Bank Job

Morton was still running around in the fields like crazy, laughing wildly and jumping up and down in a hyper-active state. All of a sudden he started coughing and hacking violently, as though he were choking on some sort of blunt object. Morton abruptly vomited on the ground again and started breathing heavily. When he stopped to collect his breaths, his eyes turned dark green and his teeth suddenly got sharper than before. He started growling and hissing like Flippy from Happy Tree Friends, just when Flippy was starting to flip out. Morton grunted as he dug inside his shell, pulling out two MP5K submachine guns. He suddenly laughed evilly and began to walk to the Koopa International Bank of Security…

Meanwhile…

"Dad, what are we gonna do?!" asked Iggy.

"Hey, you guys OD'd your brother; you figure it out." said Bowser.

"But they're your pills Dad! You've been taking drugs behind our backs just to enhance your power!"

"Are you talking about those red pills in my bathroom?"

"Yeah."

"Those are laxatives!"

"WHAT!!" shouted Roy, Lemmy, and Iggy.

"We OD'd our brother on laxatives?!" asked Roy.

"Why do you guys think Morton just took a gigantic shit a couple of minutes ago?" asked Bowser.

"I thought that was a side-effect!" said Iggy.

"You can't take the laxatives unless you're constipated or else the pill's effects will backfire and could mess up your whole body!"

"I'm guessing Morton wasn't constipated…" concluded Lemmy.

"No shit Lemmy."

"But the label said they were morphine pills!!" yelled Iggy.

"Do you seriously think I feel no pain when I take a shit? Those type of laxatives make bowel movements feel like you're getting high so you don't feel anything; you're just sitting on the toilet." said Bowser.

"Dad, why do you even have a packet of laxatives in your bathroom?"

"ISN'T IT OBVIOUS?!!"

Morton entered the Koopa International Bank of Security wearing this mercenary gear and a khaki shell with spikes. He changed his appearance so that he looked like some badass mercenary koopa. Koopa International was filled to the brim with dark koopatrol units wearing red spiked shells.

"Hey, Morton. How's it goin'? Need anything?" asked a guard standing at the door.

Morton slowly turned his head towards the guard with this oddly wicked smile on his face. He was breathing heavily to the guard.

"WHEW! Besides any breath mints?" said the dark koopatrol, holding his nose.

Morton took out a knife and sliced it in the air at random, putting the knife back into his pocket. There was blood on it, but none of the other guards seemed to notice. The guard's head suddenly slid in half and fell on the floor, with blood squirting out the top.

"What the fuck?!"

Morton shot the other guard at the door several times in the stomach with his MP5K. He laughed evilly and jumped on top of a desk, cocking his submachine guns. All of the employees began to storm out of the bank while the dark koopatrol units took out their guns and started shooting at Morton. A couple of the bullets hit him in the face and chest, but due to the side-effects of the laxative, he felt no pain. Morton laughed evilly again and blasted away two dark koopatrol units with his shotgun. Then he broke another unit's arm and stabbed him twelve times in the mouth. Morton then jumped on a table and started to spin around, shooting his guns in various directions, killing most of the guards.

"Anyone else want some?" he asked.

Morton breathed heavily and looked around the bank, noticing all the guards were full of bullets…except for two. Both of the last guards were on their shells, unable to get up and avoid Morton.

"Wait…just wait a minute Morton. WAIT--!"

Morton stabbed the subdued guard in the throat and tore it out with his teeth, chewing on all of his carotid arteries. Then he growled and walked over to the other subdued koopa and stomped his head into the ground, crushing it into nothing. Morton stood on one of the counters and kicked the glass pane, revealing an accountant crouching behind the counters.

"Wh-What do you want from me?"

Morton gazed at the guard with that devilish smile still on his face. He inhaled sharply and exhaled some of the blood out of his mouth onto the guard, giggling to himself.

"I need you…to open up the vault…so I can take all of your cash."

"I-I can't--"

Morton abruptly vomited all over the koopa, coughing up some blood and inhaling sharply again.

"Open up the goddamn vault!"

"Okay."

Morton was inside of the gigantic vault, collecting thousands of bundles of money in a money sack with a dollar sign on it. The accountant that helped him open up the door was lying inside the vault…missing half of his face. Morton decided to tear it off his with claws.

"So Morton, you having fun bro?" asked Roy.

Morton grunted and turned around to see his father and three brothers inside the vault.

"Looks like you've been having a nice field day, but it's time you come with us." said Bowser.

"NO! This pill makes me immortal! See, look! LOOK!!"

Morton started shooting himself in the head, amazed that none of the bullets killed him.

"Look, that pill that you swallowed? It's a laxative." said Iggy.

"Bullshit. The packet said--"

"The laxative that you swallowed is only designed for organisms that are constipated and have problems with bowel movements. If you're not constipated those laxatives could fuck up your whole mind man." said Lemmy.

"What?! I got all this power over a goddamn laxative!" said Morton.

"Pretty much."

Morton held his head and started screaming, until he jumped off the wall and threw himself out of a bank window.

Bowser sighed. "Is there any point in chasing him anymore?"

"Well, now that I know he only swallowed laxatives, I feel a lot relieved now." said Iggy.

"He just shot up a bank and viciously killed all the guards inside; I think we should be worried." suggested Roy.

"It's acting like a drug. Sooner or later, all drugs make you feel like shit after you've taken them. We'll probably find him at some bar all depressed and drunk, hopefully passed out on the floor." said Iggy.

"What do we do until then?"

Iggy shrugged. "I dunno. Let's go watch the Super Mario Strikers game. I hear Wario's getting's his ass kicked."