Like all other parents who learned about their pregnant teenager, they were shocked. When I admitted the truth, looked into their eyes and told them I was going to have a baby…they beat their eyelashes a few times. No surprise.
My dad turned stern, his face crinkling up even more than it was already at his age. Being kind of rebellious, I knew the look. Only this time, it was intensified. It burned into me.
Shit.
"Nikki, we must prepare!" my mother screeched, sounding eerily like a crow.
"Whoa!" I yelped as she abruptly grabbed my hand and dragged me to the car. "Where are we going, Mom?" That's when I noticed my heart beating like crazy; what did she plan to do with the kid?
"Preparations, child! Crib, food, supplements!" She jabbered, starting up the engine. Apparently, my mom was REALLY motivated to get out and, er, 'prepare'. What was this; some kind of ancient Chinese ritual I haven't heard about yet?
"Don't get so excited that you'll leave without me, Mom!" I rolled my eyes, buckling up in the passenger's seat. Why are you so nonchalant all the time? This is actually sort of serious, Nikki…, my conscience decided to shame me a bit.
Oh, shut up.
**
At every single red light towards Galleria, I caught my mom's eyes scanning my body. Only if she could see the way my heart was pounding, stomach churning and the blood pulsing in my feet. They hurt already.
"You are having girl." She spoke in a flat, serious tone. Well, that's…interesting?
"How did you figure that out?"
"You already have glowing shape. You must be having a girl."
"At which point did I start glowing, Mom? Has being pregnant turned me into a light bulb or something?" I couldn't help myself. Really, it was something tough to understand; how can a person glow on a rainy day like this? How can you have a halo around your body when you're puking constantly? Yuck.
"Trust in me, Nikki; you glow." She smiled at me for the first time since she drove out of the house's driveway. Still, I didn't believe that crock of crap. I could smell like roses and have a boy, for all anybody cared.
None of my choice was in the matter; my mom was doing all the work like she was getting her own baby. Fine by me, I thought, only my feet ache, my stomach hurts, I probably look fat right now…and for some weird reason, I ended up crying in the middle of Toys R Us.
As I looked around, people were staring at me; even wide-eyed toddlers raised their eyebrows.
"Oh, Nikki, come on, let's go home…" Mom's voice appeared, her hand taking mine and leading me outside into the pouring rain. It beat against my skin, soothing the burn I hadn't known was there until then. I was relieved for no more than 20 seconds until my mouth flooded with saliva. I knew what was going to happen; I swallowed it all down rapidly, one flood at a time.
My mother led my hand across the street like she would when I was in kindergarten; Jen and Jonesy tagging along by my side. They weren't here now, but they would be tomorrow.
But what if they won't?
Just that thought led the onslaught of saliva into throwing up in the parking lot. My mother must have noticed me trying to hold back the rest: "Nikki, honey; just let it go. It's natural to be sick right now."
Oh, it better be! was my one thought while I caught my breath after that very last dreadful hack. This kid is killing me already.
"We're going home right now. Do you want anything around here before we go?" My mother offered as I cleared my throat and headed with her to the car.
I sighed. "Maybe I should go see Jonesy. Can you drop me off there?"
It was her turn to sigh. "No. Food that will be good for you and your daughter; that's what was meant."
"Who knows if I'm having a girl anyway?"
"Because you get emotional and glow all over, you must be having a girl."
I rolled my eyes. More bullshit in the meter, huh? Whatever you say, Ma. "But really, Mom, I need to see Jonesy."
"No; you need rest and relaxation, Nikki."
"I can get that there, Mother; just let me see him! You ARE aware that this whole thing is his fault, too, right?!"
Oh wait. She probably doesn't. My heart started pounding again and the nausea came to another slope upwards. Couldn't you have been QUIET?!
I looked at her; she suddenly looked frail and full of sadness. "Oh. I see."
"What's the matter, Mom?" Though I meant to sound a bit stronger than her, my tone was meek and scared.
"Nothing is wrong, child. I just never thought you and your friend were so close…" Her eyes welled up with the strongest pain I had ever seen them in.
But yet, I was angry. What was her problem? "Do you not like him or something?"
"No!" She called loud enough to make me jump in my seat. "No…" she repeated much quieter. "The memories all but haunt me right now, Nikki. It was like you two were just little children in primary yesterday. Now…now you two are having a child? It's not right. It is all a dream, child. I know it."
I was silent. For some reason, I knew I should have just been quiet and let her talk to herself.
"Okay. Okay." With that, the car turned around towards the route to his house. Suddenly, I didn't want to go anymore. My heart was blazing with what wasn't quick anger anymore, but an unbelievable amount of love. I didn't know why then, but later as I recalled, it became clearer. The void of anger or shame towards the whole situation, me, Jonesy or even our child, she had shown the rawest of emotion.
As a mother now, it comes even clearer. That raw sheen of sadness in my mother's eyes was the pain and yet the prides of seeing that part of you go, and finding it was never at all you. It was finding that that part was a person that you saw yourself in; only they had their separate pains and aches, laughter and joy.
Though I hadn't known nearly as much then, I cried for what I did know: my mom had a sad, dark tunnel for eyes now. It was only when she pulled over that I realized she was crying just as much as I was. Her arms pulled me into her side; my face buried into her chest as I bawled.
"I shall always love you, Nikki; I shall always love you." She repeated over and over again. More than any other time in my life, I believed it.