It was no wonder why Kabuki-cho, the heart of Edo, was so rowdy at night. For the salary men who wanted to loosen up their ties after work; the middle-aged bums who wanted to spend some time with beautiful young women; even for the country's patriotic policemen who wanted to relax after a long day of patrol in the city. The red-light district provided them plenty of time for leisure after a day at work and allowed them to flirt all they wanted without their wives in mind. In short, it was a paradise for all the men.

Although, it wasn't the case for a mayonnaise-centric vice-commander.

Hijikata Toushiro was just looking forward to a good day's rest back at the Shinsengumi Headquarters, after his division had apprehended a group of small-scale robbers that morning. The long day at work tired him out by the end of it and he wanted nothing more but to spend the rest of his evening watching the drama on television and smoking a few more cigarettes before he went out for the late night patrol. He was appointed duty for Thursday nights, and he wasn't expecting this time to be any different.

In fact, his schedule went on smoothly right until the opening credits for his drama started up. It was then when the chief commander and man he looked up to, Isao Kondo, burst through his room like there was some sort of major crisis going on; like his drama was the least priority at the moment since Earth was going to end anytime soon from the horrified look he had on his face and the way he crawled towards him like a demon from hell.

"T-Toshi!" the older man-like gorilla called out his name for help.

He forgot to insert a half an hour standby when Kondo had burst through his room and went on like there was trouble. Which, most of the time, were minor problems that revolved around his strained relationship with the Shinsengumi toilets. Hijikata withdrew the cigarette from his mouth and calmly asked, "What's wrong?"

Now that the chief commander was closer, he could see tears in his eyes — a slightly less common symptom. This made the vice-captain a tad more worried than usual.

"Look at t-this!"

At the mention of 'this', the defeated Kondo lifted up his arm weakly. In his grip was a piece of white paper. The tears in his eyes started to run down his face and he made the face he gave whenever he was constipated (Hijikata cursed himself to had lived together with the man long enough to know that face of his). It was usually a look he reserved for Otae, whom broke his heart on a regular basis. To think that a piece of paper could give him such an expression, Hijikata thought it definitely got something to do with her.

And as he opened up the sheet of paper, he was right.

Popular Gintama Couples that make you go "Kyaa-!"

Total Votes = 45985

8th. Kamui x Imai Nobume = 1938 (4.214%)
7th. Hijikata Toushiro x Shimura Tae = 1950 (4.241%)
6th. Tama x Yamazaki Sagaru = 2393 (5.204%)
5th. Okita Sougo x Imai Nobume = 2836 (6.167%)
4th. Ikumatsu x Katsura Kotaro = 3013 (6.552%)

TOP 3 COUPLES:

3rd. Sakata Gintoki x Shimura Tae = 4606 (10.016%)
2nd. Sakata Gintoki x Tsukuyo = 12150 (26.422%)
1st. Okita Sougo x Kagura = 17099 (37.183%)

Sorachi-sensei's thoughts: Ah, hormonal teens. My editor said it was a good idea to do this but I think it's really weird. Well, I guess that's what people like. At least nobody paired me with a banana. (Actually, I wouldn't mind.) I feel lonely enough already.

The unlit cigarette fell out of his gaping mouth and landed on the coffee table.

"Toshi!" His chief commander continued to despair, now clinging onto Hijikata's jacket and grossly sobbing all over it. "I THOUGHT WE WERE BROTHERS!"

It felt like the Mayora was one step closer on his way to his mayonnaise-covered heaven.

This was a bad joke, wasn't it? Why wasn't he shipped with mayonnaise instead?! Or, a certain brunette—

No, shame on him for thinking of her that way! He would be lying if he said he didn't want to be on the list with another person, so he kept his mouth shut. Hijikata's expression darkened and his trembling hands reached out to pry off Kondo's grip on his collar.

"Kondo-san… I assure you there's nothing going on between us."

"No, NO, TOSHI- I AGREE!" Kondo now laid on the floor, burying his face in his hands and screamed. "OTAE-SAN IS A REAL BEAUTY AND SHE HAS A HEART OF A PURE MAIDEN, SO I UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM, BUT IT'S REALLY UNFAIR FOR ME TO BE FIGHTING ON TWO FRONTS, WHAT'S MORE THAT YOROZUYA BASTARD'S JUST GETTING ALL THE LADIES—"

"Calm down."

It was an understatement to say that Hijikata was a terrible consoler, especially when Kondo was crying and leaving his snot all over the place. The vice-captain could only wait until the gorilla went back to normal before rationalizing with him. Kondo took about a maximum of five minutes to stop crying, but this time he didn't stop. Thank god Sougo was outside right now, doing whatever he was doing. In this situation, he didn't need someone trying to kill him while he had his hands full with the chief. Hijikata wasn't sure what to think about all of this, but he took up the role of the sane and calm one in this situation. Kondo could never take that role no matter how hard he tried, most of the time.

"So, what do you want me to do, Kondo-san?"

Kondo finally looked up from his hands. His face was all scrunched up, eyes shimmering like a typical heroine in shoujo manga. He started to play with his sticky fingers shyly, averting his gaze to the floor with a somewhat blush on his face.

"Um, if it's not too big of a hassle…"

His voice became a pitch higher too, like a school girl in the midst of her confession.

Hijikata felt like he needed to light up a few more sticks tonight.

And so he found himself in the midst of drunk old men and charming hostesses, sitting right next to the lady herself. There was only the two of them seated on the long 'U'-shaped lounge that was saved for the customers of Snack Smile.

Otae gave her surprise guest a habitual smile. She certainly hadn't expected a non-gorilla customer from the Shinsengumi. The smile that she gave was supposed to be a thankful one, yet Hijikata felt a shiver run down his spine. Memories of being beaten by this woman rose from the depths of his mind. When they had been fighting during the character polls arc, she threw him off like he was nothing. He could only hope that he wouldn't suffer the same fate again for another poll. Polls seemed to intertwine their paths together. She sure left him some pretty deep impressions physically and mentally with that throw, which felt like she was just taking out trash.

But the vice-captain could not afford to be fearful of this woman/beast. He was on a sole mission to stop her from misunderstanding and like always, he needed to be the rational one again. Like he promised Kondo, they'd clarify their doubts so that the gorilla would not be suspicious about the both of them. That was what Kondo said anyway, while he clung onto the vice-captain's leg and cried.

"Oh my, what brings you here, Hijikata-san? I hope it's not another proposal again," the hostess said, or warned.

"No, no. I'm not here about any proposal."

"Then, H-Hijikata-san… You came here to visit me?" Otae cupped a cheek and shook her head, as if she was embarrassed about the whole idea of him coming to see her — it was as if they were having a rendezvous; like there was something clandestine to their meeting—

The floor beneath them creaked and the vice-commander's eyes narrowed suspiciously. That couldn't be Kondo… could it?

"I trust you, Toshi!"

That was what the gorilla-like man said before his vice-captain left for Snack Smile. Hijikata could only hope that what Kondo had promised was true. Frankly, he was terrible with women and it was better if lesser people knew about this. The trust he had in Kondo held him back from stomping the floor boards, no matter how tempted he was. He gave a resigned sigh and turned back to Otae. The hostess noticed this, but said nothing.

"No," Hijikata began and quickly changed his mind. "Yes. No. Yes."

He groaned internally. 'I should commit seppuku, damn it.'

Committing seppuku seemed so much easier than talking to the woman at the moment. Things didn't seem as easier as they felt before. For some reasons that the vice-captain couldn't comprehend, he felt warmth creeping up his neck as he struggled to get the words out. He could deal with the most dangerous criminals, but he was having problems talking to a woman. He only understood how hard it was to talk to a person about the relationship some fans threw you both in, he thought. It was strange how this man, who had no problems interrogating criminals, had the biggest problems talking to a person from the opposite gender.

"No lady likes their man to be so fickle, Hijikata-san," Otae chided, or threatened. "Maybe you want some Dom Peri to calm down?"

"Yes, yes I came here to visit you. No, please."

"Please? There's no need to hold back. We've been co-characters in this show, after all!"

"No, thank you very much. Don't break the fourth wall!"

'And what co-characters? Shouldn't it be co-workers?' The straight man in Hijikata wanted to shout out. But he had enough on his plate as it already was and this woman scared him a little, as much as he hated to admit.

"I have something I need to talk to you about, is all." Taking out a cigarette from his jacket pocket, he was about to light it up when it was snatched out of his hands promptly. The captain stared as Otae, still equipped with her award-winning smile, snapped the cigarette into half by clenching her hand into a fist.

"You can't smoke here, Hijikata-san." Dropping the cigarette stick that was snapped into two on the table, she jerked a thumb backwards towards a no-smoking sign. She didn't seem like a hostess at all. No, no, no. Who was this woman, was she really a hostess? How did she even manage to wrap his chief commander around her little finger? The straight man questions and comebacks that he kept pent-up inside, along with the booze and noisy laughter in the cabaret club, was starting to addle his brain. It didn't help that the ending credits to his drama was rolling at around now either, according to his body clock.

"What do you need to talk about?"

"I… uh… have you read the newest polls yet?" Two bottles of Dom Peri were placed on the table, and he was about to say that he didn't order them, but seeing Otae's smile made him shut up again.

"No, I've been here for the whole day, unfortunately. Why? Has that gorilla gotten above me again?" She cracked her knuckles, and he instantly shook his head.

"It's about the polls. They're based on..." Red crept up from his necks to his cheeks and the vice-captain had to look away to hide his embarrassment. "..They're based on character couples."

There was a pregnant pause, before the hostess spoke up. "…And?"

'And? AND?! Was this woman for real?!'

Unable to bear with all the noise and the smell and how damn dense she was, the vice-captain appeared to have lost his marbles as he stood up furiously and unleashed the straight man in him.

That's right, his confused and short fuse told him, 'Come on, you know you want to correct things —'

"We're on that list! Damn it, how thick can you be? Kondo told me to tell you that there's nothing between us so he can continue to live happily in his own oblivion. There's nothing going on between us – there's no way in hell I'd get together with you — that's all I came here to tell you, okay?! And I didn't order Dom Peri, why am I, someone who's supposed to be the tax robber, being robbed here with Dom Peri?! Don't take my job, damn it!"

Realizing only halfway when he was huffing from his agitation, the vice-captain felt his neck grow even warmer from the stunned customers and hostesses who gaped at him, paused in the middle of their merrymaking. Embarrassment washed over him and told him to sit the hell down. Hijikata could only keep himself in check by pinching the bridge of his nose with indignation.

"You know," she finally spoke up after uncomfortable silence, "that isn't a very nice thing to say of a lady. Are you trying to say that I'm not good enough of a partner for you?" This time, there wasn't any threat or undertoned malice in her voice, although she sounded livelier than usual.

Oh, shit. Hijikata turned to look at Otae, who seemed like she was trying her best not to cry. Too late. The woman was crying.

Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit—

Guilt ate the vice-captain and chewed away at his soft side.

"It's alright though, I think I teased you a fair bit as well." The hostess held up a sleeve to wipe away her tears but was stopped by a handkerchief the vice-captain handed out to her. His eyes were still looking at anywhere else but her.

"Take it, i-it was my fault. I got out of hand. I knew better than to lose control." The vice-captain lowered his head, swallowing his pride as he apologized. His eyes chose to look at anywhere but the hostess, settling on the bottles sitting by their table.

"You can order as many bottles of Dom Peri as you want, as a form of apology." His words tumbled out in a flustered rush. It really was true that a man's weakness were women's tears. He hadn't seen any woman crying over him before (even if he had he was painfully oblivious to it) and it was hard knowing what to do.

"R-Really?"

"Yeah, now stop crying."

"Okay!" Switching moods instantly, the hostess cheerfully gestured to a waiter nearby. "Excuse me!" She held out three fingers. Hijikata was tempted to question her sudden shift in moods (were women always like that?) but he wasn't taking chances on making her cry again.

"Three bottles? You can order more if you want." He said, guilt chewing away at his soft side. Otae turned to the vice-captain and grinned.

"That means thirty bottles, Hijikata-san."

As Hijikata stumbled out of Snack Smiles upon closing time, a lady appeared beside him, all smiles. It was none other than Otae, whom he offered to walk home since it was already time for night patrol. Kondo was nowhere in sight throughout the hours they conversed (he got along with her surprisingly well) like he promised, and that made things a lot easier for the vice-captain.

Out in the cold streets of Edo, the smell of liquor wasn't as strong and it was relatively quiet. The only smell of booze he smelled came from his own uniform and as for Otae, it was surprising to find an aroma tagging alongside him. The floral scent was sweet and comforting, and it cleared his head much better, though he still needed to smoke.

"What's that smell?" It took him a moment to register where it came from.

"You like it? It's peony-scented," her lilting voice answered. Hijikata only gave a small nod. A small one that was hardly noticeable. "It's fine."

There was a soft chuckle next to him.

"Thank you for the thirty bottles of Dom Peri to my friends, Hijikata-san."

"I couldn't have drunk since it's my night shift anyway." Again, the hostess noticed that the embarrassed vice-captain was looking at anywhere else but her. He wasn't looking directly at her, but he could see her never faltering smile out of the corner of his eye.

"Actually, there's something else you can do for me, if it's not too much trouble."

The two came to a stop in the middle of the streets that were covered in snow. They were both standing under the street light, and there was a gale wind that blew. Otae stood directly in front of him, looking up at him. The smell of peonies struck him due to the strong wind. It was a kind of situation that reminded Hijikata of romance dramas that he used to chase. Couples loved to stand under street lights and kiss.

The thought of it was absurd, but now as she opened her eyes and watched him with sincere brown ones, his blue eyes slightly widened in response.

"What is it?" It came out more breathless and husky than he intended it to be. He blames the weather. Slight pink tinged her cheeks and Otae watched the ground, fluttering her eyelashes before looking up at him.

"You could…"

A fist came in contact with his jaw, and he felt himself flying through the air once again. Hijikata knew this feeling of soaring through the air. There was only one person who had such brute strength to send him flying with their fists.

"… REFLECT ON YOURSELF FOR SHOUTING AT A LADY, ASSHOLE!"

Hijikata felt his spine ache as he crashed into a lamp post opposite, landing on the ground. The contact with the snow made him shiver, despite the thickness of his uniform. He could feel warmth though, such as warmth from something that trickled down his forehead. Sounds of footsteps approached him and the sweet voice of Shimura Tae bid him a farewell with the sounds of her cracking knuckles.

"You're right, we will stand no chance of being together, Hijikata-san. Not on earth and not in hell, either. Good night."

While the vice-captain applied ointment to his bruised jaw the next day, he made extra sure to avoid Snack Smile in his patrolling routes from then on. To hell with negotiations with anyone even associated to the 'Shimura' family, Kondo could send Sougo to deal with his insane love life for all he cared. He should've known better than to trust that they were going to be in some sort of cheesy drama.

Curse peonies. He'd be careful of any incoming smells of peonies on the streets, too. Peonies were dangerous as hell and not comforting at all. Hijikata knew he had always been right all along – you could never go wrong with mayonnaise.

AN: Hello, thank you for reading once again! Hope you liked it! The fic was a challenge for me but this time I had help from my new beta reader for this series, kurasuchi! Thank you once again, for your hard work you deserve an honorable mention here haha. Oh yes, Tae didn't actually cry there, it's one of her ultimate moves being a hostess.

Bwahaha, a move which Mayora fell for. But I leave it up to you whether you think Tae was actually affected by his words, did the strong Tae feel hurt? Let me know what you think! Anyway, keep a lookout for TamaZaki! It'll be on its way.