WHITEWASHED

Hikaru angrily tossed his school bag and blazer haphazardly on the bed and followed suit, propelling his body on the soft mattress while a fisted hand pounded a few times on the innocent down of his pillow. He wanted to shout out in frustration and anger. The past six months have taken its toll on him. And the reason for his immense irritation lived just a few doors from his. It took all his willpower to stop himself from marching down the hall and shout incessantly at the object of his misplaced fury. His breathing was labored and harsh, his brow screwed into a scathing frown

In all actuality, it took everything he had to hold on to his anger towards his brother. What angered him was himself, who could no longer summon the same disdain as before. He could not point out what had changed, but he felt it. Starting a month ago, in the mornings on his way out of the house, he usually encountered his brother and Kaoru's private tutor who then would proceed to greet him. Kaoru would follow suit as well. But instead of the usual biting sarcasm or rude disregard, Hikaru found himself greeting in reply. This became a usual occurrence and he was oddly confused with himself.

To make matters worse, his friends at school had been bugging him for some time now to let them visit. He could not fault them for this as in the past he always had them over for at least once a month. But in the half year that had passed, he found excuse after excuse to prevent this from happening; excuses, which, even to his own ears sounded feeble and pathetic.

He rolled over again in bed. Now that he thought about it, there were other not-so-subtle changes that had taken place that he had never noticed until now.

He dug the heels of his palm into his eyes, as if the effort could block away the memories seeping into his consciousness. Damn! Since when had he started to act kindly towards his brother? He remembered that lately, he had also started joining his mother and Kaoru at the sitting room with even a little small talk involved. He buried the bony prominence further into his shut eyes.

Once more, he rolled over, settling into his side, facing the blank, mocking wall. He saw his line of sight blur, the patterns on the wall fading into obscurity. He couldn't have been crying. He told himself his eyes were just tired. There was a slight nagging moisture that flowed. He reasoned he was sleepy and yawned for effort. He closed his eyes, ignoring the protests of his subconscious. He was not deceiving himself; there was no need to. He fell asleep from the exhaustion – from his outburst, from the battle within himself, from the past six months where something had inexplicably changed, taken root and bloomed. He closed his eyes.

He dreamed. He was falling, plunging into a deep void. He was struggling, arms flailing, searching desperately for something to hold on to, for a foothold, anything that would prevent him from crashing. It was a never ending gulf that spanned an infinite amount of space. The pull of gravity was excruciatingly painful and there was no way he could resist. He was afraid. He was petrified of the never-ending descent into nothingness. He struggled some more. Suddenly tiny bursts of light appeared, cracking through the endless span of shadows. He felt like he was floating now, no longer pulled by a colossal omnipotent force. His dream, it was peculiar yet curious. He dreamed he was falling into the stars. There was no way that could be possible, couldn't it? At the same time he realized he was descending into the heavens, he felt a touch on his hand. He grasped it, as if his life depended on it. It was strange. The hand he held now was achingly familiar. It was like he was holding his own hand. He woke up with a start.

Kaoru was seated at one of the chairs by the swimming pool, wearing a simple white shirt and orange cargo shorts. He had a book on his lap as sensitive, responsive fingers ran over the pages. He felt slightly appalled that he was reading yet another romance work but he really had no choice in the matter, as he had been instructed to do so by his tutor. He found himself lost in the text, at the foolishness of the characters. Surely, love was not the folly that the book made it seem to be? Somehow, he couldn't help but read some more, more out of curiosity as to what the ending would be.

A loud shout of 'Hikaru!' made him jump from his seat and suddenly, arms were around him, followed by muffled shouts of laughter. The scream that had forced its way up from his lungs was now trapped in his throat. His entire body had frozen up, the book he held falling as his hands clenched into fists at his sides. He kept his eyes closed lest they see his blank stare. His mind raced to figure out how to escape this.

The group of boisterous people around him must have realized something was wrong, different. He sensed someone pick up the fallen book and heard a surprised exclamation of "Braille?! You know how to read this?!"

What else could Kaoru do but nod in answer to the question? He held out a hand and hurriedly grabbed the book close to his chest when he felt it on his extended fingers. He could sense close breathing next to him; he was sure he was being scrutinized closely.

A small child-like voice asked "Hika-chan, why won't you look at us?" But Kaoru kept his head bowed down. "Hikaru-kun is in the house, probably in his room." He whispered, almost indistinctly. But they heard; their shocked gasps obvious indication of their surprise.

He moved to get up, mumbling about needing to be inside the house, but another spoke up this time, stopping him. This new voice had optimism dripping off every word. Kaoru thought he would be blinded by the intensity of the boy's personality, not that he already wasn't. This boy seemed excited, too excited actually, at discovering a Hikaru look alike and apparently, someone who didn't act like him at all. Kaoru felt like a freak show.

He found himself bombarded with questions he couldn't keep up with. He was still processing the last question in his mind, figuring out how to answer tactfully and yet truthfully, when a new one would be asked before he was even able to utter a single word. Soon enough, he learned simply to stay quiet as the overly dramatic person went on and on about weird things such as brotherly love. Kaoru's stomach curled and was a mass of butterflies. There was nothing more he wanted to do than to disappear. And it seemed these strangers had no intention of leaving him just yet. Kaoru sank lower in his seat as the boisterous group incessantly attempted to engage him in conversation.

Hikaru was a little bemused as he sat up in bed. He had fallen asleep in his uniform and it was now nothing but a rumpled mess. His hair stuck out in places and he offhandedly ran a hand though his locks to put some semblance of order. He disrobed, shedding article after article of clothing, scattering it about the room as he stepped into plain jeans and a sleeveless shirt.

He remembered his dream vividly, the picture of the start darkness seemed to be imprinted in his mind. If he closed his eyes, he could still feel the rush as he was falling. But somehow what seemed most concrete in his mind was the hand that he had clasped at the very last second.

He realized he was looking at his hand for some time now. In disgust at being so moved by a completely pointless dream, he clenched it into a fist as a scowl marred his face. He didn't have the time for foolish sentiments and whimsies. Suddenly, he felt suffocated in his own room, like he had to escape before it overcame him, it being something he didn't know, couldn't comprehend, much less recognize. It was weird. Your room was where you took sanctuary from. It was a personal haven. Having that refuge tainted now made Hikaru more livid than before. In his haste to escape the stifling confines of the four familiar walls, he almost bumped into a maid who was about to knock on the door.

"Hi- Hikaru-sa- sama. You have guests."

Oh, shit.

"Th- They have been waiting you for some time now."

Shit, shit, shit.

"What the hell took you so look to wake me up?!" Hikaru towered over her, his eyes wide with anger, frustration and if the young maid wasn't too scared to notice, there was panic as well.

The poor girl's eyes started to water. As a strict rule, they were never to awaken the young master unless absolutely necessary, i.e. for school. She bowed her head down meekly, realizing that speaking out would only worsen the situation.

"Never mind." Hikaru bit out, irritated at himself, at his friends, at the blasted maid, his brother and at life in general.

What greeted his eyes was totally unexpected. His chest was heaving from the exertion of his sprint throughout the house and the surrounding gardens in search of his friends. Words threatened to form themselves on his lips but he was unable to utter a single sound.

His friends were talking amiably to his twin like they were long lost friends. He felt his gut twist in painful knots. It was a completely foreign and unwelcome feeling. It trickled up and down his spine, refusing to be quelled, stubbornly pestering him with irksome thoughts and disturbing emotions.

Someone finally took notice of him. Haruhi looked at him, a bright smile on her face."Ah, look, it's Hika – ru…" His name faded on his friend's lips. How he must have looked to them, he had no idea. All he was aware of was his clenched fists, clasped tightly to his sides and his glassy eyes filled with traitorous moisture threatening to seep through.

She approached him, her gaze full of remorse, apologizing for the whole lot of them that had gone against his wishes and arrived uninvited at his home. But something prevented her from crossing the slight distance between her hand and his arm. Hikaru refused to look at her, at any of them, his gaze focused solely on his brother. She retracted her hand and bowed lowly at Kaoru then at Hikaru, announcing her leave. The others followed suit, each murmuring a quiet apology as they passed by him.

Kaoru had stiffened up in his seat. "Hikaru.." he began. But he only received a shout in reply. "What are you doing?!" He couldn't even answer in defense because his heard his brother's departing foot falls fading quickly against the grass. He had no intention to intrude on Hikaru's life, nor dabble in his personal circle of friends. But he was caught in the situation, unable to escape gracefully and soon he found himself enjoying the company of the boisterous, somewhat crazy group of people. He knew he shouldn't feel like it but it had seemed like the beginnings of a wonderful friendship. But he brushed the thoughts aside. There was no way for that to happen. Grabbing his cane in one hand and his book in the other, he stoically made his way up his room.

Hikaru was back in his own room, still trying his damndest to repress the telling flow of wetness. He felt it. He was actually jealous goddamnit. There was no way he could deny it to himself now. The mental picture of Kaoru laughing and generally having a good time with his friends was enough to make him sick to his stomach once more. Shit. But he had no one to blame but himself.

He growled once, twice, in frustration, not knowing how else to handle the situation. He had been with Kaoru in the same house and yet he had yet to share a smile, a laugh with his twin brother. And there were his friends, intruding into his home, and they already seemed like the closest of friends.

He curled himself into a fetal position, a pitiful figure in the center of his enormous bed. His room seemed to echo emptily now, more so than before. There was so much space around him. It taunted him, at how distant he was from contact. The picture of Kaoru, speaking happily with his friends, entered his mind once more. He hugged his knees tighter to his chest. He really had no one else to blame but himself.

Tsuishin ~ Postscript

I would have liked to expound more on the love-hate between the twins. But that would mean writing chapter after chapter of angst, which is something I cannot find myself doing at this point. Therefore, I decided that the main points in the story will not be the horribly cliché 'hate-turns-to-love' but instead, I shall take this down a different path, which I hope would prove interesting. So instead of expounding on "I hate my new brother" for a few chapters and then the "I think I'm falling for him", I just implied that the hate-love has been going on for some time now. Okayyy, I shall shut up already and put up the next chapter next.