Chapter 3: Never going back again

They were in a bar, pretending to be a couple, which was all kinds of wrong, but Dani was trying to roll with the punches. The trouble was that the hits just kept on coming. The bar was filled with stale cigarette smoke and fat drunkards. It wasn't some college bar where barely legal kids ordered fruity drinks with little umbrellas. Not drinking alcohol would draw undue attention to them in this place.

'You ordered two cokes? We're trying to be inconspicuous,' she chided Crews, but all he did was slide the glass her way and sip his own. Reluctantly, she took a sip too. She liked the bite and the almost sharp coldness, but she couldn't help thinking that it would taste better with rum. These thoughts; they were not going to go away, were they? They would be there for the rest of her life. Trying to tempt her into having one harmless drink, which was never harmless and once she had one there would always be another.

Speaking of things that sometimes seemed harmless, but almost certainly weren't: their suspect was sitting two tables over, nursing his beer. According to Crews' intuition, honed and fine tuned in prison, there was something off about the guy. To her, he looked like Ted. Sure, Ted had been a criminal too, but not a dangerous criminal and most definitely not a serial killer.

This guy had the exact same bumbling, shy professor look about him. She knew that psychopaths looked normal. Their extracurricular activities depended upon being able to blend into the crowd. The ideal murderer is erased from people's minds three seconds after they have seen him. This man perfectly fit those requirements. Still, she had trouble picturing him brutally murdering someone.

He looked to be around fifty. His hair was still thick, but slightly greying at the temples. He was a bit overweight and had a fleshy nose. His face was flushed. Dani didn't know whether this was due to the temperature in the bar or because he was drinking heavily. In the hour Crews and she had been there, he had only had two beers, so it was probably the former.

She thought he would fit in nicely at the R&I category of washed up losers. The desk guy, whose name she had already forgotten again, would like him.

Beads of condensation were trickling down her glass and she watched them. Crews was examining the man in the mirror hanging behind the bar. She admired how he casually leaned back and seemed to study his own reflection, while he was actually scrutinizing their suspect.

The word 'suspect' should be used lightly in this context, because there was virtually nothing to link their man to the crime. Crews had a hunch about him, though. His hunches hardly ever brought her anything good, but still she had agreed to accompany Crews on his mission to trail him. In her free time. Part of her almost wanted it to be a ruse; something Crews had made up to get her to spend time with him outside of work, but she knew it wasn't.

Her hand came away wet when she put down her glass after taking another sip. This was so familiar. Going to a bar after work, getting drunk and taking home some random guy. Dani eyed Crews. It could have been him. Crews was forever bringing home cheap floozies and when she had been drinking she had been easy. No. It couldn't have been him, because he wouldn't take advantage of someone's weaknesses.

'Another coke? Or something else?' he asked. It was a test and it wasn't. She shook her head and he got up. This was exactly why being around him was so exhausting and confusing. Everything was a test and at the same time he was simply being himself. It was astounding how he could project a calmness to the outer world, while inside he was so dangerous. Able to kill a man with a single blow, without hesitation.

Why had he killed Roman, she wondered. Because Roman was Roman? Or because Roman was tangentially involved in the murder of Crews' friend and his friend's family? Or because Roman was going to kill him? Or because Roman had kidnapped her and threatened to hurt her?

For her, Roman had merely been the latest event in a long line of self-induced fuck ups. He had slapped her around, which should have bothered her more, but it hadn't. Not really. However, what he'd told her about her father... Such a good idea; thinking about depressing shit like that in close proximity to alcohol.

'Something wrong, Reese?'

'No,' she answered. He sat down and placed his newly filled glass and several paper napkins on the table. Gratefully, Dani wiped her hand dry with one of them. She then proceeded to crumple the napkin to a ball.

'Is it difficult? This was part of the habit, I gather,' he said and she looked at him. His blue eyes rested on her and he smiled easily. The laughter lines around his mouth creased and there was something so reassuring about his wrinkly smile that she instantly felt better

'Sometimes,' she admitted. It was a whole lot better than what she had wanted to say, which was 'no, not with you.' Where were all these things coming from? It was one thing to dream about him. Dreams were nonsensical and meant nothing. Thoughts meant something.

'Does it have something to do with Roman?' he guessed. He must have guessed, because he couldn't know. Nobody knew. And she was fine, really. There was something rehearsed about the nonchalant question, as if he had been wanting to ask her since the kidnapping. As if he'd bided his time waiting for the right moment to ask her. Studiously keeping the shock from showing on her face, she looked at him.

'Did he do something to you?'

She shook her head, but his gaze didn't waver.

'Did he say something?'

Again she quickly shook her head, perhaps too quickly. His eyes widened, but he dropped the subject. She focused on their suspect. There was something there that she didn't see, but Crews did. If Crews' theory was correct, this man was responsible for the death of more than thirty people. He had also committed a string of offenses at the age of thirteen in 1973.

The previous week they had found body parts, a lot of body parts, behind a leather factory. Forensics had determined that the oldest corpse had been lying there for at least thirty years and the newest for a couple of months. They had interviewed current employees, disgruntled employees, sacked employees and squirrelly employers, but their search had turned up no one of interest, until after another visit at the factory Crews had helped an old lady cross the street to her house.

Innocently, the woman had remarked that she was glad her son didn't work there anymore, so he couldn't be associated with the horrible crime. The woman had pointed out her son behind the window. He had hesitantly waved at them. Dani had seen a sad middle-aged man still living with his mother; Crews had seen a serial killer.

The only thing Dani had been able to turn up about him in the police files was a case number. After their visit to the R&I, they now knew what the guy had maybe been doing in 1973. Technically, the file should have been destroyed, because over thirty years later no one was interested in cat murders committed by a minor. Also, there had only been suspicion and no proof to adequately link the boy to the killed cats.

Crews thought the man had graduated from murdering cats to murdering people. Dani thought they'd better turn up some evidence soon or the case would stay open for eternity.

'...to keep from going back,' Crew said and Dani realised that he had been talking and she had not been listening.

'What?' she asked and without a shred of exasperation he started anew.

'I said that it must be hard to keep from reverting back to old habits when life seems confusing. For instance, as it is with the kidnapping or if you're having relationship troubles,' he summed up. Crews' eyes were kind, like Kevin's eyes and they were both trying to help, but she was fine. And even if she wasn't, - but she was - she wouldn't use it as an excuse to drink. In the post-kidnapping world everything was confusing and she'd wanted to have a drink more times than she could count, but she wasn't going to have one.

'Don't worry, I'm not going there,' she assured him.

'I'm not worried,' he said and smiled. To smile was like a natural response for him, while every time Dani smiled she felt as if she was using muscles she had long forgotten. Smiling felt like having to relearn how to ride a bike. Why was that? If she was fine; why did smiling cost so much trouble, except when she was around Crews?

'It's late and I don't think he's going to kill anyone tonight,' Crews whispered as he got to his feet and he held the door open for her. The air was cool on her skin and she took a deep breath of relatively clean air. In her car, he thanked her for coming with him and she shrugged that it wasn't a big deal. They agreed to follow the man again the next evening.

She dropped him off at home. Behind him, his house loomed large. Dark and empty, she thought, especially without Ted. Rachel had also not returned; Crews was vague about her whereabouts. She contemplated the loneliness of that place bereft of people and furniture, but she knew that loneliness didn't depend on a person's surroundings. Loneliness came from inside.

'Good night,' he said.

'Good night,' she whispered and for a second she allowed herself to imagine living there. Him wishing her good night and turning off the lights. Sleeping next to him. Feeling... what exactly? Feeling right, perhaps, instead of how sleeping next to Kevin had started to feel wrong.

(***)

One week later.

'She didn't want to go out with me, which makes sense. I mean, look at me and then look at her.'

The door to Tidwell's office was opened slightly and the blinds were drawn. Dani paused outside with her hand hovering above the doorknob. She recognised Tidwell's voice, but who else was in there with him? Covertly glancing around, she stayed rooted to the spot.

'Eventually, I wore her down. She broke down and let me in. But she also didn't let me in. You know what I'm saying?' Tidwell said.

'I'm probably the only one who does,' Crews answered. She shouldn't be doing this. Listening to Kevin's insecurities about their relationship and about how he thought he wasn't good enough was painful; but Crews' response was too much. It could mean a number of things and yet she felt she knew precisely what he meant. She was so tired of everything suddenly meaning something. So tired.

'Because you're Zen?' Tidwell asked and without thinking, she opened the door. Neither of the men looked caught, which made sense. It wasn't as if they had been discussing something behind her back. They were nearly friends; they were allowed to talk to each other about her. God knows, she sometimes discussed Crews with Kevin and Kevin with Crews. Dani regarded Kevin and he looked about as tired as she felt. Crews pushed himself away from the desk and approached her. His intense stare rattled her already crumbling walls.

'We have to go,' she ordered, mouthing a lacklustre 'I'll see you later' to Kevin. Crews and she had another evening shadowing their possible serial killer planned and often this amounted to little more than parking in front of his mother's house and sitting there. Usually, Kevin was already asleep when she came home.

Crews' hand brushed hers as he passed her and it send an unwelcome jolt through her. Immediately, she jerked her hand away and Crews took note of her exaggerated reaction. He didn't say anything. Suddenly, he had learned when to shut up. His silence made her feel stupid. She had to do something. This couldn't continue. This wasn't fair to anyone. Things were different; she was different and she had to make a choice.

Everyone assumed that the kidnapping or the exchange was what had a profound effect on her, but it wasn't. Things were different because of what it could mean. No matter how much she tried to pretend that everything was the same; it wasn't. She couldn't go back to who she was before. How could it be that she was only one drink or one hit removed from being an addict again, but she could not become the person she had been before the exchange? It would be so easy to slip back into addiction. Why couldn't she just as easily be without these feelings for and thoughts about Crews?