Chapter 3

It was already nearly seven when Merlin entered the physicians chamber and greeted Gaius. Merlin was hungry: his stomach was absolutely killing him. It was a special kind of torture having to watch three royals feast on a delicious meal whilst not being allowed to taste it at all.

He wanted to scream when he saw what Gaius was preparing for the both of them: a chicken broth was stewing in a pot suspended above a controlled fire. Gaius stirred the pot, without paying Merlin's slight mental breakdown any attention. Gaius was used to it by now. "you're late." Gaius remarked, still busying himself with his broth like it required special attention. Merlin readjusted his scarf as he hummed in response, too hungry and tired to open his mouth to speak.

Gaius grabbed a bowl and poured Merlin his own portion of food before handing him te bowl. "It's hot." Gaius warned before filling his own bowl. Merlin noticed Gaius had something on his mind he wasn't expressing, but didn't dare to ask. Honestly, he had his guess about what Gaius wanted to ask him, but he knew better. Gaius knew what he had done.

Merlin quickly took a sip of his broth when he saw Gaius open his mouth. Anything to prolong the inevitable conversation that they needed to have. Of course Gaius saw right through him immediately as he put down his spoon and faced Merlin directly with a deep sigh.

"We can't avoid this topic forever. We should actually have talked about this yesterday, but I figured I should give you the space to process the whole ordeal first." Gaius carefully monitored Merlin's reactions while he spoke, making him speak agonisingly slow. Merlin was growing impatient, but refrained from speaking anyway. "Have you spoken to her?" Gaius didn't even have to mention her name: Merlin knew who Gaius was taking about. Merlin nodded and took another sip quickly. Gaius just stared at him for a moment without doing anything. He looked at Merlin like he could read the answers on his forehead. If only that were true.

"Did she say anything about-"

"No she didn't" Merlin interrupted Gaius before he could say anything. Merlin didn't like how Gaius was looking at him like he knew everything, like he actually understood. Gaius didn't know what he was feeling. Heck, Gaius didn't know he was planning to see her this very evening. Wait, he was. Merlin felt anxious all of the sudden. What should he do, what should he say? should he apologise, and wouldn't that only make things worse?

Gaius didn't press Merlin any further, apparently noticing the inner turmoil transpiring inside of Merlin's head at he moment. Sometimes Gaius was too wise for his own good, but he failed to recognise the fact that Merlin was scheming right in front of him.

As night fell, Merlin began to become more and more uneasy. The darker it got, the more likely Morgana would be asleep. If she was, should he wake her up or would that be innapropriate? No that's silly, this whole idea was inappropriate: sneaking into the King's ward her chambers in the late evening, nothing possibly illegal about that for sure. He stopped breathing as soon as he heard Gaius' snores coming from the living room. This was his chance.

Sneaking past Gaius wasn't difficult, Merlin had expected as much. The man was old and his hearing suffered because of his age. Merlin was thankful for the fact that Gaius snored for the first time. His snoring was a great indicator to verify if Gaius was still in a deep slumber. Merlin crouched past Gaius, sending him apologies in his head. He hadn't yet made up his mind, nevertheless he was going to do this. A long time he spent in turmoil: it wasn't too late to go back now, and he probably should. Every limb in his body was itching to return back to his own room, but he moved forward anyway. He crouched towards the front door, only the slight sound of his breathing and light footsteps hinted at Merlin's intentions. He clutched the door handle in his palm and turned it slowly. A cold breeze hit his face as the door opened. Merlin exhaled once, glancing back at Gaius briefly, before heading towards his destination.

Passing Gaius was only the first obstacle he had to overcome before he would reach Morgana's chambers, but in a way, it was the hardest. Now that he was out here, there was really no turning back. His aching limbs' protests were fruitless now since he had made it this far already. It was colder out in the courtyard as he had expected, and he willed himself to stop shivering so much. He started to hear heavy footsteps and saw light coming in his direction. His heart started to thump louder and louder in his chest: If someone caught him out here, the excuse that he was lost wouldn't suffice. Quickly he sneaked into the kitchen and down the hallway. He started making his way towards the stairs that lead to the first floor of the castle.

Merlin recalled there was a guard stationed in the hallway above. To get past, he had to distract that guard first. In all the haste, Merlin didn't factor the presence of that guard in his plan. The footsteps he heard started to fade into the distance. In a moment of bravery, Merlin started to make his way up the stairs. his breath grew laboured, and it took a surprising amount of effort to keep himself composed. As he reached the door at the end of the stairs, he put his ear on the damp wood. He listened for any movement, any indication of a living being on the other end. No sound. Once again, he opened the door a slight bit and tried to glance through the crack. Nothing to be seen. The footsteps he heard earlier started to increase in volume once again. Merlin squeezed himself in a hurried frenzy through the door, closing it quietly behind him. The footsteps halted. To Merlin's horror, the footsteps made their way up the stairs, was he seen?

He raced through the broad hallway and hid in the nearest alcove he could find. It wasn't the best hiding place, but it would ensure that whoever opened the door would not be able to see him. He pressed himself to the hard concrete as if it would make a difference, and held his breath. After a minute passed he heard the door close, and the footsteps made their way downstairs again. 'that was close, way too close' he thought as he let himself relax for a short moment. From his current position he could see the door to Morgana's chambers. He was in luck: no guard stood there just yet, but he was sure there would be soon. He had to move in now.

Half running, half sneaking he made his way towards her door. He settled his nerves and took a deep breath. From the other side of the door, he could hear movement. She was inside and awake, good. He glanced around one more time before knocking on her door. He straightened himself and wiped the dirt that gathered around his knees off his trousers.

"Who is this?" he heard from the other side of the door. Judging from the tremor of her voice, she was not expecting any visitors. Not strange for this hour, but Merlin knew better than to underestimate Morgana.

"It's me, Merlin. Please Morgana, I need to speak to you for just a minute, it won't take long." He half-whispered and practically pleaded Morgana. He felt exposed out here, every second he spent in front of her door out in the open like this he risked getting caught. Guards were given strict orders by Uther to increase their scrutiny around Morgana's chambers, given that she had just returned from being supposedly 'kidnapped'.

It was silent for what seemed like an eternity to Merlin. He started to doubt Morgana was even considering his words until the door clicked open just a slight bit. Merlin pushed the door open and made his way inside. He made sure to close the door quietly behind him before facing Morgana. She stood in the middle of her room, her arms crossed and her eyes accusing. Yep, she wasn't pleased.

"What exactly do you want from me at this hour? are you out of your mind, what if you were caught?" Morgana's voice got louder as she started to get angrier. Merlin didn't allow himself to delude himself into thinking she was in any way concerned about him, but he almost did. For a moment he just stood there, most of all to catch his breath but also because he didn't know how to respond. Morgana huffed when Merlin took to long to respond. She broke their eye contact and started playing with a piece of cloth that lay on her bed to keep herself busy. Merlin noticed her shoulders were tense again.

"I just wanted to-" Merlin started to speak but he didn't know what he actually wanted to say. Morgana stopped what she was doing to look in his direction again. She stepped towards him, eyeing him carefully. It was as if she was reading his mind: Merlin knew she couldn't but yet he felt like she could read him. It was as if she understood him completely and yet they didn't understand one another at all. "I wanted to see you because I felt like we needed to talk." Merlin whispered. He didn't know why, but he felt like speaking would be too loud.

They were now an armlength apart. Morgana's eyes didn't leave his for a moment as he was speaking. Her gaze was calculating and held a hint of something Merlin couldn't decipher. He wondered what his eyes looked like to her. Did he look as afraid, confused and invigorated as he felt?

He was grateful when Morgana finally spoke. Her scrutiny was making it hard for him to think, speak even. "Are you okay?" She said it without a hint of concern, it was more like an observation after carefully assessing him. And she was right. He really wasn't okay; neither was she. It was the one thing where they both could agree on. Merlin shook his head no, and Morgana's eyes shined with victory. She started to laugh, first a small smile but it turned into a full out laugh soon after.

"Good." She said after she composed herself. "You deserve it." She moved away from him again. She walked towards her window and stared out of it, upon the courtyard. Merlin felt a surge of regret: he shouldn't have come. He didn't know if he should leave or respond to her. What was there to gain? But on the other hand, he had gone through all this trouble for this opportunity to talk to her like this. he should not waste it.

Merlin closed the growing distance between them this time. He stood next to her, looking out to the courtyard with her. There was nobody to be seen. Morgana didn't say anything or gave any indication that she noticed him: she continued staring at nothing. She seemed deep in thought: what was she thinking about? Only when Morgana turned to look at him did he realise he spoke his thoughts out loud.

"You." Was all she said. She regarded his reaction for a few seconds before reverting her attention away again. She knew he would ask for clarification, she wanted him to. He did.

For a while neither of them said anything. The silence was nice. In a way, this was as close to civil Morgana and Merlin could get without it being out of character. When Merlin moved and their arms brushed, Morgana broke the silence. "I still have dreams about that day. What you did to me." To Merlin her words were no suprise, but they hit him like a punch to the gut anyway. Morgana turned around and leaned her back to the wall as she stared ahead of her. She spoke again, her voice no louder than a whisper as if she was disclosing a secret. "I want to go back."

"Go back where?" Merlin immediately asked. Morgana didn't answer. But she continued talking.

"Don't you ever wonder what would've happened had things been different?" This time she did meet his eye. Merlin didn't expect the conversation to grow so, civilised. They were more like old friends talking now, rather than enemies. Merlin nodded in response. He had thought about that way too much. He had even tried to go back once, but he wasn't powerful enough.

Another silence filled the room. Merlin started to wonder what he was still doing here but he couldn't bring himself to move. Neither did Morgana. Their arms brushed again, nobody said a word. Merlin his heart started thumping in his chest all of the sudden. His cheeks started to turn red and he grew warm. 'This is not the old Morgana, stop it.' he tried to remind himself desperately.

Morgana noticed Merlin grew uncomfortable as their shoulders touched when they stood too close. Never had either of them been in this close proximity before. Their magic reacted to one another like it did the day before. Sparks flew every time they touched: it was electric and addicting. The tension in the air shifted from dangerous to a different kind of dangerous. This was unexplored territory. And it should've stayed that way.

Morgana would never admit that she was the first to cave under the constant pressure, but she was the one to reach out and finally touch. When she grabbed Merlin by both arms and guided her lips to collide with his every emotion hit them at once. Hate turned into passion quickly, as they both gave in. Merlin wrapped his arms around her waist, drawing her closer to him as Morgana squeezed his arms so hard it was almost painful. They both kissed one another without holding back. Merlin felt his magic going out of control inside of him and there was nothing he could do to satiate it. Morgana bit Merlin's lip softly while they kissed, and Merlin had to silence a moan that threatened to escape him.

Then in a sudden moment of reality that hit the both of them at once, they parted. Morgana pushed Merlin away using her magic in shock. Merlin collided with the concrete wall, falling down to the ground again with a loud thud. He felt a sharp pain in his back suppressed by the adrenaline. He had just snogged Morgana. The evening took a turn neither of them suspected and both regretted just as much. Neither of them dared to look or say anything. All Merlin wanted was to leave the room as quickly as possible and pretend none of this had ever transpired. He dared one quick glance in Morgana her direction and their eyes met by accident. Both of them gasped and quickly looked away.

Merlin managed to stand up. Only with the use of sheer willpower was he able to make it through the door. He could care less if a guard was stationed in front, he couldn't stand being in the same room with her any longer. Morgana didn't say anything as Merlin closed the door behind him and left.