So you want to go on fifty shades of a blind date.

I applaud you, my friend. And you too, over there in the corner. Not only are you brave and daring, but you are also incredibly stupid. But don't worry. With the Christian Grey Guide to Dating Blindly, you will safely live to humiliate yourself time and time again. Here, take my hand. Oops, I didn't mean to put it there. Sorry. So don't be afraid. You're here because you have nothing to lose.

Nothing, but your self-respect.

Blind dating doesn't have to be the scary, confusing ordeal that most people find it to be. I would have said "most normal people," except most normal people have the sense not to go on blind dates. If the confusing descriptions of a potential date by your misguided friends and family leaves you a bit bewildered as to what the reality of the individual is, be bewildered no longer, my friend. You only have to go as far as the next section down to find what these descriptions really mean.

If they say your blind date is smart, that means it probably takes them an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.

If they say your blind date is cute, that means when they tried to enter an ugly contest the judges told them, "Sorry, no professionals."

If they say your blind date has nice hair, that means it's so unruly Moses couldn't part it

If they say your blind date is athletic, that means they perspire so much they made Right Guard turn left.

If they say your blind date is fashionable, that means their two favorite designers are Poly and Ester.

If they say your blind date is mature, that means they were born when the Dead Sea was only sick.

If they say your blind date has a nice house, it means their home is so small there's no room to complain.

If they say your blind date is frugal, that means if you break an arm on your date they'll take you to the airport for an X-ray.

If they say your blind date is bohemian, that means they'll have enough ear wax to make candles.

If they say your blind date has nice teeth, that means they didn't need braces, they needed railroad tracks.

If they say your blind date is fun, that means the first thing they usually do in the morning is go home.

If they say your blind date is thin, that means if they have dreadlocks you'll be able to turn them upside down and mop the floor.

If they say your date has nice eyes, that means their glasses will be so thick if you put them on backwards you'll be able to see what happened yesterday.

If they say everybody likes your blind date, that means they think safe sex is locking the car doors.

If they say your blind date is fun at parties, that mean they're like the Pillsbury Doughboy, everybody there will get a poke.

If they say, "What have you got to lose?", that means you've already lost.

I hope this will help you in determining just how "lucky" you're going to be in the future. This list is obviously far from complete, but I'm sure in time you'll "flesh it out," so to speak.

Any questions?

"What if my blind date tells me they're not like other people?"

That means they'll disappoint you and won't let you punish them with your belt.

"What if they're ugly?"

You'll just have to remind yourself that beauty is only skin-deep. Unfortunately, that's the part we're attracted to.

"What can I say to get them to like me?"

Try "I'm rich" or "I put out."

"But I'm not and I don't."

Gee, that's too bad.

"What if we-um, how can I put this delicately?-what if we have sex on our first date?"

Do what I do, tell all your friends.

"But, you see, I'm really not very experienced in bed."

What you lack in experience, my friend, can be more than compensated for with the purchase of a good belt.

"I'm scared."

And well you should be. You're not me, after all.

As we come to the end of our time together, I think it's safe to say that perhaps we have both learned a little something. You've learned not to look to me, a handsome billionaire businessman, as the example you'll never be able to live up to, and I've learned not to waste my time with losers like you. All I can say is, have faith in yourself. You can do anything I can do. Anything, that is, except get someone to join you.

For the men reading this, I'd like to touch on two subjects, and I'm not talking about breasts.

1) Foreplay.

Why bother?

2) The female orgasm.

Who cares?

If your blind date is thoughtful enough to fake an orgasm for you, you should thank her and then leave her a nice tip. If you think this generous gesture might make her feel like a prostitute, remember this: A prostitute isn't paid for sex, they're paid to leave after the sex is over.

Hmmm...

Now, where did I leave my belt?