I Just Called to Say I Love You
By Natasha Shaitanova
Disclaimer: I don't own Stevie Wonder lyrics and I don't own Harry Potter. I do own the insanity you are currently indulging in. Enjoy.
"Harry! This is IT! I've had it," Ron stormed into the Gryffindor common room, dragging him friend along with him by the front of his robes, "If that git gives us another T, I am going to march up to his desk and pour my 'abysmally horrid' potion on top of his slimy head!"
"Ron, you know we kind of screwed it up again…"
"It is the principle of it, Harry! We must stand up for our rights!"
Harry slumped into his favorite armchair and raised his eyes to the ceiling, "What rights, Ron? We have no rights in that class. We are rightless. We are denied rights. We are prohibited by disciplinary normalization from exercising, recognizing, and/or promoting the discovering of a way to establish our rights…"
Ron paused in his pacing and took his hands out of his hair, taking with them small tufts of red, "Harry…that was scary. If you channel Hermione, I swear I will run away screaming and abandon you to her clutches."
"Oh shut up," Harry twisted in his chair until his head hung upside down, "If you want to get back at Snape that much, why don't you prank him?"
Ron opened his mouth to reply, but quickly shut it and tilted his chin in thought. He tapped his fingers on his forehead and spoke up, "You think we could pull it off without being castrated and Avada Kedavra-ed?"
"Who said we?"
"Harry!" Ron gaped in shock, "We are partners in crime! We always have been!"
"So was Hermione, why don't you ask her?" Harry pointed to the girl studiously ignoring her babbling friends as she focused on some complicated essay or another.
"Uh, no. That would be worse, Harry," Ron went back to hitting his palm against his forehead and soon exclaimed (the method must have been somewhat successful), "I could send him a howler!"
"And, what, declare your grievances publicly?" Harry dangled his head from side to side, feeling the blood rush down to redden his frowning face, "That'll just earn you a couple of Crucios before the Avada Kedavra. Or maybe he'll boil you alive in one of his potions."
"Well, what do you suggest, Boy Wonder?"
Harry grinned.
Saturday morning post arrived on time as usual, but no excited hubbub graced the hall as students received their letters. Instead, the hall was deathly silent as a small red envelope fell into the Potion Master's plate and began to smoke slightly. Even McGonagall held her breath and scooted back in her chair as she watched.
Snape stood up, fully intending to take the impudent arrival outside and incinerate it, but the Howler snapped out of his hands as soon as he touched it and formed into the shape of a smiling mouth.
No New Years Day to celebrate,
No chocolate covered candy hearts to give away,
No first of spring, no song to sing,
In fact, here's just another ordinary day.
Silky strains of music filled the hall as Snape stared in horror at the singing envelope. A few Muggleborn students began sniggering in recognition of the song, but it would not be long until the rest of the school caught up.
No April rain, no flowers' bloom,
No wedding Saturday within the month of June.
But what it is is something true
Made up of these three words that I must say to you.
Furious, Snape snapped out of his shock-induced trance, and shot an Incendio at the floating paper mouth. He cursed and ducked as the spell merely rebounded on him.
Gritting his teeth and taking a swipe at the Howler, he could not stop the red blotches appearing on his cheeks as the chorus was warbled for all of England to hear.
I just called to say I love you;
I just called to say how much I care;
I just called to say I love you,
And I mean it from the bottom of my heart.
Harry, who had chocked on his pumpkin juice as he stared at the effect the Howler seemed to be having on their teacher, glanced across the table at Ron.
The redhead seemed to have sunk so low in his seat, his head was barely visible above the goblets and plates. His face was quickly turning an ugly puce and his eyes bulged and watered as his body shook in burst of tremors.
Harry blinked, "You alright there, mate?"
Ron's eyes seemed to go in and out of focus as he quietly answered, "Hee-hee-heeeee…"
And Harry left it at that.
No summer's high, no warm July,
No harvest moon to light one tender August night,
No autumn breeze, no falling leaves,
Not even time for birds to fly to southern skies
Snape glared at the school body as bursts of giggles sprang up with growing rapidity and volume, causing the envelope to strain to yelp out the lyrics above the noise (with it succeeded at doing quite admirably).
The last straw came as Dumbledore began humming merrily to the tune, eye twinkle turned up all the way to Level 5 tm, otherwise known as Stare-And-Be-Blinded-As-I-Emulate-Hiroshima-And-Nagasaki.
No Libra sun, no Hallowe'en,
No giving thanks for all the Christmas joy you bring,
But what it is, tho' old, so new,
To fill your heart like no three words could ever do.
Baring his teeth savagely, Snape considered marching over to the Gryffindor table and simply strangling the two infidels with his bare hands…or maybe turning them into rats and giving them to Filch…or perhaps portkeying them to Guantanamo Bay…
But no, he could hear the crescendo of humming, giggles, and envelope-warbling rise to an ear-splitting level and with reddened cheeks and ears, he turned tail and swept out of the hall, his long black robes strangely lacking their usual flair.
He swore he heard Dumbledore cackling cheerfully as the Howler bobbled through the air after him with its parting words.
I just called to say I love you;
I just called to say how much I care;
I just called to say I love you,
And I mean it from the bottom of my heart.
And so Ron fainted from deoxidation.
A/N: Yeah…well it was about time I gave Snape a chappie. There will probably be a more flattering one, but this idea definitely bit me in the censored and refused to let go.
Review because somewhere deep down you honestly feel sorry for our affection-deprived pseudo-vampire.
-Shaity out.