A/N: Someone on LJ told me that Miko needs a harem. So... um...

Rodney took one look at the completely blackened bread and tossed it back down onto the table. Ronon was staring at his speculatively, as if waiting for it to grow legs and walk off. As soon as he was satisfied that it had not yet developed sentience, he picked it up and took a bite. To his credit, he had spent seven years living off whatever he could catch, which, more often than not, was Wraith. Burnt bread was probably a delicacy to him, but to a scientist with hypoglycaemia who was used to eating pretty much constantly back on Atlantis, it just wasn't good enough.

It was time to complain.

"This is so unfair," he began, warming up for the rant that was to come. "Why am I sat over here on the peasant's table while my minion over there gets her own fucking harem?" he glared at Miko, who seemed oblivious to his tirade. "I'm at least ten times smarter than her, I don't flinch every time someone asks me a question, I don't burst into tears when someone criticises my work, not that anyone would ever have a reason to do that… where was I?"

Sheppard pushed his chair back far enough that he could rest his feet on the table. "You were listing Dr Kusanagi's faults."

Snapping his fingers, Rodney nodded and tried to slide back into his previous train of thought. "Right. She was lucky enough to be gifted with the ATA gene naturally, but she's scared to use it for anything more than opening doors. I thought Carson was bad, but at least when I bully him, Radek doesn't give me the cold shoulder for two days. She follows me around constantly, like a little Japanese dog. She never-"

Leaning over to place a calming hand on Rodney's arm, Teyla gave him what appeared, on the surface, to be a serene smile. With eyes that promised stick-beatings if he didn't do what she said. "Rodney. Miko has been given the power to have us all thrown into prison. Perhaps it would be wise to stop insulting her."

He noticed that neither she nor Col. Sheppard had touched their bread either. On the other end of the courtyard, a teenage boy dressed in nothing more than a glorified loincloth finished peeling a grape and held it up to Miko in offering. Behind her, two more boys waved huge paper fans to cool her (Rodney's hair was plastered to his scalp with sweat) and seven dancing girls in paper-thin outfits that looked like they could blow away any second twirled around her, the bells on their wrists and ankles jingling annoyingly with every synchronised step. All of the teenagers had impossibly perfect skin and teeth and their hair was the exact same shade of reddish-brown that shone in the sunlight.

Rodney waved a hand dismissively. "Relax, she's too far away to hear me. And besides, this is Miko we're talking about. Everyone knows she worships the ground I walk on."

"Maybe now someone's treating her nicely she'll come to her senses," Ronon said with a mouthful of bread. He'd finished his own meagre portion and had snagged John's. "If I were her I'd have you tortured." He swallowed heavily, forcing the bread down with his throat muscles, and grinned toothily. "In public."

"Fortunately, not everyone is a mindless barbarian," Rodney shot back, stomach churning uneasily at the sight of Ronon eating with his mouth open.

Sheppard bent forward to take his boots and socks off and settled back down again. The bastard looked like he was actually enjoying himself in this disgusting heat, surrounded by disgusting peasants while Miko sat in the lap of luxury a hundred metres away. "You're just jealous coz they picked Dr Kusanagi to be their God and not you," he drawled, lazily swatting at a fly that buzzed around his gravity-defying hair.

"What? Jealous? I am not-" Rodney could feel himself turning bright red, and it wasn't just because of the heat. "It's not my fault these people equate long, dark hair and glasses with omniscience. I'm just glad Kavanagh isn't here – if those boys started kissing his feet like that he'd probably have a heart attack."

"Maybe we should've brought him," Sheppard mused, linking his hands behind his head. "Could've passed it off as an accident…"

"Yes, very amusing Colonel," Rodney snapped. "Can we please stay on track here? We're trying to figure out a way to get Miko away from those dancing freaks so that we can take her home and I can tease her about this forever."

Sheppard raised an eyebrow. "We were?"

"What if she does not wish to be removed?" Teyla asked. She watched as the prettiest of the dancing girls climbed into Miko's lap and started braiding her hair, flirting with her all the while. Rodney wasn't sure, but he thought he detected a hint of jealousy in the Athosian. Miko certainly seemed to be enjoying the attention, if her laughter and the blush that coloured her cheeks were anything to go buy.

"Oh." Rodney found himself staring as the copper haired girl kissed Miko's cheek and jumped up to join in the dance once more. "Good… um, that's a good point." His gaze followed the dancing girl as she gathered her friends around her in a circle and walked forward to take Miko's hand and pull her out of her throne. "Hey, hey wait… where are they taking her?"

Miko was led into the castle that the courtyard belonged to, surrounded by dancing girls. The teenage boys who had been serving her followed at a short distance behind, carrying bowls of fruit and cakes. When the last of the procession had disappeared into the castle, a curtain was pulled shut behind them and five tough looking guards, each carrying a staff in their hands and two swords crossed behind their backs, stationed themselves around the entryway. The rest of the people assembled in the courtyard (commoners down at Rodney's end and nobles further up, nearer where Miko had been seated) began clapping and cheering. A few hats were thrown ceremoniously into the air and there was a scramble amongst the peasants to catch the hats thrown by the nobles.

"Are we… missing something here?" Sheppard wondered, sitting up in his seat and finally paying attention.

Ronon finished off the last of Teyla's bread and grabbed Rodney's with a shrug. "Probably gonna have an orgy or something," he said as if it was the most natural thing in the world. To him it probably was, Rodney thought cynically.

Sheppard shifted his eyes from Ronon to the guarded entryway and back again. "Uh… d'ya think we should… go save her? Or something?"

"She'll be fine," Ronon said, looking at him as if to wonder why she wouldn't.

"It is an honour to be granted the services of the harem," Teyla added wistfully.

"Um… OK then." Sheppard settled back down into his chair, bare feet gravitating back towards the table.

"What?" Rodney stood up, knocking his chair over. "We're just going to leave her to her fate?"

"Sit down, Rodney," John said, grabbing his arm and forcing him back down. "We'll go find her in the morning and take her back to Atlantis."

"But-"

"Let her enjoy herself for once," Ronon cut in, shooting Rodney a glare. The scientist crossed his arms and settled down for a good, drawn-out sulk, letting his mind imagine what Miko was doing right now as how it could have been him in her place.

When they got back to Atlantis, he was so gonna send her to inspect the sewage tanks. Kavanagh would be delighted to have some company.