's business allowed at family events. The baby's asleep, so I'll allow you to stay in your own chair this time."
Chakotay strode to the back of her chair and pulled it away from the table so that she was separated from the group, the baby nestled against her and sucking his thumb in his sleep.
"No talking for five minutes or you can't get out of the naughty chair, Mommy!"
Did that child always screech everything at the top of her lungs? Kathryn wanted very much to rub the side of her neck, but she couldn't figure out how to extricate an arm out from under the baby without disturbing him. Chakotay leaned over the back of the chair to whisper in her ear.
"Be on your best behavior or I may have to continue my discipline tonight after the kids go to bed."
He briefly licked her earlobe with the tip of his tongue and Kathryn felt herself blush bright red. That quick touch and Chakotay's hot breath in her ear... but this wasn't real, she reminded herself. Just a figment of Q's imagination. She immediately pushed away the thought of how her body had reacted to that two second encounter and instead fumed at being separated from B'Elanna. It was no wonder that Voyager was still wandering through the Delta Quadrant if she wasn't allowed to talk about engineering issues with her chief engineer.
By the end of the party, Kathryn was suffering from a full-fledged stress headache. She hadn't had one of those since the debriefings. Chakotay squeezed Kathryn's bottom as they entered the turbolift. He did it absently, as if he had every right to manhandle her. She moved away from him and decided that she would force him to listen to her entire tale as soon as the children went to bed. He couldn't continue thinking that she was his wife and the mother of his children. The girl chattered loudly all the way back to their quarters while the baby, energized by his short nap, insisted on walking by himself. She thought longingly of slipping into a hot bath, but the children were the ones who got to enjoy Kathryn's bathtub—the girl first and then the baby. Chakotay bathed them while Kathryn took refuge at her desk in the cramped living room. She could see now that her quarters had been rearranged to create two tiny bedrooms for the children. Her quarters, which she had always kept tidy and pristine, were cluttered with toys and clothing. A small shoe sat on the desk next to her computer. She contemplated getting up and gathering all of the offending items, but she wanted to get her ideas into the computer and off to B'Elanna as soon as possible. She had only been working for a little while when Chakotay settled the baby in her arms. The girl climbed onto the couch and began playing with her dolls.
"They're all yours. I'm off to the gym. I'm going to meet Dalby there and get a little counseling in while I'm at it, since I missed our meeting this morning."
"What? But I'm working. This is important. In fact, I think I'll go to the ready room to-"
"No, you won't. Quit obsessing like this. We'll get home when we get home. Poring over old logs the way you did all day today isn't going to help at all."
"How do you know what I did today?" Kathryn demanded. The baby jumped at the tone of her voice, looking up at her face quickly. Kathryn instinctively rocked him to soothe him.
"I checked. It's my job as your first officer. Now, please do your mental health a favor and quit torturing yourself. Relax with the kids and I'll see you in an hour. We'll do some relaxing of our own." He waggled his eyebrows at her, quickly kissed the top of the baby's head, and did the same to the girl as he passed her. "Good night, Millie. Listen to your mother and go to bed. Love you."
He was gone. He was good at disappearing like that, Kathryn thought bitterly. It was just like the debriefings when he had been so besotted by Seven that he had barely given Kathryn the time of day. Everything had been so mixed up since the moment Voyager exited the Borg sphere. One moment, her goals and her duties had been clear, the next, her ship was no longer her own and her crew had been scattered. The debriefing panel lauded her one day for her command decisions and excoriated her on the next day. A court-martial had felt more likely than the sudden promotion to the admiralty she ended up receiving. And Chakotay had been so caught up in his relationship with Seven that she hadn't been able to talk to him about any of those things. Kathryn would never admit it to anyone, not even under threat of torture, but she had secretly been delighted when Seven abruptly dumped Chakotay and left him looking like a fool. It had served him right for being such a terrible friend.
Well, she hadn't needed him anyway. She had done just fine for herself over the past year. Not many humans made admiral by the age of forty-three—she was only the second in the history of Starfleet—and she had accomplished so much in the ten months she had held the rank. One planet brought into the Federation, another just on the brink of entering, three trade disputes successfully resolved, and one interstellar war ended. Not bad at all. The baby began whimpering and tugging at Kathryn's uniform jacket. She realized she had no idea what she should do to get these children to bed and she looked at the girl speculatively, remembering that Chakotay called her Millie.
"Millie?" The girl looked up from her dolls. "It's bedtime. You go along to bed now. I have work to do."
She found the baby's room and placed him in his crib, carefully prying his fingers from the front of her jacket. The baby immediately began screaming and pulled himself to a standing position, his chubby hands holding tightly to the railing. Tears poured down his cheeks and Kathryn stood uncertainly in the doorway, wincing at the pain in her chest from where he had clung to her. He must have bruised her breasts with his surprisingly strong grasp. He continued to scream and Kathryn backed out of the room. Were babies supposed to cry this much at bedtime? She caught a movement out of the corner of her eye. The girl was still on the couch playing with her dolls.
"Millie, I told you it's bedtime."
"I'm waiting for you to read me my book, Mommy. What's wrong with Teddy?"
"Nothing. He's just tired." Kathryn glanced at the door, hoping that she was telling the truth. Maybe she would go back in and peek at him in a few minutes. "Where's your book? I'll read to you and then you need to go to bed and I need to get to work."
"It's in my room by my bed where you always tell me to leave it. Let's go." She hopped down from the couch and pulled Kathryn into her bedroom. "Here it is!"
"All right. Get into bed and I'll read to you."
Kathryn pulled a small chair to the bedside and sat down, opening the book.
"No! You have to lie down with me."
The girl placed her hands on her hips and glared at Kathryn. Kathryn thought longingly of her computer and the information she wanted to send to B'Elanna.
"Fine, I'll get in bed with you." The girl clambered in under her covers and Kathryn gingerly laid down next to her. Her breasts were really aching now. "Let's see. Oh, I know this book. My mother used to read it to me when I was about your age. I just loved this book."
"No, Mommy! You can't read yet. You have to give Teddy his milk while you read to me."
Kathryn drummed her fingers on the cover of her book to keep herself from snapping at the girl.
"Teddy is in his bed trying to go to sleep. I'm going to leave him there and read to you and then I'm going to go work at my desk. Now, lie still and listen."
"But Mommy, Teddy's sad. He's crying because he wants his milk."
The baby's wails were getting louder and louder. Maybe the girl had a point.
"Fine, I'll go get Teddy and his milk."
She hauled herself out of bed and went to collect the baby. The crying stopped as soon as he was in her arms, but the occasional sob wracked his body as she made her way to the replicator. She searched through the replicator's history and selected something called "Teddy's milk". A small cup with two large handles and a spouted lid materialized. It was filled with warm milk and Kathryn headed back to the girl's bed. She grimaced as she laid down for the second time and the baby rested his head against her sore breast. Maybe she needed to pay the Doctor a visit. Who knew babies were strong enough to inflict bodily harm?
"All right, now I'll read to you and then you can both go to sleep and I can get to work. Here, take your cup."
She handed the cup to the baby and he took a drink from it while she opened the book.
"Let's see. Where are you? Oh, this is my favorite part. Did you know that the park Becky visits on the Moon is an actual location? There's a statue of her and her dog right in the middle. I went with my family to visit it one summer. We played leap frog just the way Becky and Boots do in the book."
Kathryn's reminiscence was interrupted by the baby throwing his cup against the wall. He began fussing and pulling at her jacket.
"Why did you throw your cup?"
Kathryn was getting exasperated and pulled the baby's hands away from her chest. She was too tired get out of bed yet again.
"Millie, you go get Teddy's cup."
"But he doesn't want it. He wants you to give him his milk. You know that, Mommy. During the day he drinks his sippy, but at night you give him his milk so he can go to sleep."
The girl pointed at Kathryn's chest and the pieces suddenly fell into place. She shot out of the bed leaving the baby next to his sister.
"Q! You show yourself this instant! This is going too far!"
The baby burst into tears and the girl sat up eagerly.
"Is Uncle Q coming to visit again? He brought me a pony last time. I want a puppy this time. I'll name him Boots."
The girl continued talking at the top of her lungs so that she could be heard over the baby's screams, but Kathryn ignored them both and paced the small bedroom. This was simply too much. They weren't her children and this wasn't her ship—it was all Q's fantasy and she wasn't putting up with any of it any longer. She scooped up the baby and settled him into the crib with his cup of milk. If he was really hungry, then he would eventually give up and drink out of the cup. She yanked the blanket over the girl and tucked her in firmly.
"No more talking and no more reading. Go to sleep."
She stomped into the living room and sat down at her desk, placing her head in her hands despairingly. Her head hurt and so did her breasts. She wanted to be back in San Francisco in her quiet, spacious, and luxurious hotel room where she was an admiral and everyone listened to her and obeyed her orders, where she had complete control and could take a bath if she felt like it and traitorous first officers didn't leave her alone to take care of their children. The baby's cries were soul-shattering, every shriek and sob piercing Kathryn straight through to her heart no matter how she tried to ignore them. They briefly became louder and Kathryn got up to see what had happened. The girl had entered the baby's room and was patting him through the bars of the crib.
"Millie, I told you to go to sleep!"
"I have to take care of my Teddy Bear. Shh, it's okay. I love you. Mommy has to work, so you have to drink your sippy and go to sleep, just like when there's a red alert."
The baby was the spitting image of Chakotay, but the girl had Chakotay's tenderness. She continued to soothe the baby, although he refused to calm down. The sight of Kathryn only made him cry even more. She didn't want to be drawn into these children's lives. They weren't hers—they wouldn't even exist once Q finally ended this absurdity, but she had never been able to resist helping anyone in need. That was why they had wound up lost in the Delta Quadrant and that was why Seven had entered their lives. Hell, it was why she had made the Maquis part of her crew. Kathryn stepped forward and lifted the baby out of the crib. She led Millie to her own bedroom where the sheets were still on the floor from her mad dash that morning. The three of them climbed into the bed. Kathryn removed her uniform jacket and held the baby close to her.
Of course she knew the basics of lactation. All command track officers had to learn so that they could support any lactating crewmembers under their command. She had also been around enough breastfeeding women in her life. Some of her earliest memories were of lying in bed with her mother while she nursed her baby sister Phoebe, but actually doing it herself was quite different from knowing the basics. Just how was she supposed to...dock the baby? She should have paid more attention the day before when B'Elanna had nursed Miral in the hotel lobby. But B'Elanna had brought up Chakotay and mentioned how lonely he had been ever since Seven broke up with him. Kathryn had rolled her eyes because there Chakotay was in plain view of both of them, standing at the desk and flirting with the clerk while he checked in. She hadn't thought to watch exactly how B'Elanna had initiated the breastfeeding procedure, distracted as she had been by Chakotay waving at her and B'Elanna and then turning to give the clerk his soft little grin while he ducked his head.
Kathryn laid down on her side, remembering her mother and Phoebe. The baby apparently approved of this position. He laid down against her and eagerly tugged at her uniform shirt. She pulled it up, realizing the bra was designed for nursing women, and marveled at how hard and large her breast was. She shouldn't have worried because the baby knew exactly what he was doing. He latched on and immediately began sucking, looking up into her eyes and holding her uniform shirt with one hand.
What a truly bizarre experience.
He was a curious little thing. Every few minutes he pulled away to look around the room or to see what his sister was doing. Kathryn knew enough to eventually roll him over with her so that he could nurse from the other breast. He fell asleep, his warm body completely limp and milk trailing from a corner of his mouth. He looked perfectly contented and Kathryn stroked his thick black hair, feeling calmer and even a little relaxed. Millie had also fallen asleep, a padd that she had picked up from the nightstand in her hand. Kathryn took it from her, intending to enter information for B'Elanna, but the children distracted her. Now that they were quiet and still, she could look them over and satisfy her curiosity. The girl strongly resembled Phoebe, especially the hair and upturned nose and the incessant chatter at the top of her lungs when she was awake. The baby was a miniature version of Chakotay. He gave a little sigh and placed his thumb in his mouth, sucking noisily as he slept.
Children. Kathryn clicked her tongue in complete exasperation. This was Q's way of getting back at her for having refused to mate with him all those years ago. She had told him she was too busy bringing her ship home and that she could never have a child with someone she didn't love. Well, she'd just have to put up with this situation for now. She wouldn't neglect these children, none of this was their fault, but when Q showed his face again... She activated her padd and buried herself in her work.
Chakotay was quite miffed to find both children in the bed when he returned from the gym.
"They'll wake up when we move them. Why did you let them fall asleep in here?" he whispered.
"I needed to work and this made them happy."
She continued to tap away at her padd, while Chakotay frowned at them.
"Well, I guess I'll take a shower while you put them in their beds."
"No, I won't. I'm working now. If you want them in their beds, you put them there."
"They have to go in their beds. There isn't any room for me."
"You can sleep in Millie's bed."
"Kathryn!" He looked both hurt and disappointed. "What have I done to make you so angry with me? You've been strange all day."
"I've been trying to tell you, but you won't listen. This isn't my life and I'm not their mother. I should be on Earth celebrating the one year-"
"Oh, forget it. You know I'll be waiting to listen whenever you decide to let me know what's really going on."
Kathryn went back to her padd, shaking her head. It was pointless trying to get him to hear her. Chakotay picked up Millie and carried her off. It took him several minutes to get her to settle down. Kathryn could hear him going to the replicator to get her water, then his soothing voice telling her a story. He returned for the baby, who startled and wailed when Chakotay lifted him from Kathryn's side. Millie popped out of bed to come running and see what was wrong with the baby. He got her back down and then went to sing to the baby, only to have Millie run through the master bedroom and into the bathroom. The shenanigans went on for quite some time and Kathryn silently congratulated herself again, this time for not having any children in her real life.
"Thanks for your help, Kathryn," Chakotay muttered when he returned to the bedroom. He stalked into the bathroom and Kathryn heard the sonic shower activate. She sent B'Elanna her proposal and opened a new document where she began outlining her thoughts. If they had ablative generators protecting the ship, then why couldn't they successfully steal another Borg transwarp coil? It would most likely last long enough to get them to the nebula where the transwarp hub still operated in this timeline. Then it would just be a matter of once more figuring out how to destroy the hub while using it to get home. There was a way to do it without having to sacrifice someone to the Borg Queen, Kathryn could feel it in her bones. She just needed to think and let the possibilities run through her mind until the right answer came to her...
"Kathryn, tell me the truth. Have I gained too much weight?"
Chakotay had emerged from the bathroom, but Kathryn hadn't bothered to tear her gaze away from her padd, completely absorbed in her machinations. Now, she did look up and her jaw dropped. Chakotay was standing completely naked in front of the mirror next to the closet examining his reflection. He practiced standing very straight and sucked in his gut, then turned to the side and did it again. She shouldn't look, she really shouldn't. Kathryn dropped her head down, completely blind to her padd, seeing Chakotay's movements out of the corner of her eye.
"Never mind. You don't have to tell me, I already know. Just watch, the Doctor's going to declare me unfit for duty and make me do extra physical conditioning. When I'll have the time for that, I don't know."
Somehow, without her meaning to, she'd raised her head to openly stare at him. She'd always—well, she was a naturally curious person. It was perfectly normal to wonder what her first officer looked like naked. Really, it was her responsibility to ensure that he was fit for duty. Oh my, he certainly looked capable enough of fulfilling all his duties. Sure, he had a gut, but he was still—more than adequate. The overall effect was very nice, especially the view from the back. And the front. Chakotay noticed her staring at him and his self-pitying frown turned into a wolfish smile. He was on the bed and straddling her in two seconds flat.
"Chakotay!"
He had gone straight for the spot on her neck that always drove her wild, one hand tugging her uniform shirt up.
"The kids are asleep and we're alone. How often does that happen? We need to be fast before there's a red alert. Computer, seal the master bedroom door."
He certainly was a fast worker, stripping her of her uniform shirt, tank, and bra in no time at all. The thought of stopping him briefly crossed her mind, only to be quickly discarded. She hadn't had sex since Mark. It was too depressing to admit how long it had been, even to herself. Why not enjoy this stolen moment that Q had gifted her? No one would ever know and she wanted him desperately. Kathryn eagerly pushed herself into Chakotay's kisses and caresses, lifting her hips so that he could pull her pants and underwear down. He paused, his breath hot and ragged as he eyed her naked body hungrily and then he smiled at her tenderly and sweetly.
"I love you, my Kathryn. My sweet, beautiful, brave Kathryn. I love you so much. My wife, my heart."
He rested a hand between her breasts, feeling her heartbeat, the love clearly shining out of his eyes. When was the last time anyone had looked at her like this or touched her as if she were cherished? She had forgotten what it felt like and she looked away from him, unwilling to continue the emotional connection he had begun. He wasn't really her Chakotay and this wasn't her life. Chakotay's hand moved to turn her face so that she once more met his eyes.
"Kathryn? Are you all right?"
"I'm sorry. I'm just tired. Please, let me go."
Chakotay moved off her and she reached down to grab the sheet from the floor and wrapped herself in it. She turned away from him and curled up.
"Kathryn, I wish you would talk to me." After a moment's silence, he sighed. "I guess I'll go work on the crew evaluations in the living room and let you rest. I love you. Let me know if there's anything I can do for you."
He kissed the top of her head gently and she heard him pulling on clothes before he unsealed the door and left.
TBC