A/N: I own Mu, I mean nothing.
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Die Near Die Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
1) Near gets run through with a lightsaber when a Jedi mistakes him for a clone of Emperor Palpatine.
2) At Wammy's House Mello, Matt, and Near come downstairs to greet L who has just returned home from his latest case... chained to another man.
L: Hey kids, this is Light Yagami—your new daddy!
Light: I come bearing gifts! Chocolate and the newest game system.
Mello and Matt: He can stay.
Near: He's Kira.
Matt: [not looking up from his new handheld] So?
Mello: [munching chocolate] He's not killing anybody now.
Matt: L says he doesn't remember or something...
Near: You guys really see no problem with this?
Mello: If L's happy then... Nope.
The new family minus Near are having fun playing Halo together.
Onscreen a fierce battle rages-Red Spartan and Pink Spartan versus Blue Spartan and Black Spartan.
Light: Dammit!
Matt: You know I'm on your team, right? Blowing me up is counterproductive. [Matt says to Light, going crazy with the sticky blue grenades]
Light: I'm not trying to! I just haven't played in forever... shit.
*L and Mello high-five as they win another round.*
Near watches the little surrogate family having a good time and is getting jealous and angry. Finally he can't take it anymore. Near marches over and gives a sharp yank on the game system's power cord—too hard in fact as the cord breaks in his hands and Near electrocutes himself.
3) Idea by Darkfire
Near is rushed to the emergency room upon developing a dangerously high fever and chronic muscles pains.
Doctor House, M.D.: You have Cadmium poisoning. Congratulations.
Rester: Didn't you hear the news about toys from China? Those toys you ordered were recalled.
*Cause of death was Not Lupus.*
4) Idea inspired by Yum Yum Girl
Gevanni, sick of being treated as expendable cannon fodder, or worse the buttmonkey just snaps one day. Fearing for his mental health Gevanni decides to get help, paying five cents at the corner psychologist's booth where "Doctors" Mello and Kira suggest that a prescription of acid... in Near's drink would be the best remedy. Gevanni's strained smile widens as he readily agreed. Near dies a horrible, lingering death.
5) Near, you are far inferior to L. You have NO RIGHT to be wearing a mask of L! Light silently raged as he and the SPK and Japanese Taskforce waited around in the dank, dirty rat-infested warehouse for a half hour...
And one of the rats bit Near and he dies of rabies.
6)
Take 2
Near, you are far inferior to L. You have NO RIGHT to be wearing a mask of L! Light silently raged as he and the SPK and Japanese Taskforce waited around in the dank, dirty rat-infested warehouse for a half hour...
"It's been thirty minutes! No one's here!" Matsuda complained, "Lose the mask!"
Near slumps lifelessly to the floor.
"Near...?" Light asked affecting a concerned tone.
Halle Lidner soon confirmed that Near suffocated under the cheap plastic L-mask.
7 and 8) Idea by Greenkittenkid4 + crazy fanon gone wild
"What's the matter Mello Yellow?"
The little blonde boy sniffled, he didn't even have to look to recognize the voice of Backup or Beyond as he preferred to be called. Mello always thought the older boy was a bit creepy but he was the only one who ever listened...
"It's Near again. He destroyed my school project and made it look like an accident. And he called me a doodie head!"
Beyond rolled his eyes until Mello added. "In front of L."
Well that was a different matter entirely.
Teen!Beyond ruffed lil!Mello's hair.
"Heh heh, don't worry about it. You just concentrate on studying. Near will get what's coming to him sooner or later."
After Mello left Beyond cackled to himself. "Kyahahah. Definitely Sooner."
After a quick trip to the kitchen where he absconded with the strawberry jam, a kitchen knife, and a basket full of apples, Beyond went up to the roof of Wammy's House and put the apples where they would be visible from the sky and shouted "Dad! Get your ass down here you damn, deadbeat Deathgod! I know you're watching!" There was a flap of dark wings and Ryuk alighted on the cross on top of the chapel tower.
"Quit your whining, I'm here! This had better be good..."
"I want to make a Deal... I promise I'll make it worth your while."
Ryuk listened and his ghastly grin widened even further...
Near awoke tied up with Beyond Birthday beating him repeatedly.
"What are you doing?" Near screamed in agony.
"I'm trying to see if it's possible for a human being to die of blood loss without breaking the skin. Teehee," giggled Beyond Birthday. However this sadly ended in failure as Near convulsed, shook, but remained alive. Beyond shrugged got out his knife and proceeded to splash pretty red color on the bleak white canvas...
Near opened his eyes.
"Am I dead?" Near thought aloud as he awoke in a pile of ash, he was in a dark and dusty world… and he was surrounded by monsters.
"Yep!" The many-fanged monster chirped happily. "Hi there, names Ryuk! You'll be seeing a lot of me since I got a special request from a friend of mine that I take your soul out of Mu and torment you for eternity."
"W-what about them?" Near asked nervously of the monsters who were watching and waiting.
"When I told them what I was doing they wanted to help too. They have nothing else to do."
Near screamed as the monsters started ripping him apart.
"You called his friend a doodie head."
9)
Near: Mello, you are a thousand years too early! I will always win, I will always be number one, it's pointless. You might as well quit now.
*Matt is wearing his trademark goggles and for some reason Mello is shirtless and has donned a pair of giant sunglasses.*
Mello (shouting): WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM?
*Summon up a galaxy-sized robot through sheer force of will.*
Mello and Matt start singing: "Yo yo fight the powa! Yo yo fight the powa!"
*Near realizes he is fucked.*
10) Wammy's House, the playground:
Mello: Hey Near, did you hear? Today we're playing dodge ball!
Near: I decline.
Mello: That's okay, you're the ball!
11) Idea by YumYumGirl
"Are you sure that this will jumpstart my singing career?" Near asked as he was about to record a duet with Justin Bieber.
Suddenly everyone present died of heart attacks or drug overdose even if they never ever used drugs (nu wai!).
Meanwhile Light watched the news.
"Hmm…. This "Celebrity Kira" is becoming a problem." The pedo pop star and the annoying guy from the towel commercials he agreed with on general principal but if this continued it would end up pushing people away from Kira.
12)
Mello: [opens fridge] WTF? Where's my chocolate pocky?
Glances over to the couch where Near is sleeping, chocolate is smeared all over his face.
Mello: Hey Near! You ate my fucking chocolate?
*Mello punches Near awake.*
Near: Wha—? What?
Mello: You ate my fucking chocolate!
Near: [not quite awake yet] You put it in there… if you put it in there its fair game!
Mello: Oh really, you know what else is fair game? HiYA!
Near: Ow! What the hell?
Mello: That was a karate chop. KiYA!
Near: Ow! OW! Cut it out, Mello!
Mello: [singing] *With karate I'll kick your ass / from here to right over there…*
Captain Obvious: Never take Mello's chocolate if you want to live.
13)
Meanwhile
Light: Happy birthday, Ryuuzaki!
L: Aw chocolate pocky, Light? You shouldn't have. [They snuggle]
Watari: Ryuuzaki, I'm afraid I have some grave news. Near… is dead.
Light: [thinking] Just As Planned.