3. Chapter Karana & Jihyun - doubts
The next week flew by. Karana was busy wrapping up all of her jobs so she could take a week off. Head over heels, she buried herself into her work. She could not deny the spark of excitement in her heart. She had tried to tease any information out of her friends, but she had no chance. They had way too much fun with Jumin's plan. Everyone of them was eager planning a day for Karana. Actually, it appeared they had started a competition- well, Jumin, Hyun and Saeyoung did. Yoosung was rather amused and Jaehee annoyed. Still, no matter, who Karana asked, no one gave her any clue. At first, Karana had loved the idea, but right now, it was hard being out of control. It made her rather anxious. Jihyun had cut short his practise for the remaining week. He had sensed her struggle and he also wanted to spend the days with her. He had stayed at the lounge, while she was working, and read a book. Jihyun adored how concentrated she typed into her laptop or flew over her psychological textbooks. It was easy to see, how much any project meant to her. Her fiery passion and virtue patience should be a contrast, but they were not. She was able to combine those within her. Actually, it was pretty funny listening what she was mumbling over work. How she valued every word of a lover and assessed if they were too cliché or it should be more romantic. While she thought about every word, her head weighed from one side to the other. Jihyun could not help, but chuckle every now and again.
Jihyun had been relieved that the day after her confession, Karana had been acting normal. She had smiled gently at him, when he brought her breakfast and had kissed her on the forehand. How strong she was. Even after she had left the chatroom, she only had been quieter than usual, but there was no sign of depression. She had rested in his arms for a while in his arms and had allowed his warmth to soothe her. Soon, she had been smiling again, although it had been weaker than usual. First, Jihyun had been afraid she had put on back a masked. Karana had cupped his cheek and had stroked over his face. She had ensured him, she would never hide herself from him. Jihyun's fear subsided, when she behaved like she always did the next days. Her smiled had stayed bright and sincere and never withered. When he had asked her about it, she had told him, she had been able to take a step, Rika never could. She had left her past behind and had chosen the light. The reason had been pretty simple, she had explained. She had needed to shake it off, because otherwise her father would still control her life. It had taken several years, but she had accepted her past.
Right now, Karana stood in front of their bed. A big, blue suitcase rested on the white sheets and she watched it with an evil gaze. Her mouth was twisted into a snarl and if she had any telekinetic powers, it would burn to ashes right now. Jihyun sat in the little armchair they had been able to fit into their bedroom. Karana had been packing and unpacking for an hour and it seemed like she had declared her suitcase as her personal nemesis. Jihyun laughed, when Karana threw a thick sweatshirt out of her suitcase and it sailed through the air.
"What is wrong, love," he asked and tilted his head. Karana looked up and glared at him, because of his amused expression. She was adorable with the deep furrow on her forehead.
"You know exactly, what's wrong, Jihyun," she snarled back, but she was not mad at him. Karana was rather tensed.
"The way you behave, the hoodie dared to pack himself into your suitcase. It loves you so much, it does not want to be apart from you. I cannot blame it."
"Jerk." She gazed at Jihyun through the corners of her eyes. Jihyun laughed and stood up. His white shirt rustled, when he moved over to her and wrapped an arm around her waist. He pressed a kiss to her shoulder and then looked into the suitcase. It was empty again. "Why are you so amused about my misery?"
Still, she rested her head against his arm and his heart skipped a beat, because she still searched his closeness, even if she was annoyed. He smiled fondly down at her and he kissed into her hair, allowing himself to linger a bit longer and breathed in her unique sent.
"Because you are very cute, right now."
"Cute?" Karana raised an eyebrow and looked up at him. He chuckled into her hair and planted another kiss into it.
"Yes, very and I am falling even more for you." The little blush creeping over her cheeks was adorable. Although she was anxious, he could sense her excitement. Jihyun always watched her close and therefore noticed the little jumps in her walk; the brightness in her eyes. Deep down within her, she felt like a child on Christmas Eve. Jihyun was glad to discover this side of her, although she often showed it to Saeyoung. Jihyun and Karana were rarely playful with each other. Their relationship started in the darkest of times and therefore was rather mature. Dealing with Jihyun's insecurity had left rather less space for teasing. Karana knew that. Maybe, now that he felt more self-confident, they could add this aspect to their relation. "It must be hard for you to give away the control. I know, you desperately try to keep control, because you had none for a long time. It shows how much you trust them."
"Rika and you, you have chosen wonderful friends," she admitted with a slightly bitter tone in her voice. Rika still was her bête noir. Karana understood, how she had felt, but not the path she had chosen. Karana knew, she had been mentally ill, but she could not accept to blame Jihyun for everything. On the other hand, although she hated herself for it, she still was not completely sure, if she was just a replacement and she also did not want hurt him. Her hand clenched into a fist. Jihyun frowned, because he did not miss the strange undertone.
"Rani, listen to me." Gently, he turned her towards him and placed two fingers under her chin. With his other hand he grabbed hers and stroked it, until it relaxed. "I am truly sorry, love, that we got to know each other in such a horrible time. I am sorry, that you, of all people, had to go through this, although I believe you were the only one able to go out of this rather undamaged."
Jihyun's gaze was determined. Something, she had barely seen on his face. He cupped her cheek to prevent her from breaking the eye contact. He wanted to solve this out. He would not allow Karana to doubt herself or what she did for him. Never.
"I am so sorry, you had been dragged into this. Between Rika and me. She knew, she would force me to react, when she involves someone innocent." His fingers brushed over her cheekbone. "She wanted to use you to hurt me. She wanted to convince you to join her and I would have to live with the knowledge of not being able to save you."
"Ji…"
"But I am so glad, she underestimated your strength." His expression became softer. "You recognised the darkness, when it tried to sneak upon you. You could not be fooled around."
He sighed deeply and let his head fall for a moment, but he wanted to be strong.
"Rani, I can't say without any doubt, I would have chosen you, if Rika had been normal. I probably wouldn't due to how stubborn I was."
"Wow, that hurts…," she said quietly and Jihyun's heart ached, because of her tone.
"Please, let me talk to the end. I know that my relation with her is a pretty sensitive matter to us and we like to avoid talking about it. I hate that it started that way and I had to say this to you. But, Rani, I feel better with you than I ever did with her. Even before I knew her dark side. We were dependant on each other. I once told Jumin, I only felt complete with her."
"Yeah, he told me." Her voice was a quiet whisper and She lowered her eyes. Jihyun knew, she felt pushed away again. Like she could never be Rika.
"We clang onto each other. We weren't able to be independent persons. We were only working together."
"That sounds like you were soulmates."
"No, we weren't," he said determined. Karana startled and looked back up at him. "It was obsession. Something, I could only realise through you, because you showed me, how true support felt like. You aren't a replacement. You are not my next victim."
Jihyun hated the bitter taste of the word on his tongue.
"I've never said that. But I can't blame you looking for what you found in Rika in someone else. I was the closet and willing to offer you support."
"You sell yourself too short, love. I'm sorry, I made you feel like you couldn't compete with her. The truth is, she couldn't compete with you. I never regretted my time with her. We didn't know it any better then. We've never learned, how love should feel like. But in retrospect, I was chained to her. With you by my side, I was able to get rid of the toxic. I became stronger, brighter and more confident through your support. It felt like you were gently holding my hand, while I was learning how to walk on my own."
His eyes shone bright and lovingly.
"You have never pushed me into doing things, I never wanted to do. You were even willing not enter a relationship with me, because it might be bad for me." He stroked her cheek again. "All you ever cared for was me. I've never experienced it. Rani, you are the best that ever happened to me. I probably wouldn't have chosen you, if Rika had hidden her darkness. But that would have been, because I would have been too stubborn, not because you aren't worth it. It would have been another mistake of me, not yours."
"Jihyun…"
He took her hand and placed it onto his chest. She felt his heart beating fast, but steadily under his skin.
"I hurt, when I think back of the time, but the most present emotion is happiness, because I found you. I leaned on you, yes, but you only hugged me tight to give me strength. I told you, you were the first, who embraced me except for my mother. I…my heart jumped, when you did so. I felt warm and protected. You helped me to become whole again and I've fallen in love with you during this progress." Jihyun stopped his flood of words and looked down at her, watched of her azure eyes stared widely at him, her mouth slightly open. He wrapped an arm around her back and pulled her close. Gently, he tucked her under his chin and closed his eyes. For a while, his thoughts returned to that time. It had been his greatest test and he was only able to pass it because of her. Jihyun was aware of that. "No, actually, I was in love with you right from the beginning. To be honest, I longed to talk to you ever since we started talking, because you made me feel better. That scared me, because it felt like I was starting to make the same mistake again. I felt foolish and tried to withdraw myself from you, but I couldn't. Even though I barely knew you, you gave me strength. You instinctively knew, what I needed to hear. My feelings for you are not a compensation. They are different from those for Rika. They are better. I am better than I ever was before. All thanks to you." He smiled warmly and leaned his forehead against her. "Thank you for reaching out to me and pull me into the light."
"Jihyun…" Karana gulped and tears of happiness welled into her eyes.
"I love you with all my heart. I did choose you back then. Otherwise, I would have chosen to sacrifice myself to save Rika. You made me realise, it would never end. I could never end it on my own. Even if I let her kill me, it would not save her. It must have ended. On that night, when she came to me, I wished her all the best and said good-bye. Even if she were alive right now, I wouldn't go back."
Karana looked up at him and blinked the tears out of her eyes, while her heart hammered against her chest. She felt bad about it, but those words felt wonderful.
"Better now," he whispered and gently poked her with his nose. "Can I hug you?"
"No…," Karana answered. Jihyun's head jerked back and he stared at her with wide eyes. He only breathed out, when she smiled. "I'm going to hug you."
With these words, Karana wrapped her arms around him and held him tight. She could feel his heart jump again and how he relaxed into her. He returned her embrace. He leaned a little back and kissed her, trying to pour all his love into his kiss. Tough, he was sure, he would not be able to.
"I love you, Jihyun. Thank you so much for saying all this."
"I didn't say it to cheer you up. Every word is true, love. So…" He dissolved and wrapped his arm around her hip again. "Let us solve the great puzzle of packing your suitcase, hmm? What is the problem?"
"I have no idea, what to pack. They haven't given me any hint, what they are planning to do."
"It is spring. The weather is rather steady. I don't think you would need any warm clothes."
"Well, it still could be that Hyun decided to take me for a ride on his motorbike."
"He would not do something that dangerous with you."
"Or Jumin could fly abroad with me."
"A bit extravagant, even for Jumin, don't you think?" Karana turned her head and raised an eyebrow in suspicion.
"You read the chatlogs. They're trying to surpass each other in planning the perfect day for me."
"I think, they're rather teasing each other. They would never do anything, you would feel uncomfortable with. They know you well enough to know, both would make you uncomfortable."
"And you know, how competitive they are."
"And they treasure you more," Jihyun insisted and pressed his lips against her cheek.
"Is there any chance you know, what they are planning?" Hope glistened in her eyes and she turned to him.
"Sorry, they haven't told me a thing, because they knew, I would tell you, although it was my idea. Is there anything else I can help you with?"
"Uhm…yes, there might be." She blushed and her fingers twitched nervously.
"Tell me and it will be yours." His voice was soft and encouraging. Actually, he enjoyed giving something to her even if it was just a little thing.
"Could you choose some outfits out for me and I am just going to switch out some pieces? Maybe it is going to be easier, if I have a basis to start with." Pleadingly, she looked up at her boyfriend. He smiled down at her, nodded and pressed another kiss into her hair. Gently, he squeezed her waist, before letting her go. He walked over to their wardrobe. His hand ran over her neatly hung up clothes. His love had a truly incredible sense of fashion. Every outfit she chose was a nice view, even if it was just a jogging pants and a hoodie. Jihyun took his time to assess what kind of clothes she owned. It was not like he did not know every piece. After a while, he grabbed three shirts, two long sleeved shirts, two pants and two skirts. He also picked up a pair of comfortable boots. Karana tended to wear shoes with heels and that might be unsuitable for any outdoor activities. He also took a colour neutral, thin cardigan and a thicker one. Karana watched him and smiled. He was so careful with his picks. It showed her, how deeply he cared for her. He wanted to make sure, she had clothes for everything.
"Hmm…and just in case, this." Jihyun held a lacey, red dress in his hand. He walked towards her and held it against her. "Jumin will likely take you to a fancy restaurant. I love this dress. You look incredible in it. Is it fine with you?"
"Yes…," she whispered breathlessly. Jihyun smiled and put it into the suitcase and stroked it even.
"Any wishes for exchange?"
"No, I think it is perfect." She turned to Jihyun and grabbed his hands. "Thank you very much."
"My pleasure." He leaned in and whispered into her ear: "But you have to choose your underwear by yourself. Otherwise I am going to get tempted."
He pressed a hard kiss next to her ear.
"I am going to make dinner." Then, he hurried out of the room without leaving Karana a chance to answer. She looked after him and then chuckled quietly. Time to get the rest of the packing done.