Chapter 3: Waking

There's something about falling in love…the forging of a new language between souls. It's a language that encompasses the whole person. And while words are exchanged, something happens with the words. They are joined with the language of the body, the ways of touch, the binding of tastes and scents, the intricacies of tone and the unmistakable new depths in the lover's eyes. And once those things are learned, they are always remembered…even when the love has faded…perhaps because love never truly dies…

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It was the first time since his capture that Byakuya remembered waking and not being in some kind of restraints. He imagined that it really made some kind of sense. Submerged beneath the sea of drugs they pumped into him and surrounded by so many illusions that he couldn't tell up from down, he was likely to injure or kill himself even if he managed to get onto his feet. Because he couldn't trust anything his senses told him. And that made the world around him a horrendously dangerous place.

Aizen wanted him to be afraid…

But Aizen Sousuke seemed to have gotten tremendously careless. Though his powers remained sealed away, his body lay in what appeared to be the healing center in the fourth division…and there were no restraints…and his head felt clear. His vision was no longer blurred and distorted.

He might have been tempted to escape, but before he could move, a sharp pain in his abdomen dragged a gasping cry from his chest. He sat up and immediately doubled over. And while he sat, bent over forward and clutching his midsection, it occurred to him why the pain was there.

Oh kami, not again! He'll kill her this time…

The misery of what was happening set him in motion before he quite knew what happened. He was on his feet and moving toward the window. Halfway there, he realized that his legs no longer buckled beneath him when he walked. Adrenaline took over, making his heart race wildly and carrying him forward, out the window and onto the ledge. He was amazed at the detail in this illusion…the chill in the air, the clarity of the sky and clouds…He felt tears in his eyes.

I must have made him furious, losing his child again. I told him that it wouldn't work…that not even his illusions could overcome the basic facts of how a noble male's reproductive system works. It is more than an act of will. I only managed it the first time because I was desperate to hang on to some part of Renji when I was captured. He can pretend and set up all of the illusions he wants, but we will not be successful…and because of this, he will kill her. He is going to kill Akane. Perhaps he already has…I don't feel her reiatsu anywhere…That must be it, then. He killed her and locked my mind away here as punishment…and still, when he is done punishing me, he will force me to try again. He doesn't understand at all…

And suddenly, he couldn't stand it anymore. He looked down. If only he knew how far away the ground really was, he could be sure. But…if it turned out to be an illusion, he didn't want to hear that sadistic laugh, and that soft, condescending voice reminding him that there was no escape. He heard a voice that sounded like Rukia's somewhere nearby and felt a twinge of pain inside, wishing he could see her again…wishing he could see Renji…Even if Akane was gone, his friend, his lover had a right to know what he had done in those first hours after he was captured. His reproductive system had only awakened when his heart sensed the threat to his life…and when he realized that his body had initiated the creation of an heir, he remembered too, that Renji's seed was still inside him and was viable. So when the spirit chamber opened, he sent both reiatsu inside and felt them bind together. Having a child might have been instinctive on his part, but having Renji's child was a way to bring himself hope. And just birthing the child brought hope of rescue…after all, the elders would sense it…and it would renew their efforts to find him.

But no one had found him in the days, the weeks, the months, the years after Akane's birth…and he had only been allowed to hold her once before Aizen took her away. He had seen her on a few occasions after…when Aizen was pleased with him for one reason or another. She knew who he was…he knew, because once when she had seen him, she had held out her arms and called to him. So he knew what her voice sounded like…that her eyes were like his and her hair and face were like Renji's…but softer…

Tears ran down his face, but it didn't matter anymore. He was going to end the illusions, the emptiness, the manipulations, pain and heartbreak. Akane was gone. Aizen had probably killed her long ago…and he had been seeing illusions those other times. It would be just like him to do something like that. But it wouldn't happen anymore. He wasn't going to be recaptured. Whether he stood on a ledge in the desert or one in the Seireitei, the fall would take the pain away. Then there would be no more of Aizen's horrid touch, no more of his soft, hateful voice, no more lies and empty promises, no more false hopes.

"Byakuya," said a soft voice, "Why don't you come back inside. It's cold out there."

The voice was calm and warm, filled with concern.

So he knew not to trust it…

His eyes lifted and he looked into the brown eyes of a man he didn't know.

It's only Aizen Sousuke, playing one of his games…

"Come, Byakuya, you don't really want to stay out there, do you?"

I don't believe you…

"Nii-sama, please…" Rukia's voice sobbed, "Come inside, Nii-sama."

He closed his eyes against the sound of her voice and felt tears rising again. He didn't want Aizen to see how much he was hurting…how much he longed to really see and hear and touch these familiar others, the ones who he had clung to all of this time…

But thankfully, he doesn't know about Renji…despite how close he came to guessing when Akane was born…

"Taichou."

This voice was closer…and too familiar…too desired…and Renji called him just Taichou this time.

Does he know then? Did he figure it out? Kami, what will he do to us if he knows?

"Taichou, take one more step and give me your hand."

It cannot be, of course…and if he knows now, he will take away my last anchor. How in kami's sweet name will I know what is real and what is not? I really will go insane…

"Taichou…I'm right here."

A hand was extended and reaching for him. He caught Renji's scent on the breeze and looked up at him. The redhead had come out of a window ahead of him and stood a short distance away with a hand cautiously extended.

Then…the distance to the ground is enough to be dangerous, perhaps deadly…

"Be careful, Taichou. It's a long way down and your powers are still sealed away."

He looked into Renji's eyes and felt a numbing shock.

I always thought that if I saw my lover's eyes again that I would know instantly if they were real…I…they look…but can this be? It has to be a trick of some kind. They cannot be Renji's eyes…but they're so warm…caring…loving…depthless, just the way I remember them…

He choked back a sob and inched away, aware that there wasn't a great deal of space between him and the ones behind him. He was trapped between them and had to make a decision…

"I will take a step in your direction…and if indeed, you are my fukutaichou, then you will release the seal on my powers. That way, if I fall, I can catch myself."

"I don't think that's such a good idea," said the other brown-eyed man, "You are disoriented and in need of treatment…Come inside, Kuchiki taichou."

His voice was still soft, but there was an undercurrent of tension.

"I wasn't speaking to you," Byakuya said coldly, "Now…if this is really Renji, he will prove it by releasing the seal on my powers."

He inched toward Renji and heard Rukia give a short, frightened cry.

"Be careful, Nii-sama!"

"Easy Taichou," Renji said softly, "Just one more step."

"Just one more step now."

Aizen's hands held him tightly and urged him forward. He shivered at the other's touch, but he was so pathetically weak and he couldn't see properly. He had no choice. He knew where he was being led and couldn't bear the thought of what would happen when they reached the bed. He tried to force the strong emotions down, but they seemed to boil up from somewhere beneath his skin and sent cold chills up and down his spine. He felt his knees touch the edge of the bed, then he was forced down onto his stomach and his wrists and ankles restrained in a way that left him unable to move more than an inch in any direction. The position wasn't painful, but what came next would be…

The sudden shock of being roughly penetrated brought a short gasp from his lips before he could quite contain it. Sharp teeth scraped against his flesh and his captor's mouth clamped down and sucked hard…but after the initial shock, he had been able to distance himself. He held still, barely breathing and turned his head aside…looking at the sword rack. He could barely make out the shape of Senbonzakura…sealed away and probably screaming for him…locked within the grip of Kyoka Suigetsu and suffering as much as he was.

Aizen's body gripped his tightly and he felt heat sear his insides. Then his captor fell heavily down onto his back, panting against the flesh he had tormented and sending fresh chills through Byakuya. He laid there for some time after, slowly licking the soft skin along the back of his neck and saying words Byakuya didn't care to hear.

"Taichou, are you all right?" Renji's voice asked softly, "You seemed to go away for a moment. C'mon, take my hand, okay?"

Byakuya's eyes met his coldly.

"I know you heard me," he said quietly, "If you are Abarai Renji, then prove it by releasing me."

"I can't do that…your counselor says it's too dangerous."

"Hmm," said Byakuya skeptically, "More dangerous than falling?"

He moved his feet closer to the edge.

"Taichou, please don't…don't go any farther. Look, I'll release you…just…just give me your hand…please. I don't want either of us to fall."

Damn you for looking so like him!

His eyes held Renji's and he slowly lifted a hand in the redhead's direction. Renji gave him a relieved smile and reached out to him, capturing the pale hand lightly in his.

"Release the seal on my powers, Renji," Byakuya said firmly, "or I will go no farther."

Renji lifted Byakuya's hand to his lips and kissed it gently.

"Come inside," Renji whispered, "I've missed you so much. I just wanted to sit and talk with you for a while. I could make us some tea. Come on."

His eyes on Renji's, he stepped toward the open window. Renji slipped inside first and leaned back through to bring Byakuya along with him. He was ready to step through when the ledge suddenly gave way and he felt himself begin to fall.

Renji gave a frightened gasp and grabbed wildly at his hands, holding his wrists tightly as his body dangled in open air beneath the window. Byakuya looked up into his lover's eyes.

"Hang on…I'll pull you up…on three…One, two…"

"My hands are slipping!"

And inexplicably, his hand tore free of Renji's…He felt himself falling in slow motion, then suddenly it registered that Renji had released him from the seal on his powers. He flash stepped madly, catching one ledge, then bounding to another, then flash stepping to the ground.

But he didn't stop there…

He ran from that place, flash stepping down the streets of the Seireitei as fast as he could, knowing that if Aizen followed, he couldn't keep up. He gained the gates of Kuchiki Manor and leapt over, crossing the gardens and disappearing out the back gate as quickly as he could move. He could lose himself…if he reached the waterfall and the land beneath it, he could conceal himself in the trees…

But his breath began to ache in his lungs. It had been too long since he had used any of his powers. He couldn't keep moving at that speed. He slowed as he neared the waterfall…and heard flash steps behind him.

He stopped caring about what he was doing to himself by continuing to move at flash step speed, forcing himself forward until he couldn't draw breath anymore and his chest burnt with trying. His head swam and he was less than surprised when hands took hold of him and brought him down into the long grasses just short of the waterfall. His breath released in hard, painful sobs and he continued to fight the hands that held him, ignoring all of the voices, even the ones he knew.

They are a lie…

"Taichou," Renji called out breathlessly.

He turned away.

"Back the hell off! I have him! Just give us some space here, okay?"

He dropped to his knees and pulled Byakuya close. Red hair danced on the breezes and tickled Byakuya's skin as they sat, catching their breath.

"Why did you do that?" Renji whispered against his cheek, "Why did you run like that? I told you it would be okay. Why don't you trust me?"

A needle pricked his skin and Byakuya jumped to his feet, pulling free of Renji and backing away, his eyes wide and flaring. Renji leapt to his feet and turned on Hiromi.

"Why the fuck did you do that? You didn't have to do that to him?"

He turned back to Byakuya, advancing slowly as the noble backed away, swaying dizzily.

"I knew it was a lie…" Byakuya hissed, his eyes losing focus, "I knew not to trust you!"

He started to fall and felt warm arms wrap around him.

"Taichou, I'm sorry. I didn't know he'd…"

The voices were fading away again and he felt the familiar numbness take hold of him.

It wasn't real…It wasn't real…

He had to keep reminding himself, because some part of him remained aware enough to feel Renji's arms holding him, to catch his scent on the breeze, to hear the soft, apologetic sound of his words. They were moving more leisurely, now that they had him under their control again…and now that the drug had taken control of him, he couldn't fight back…couldn't run…couldn't do anything.

He wondered why Aizen hadn't shifted back to his own form and begun to laugh at his pathetic attempt to escape. He wondered what punishment he would suffer.

He felt himself being lowered gently onto the bed he had occupied in the healing center, but this time, soft, but sturdy restraints wrapped around wrists and ankles…and a third strap was secured across his torso.

"Do you really need to do that to him?" Renji's voice said from far away.

"You need to stand back," another male voice said firmly, "You could have gotten him killed, you know. I think you'd better reconsider your behavior, Abarai Renji, or you will not be allowed anywhere near him."

"R-renji?" Byakuya managed in a fogged whisper, "Renji…don't go…"

A warm hand slipped into his.

"I'm not going," he whispered back, "no matter what anyone says, I'm staying with you, Taichou."

It was a dream, he knew…but it was all that he had left, so Kuchiki Byakuya held on to it for dear life.