Promise not to hate me, this chapter gets a little dark.

Mega thanks to greenyoda987, as usual. I'm glad you understand what I mean, even when I don't.

Garrus didn't dare leave the mess hall, sitting silently at the communal table with his eyes fixed on the angry red lock of the med bay. Confusion and fear permeated every fiber of his being and he couldn't shake Shepard's empty look from his mind. Where had that come from? He knew—he knew—it had something to do with her nightmares. Why hadn't he pushed her harder to tell him? When has she ever done anything she didn't want to? Damn her stubbornness… He forced his eyes shut, feeling his retinas start to protest after staring at the door for so long, and laid his forehead on the tabletop. How could he help her if he didn't even know what was wrong? What could be so wrong that she wouldn't tell him? The questions flooded his brain, leaving his thoughts swimming in doubt, and a mournful trill escaped him. This was his mate, and there was nothing he could do…

"Garrus?"

Chakwas's quiet voice made him jump; his knees slammed into the table and a startled yelp escaped him. She gave him an apologetic look and he rose slowly, careful of his spurs and now-aching knees. A glance told him that the med bay was locked again and the privacy shades still drawn; so why was the doctor out here?

"Shepard is fine," Doctor Chakwas said, anticipating his question and falling tiredly into the seat across from the one he'd occupied previously. She rubbed her eyes with the heels of her palms and Garrus waited for her to continue, every nerve in his body burning to see Shepard. The doctor gestured for him to sit again and he thought about refusing, but the exhaustion on her face told him that arguing would be cruel. "How much do you know of the Commander's service record?"

"That she grew up on the colony out on Mindoir until it was attacked. When the Alliance finally came to offer relief to the survivors, she decided she would enlist when she was of age, and she did." Why was the doctor asking him this? But she was nodding, so he continued, "Before she joined N7, her squad was on Akuze investigating the colony after it went silent. Thresher maws attacked them in the middle of the night and slaughtered her squad; she was the only one left."

"Except Corporal Toombs."

"Right." Garrus paused and leaned forward, elbows resting on the table, "Karin, what does this have to do with what happened today?"

The doctor sighed heavily and rubbed her temples. "As you can guess, both of those events were very traumatic, both physically and psychologically. More troubling is that these events, along with other… issues, have made her very psychologically fragile. The beacon on Eden Prime, her resurrection… Those did not help." She let her head fall back and continued, voice strained, "I know she probably wouldn't want me to tell you this – not to mention I'd have my license revoked if the Brass ever found out – but, Garrus, I don't know what else to do. I'm worried about her; she's not getting any better. And I believe you have a right to know, in your position," her eyes met his and she gave him a pointed look. What does our relationship have to do with this…? "Garrus, you need to understand what we are dealing with, so maybe you can help… or at least, so you don't accidentally make it worse." Garrus stared at her, eyes wide, waiting, as she tried to compose herself.

Shepard wrapped her arms around her shins, burying her face in her knees. Tears burned in her eyes but she refused to cry. Don't cry, don't be a bitch. Dr. Chakwas had been patient in calming her down, speaking quietly and reassuring her that she was safe. It was embarrassing, to be talked to like a child, yet she had been consumed by such blind terror…

She shook her head and sighed. She'd have to apologize to Vega for his face. Damn it, she hated apologizing. It's your own fault for asking him to spar. Well, that was true. She slowly stretched her legs out in front of her on the bed, letting her hands fall to the sheets. Pensively, she clenched them between her fingers, feeling the pleasant scratch of worn cotton against her skin. The familiar stab of terror and pain struck her, but she took a deep breath. Karin said I needed to work though this, that I needed to move on. She briefly thought it over, counting the years since basic…had it really been over ten years? That long… But even with the barriers she'd built since then, she couldn't seem to ever get over it… How could it be that easy? Everything she knew about herself had changed in an instant. She wasn't even sure she remembered who she had been before… She exhaled and let her head hang, tucking her chin toward her chest.

She'd walked through the base with a cool confidence, putting a slight sway in her hips as she headed back toward the women's bunks. Her hair had been long then, hanging in a ponytail that brushed the space between her shoulder blades, and she'd smudged some make up around her eyes. In truth, she liked the appreciative looks from the men, the jealous glares from the other women. It felt nice to be wanted, to be noticed at last. A small smile pulled at her lip as she strolled through the otherwise empty corridors. Joining the Alliance Navy had been better than an orphan could have hoped for.

She rounded the corner, arms swinging with her hips and ran into a solid body, nearly falling if not for the arm that wrapped around her torso. She scanned the face of the soldier now holding her and her brow furrowed slightly. She didn't recognize him, but that didn't really mean anything; she barely knew the faces of her unit, let alone the rest of the fresh recruits.

"Um, thanks," she finally said, blushing and moving to push away from him, but his grip didn't loosen. Her stare hardened and she scowled, but the man only smirked.

"Can't help but notice you, walking around the way you do," the unnamed soldier said quietly, eyes sparkling. Shepard raised a brow and made another attempt to escape—the look in his eye was not one she wanted to find out the meaning of—but she was trapped. Damn being so small. She'd hoped military training would put some muscle on her body, but that was proving to be a near impossible task.

"Ok… Well, thanks for the… compliment but I really should—"

"But we're just talking." Every word coming out of his mouth was putting her on edge and her heart began to slowly speed up. This was more than talking, that much was clear, but she wasn't about to fight someone twice her size. When she spoke, she chose her words carefully.

"Then you won't mind if I excuse myself from our conversation? I have to report back to my CO." It wasn't a complete lie, but he didn't need to know that. Mustering all the strength in her body, she gave him a rough shove and he staggered back a step, enough to let Shepard move away from him and start back the way she had come. Don't run, just act like nothing's wrong. A sharp tug on her shoulder spun her around and she came face to face with the soldier again. She tried to glare threateningly but he only smiled, and it was not a reassuring smile.

"That would be awfully rude sweetheart. Why don't we go talk somewhere private?"

Every part of her screamed no, but he already had a vice-like grip on her arm and had towed her back toward a side room. The door hissed open and he pushed her in ahead of him, slapping the light control as the door locked them in. She whirled on him, expression promising murder.

"What the hell is your problem?" she snapped, taking a defensive step back. She couldn't handle him in a fight, but she'd been told that she had a way with words. Maybe she could talk her way out of this. Whatever this was.

"My problem is a hot piece of ass parading around like she owns the place." He advanced a few steps toward her and she backed up, not liking the predatory gleam in his eyes. "And I'm not the only one."

What—

She felt something at her back and spun, facing another unknown man in uniform. Fuck. Her heart kick-started, threatening to pound out of her chest and she held up her hands. "Look, this is a mistake. I'll just go and we can forget this ever—"

"I don't think so," the new man drawled, arms crossed loosely over his chest. Shepard turned so the wall was at her back and tried to keep an eye on both of them. She didn't like being outnumbered, and definitely didn't like being cornered.

"I'm warning you, let me out of here or—"

"Or what, kitten?" She scowled and the man who had dragged her in laughed. "You're not so much."

Shepard froze, feeling like ice water had been injected into her veins. You're not so much. She felt like the floor had been pulled out from under her. After Mindoir, living two years in limbo before the Alliance would take her, that statement made her feel like a child again. Nothing. She was nothing. What good could a nobody from a backwater colony do for the Alliance? Her arms fell back to her sides slowly and both men laughed, causing her to lower her gaze to the floor.

"That insecure, Private?" the second man asked, tracing a hand up her arm, and she flinched away. With a growl, he grabbed a handful of her ponytail and pulled, jerking her head back. She winced and reached for his arm, but her other captor grabbed her wrists. "Ah ah, you've got to follow our orders now, since you're so good at that. Right, Private?" When she remained silent, he swung, the back of his hand striking her cheek hard. "Right, Private?"

She grit her teeth and took a shaky breath through her nose. "Touch me again and I'll scream."

This earned another merciless laugh and her eyes flashed. Weren't they afraid of being caught? She opened her mouth, but a rough palm wrapped around the lower part of her face and she struggled, causing both men to hold her tighter.

"Now now, none of that," the one holding her wrists chided, roughly maneuvering her so she was sandwiched between the two men. She thrashed against them, but made no progress in escaping. "Just play nice, kitten, and you'll be fine."

The threat underlining his voice made her tense. Fuck. She knew where this was going, knew exactly what could happen to her. She'd heard stories… Reports lost, demotions for women who complained, ridicule… Damn it, she'd joined the Alliance to do something good, to make something of herself, not… Not this.

"Wait… Doctor," Garrus interrupted, an uneasy feeling settling into his gut, "Shepard wouldn't… Why didn't she fight them off?" Shepard was a capable soldier. Fighting off two men didn't seem like something that she couldn't handle.

Dr. Chakwas looked up from the spot on the table she'd been staring at, meeting his eyes for the first time. It was difficult to think about Shepard's secret, even harder still to reveal it to someone else, even someone the Commander trusted implicitly. Garrus's face showed no disgust, no anger, only confusion and she laced her fingers together, setting her joined hands on the table.

"She was barely an adult by human standards. Her entire family and most of her colony had been wiped out only a few years before. Whether she was aware of it or not, she was exceptionally vulnerable—both physically and mentally—and others took notice of it; in some cases, took advantage of it. She sought approval from anyone who would give it – I think she was simply trying to find someplace to fit in since her family was killed – and her attitude earned her a bit of attention." She looked back down at the table. "These men…they forced themselves on her against her will."

"They… What?" Garrus stared at her blankly, trying to piece this information together in his head. How could they… Surely there were safeguards against this? Turian women would close themselves off from unwanted contact; if they were unwilling, then that was the end of it. Surely there must have been… As if on cue, he remembered the softness of Shepard's body, the smoothness and fragility of her, and felt his chest tighten. A heavy sense of dread settled over him and he felt like he might be ill. "Dr. Chakwas, please don't tell me that – " he couldn't finish the sentence and his subharmonics began to warble with horror.

"I'm afraid so. Unfortunate as it is, it is far too common a situation for military women." She wouldn't meet his eyes, staring at her fingers as she wrung her hands. "Garrus, I want you to realize that what I am telling you goes against doctor-patient confidentiality. This isn't something I do lightly; I need you to understand that. I could lose everything for even telling you about this, let alone going into detail. But I thought you should know because if anyone can help her, it's you. Don't make me wrong."

Shepard carefully loosened her hold on the sheets, trying to restore blood flow to her whitened knuckles as she leaned her head back against the wall. She had been stupid. She never should have let them get her alone, never should have let them get inside her head. She never should have stopped fighting them…

You can kill yourself over "shoulds" and "woulds" and "ifs" but that doesn't change anything, the rational part of her brain scolded. And yet it all seemed so… flawed. All of the things that had gone wrong, that she could have done differently…

Her screams echoed in her head but didn't reach the world beyond as she struggled against the hands holding her down. Her uniform hung open and she could feel hands touching her, exploring like she were meant to be a lover. But she kept her eyes closed tightly, the side of her face grinding into the ground, trying to imagine that anything else was happening, trying to leave her body.

Like Mindoir. Go somewhere else.

The hand over her mouth gripped tighter and she could taste sweat from the man's palm on her lips, dragging her back to the present. The arm across her shoulders pressed her harder against the ground, making her wince at what would probably be bruises on her collarbones. She tried to buck the man on top of her off, but he merely laughed, forcing her legs apart with his knees.

"Just relax, kitten. I'll make sure you like it," he hissed in her ear, making her try to jerk back. His hand reeled back and she braced herself as well as she could. But when the blow came, it still took all of her will to hold down her whimper of pain, her face smashed against the cold concrete.

Just survive. That's what they always tell you to do: survive. Live through this, and deal with the fall out later, just survive. Desperately, she tried to forget what was happening, tried to be anywhere other than within her own body, but it was all but impossible. She could pretend she was anywhere else, but she couldn't stop feeling: breath on her neck, arms holding her down, knees pinning her legs… Pain shot through her and she tried to arch away, tears pricking her eyes. Every second felt like agony, made worse with every effort she made to struggle; she could hear the soldier on top of her grunt and swear as he used her, but it sounded miles away under the roaring of blood in her ears. A laugh behind her sounded even further off.

"Is she just as good as she looks?" She felt like she was drowning, and the words were reaching her at the bottom of an ocean.

"Better." With a final groan, he finished and she thought she would be sick. Her body felt like it was no longer her own, like it was trying to eat itself from the inside. She wanted to curl up and die. "You should try her."

Please no. She tried to protest, pulling futilely against the hands on her, but again she was ignored, her cries muffled, forced back into her own mouth. Her body ached and she prayed to whatever being that would listen that they just left her.

"Don't mind if I do."

"Doctor, I can't… I can't hear this," Garrus finally interrupted her, head in his hands. He was shaking, eyes forced shut in an effort to block out the images in his head, but they wouldn't go away: a young Shepard, full of life and unhindered by her command, the faceless men holding her down, the light leaving her eyes, the empty expression he'd seen in her shower. His subharmonics were a mess, his emotions tangling in a forlorn trill, and he couldn't seem to get them under control. It all felt so… wrong. How could this be allowed to happen? Was there really so much wrong with the galaxy that this was common in the human military? He'd seen some horrendous things during his time with C-Sec, but he'd always attributed that to the scum that lived on the Wards. Never had he imagined that military men – honorable men, fighting for the greater good – could do such an abhorrent thing. How could they just force themselves on someone… on her? A low growl started rising in his chest and the images burned themselves into the front of his mind: Shepard struggling, fighting against two larger men, not being able to protect herself, eventually just shutting down… Shutting down… His mind flew back to that morning when he'd been more aggressive, pressing her up against the wall. Spirits, he thought, Was that why she started crying? Did I remind her of…them? A sick, disgusted sound trilled from his subharmonics and he had to resist the urge to blast himself out of the airlock. She thinks I'm a monster.

"Please, just tell me that they were arrested. Tell me that they suffered," he finally said, voice low and shaking, disgust and anger warring in his mind. He couldn't believe that he may have already made this worse – that he might have reminded her of the worst moment in her life. Exactly what Chakwas had wanted to prevent. A shudder wracked his body, knowing that this was in part his fault. He was supposed to make her happy, not make her accidentally relive such a sickening moment when he was trying to be intimate. He wanted more than anything to find the men himself and kill them, slowly and painfully, to make them wish they had never laid eyes on her. No one had the right to touch her without her permission, not Shepard. She was his partner; he was the only one who could touch her… And now you've gone and touched without her permission. He scrunched his eyes at the wave of nausea that threatened to engulf him. He didn't mean to, he wasn't like those men! Spirits, does she hate me now? When he finally got the courage to look up at the doctor, she could see everything he was wrestling with: pain, anger, despair… guilt.

Dr. Chakwas looked away, blinking as a tear slid down her face. "I never knew about any of this until Shepard was stationed on the SR-1; all of the injuries you lot sustained gave me a lot of time to study her medical records and scans. Some things… Some things couldn't be explained by the previous injuries in her file. I finally asked her about it shortly before Nihlus was assigned to the ship, but she deflected. I kept asking until she finally opened up and told me the story after an… incident."

"Incident?" Garrus asked cautiously. He wasn't sure how much more revelation he could take, and the way the doctor said 'incident' made his stomach turn. Please tell me this didn't happen twice…Not while I was so close.

"She returned to the ship and almost destroyed the crew bunks. The Council's dismissal when they first accused Saren had set her off and she had returned enraged. Everyone was worried and she was confined to my medical bay until she had calmed down. I had been putting together theories about the… physical abnormalities, and the psychological break she had shown at being rendered powerless gave me enough information to push her into telling me the truth." She let out a long breath and finally looked back to Garrus, looking years older. "She didn't know them, didn't know their names. If she ever found out, she either accidentally or intentionally forgot it; more than likely, she repressed it as part of a defense mechanism. I begged her to press charges, to describe their faces so Alliance Command could find them, but she refused. She was afraid of being ostracized, ridiculed, or even blamed. The system is not kind to women who file this kind of complaint and often victims suffered more than the perpetrator."

"That's… abhorrent."

"I never said it wasn't."

"So they got away with it." His voice was flat, but his eyes sparkled like fire. They promised murder.

Dr. Chakwas nodded slowly and Garrus noted that she looked just as despondent as he felt. Footsteps caught both of their attentions and they looked toward the elevator in time to see Victus round the corner. The Primarch stopped mid stride, turning his head slightly and Garrus realized Victus was listening to his subharmonics. It was useless to try to quiet them now, so Garrus just turned back to the table, mandibles tight to his face. Victus raised a browplate and looked to the doctor for some kind of clue, but she carefully stood and moved back toward the medical bay, mumbling something about wanting to check on Shepard.

Well, that was less than informative. But the sounds coming from Vakarian were telling, if not confusing. Whatever they had been discussing, it involved Shepard and Garrus looked ready to eat his gun. And based on the sounds he was making, the two were related, if not causative.

"What did you do?"

Garrus was on his feet and in the Primarch's face before Victus could blink, a growl tearing from his chest. His talons flexed at his sides and the Primarch stared at him, obviously surprised by the blatant show of challenge and insubordination. He would have been well within his rights to put the soldier down, but… Garrus's gaze was unseeing, the anger and pain there directed somewhere far away. Victus held up his hands in silent appeasement, stepping around Garrus and sliding into the doctor's abandoned seat.

"Talk. It will help."

"How would you know?" The words were spat with such bitterness that Victus paused, mandibles twitching as Garrus began to pace. "How could you possibly understand?"

"Because I had a mate too, Vakarian," Victus replied, crossing his arms loosely on top of the table. "And believe it or not, I was in your shoes once."

"I highly doubt that, Sir." Garrus paused his pacing and stared at the medical bay windows, Victus following his gaze.

"She's in there, isn't she?"

"Yessir."

Victus gave a small grunt and looked back to the younger turian. "I heard there had been a… problem. Is she alright?"

"Are you asking because you care, or because you need her to save Palaven?" Garrus asked, looking back to the Primarch. He knew that his tone was disrespectful, but talking to Victus about his relationship with Shepard was not something he felt would improve his mood.

"Both," Victus replied casually, giving a small shrug. "It would be foolish not to be concerned. That being said, you look ready to rip someone's throat out. It's the same look Shepard had this morning." Garrus visibly wilted and his tone softened—only slightly—and he added, "You do know the damage that this much stress can cause."

"I'm aware, Sir." Garrus replied tightly.

"Good, then come spar with me. I haven't had a good match in ages. My men were always too scared to fight their commanding officer, but you... Well, we know what you think of rank." Victus rose and started for the elevator, not giving Garrus a chance to refuse.

"This all started with sparring," Garrus muttered, casting one last look back toward the medical bay.

"Then end it with sparring," Victus replied, "You need it." Garrus felt the sudden urge to punch Victus, but carefully reined himself in as they boarded the elevator. Maybe he was right…

Shepard looked up as Dr. Chakwas returned to the medical bay, worry etching lines in the older woman's face. Shepard quickly scrubbed the tear tracks from her cheeks and managed a weak smile.

"Doctor," she managed, voice cracking slightly. She rubbed her chest absently, trying to dispel the lingering feeling of pressure across her shoulders. She hated the feeling of powerlessness, of helplessness, that it left her with. Having an arm or a leg pinned was one thing, but her center was another matter; it left her unable to fight back. Her eyes narrowed slightly and she shook her head to clear it. Stop it. Stop thinking about it.

"How are you feeling?"

"You're kidding, right?" Shepard replied bluntly. She swung her legs over the side of the bed and set her elbows on her knees, staring down between her feet. "Doc, you know what this is all about. We've been through this. I'm a mess. Psychologically damaged." She spat the last two words and Chakwas could see her fists clench. "I feel just as fucked up as you think my brain is. Worse, probably."

"Shepard, I wish you would talk to me about it."

"Why? I already told you what happened. Two soldiers cornered me in a store room at basic, raped me, and left me there crying and shivering. And when my CO asked why my face was bruised from where they hit me, all I could say was that I fell down." She let out a heavy sigh, visibly slumping; even with just the small change in posture, she looked smaller. Her normal barriers had been whittled down that day and Chakwas could clearly see the broken shell of the young woman Shepard had been, slipping out from behind the façade. "It was twelve years ago, Karin. Talking about it won't change what happened."

"But you could still report the men who did it. At least make sure they face justice."

Shepard's eyes flashed and she slid off the bed, her boots hitting the ground with a quiet thump. "No. I didn't do it then and I won't do it now."

"They can't reprimand you now, Commander! You're a Spectre and humanity's hero! You won't be punished, or blamed!"

"I said no!" Shepard growled, moving to push past the doctor, but the older woman moved to block her path. Anger flared in the Commander's gaze, but Chakwas didn't move.

"If you aren't going to the Brass with this, who will you talk to? You've told me only the bare minimum and that was under duress. I know there is more to this, more that you are keeping inside yourself and it is eating at you. It's not my place to demand details, I know that, but… But what about Garrus?" She saw Shepard flinch and carefully placed a hand on the younger woman's shoulder. "He cares for you, deeply. Don't push him away by keeping this from him. He may be stubborn, but he's not an idiot, and he knows something is wrong. Don't you at least owe it to him to talk?"

"I guess… But how do I tell him something like this?" She threw up her hands in a defeated gesture and paced across the medical bay. "This isn't… I don't know how."

Dr. Chakwas glanced toward the still-shaded windows and sighed. She would have to admit what she had done. "Shepard, please understand I never meant to cause you more strife, but I was worried." Shepard's gaze snapped to the doctor, confusion written on her face as she waited for Chakwas to continue. "While not the most professional thing I'll admit I've done, I thought Garrus deserved to know what was going on. I told him only part of what you told me in hopes that it would relieve some of his worry." Shepard's expression went blank and the doctor moved to stand in front of her, taking both of her hands. "Shepard, he loves you. His first thought was to find the men who did this and make them pay. What could it hurt if he knows?"

"Everything." The word was said so quietly that Dr. Chakwas almost missed it and Shepard looked down at her feet. "I don't want to be treated differently, like I'm fragile or weak. I'm not. I just… I don't want him to hate me for not telling him. And I don't want him to think I'm crazy."

"You're not crazy," the doctor huffed, giving her hands a squeeze, "And you're not weak. You're the strongest woman I know, but that doesn't mean you can't have someone take care of you every once and a great while. And I think Garrus wants to. But he doesn't know how unless you tell him."

Shepard didn't look up, trying to control the sudden urge she had to run up to her cabin and cry for days. The carefully constructed barrier she'd built up in her life to surround this secret was crumbling and she didn't know how to stop it. She was helpless. A victim all over again. That thought made her sick and she bolted to the sink against the wall, bile burning up her throat for the second time that day. She spat and closed her eyes, waiting for her stomach to settle. She hated this feeling, hated it more than anything in the galaxy, and yet here she was, as helpless as that day in basic.

"I'll think about it, Doctor," she finally rasped, fingers flexing around the edge of the sink.

"That's all I can ask. But I will give you strict medical orders to rest. Up to your cabin, soldier." The command was given so gently and Shepard managed a small smile.

"Aye aye, ma'am."