DISCLAIMER: I don't own D. Gray-man, UNFORTUNATELY all is into the bungler hands of that crazy woman whose name is hoshino... Because if it was otherwise... D. Gray-man manga wouldn't have become a shapeless and disgusting jumble of nonsenses, and Lavi would have been together with Kanda from a VERY LONG TIME!
WARNING: YAOI hints - if you don't know what this word means, or if you don't like boy/boy relationship this story is not for you, don't say I didn't tell you! You know the song, DON'T LIKE DON'T READ!
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The song for this third chapter is "Alone", from Gensoumaden Saiyuki animation soundtrack. As a great Saiyuki's fan I even own the original CD for this beautiful OST, but I never listened to this ending much because it's a slow song and I'm more the type for violent rhythms... That's why I never dwelled upon reading its lyrics translation, and I was astounded when I actually read it XDD
Well, you always discover new things!
Okay, beta is aquatix, thank you so much for your precious help!
As always, if you spot any error it's my fault, for changing something the beta suggested XD
What else to say...
Merry Christmas? XD
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DRIED FLOWERS
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Capitolo 3: Alone
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After Lavi's departure, Kanda found it extremely difficult to bring his life to the normal routine he kept before their relationship started. And the days slipped by him monotonously and devoid of any appeal, the missions Komui entrusted him with had become an unbearable burden, especially when he was flanked by the useless Moyashi.
The winter came, and with it came the snow. The streets of London became cold, and Kanda continued incessantly to wonder where Lavi was at that time, even while waiting to capture their current target, the elusive thief G.
Snow. Wind. Unnerving wait. Needless battle.
How much time had passed quietly, and just how much still had to pass without receiving any news of him? How many seasons were gone, and just how many had to follow one another before he could see him again?
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"A dry breeze is blowing
The city is getting cold
I wonder how many seasons have passed
without even a sound?"
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The comings and goings of people, mission after mission, each with their own problems, conflicted with his duties as an Exorcist; this time they refused to hand over to the Black Order the latest compatible person identified and these setbacks irritated him beyond measure. Kanda would have exploded, unleashing his rage on the poor victims, but he didn't have the time...
Another battle overthrew him, perhaps an equally desperate one as the one he faced some time before at the old European Headquarters.
Another Level 4. A mortally powerful opponent, a challenge that required him to muster all his energy. Each wound received, every step he dragged towards the enemy, bleeding and yet stubbornly determined to refuse on giving in, it did nothing but exacerbate his desire to see Lavi again.
Kanda fell and stood up. With a bitter grin the samurai flung into the fray; he wouldn't succumb to the pain, he'd force himself to go further even if the future he hoped for would never come. He'd never had a future so why the complaining now?
In the sultry unnatural mist produced by the Akuma's explosion the world was floating in the distance clouding his senses, blurring the images until they turn into what his mind wanted to see. The flash of red hair looked so real...
Kanda mentally laughed at himself, while unexpected help took care of the remaining enemies, preparing to confront the emptiness of the days to come.
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"All of the people coming and going
Bear heavy burdens,
searching for tomorrow
Within the wavering heat haze in the distance."
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Lavi had returned to the Black Order; as if nothing had happened the redhead showed up in front of him, smiling as always, like he'd never gone away.
Kanda ignored him as it was expected he would do, opposing his icy façade, focusing his own attention solely to the daily routine he'd been imposing on himself.
But when he was alone in his room and his thoughts wandered freely, Kanda felt that his existence was slipping away from him, falling between his fingers like fine sand.
He didn't expect that to happen, but Lavi had returned, and was behaving as if they were strangers. Kanda took his head in hands, clenching his jaw in a bitter, almost ironic, grimace.
"I love you, Yuu."
"I have to leave with Bookman."
All of a sudden these words started to alternate inside his mind, accompanied by pictures of events and people, merging together to create a single phrase printed on Lavi's face, only to be overshadowed by another one he thought was gone forever. Instead, those words echoed, overbearing, sticking like sharp shrapnel into his heart, painfully, deeply.
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"Feelings like sand
falling through my hands...
Back then, the words that pierced my heart
Suddenly started to throb with pain, but..."
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She had returned. Kanda saw her again.
That woman, who tormented him with her face whenever his consciousness waned, the woman who infected his mind like a cancer, appearing when his control faltered, that damned woman who owned his thoughts and whose name Kanda didn't even know. The parasite who claimed to love him.
And with her there were the flowers, and dreams of death. He thought he had defeated them forever, but they were still there waiting for his defences to give way.
At the beginning the appearance of that vision had confused him, in particular the strong feeling that accompanied it and the overpowering desire to meet her. Kanda didn't understand what was happening, he was only nine years old and couldn't handle emotions so intense.
And those memories that didn't belong to him troubled Kanda even more, the boy believed to be dead and then brought back to life, until he'd been explained what he was. No, it would be more accurate to say what the scientists had done to him.
Kanda then understood that the infection wouldn't have ever gone away. From that, his body would have never recovered, it couldn't.
He hated that inside his brain, there was something extraneous, something that caused him hallucinations and induced feelings. Someone else's memories surfaced, talking about promises made and events that didn't concern him. Kanda detested being entirely dominated by them, and even more so that his ego had been desecrated in this filthy way.
And he hated that woman. Oh, how deeply! And with her the memories of the man who loved her. If only Kanda could destroy her, get rid of this fucking girl and of everything else! But all he could do was to erect a barrier between him and those fake feelings, segregate all in the most remote corner of his mind; freeze his heart.
And even so, every now and then the darn thing resurfaced again...
She haunted his thoughts like a ghost, and Kanda was not entirely certain that in the fact she wasn't one, since he didn't know for how long the Exorcist whose fragments of memory he saw had died. So Kanda decided to uproot from himself every feeling to stifle, as well those who came as a reflection from those unbearable memories.
Suppressing and controlling each and every emotion had withered him, but it didn't matter to Kanda, nothing interested him more, since he was only a tool to fight Akuma, a prisoner of those who made him become like that.
There were times when Kanda had so badly desired to find the woman just to kill her and get rid of her rule forever, and days when he wasn't even sure she really existed...
Yet when the memories showed up the urgent need to search for that girl overwhelmed him making Kanda almost lose his wits. If he really had tracked her down, would the spell be broken? That one only hope made him remain stubbornly attached to his painful existence.
When Lavi entered into his life, awakening him from that sort of induced stasis he forced his heart to fall into, Kanda had the illusion that developing true feelings of his own had finally got the better of the ill plant that was so deeply rooted in him.
Looked like it worked, but he realized now that it was only temporary; it lasted just as long as Lavi hadn't deserted him.
The Bookman apprentice broke his heart and Kanda lost control of his defences, exposing himself to her again. He called up the hatred he felt towards the unnamed woman to throw her out and regain possession of himself, trying to piece together the fragments of his ego, forcing his mind to stop thinking.
But then Kanda found himself lying awake counting the hours of those endless nights, his hand pressed onto the cold place Lavi used to occupy beside him. The feelings he had for the Bookman apprentice tortured Kanda as much as the sensations that those memories of her transferred to him, so damn real they were driving him close to lose his mind. Some nights he seemed to be able to touch the face of them both if only he had stretched his hand before him.
No, Kanda wouldn't allow it to win, he wouldn't let a useless thing such as love to break him down. Fueling with hatred the barrier that sealed his heart he would have picked himself up again, continuing on his way alone, ignoring any outward interference.
Without hesitation, he would go ahead, heedless of the suffering accompanying him or of how much he managed to get far.
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"I've searched for pieces of myself,
counting the endless nights all the while.
These feelings are so becoming certain
Almost I lose myself.
Right now, without fail, I will walk forward, however in making."
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Lavi was staring at the vastness of the sky over him with dreamy eyes, his expression lost in thoughts. The new war he was now observing couldn't distract him from his memories of Yuu, even though he did everything he could so that Bookman wouldn't realize just how much he had missed the Black Order. No... how much he had missed Yuu.
He began to dream about him almost as soon as they had separated, and desperately wanted to know if the other Exorcist was all right, if... Lavi put his hands cupped around his mouth, with the intention to shout the other's name to the wind in the silly illusion that Yuu could hear him, but his voice betrayed the redhead coming out in a strangled cry and tears began to fall down his cheek flowing merciless from his good eye.
He collapsed on the parapet of the great stone walls, under which soldiers were passing in a parade entering into the city, well knowing that if someone saw him in such a state Bookman would not fail to be informed about.
He wiped his eye by rubbing it with the back of his hand, sighing deeply.
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"I wonder, why is the sky
so vast?
Even though I tried to yell, my voice did not come
Poured out and the tears."
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The cry of a bird attracted again Lavi's attention on the clear sky surrounding him as far as his eye could reach; where was that hawk heading? To his nest, riding the wind?
Of course... for sure he was returning home.
That thought gave Lavi a painful stinging to the heart he shouldn't have. He couldn't go back to the place where he had been all this time with the identity of his 49th alias once he had abandoned it.
He had no place to return to.
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"I wonder where the birds are flying off to,
As they freely slice through the wind?
One can not return to the same place
As it once was in days gone by."
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Even if Lavi would have abandoned his dream to share his life with Yuu once the war was over, that wouldn't have relieved the pain nor would it stop the overbearing beat of that heart he'd just found, which belonged to Yuu only.
One day, I'll succeed in touching that sky, I will spread the wings of my poor trapped heart and find the strength to rebel against fate, breaking the rules that bind me and setting myself forth to find you, Yuu.
I'll be joining you, I promise.
I'll come looking for you, and I won't fail.
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Lavi looked at his mentor with his eye wide, fighting with himself not to show his wonder; had the old man just said they were going back to Headquarters?
He would be able to see Yuu again! But... what was he supposed to do now? How should he act towards him?
Would Yuu try to win him back? He couldn't afford this eventuality, even if he so strongly desired it to come true; the only thing he could do once at the Order will be to avoid Yuu and behave as though nothing had ever been between them.
Life was cruel.
But, he secretly hoped that one day this could change, that he could have Yuu by his side again.
Now, however, he had to comply with his duties as a Bookman, following his master's policy and ignoring his throbbing heart.
They would leave this place the day after to travel back where they would be in danger again, but he didn't bring himself to care; he was so impatient to see Yuu again, yet he knew he couldn't express these feelings once there face to face with him again.
Even so, Lavi was ready to follow Bookman in his journey, wherever the old man would go.
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"Even if I give up my dream like this,
I will not suppress my soaring heartbeat.
Someday, I want to reach
as high as the clouds.
I'll spread wide the wings in my heart and journey once again
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I will reach it, without fail. "
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Kanda had hid again behind his wall of ice that he'd worked so hard to build around himself since he had known what the source of the dreams that haunted him was, focusing only on the hate he had for their cause in order to continue to keep them at bay.
But the door he opened to Lavi, what he felt for him, didn't want to be ignored; Kanda tried in vain to find again the impassivity he was always marked by, and inevitably found himself staring at the ceiling of his room every night, so that to one point he lost count of how many of them had passed.
Those feelings were so strong that the mere thought of not having Lavi at his side anymore was relentlessly driving Kanda crazy.
The only thing that remained for him to do was to throw himself body and soul into the missions Komui entrusted to him, though this time he would be again accompanied by the unbearable moyashi.
He got up, ready to leave for his new destination, trying not to think where Lavi was directed in comparison to him.
Life goes on, regardless of all the rest. Kanda would continue to drag himself along with it as well, wherever this had led him.
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"I've searched for pieces of myself,
counting the endless nights all the while.
These feelings are so Becoming Certain
Almost I lose myself.
Right now, without fail, I will walk forward, however in making."