Red Dwarf Uprising Chapter 02
Chapter 02 Oh what a Big One!
Starbug reappeared with a flash of blue light two million years in the past. An intense blood red light engulfed the cockpit of the JMC transport vessel causing all inside to shield their eyes.
"What on Io is that Kryten, this light is than being stuck behind a fat guy in a thong who's bent over to pick up some change" complained Rimmer.
"Don't worry sir I will try tinting the front window to cut off the excess flow of light in the cockpit" said Kryten.
He was frantically mucking around with the window settings trying to get the right tint it made matters worse that his electronic iris's had gone blind.
"Hurry up bud the blood red is clashing with my baby blue suit" screeched the Cat!
Kryten final found the right tint which filtered out the intense sunlight and the rest of the crew sighed in relief.
"Smirked mode, there we go sir's I used Starbugs auto windshield tint to sever the intense light flow. According to the read out we are a quarter of a light from a Red Dwarf sun" smirked Kryten
The Cat, Lister and Rimmer stared in wonder at the surface the over bloated sphere that was a Red Dwarf Star that could have fit five hundred fifty Earth and a MacDonald's.
"A quarter of a light year, we should have burned up and died like Paris Hilton music career" said Rimmer in surprise.
"True sir but Starbug sensors indicate that this sun has Sun Satellites that are shield us from 95% of the heat" replied Kryten.
"I mightn't be the sharpest tool in the shed -" Lister began.
"Seconded" Rimmer muttered
"- But I don't think I have ever heard of Sun Satellite's" asked Lister.
"They had just finished the project when I left the solar system. Sun Satellites are artificial satellites that manipulate suns through the use of gravity shields and bursts of electro-magnetic pulses. In this case these Satellites are being used to stop the sun from expanding and going supernova while nullifying the sun's gravitational pull" explained Kryten.
"I hate to break it to you but Ice Cube head but you made as much sense as a Japanese VCR instruction Manuel" said the Cat.
"Someone must have put those Satellites up for a reason. Rimmer does a scan for any nearby planetary bodies" asked Lister.
Rimmer bent over his control panel and his face lit up.
"Yes there's a planet the size of King Kong's first dump of the day in quadrant 4" Rimmer interpreted from the many sensor panels in front of him.
The Cat and Lister followed Rimmer's coordinates to an Earth size planet a couple of clicks away from the sun.
"I've logged onto what passes for a network in this system. All I've managed to get form the stupid thing is that this planet is an Earth Colony designated Earth-45. It was first settled in the 42nd century and used mostly for mining" read Kryten.
"Is that it? No fashion catalogues, Facebook or Swedish porn" asked the Cat?
"Yes that's all the data I've been able to gather. Either the network has decayed with age or someone's spilled coke on the servos" Kryten explained.
"Smeg that Network is about as reliable as Wikipedia" complained Lister.
"Judging by the facts I would say that any civilisation on Earth-45 died out long ago. Although the artificial ozone is interfering with the Navi-Com so I am unable to say if there are any people left on the Earth" said Kryten.
Lister looked down at the small Navi screen in front of him and looked up.
"According to the Navi Com Earth-45 has one major city in the northern hemisphere. I think we should check it out there, might be something to pillage down there" said Lister.
We have no idea what destroyed this civilisation or what is down there. For all we know Earth-45 could be home to the Devil and all his fiendish creations. Looking torture, rape and murder any stupid slob that crosses their path. It's the equivalent of sticking your wedding tackle in a lion's mouth and whip his love spuds with a wet towel. I vote we escape the black hole projected suction path in the past and engage the Time Drive for our present" demanded Rimmer.
"But Mr. Rimmer aren't you a little bit curious about what would cause Human Civilisation to collapse? What caused your species to go extinct" asked Kryten?
"That's no mystery, archaeologists from the future probably discovered Lister old apartment and accidently stumbled across Pandora's Box. The only thing powerful enough to destroy thousands of years of human progress Lister's dirty clothes hamper left there to rot for a thousand years" smirked Rimmer.
"Ok let's have a vote then, I vote we go down to the planet and explore. We need to stock up on supplies. We're down to our last 130 curries and I doubt it will last the week" said Lister.
"I agree with Goalpost Head but I'm voting with monkey boy. Orange flares will come into fashion before I agree with Nostrildamus" voted the Cat.
"Sorry Mr. Rimmer sir I have to vote Mr. Lister. He is the commanding human plus I am rather curious about the fate of Earth-45" voted Kryten.
"Fine there be it on your own heads, Kryten go to blue alert" demanded Rimmer.
Kryten flicked a switch and a blue sign which said alert flicked on above Kryten's head.
The Cat flew Starbug towards Earth-45's only city while a bad feeling grew inside Lister's. He had a feeling something bad was going to happen, Lister didn't know how right he was.