"You know, the very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. They don't alter their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views, which can be uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering."

The Fourth Doctor, Doctor Who.

Chapter 3: Pigs and Pugs

The guard towers of Okibi loomed over Naruto. He leapt down from the treeline and stopped in front of the entrance, frowning a little in concentration. His chakra cloak glowed brightly in the falling darkness. There wasn't a single person in this city who could sneak up on him now, not while he could feel their chakra signals stretched out before him; the thousands upon thousands of dim civilian chakra systems, weak and untrained, only made it easier to pick out the shinobi signals.

There were a few chunin level ninja in the towers. Naruto could feel their chakra spike as they spotted him. He heard shouts and two jounin level signals came from a nearby building, alerted by the cries. None of them were familiar so he continued to look for the bright and cold rumbling chakra he associated with Kakashi. He found Sakura's steady, warm chakra first.

He smiled a little. They were in the centre of the city, where the palace had to be. Sai was there too, his erratic chakra pulsing in the darkness in a way that told Naruto he currently had a jutsu activated. Naruto nodded to himself and dropped his chakra cloak, ignoring Kurama's disappointed rumble. The jounins from before were already heading towards him.

"Hey there!" One of them cried out, a woman with steel-coloured hair and an eyepatch. "State your name, rank and business, shinobi!"

A few of the chunin came up behind the jounins, their eyes wide. "Hey, isn't that-" One of them murmured.

Naruto nodded at them. In any other situation he'd have smiled, but he was here for business. "Uzumaki Naruto, jounin, I'm here to see Kaka- the Hokage," He said. "I heard about the attack,"

The jounin blinked. "Attack? What attack?"

"There's been an attack?" A small redheaded chunin exclaimed. "We haven't heard a thing!"

"Ehh? I heard K-the Hokage was attacked, so I came straight away! Don't tell me that was a prank-"

The jounin shook her head. "We haven't heard from the Hokage or their party since their arrival- if there was an attack they've been keeping it under wraps. But if they asked for you to come here, it must have been serious,"

Naruto's face heated up. "Well, they didn't specifically ask for me, but.." He rubbed the back of his head and improvised. "I'm part of team Kakashi, so I was supposed to come anyway!"

Better hope they fell for that- they did. The woman nodded. "I'll take you there right away. Ibuki, you take charge here while I'm away," She told the other jounin. "I'll send a message when I know more."

The other jounin saluted and ordered the chunins to go back into the tower.

"My name is Tomoe, Naruto-san. I'm the head guard and the one who led Hokage-sama to the palace earlier. There were no signs whatsoever that there would be an attack, and everyone seemed relaxed. What did they say had happened exactly?"

Naruto shook his head grimly as they jumped onto a nearby roof and quickly made their way through the city. "They didn't really say anything other than that there had been an attack. I'm as much in the dark as you guys. But if something really happened to Kakashi-sensei, then I have to be there,"

" 'Sensei..?' Ah- that's right, you were his student."

"Yeah. We're a team. We have to stick together," Naruto smiled a little and balled a fist. "Even if he's Hokage now, we'll always be team 7."

"He must be happy to have such loyal subordinates," Tomoe said. "I only met him once before this, but he was only a child at the time. He's grown a lot,"

Naruto thought about the masked boy he'd seen in Obito's memories, the boy who'd always followed the rules and bad-mouthed anyone who didn't conform as well. "Yeah, he's changed a lot." He said fondly.

"The palace is around the corner," Tomoe said, changing the subject. Naruto could already see it, its dark silhouette outlined by the lights of hundreds of lanterns hanging from the walls. Wow, it'd be a pain to be the guy who had to light all of those, but it looked absolutely beautiful. Maybe when he was Hokage he'd make them do something similar for the Hokage Mountain. Turn it into a genin mission, like catching cats and plucking weeds.

Tomoe wasted no time talking to the guards, but immediately led Naruto in until they were near the guest quarters. "I can't go any further in, but it's not far from here." She said. "Just go to the right and follow the hallway until you get to a wall decoration of a bonsai tree. There you go the left until you find a green door, and that's it."

"Uhhhh, right, bonsai tree, green door. Okay. Thanks, Tomoe-baa-san!"

"Baa-san – what..?"

Naruto ran into the hallway before she could say anything else, his heart racing in his chest. If Kakashi had actually… died- or if he was doing really badly, surely they would have said so in the message, right? They'd have asked for medics, not Ino. Why had they asked for Ino, anyway? She was part of the Torture and Interrogation squad. Had they already caught the guy who'd done it?

Naruto clenched his eyes shut. "Hmmmm." Too much thinking. It didn't make any sense. Who'd want to attack Kakashi anyway? And who could even get close enough to him to try? Kakashi was always on guard, even when he looked relaxed- not even Naruto could sneak up on him.

Doesn't make him immortal, kid. Kurama said. You should already know that, after Pain did him in.

"Oh, shut up," He did not need reminders of that day, not now. "I saved him back then, I can do it again."

A chuckle. I don't doubt it. Kurama said.

Naruto grinned. "C'mon old fox, I know you like Kakashi-sensei too, even if you won't admit it. We find him, kick some bad guy's ass, and go home safe. How about that?"

…Sounds good to me, Naruto.

Naruto spotted the bonsai tree decoration- man, couldn't she have told him it was incredibly ugly?- and rounded the corner, only to run almost directly into Kakashi's back.

"Wha-" Naruto narrowly avoided throwing himself face-first into the red 'Rokudaime' symbols on Kakashi's back and landed clumsily on the ground.

"Naruto? What the hell are you doing here?" A familiar voice said.

"Ehh, Shikamaru? I could ask you the same thing!" Naruto exclaimed.

Shikamaru pinched the bridge of his nose. He always did that, for some reason. "Because it's my mission to be here. Now why are you here?"

"Because of Kakashi-sensei! I heard about the attack- I had to come see!" He grabbed Kakashi by the shoulders and turned him around, inspecting him from up close.

Ah-Naruto, that's not-

Naruto ignored Kurama. Kakashi-sensei had a habit of hiding injuries. The best way to check was to see for himself. Arms, legs, chest.. Kakashi wasn't bleeding and all his limbs were still there. He didn't seem hurt at all! Relief crashed over Naruto like a wave, until-

"Ah- are you finally going to admit you're in love with me, dickless?" Kakashi said.

What. What.

"Ehhh? What the hell! Why would you say something so- Sai-ish!"

Well, I did try to tell you. Sense his chakra, Naruto!

Naruto did. "Ah-" He pointed at Kakashi. "You're Sai! You're not Kakashi-sensei at all!"

Yamato-taichou seemed to come out of nowhere and clasped a hand over Naruto's mouth. "If you say that any louder our ruse is up! Come on, let's go back to the room!" He ordered Shikamaru and Sai, who nodded curtly and went through the hall.

"I'm sorry, Naruto. We'll explain when we get there, but right now I need you to be quiet-"

"Kakashi-dono was attacked?" A thin voice asked behind them. The ninjas whirled around to see a small man with a puffy face and large, stupid eyes, accompanied by a small blond servant. "But he looks just fine! Is that why you left to get some air earlier?"

"Daimyo-sama, it's not what it looks like-" Yamato-taichou tried, but the Daimyo interrupted him.

"Oh no, oh no! Attacked in my palace! The disgrace! Oh dear, oh dear- we'll provide the best care possible, of course-"

"Daimyo-sama, if you'll permit me- we'd like to keep this under wraps for now," Yamato-taichou said. He sounded a bit like he used to when he had to explain something to Naruto for the third time during training. Naruto was glad the tone wasn't aimed at him for once.

"The attack is a secret for now. Kakashi-sempai is alright, but if people find out about this there could be problems. Please- if you could return to your usual business and not tell anyone, we would be much obliged."

The Daimyo nodded quickly, his head bobbing up and down fast enough that his hat wobbled a little. "Of course! A secret, yes- we must keep it a secret." He gave them a conspiratorial look. "You can trust me, of course, captain! And my trusted servant,"

The servant nodded slightly.

Guards," The Daimyo beckoned someone just out of Naruto's sight and a pair of guards appeared, both looking slightly flushed. "You can take me to my rooms now," The Daimyo said. "Miho-chan has already gone, so I'd like to go now,"

"Yessir!" The guards threw him a quick salute and then they disappeared as quickly as they'd arrived.

"This is bad.." Shikamaru said. "I wouldn't trust him to keep a secret if his life depended on it.."

"At least it seems more likely that he wasn't behind it," Sai contributed. "Although he wasn't really smart enough for that in the first place,"

"I don't understand what's going on. Who attacked Kakashi-sensei? And where is he, anyway?" Naruto said.

"Inside, I said!" Yamato hissed. "It's bad enough that the Daimyo knows about it in the first place, we don't want anyone else knowing,"

He steered Naruto through the hallway until they spotted a green door. Someone was whistling on the other side, and when they opened it they found Genma, lounging on the bed. The sheets were rustled but Kakashi-sensei was nowhere to be seen.

Sakura popped her head into the room from an adjacent room. "Ah, you guys are back! Ehh- Naruto?" She hopped further into the room, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear. "What are you doing here?"

"Never mind that, what's going on?" Naruto exclaimed. "Where is Kakashi-sensei?"

"Oh, he went to take a shower," Genma said. He sat up slowly. "He was feeling a bit better, so we thought it'd be okay."

Sakura crossed the room towards Naruto and gave him a relieved smile. "I'm glad you're here, though. We could use some help. Long story short, Kakashi-sensei was poisoned during the official dinner a few hours ago. I managed to prevent lasting damage, but.. well, we have no idea who administered it to his food. And worse yet, we don't have an antidote," She chewed on her lip. "I placed a seal to halt the process but I don't know how long it will hold. And when it breaks.." She looked down.

Naruto swallowed. Poison. That was.. that was horrible. Someone had tried to kill Kakashi-sensei in the most cowardly way possible. His mind conjured up an image of Kakashi bent over and coughing, but he pushed it away quickly. "But you've got an antidote back home, right?"

Sakura shook her head. "I've never seen anything like this poison. Not even Sasori's was like this. He's been in there for an awfully long time, though.." Sakura trailed off.

Next to them, Sai dropped his henge with a soft pop and rolled his shoulders. "Now I've been Kakashi-sama twice in one day," He said.

Naruto scowled at him. He hadn't quite forgotten Sai's earlier remark. "Why were you dressed up as him in the first place?"

"Well, the first time was to avoid suspicion when Kakashi-sama was poisoned. He couldn't just not go back to the official dinner," Sai said. "The second time was because the Daimyo invited me- Kakashi-sama- to a late night cup of saké."

Shikamaru sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed. "Which was a nightmare," He added, looking thoroughly drained. "My theory is that he just wants to be able to boast to his friends that he hung out with the Hokage. Not that he'd need to, being Daimyo himself."

"But what it really came down to is that they made me do mokuton tricks," Yamato-taichou finished with a roll of his eyes. "I swear, if anyone asks me that again-" His eyes widened and his face contorted- Naruto quickly looked away. That look still gave him the creeps.

Naruto glanced at the bathroom door. The shower was still going.

"Genma-senpai, would you mind checking up on Kakashi-sensei?" Sakura asked. "Or you, Naruto?"

Genma went over to the bathroom and rapped his knuckles on the door. "Oi, Kakashi? Are you alright in there?"

The only sound was of rushing water. Genma frowned and knocked again. "Kakashi?"

Naruto's muscles tensed. What if the seal had already broken?

Kid.. Use your chakra. The person in that room is..

Naruto raised his hand in the Ram seal just as Genma opened the door. The special jounin stuck his head around the corner. "Kakashi..? Wha-"

Naruto's chakra flared as he stretched his senses.

"It's a clone," Naruto concluded, a mere second before Genma pulled his head back and said "He's okay-"

There was a brief silence as they processed the two different messages, then they turned towards the bathroom as one. "But then.. where is the real one?" Genma asked carefully.

"Err.." The clone's voice came from the bathroom. "Well, would you look at the time. I really do need to be off now- Bye!" Naruto lunged towards the bathroom to stop the clone, but it had already disappeared before he could reach it. He skidded over the wet bathroom tiles before he could stop himself. He groaned and looked up carefully. Above him, the bathroom window was wide open.

He'd done it again.

Hatake Kakashi had left the premises.

A few minutes' run away from the official guest bedroom, Kakashi winced as his clone popped. Damn, he'd been discovered. By Naruto, of all people- had Sai sent him a message too? Or had Naruto just.. pulled a Naruto, for lack of a better word, and found out somehow? That seemed like something he would do.

The ventilation shaft he was in was narrow, but large enough for him to comfortably move around in. He frowned a little and sat back on his haunches to think. He should have told the clone to reply to Genma, but for some reason the clone hadn't been as stable as his usual kage bunshins.

Well, not really 'for some reason'. He knew perfectly well why. His hand hovered over his stomach for a moment, before quickly moving it away again. He still felt a bit queasy from eating the nutrients bar almost an hour ago now, and he suspected the feeling wasn't going to go away. Not unless Sakura found an antidote, anyway.

Which only confirmed that his time was limited. And if he really did have a few hours or days left at most, he was not willing to spend it sitting in the Daimyo's guest bedroom like an invalid. His legs and arms were still strong, his head was clear; there was no reason not to participate in the investigation.

Well. Except perhaps that he was the target. But in that case, getting away from his team just meant there was less of a risk to their safety.

He shook his head. They wouldn't agree with that. Frankly, he wasn't sure whether he believed it himself; he'd always believed in the importance of teamwork. But he'd just had to get out of that room. Away from the fearful looks.

Back to the matter at hand. Kakashi shifted quietly, glad he'd gone through the effort of dressing in his uniform pants and shirt again. Once on his hands and feet he began to crawl through the ducts. It was lucky there had been one in the bathroom, all things considered. It hadn't taken him too much effort to climb up once the clone had helped out, and he'd even left the window open as a false trail. They'd think he had jumped out, when in reality-

Why hadn't he just told them, anyway?

Well, it was too late to go back now. They'd be angry, for one thing. And the ventilation shaft was too narrow for him to turn around. He'd have to shuffle backwards, and how awkward would that be?

Now, how to find the Daimyo's chambers? It had been fortunate the man had been so vocal about where he was going- better yet, that he had also revealed his wife Miho was there as well, and that Kakashi had had the luck of being right above them at the time.

He'd managed to follow the Daimyo for a little while as he moved to his chambers, but at some point the ventilation shaft had diverted from the hallway and he had no longer been able to track the Daimyo's retinue.

And really, the trouble of ventilation shafts was that while you were in one, you couldn't exactly stick your head out to see where you were going. Chakra sensing was not much of an option either, what with the Daimyo and his wife being civilians with underdeveloped pathways. Not for the first time, Kakashi found himself thinking longingly of the Byakugan eyes.

But there was no need for jealousy- if you didn't have incredible eyesight or chakra sensing, that still left several other senses.

"Smell it is," Kakashi muttered, pulling a kunai from his left boot and cutting his thumb open. Moments later, the chagrined but familiar face of a pug looked up at him.

"Boss?" Pakkun looked around warily. "Where are we?"

"A ventilation shaft in the Daimyo's palace," Kakashi replied as he tucked the kunai back into his boot.

There was a moment of silence. Pakkun's frown deepened. "Do I want to know?"

"Probably not. Listen- I need you to smell out the Daimyo's rooms. I brought this-" He pulled out a letter the Daimyo had sent before the visit, and held it out before the pug's nose.

Pakkun gave him one more sceptical look before obediently bending his nose towards the paper and sniffing. "Hmm. 'S not easy. Lots of smells in here," He grunted. "But I think I'll manage. And you're in luck, too,"

Kakashi frowned. Pugs shouldn't be able to grin so maliciously. "Why?"

"You won't have to crawl backwards,"

"Ah. Lucky indeed."

The dog snorted in amusement. It was the closest thing he could get to laughing with his dog vocal chords. "Let's go,"

The ventilation shafts seemed to go on forever. Crawling through them had been boring enough when Kakashi had been alone, but now he was also treated to a particularly un-glamorous view- Pakkun's behind.

"Did you know your tail looks very strange if you look at it for too long?" Kakashi grunted, nose wrinkled in dismay. That was not the only bit of Pakkun that looked very odd if you looked at it for too long. Or if you looked at it at all.

The dog grunted back, not deeming it worthy of a reply.

"Are we at least getting close?" Kakashi tried.

The dog walked a little bit further. He could stand and walk with stretched legs, at least. Kakashi repressed the ridiculous urge to feel jealous of a tiny pug before he almost walked straight into Pakkun.

"Why did you stop?"

They had reached a crossroads of sorts- one ventilation shaft leading to the right, and one straightforward and then curving to the left. Pakkun had stopped in front of them, and now comfortably sat down in the middle. There was no way to tell from his body language which direction Kakashi ought to take.

"Because we're nearly there. But first I want you to tell me something," Pakkun said gravely. "When you became Hokage you promised me and the boys you'd stay out of trouble, yeah?"

Kakashi nodded reluctantly.

"So why exactly is it that you've now summoned me in a ventilation shaft in the Daimyo's palace- while you reek of poison and illness?"

Someone could have dropped a pin.

Oh. Of course.

"Pakkun-"

The dog shook his head. "No excuses. Just tell me- why are you here and not in a hospital bed?"

Kakashi sighed and dropped his head to avoid Pakkun's gaze. "Because I'm the Hokage. I'm supposed to be the strongest, but I'm not- I get poisoned at a formal dinner," He smiled wryly. "That's bad enough. I can't spend the rest of the day in bed,"

Pakkun's face softened a little. "Idiot. You have nothing to prove to any of these people."

Kakashi shook his head. "That's not it. I know their opinion of me is… way higher than I ever expected."

"So what, then? Who are you so eager to please?"

Kakashi chuckled. "No one. But there's at least one person in Konoha who doesn't think I'm suitable to be Hokage."

A growl. "Who? I'll bite them."

"Me."

Pakkun's eyes widened. "Damn it boss, you should know better than to go endangering yourself to prove you're a good Hokage! There's a reason no one else doubts you, you idiot!"

Kakashi shook his head. "That's enough, Pakkun. Just tell me where the Daimyo's chambers are."

Pakkun sagged forward a bit. "No fair, boss. I'm not done talking with you yet." Despite his words, he pushed himself back onto his paws and took the shaft to the left. Kakashi followed him carefully. From now on, they could no longer talk to avoid detection.

That suited Kakashi just fine. Things got way too personal way too fast.

The shafts rapidly grew narrower, to the point where Kakashi had to lie on his belly and tiger the rest of the way. Fortunately he didn't have to go too far before he heard a familiar voice below; the Daimyo.

Kakashi smiled a little, but he wasn't quite there yet. He pointed his right index finger at the steel below him and channelled pure lightning chakra into it. Once it glowed he pushed it against the steel- and then through it. He smirked and carefully drew a circle with his finger until he could carefully lift a circle of metal out. Rudimentary ninjutsu, but effective. He could now see dark shapes below him- the room was badly lit. Perhaps they were already preparing for bed.

"-is why I'm saying it doesn't really matter," Miho's voice drifted upwards, and one of the dark figures climbed onto the bed. "Either way the man behaved like a pig-"

"Miho-chan," The Daimyo whined. "He's a hero! No matter how he behaves-"

"And then that one-trick pony of his. Yamato? You'd think the man was a fighter, not a circus artist. We've seen his little live-botany trick often enough now, thank you."

"Miho-chan.. I thought it was fun,"

"You would," Miho replied, voice dripping with venom. "It was unbecoming of an official visit."

"A bit of informality now and then doesn't hurt!" The Daimyo replied, and for once Kakashi found himself agreeing with the man. "You know me, I'm not one for all the.. all the.." The second figure gesticulated wildly. "Manners. It was all drilled into me since I was a little boy, but now I am Daimyo so I can choose what I want to do. When we have children-"

"We're not having children. How often do I have to explain?"

Kakashi quirked an eyebrow. That was.. unconventional, for a Daimyo and his wife.

The Daimyo ignored her. "I have always made it a point not to force that sort of thing on my children, and look how they turned out!"

"Not as bad as they could be, I admit," Miho sounded reluctant. "But regardless of that, I suppose it should be expected from a Hokage. No matter his skills he is no noble. Nor was he raised as one. Is he even from a clan?"

Ah. Well. Kakashi had suspected the pig in question was him, but now it was confirmed. How very flattering. Next to him, Pakkun snorted softly.

"Ahh, no- Kakashi-dono is the only child of Konoha's White Fang. Prominent family, yes, yes, but very small."

It had been a clan once, a long time ago. But the only remnants were an ancient clan crest and Kakashi himself.

"At least if he had been a Hyuuga we might have expected something, but he's really nothing but a brutish warrior, isn't he?" Miho continued.

"Well, I don't think that's quite how shinobi work.."

"But essentially they are. Always fighting. I bet your 'Kakashi-dono' could fight before he could write."

Kakashi had been able to sign his name and write simple words, actually. Though admittedly his handwriting was atrocious to this day.

Miho's chakra flared in agitation. Kakashi tilted his head a little. In children, that was a sign they were capable of learning to become shinobi. In adult women.. But she couldn't be. For a moment he wished he had his Sharingan again, consequences be damned- just so he could see her chakra signature.

The figure he now recognized as the Daimyo crossed over to the room and started massaging the other's shoulders. "Now, now, my wife; either way they'll all be gone in a few days' time. Or maybe earlier, if what they said was true."

Miho tensed. "What did they say?"

"Why, that the Hokage was attacked!"

"What?" Miho said sharply. "Attacked? I thought he- is he alright?"

"Oh yes, he was walking through the hallways. A bit pale, perhaps- oh, and that lovely Naruto boy was there too," The Daimyo said warmly.

"That explains it.." Miho said quietly. "When he came back into the room.. Never mind. We should sleep- it is late."

What had she seen or thought when Sai had entered the dinner room? Disappointment that her assassination attempt had gone wrong? Or.. Kakashi's frown deepened and without knowing it the tight control over his chakra slipped a little.

In the room below, Miho shot up like an arrow and looked directly at the small hole in the ceiling.

AN:

Wow, thanks for the amazing reception and reviews:D

Quick note to Yuu101cutie: I did get your reviews! I love that you're already speculating about who is behind it, but of course I can't go into too much detail So I'll just say one of your guesses was sort of in the right direction- but you'll have to wait and see which one!