To Care and Not to Care

from T.S. Eliot's Ash Wednesday

Because these wings are no longer wings to fly
But merely vans to beat the air
The air which is now thoroughly small and dry
Smaller and dryer than the will
Teach us to care and not to care
Teach us to sit still.

Narissa stood with her back to the others, looking through the temple's curved marble columns. The cliff face had crept nearer through the centuries since the day she had first stood there. In a few more, the temple would perch on its edge like a bird about to take flight. There was still plenty of time before that. The bazurita that grew up its slopes pleased her. Its strong vine delayed the process, and the delicate lantern-like flowers along its length punctuated the gray and tan of the dry and crumbling soil with bright orange. The flowers shimmered, the eezo pulsing through them faintly visible in the sunlight. The sail-like petals filled with the breeze from the gentle Naropa Sea below, giving it the appearance of breathing. She would take her cue from the bazurita.

"Sisters," she turned to the other four matriarchs sitting there, two of them holographically. "I share a concern for this daughter of Armali. She is powerful, yes, and will be more so. It is inevitable, given her mother's gifts. Surely, however, it would be rash to act now. It is not our way to move in haste when regret could prove so long. She has brought great honor to our people. Let us watch, and wait."

Those gathered considered her words in silence for some time before another spoke, as was their custom.

"Her instability grows. We warned her mother of the risks of taking another asari as her mate. What greater proof could we have to doubt her wisdom than in her choices and her fate? She may yet bring ruin upon us through her daughter. I have sought to discern this maiden's truth in the pools of revelation and have seen worlds on fire. This is the fruit of a poisonous tree." Matriarch Angelith surveyed the others with glittering eyes. The eldest of them, she was almost frail and slightly bowed, though it may have been due to her heavy headdress and the earliness of the hour where she lived. "Have not your dreams told you the same, and the dance of shadows these past few years? We should prune the tree before it is too late. I fear a terrible destiny."

Again, the temple stilled under the long pause for contemplation.

"Or a great one," Iolis spoke. "In all my centuries of divination, never has a vision been clear or open to only one interpretation. Our gifts speak in symbols and signs. Even the greatest of us proved we could read them wrongly—or rightly and still do wrongly. Her daughter's actions have spoken differently than hers. Darkness surrounds her, but obscures whether it is within her. It could be that her gift surpasses her mother's already, even while so young with no one to help her. Let us seek to guide her. Let us not make her into an enemy she is not. We agree that she has power."

"And repeat her mother's mistake?" Sutarna gestured to the projection in the center of the room. "You see the footage Tevos sent. She threatens a whole assembly of humans at mere words about her mother. The humans' power grows, and they have already proven to be shapers. If she had the gift, she would not act so impulsively. She threatens Thessia's security with this, and with her words about the Reapers. If people listen, she could provoke massive instability, a more certain and more dangerous threat than the distant and unproven one of which she warns. Even should this threat prove true, such instability would leave us poorly equipped to face it. We would be completely vulnerable. I agree with Angelith. We must not risk giving her the chance."

"Send a matron to seduce and influence her. The young are easily led, easily distracted. Their needs are pleasurable to direct." Terilene made no effort to hide that she found the asari in the projection attractive, true to her reputation for favoring the young. "This does not need to be violent, or complicated. Capture her heart or create her desires, and you can lead her like a nardak by the ring in its nose."

Narissa assumed Terilene knew only too well the truth of what she spoke, and what she suggested stirred her anger. "She is T'Soni. She will not be easily captured or led, as you should know, nor do I approve of the manipulation you intend."

Terilene laughed. "So tenderhearted. Does the sun always shine in Armali, to make you all so soft? It is better than execution. Send me. I would be gentle, to a point. Unless to achieve your agreement, you would prefer that we send you? Wasn't Benezia your mentor?" She paused, lowering her chin and her voice. "Maybe we should only consider the opinions of those who have never moved in Benezia's mind."

"Still so bitter over the dead?" Angelith cackled. "You will have to stop holding that against Benezia eventually, Terilene." A grin spread across her slightly wrinkled face at the other matriarch's glare. "Calm yourself, I have not visited your destiny in the pools. It took no dreams to see it; even for one as far removed from caring about those pleasures as I am now. Someday perhaps you will share the matriarch's name who shaped your desires as they are?" Her expression became serious. "I might consider this compromise, though it carries many risks. If we follow this course, we would be wise to send a matriarch, given the likely strength of the maiden's mind. This would meet many of our concerns. A matriarch could soothe her for her mother's loss as well as fill the role of guide."

"I fear the danger is too great." Sutarna approached the image in the center of the room, and zoomed in on the back of Liara's head, where the glare of the courtroom lights had touched it.

Narissa gasped. "Surely that's not possible! It must be a reflection of something else in the room!" The others did not meet her eyes, but stared at the image, at the floor or at one another. Shaken, Narissa took her seat. The silence stretched out.

Sutarna now walked to the room's edge to seek out the sea's horizon, a darker blue line flat and immovable where the aquamarine of the Naropa and the turquoise of the morning sky touched one another. Over the sea, the tezarin swooped and circled.

At last Iolis broke the silence, "In that case, I suggest we send Aethyta. It would be her responsibility. Anyone else would have to face her later. This way she would do her duty, and not seek vengeance, or they would be together to be taken out at once. Her strong, violent, and hasty nature may serve our course this time."

"I agree. We show Aethyta these two things, and leave out mention of Benezia's indoctrination." Angelith surveyed the other's faces. "We have a majority agreement. We must act quickly. We know where she is now, but not where she might go. Summon Aethyta and give this task to her. Last concerns?"

"What do we tell Tevos?" Terilene asked.

"That we are taking appropriate measures," Sutarna responded, attention on the tezarin.

"Aethyta and Liara would make a formidable foe together…" Iolis cautioned.

"Except Liara doesn't know," Narissa said softly. Sorrow welled up in her. She had been there when Liara was born. Zia, we need you, she thought, and bowed her head in grief.

Hackett's aide had a Marine waiting to escort Liara back to the Shanghai. As soon as they reached the gates, however, she thanked him and sent him away. She couldn't face returning to an Alliance vessel right now, or of being surrounded even by friends. Their grief compounded her own, and as irrational as she knew it to be, she was angry none of them was Shepard. If they were as worn out by the day as she was, they probably wouldn't notice her absence tonight, she reasoned. Some anonymity and getting away from humans would bring welcome relief.

With no specific destination in mind, she wandered out into the corridors of the lower wards. Night never fell on the Citadel, with its endless artificial sunlight, but long shadows stretched across the corridors, and she knew the hour was late. Black scratches and gray circular discolorations stippled the walls, and among the chunks of buildings and derelict machines choking the passages, the faces of refugees and displaced residents squatting in doorways and corners peered out unsmiling. Farther from the central passageways, where lights that had been knocked out had not yet been repaired, fires burned in large oil barrels and trashcans, providing the only illumination and heat. Tired as she was, Liara knew better than to let her guard down or to allow her mind to drift in these spaces. Few asari could be seen here. Some instinct drove her onward, nonetheless, deeper into the darkness. She craved a corner of her own, where she could be alone with her thoughts and seek peace.

The smell of something roasting in one of the makeshift camps wafted past where she walked, and for the first time in days, she felt actual hunger stirring. She decided to see what she could find to eat. Purchasing skewers of roasted fish from a kiosk vendor, Liara ate the first real meal she could remember that week. The warmth of the food filled her with a sense of calm, and some of the long held knots in her abdomen relaxed. She breathed deeply, content just to be, for a time. The dim lighting of the eating area, the surrounding grime and chaos quickly settled into just the way things were. Life was a commodity here, and cheap, something that made sense to her now. Living was an act of desperation. Somewhere she heard several voices shouting, but it seemed far away.

It was in this more numb state that she started to notice the human children in a nearby doorway looking at her half-eaten third skewer. Without glancing over again, Liara set the skewer down and went back to the vendor for two more. Sure enough, when she returned to her seat, the other skewer was gone. She showed no distress, just made a show of searching under her seat for it before she sat. Then she put the new skewers down to get something to drink. When she returned with two bottles of fruit juice, the other skewers were gone. This time she looked back to the doorway where she'd seen the children. No faces were visible now, but she held out a bottle anyway, expecting that they were still watching, wherever they were. She placed the bottles at the far end of the table, out of her reach, returned to her seat, and waited. Eventually a scruffy, dirty human child with shaggy hair and ripped clothes shuffled forward, bright eyes intently on her, and reached for the bottles. She was going to just let the child go when she recognized that there were bruises underneath the dirt on its face, and blood on the hand emerging from the sleeve to grab the second bottle. As gently as possible she placed a stasis field around the child's wrist.

The child's eyes grew wide and wild. It wriggled, trying to free itself. She walked over, speaking softly that she meant no harm. It was impossible to tell if the child was a girl or a boy, but she thought maybe a girl. Wetting her napkin with some of her bottled water, she wiped it on her own face and wrist, trying to show the child that it wouldn't hurt. The child watched, some of the panic subsiding in that little face. She patted the child's head. The child flinched at first, then stood still and impassive. Liara knelt down and dabbed water on the filthy face very gently, and then pointed at the injured hand and held out hers for it. She released the stasis field. The child shot backward. With another small stasis field on one little foot, she stopped the child again, and waited. When the child didn't stop struggling, she went over and wrapped her arms around the child, holding her. It took awhile, but eventually, when Liara did nothing else, the child stopped.

Continuing to speak words of comfort and holding the wiry, small body close, she reached for the injured hand. The child kept its eyes on her face and its body ready for flight as she carefully opened the fingers on the injured hand and examined the wound. Angry red marks streaked around a long deep gash. It was infected and would need stitches. The child stayed very still as she wiped away as much of the dirt as she could and wrapped the napkin around the injured hand. The child looked at her with tilted head as if trying to figure her out. Tentatively the little human poked a finger at her tunic, at the scientist insignia there and mumbled something she couldn't understand.

Liara knew the child needed to see a doctor. She thought of Karin, but the ship was too far away. Maybe she could find Dr. Michel. Explaining what she wanted to do, she picked the child up, and put it over her shoulder. It was the only way she could think of ensuring that the child didn't escape along the way. She carried the child to the food vendor and asked if he knew Dr. Michel or where to find her. He gave her directions, but she was fairly sure he was laughing at her too, so she wasn't entirely confident of the directions. Nevertheless, she set off as he'd indicated. The child sent out a long, low whistle.

She hadn't gone far before the little one started poking at her crests. She told the child to stop, but then the child grabbed one of her crests and pulled back on it so hard it brought tears to her eyes. With a quick movement, she placed the little one on its feet, and scolded the child while holding his or her thin wrists biotically. Those lurking in the doorways stopped to watch this drama, some laughing, some regarding them with looks she did not like. Picking the child back up and hoisting it over her shoulder again, she walked faster. She could tell other children were following them, but those were not what she was worried about.

When she had almost reached where the vendor had indicated, what she had feared happened. A heavily armored batarian stepped out in front of her, blocking the passageway. The child whistled loudly and the other children scattered at the signal. The little one huddled against her, pushing into her as if her body could absorb and hide it. "What's a pretty little asari like you doing so far from Chora's Den all by your lonesome? You forget your way to the dance pole?" the batarian sneered. "Don't worry. I'll let you use mine." He stood with his legs apart, and clutched his crotch, as if what he meant wasn't clear enough. "My boys and I would like that. I bet we keep you dancing all night." Several other heavily armed and armored batarians stepped out of doorways she had passed and up ahead. They were surrounded. She thought she counted five of them, maybe seven. He took a threatening step toward her. "Just one question, before we give you what we know you want and need." One of the others behind her laughed, another to her left made obscene sounds. "What are you doing with that child? Any children around here belong to us."

She placed the child on its feet, releasing its hands. The child looked at her imploringly and clutched the hem of her tunic. She felt a wave of anger wash over her and grit her teeth. They had picked the wrong asari on the wrong day to start a fight.

A half hour later, Dr. Michel looked up and recognized a face she hadn't seen in a while. "Doctor T'Soni! It's so good to see you! And what have we here?" Her eyes widened at the dirty human child walking beside Liara, clutching her hand, and the four others that followed her in. Noticing the blood smeared on Liara's face, Michel hastened to her side. "Oh la la, comment allez vous? Are you hurt?"

"I'm fine, Doctor Michel, but these children need help. This one's wound's become infected." Liara reassured the child holding her hand as the doctor knelt and gave its injury a look.

"You are quite right. This could easily have cost the enfant a hand." Fetching her supplies, Michel cleaned, numbed, stitched and slathered medigel on the child's hand before she bandaged it.

Liara sat, exhaustion overtaking her. Some of the children sat near her. The littlest one got up in her lap. She wrapped an arm over it as it snuggled against her.

When Michel had finished cleaning and inspecting each of the children, she turned to Liara. "What is this? Do you mind?" She showed Liara the cloth, and Liara nodded, before she wiped the blood off the asari's face. "You look all done in. It is good you are here, n'est-ce pas? Your friends are looking for you. Doctor Chakwas called me earlier. She was concerned, and was hoping I had seen you. She would be relieved to hear from you." She paused, looking Liara over. "Ah, but I do not mean to be rude. I can see you have had enough for today. Come. I have some cots you and your friends can use. Or you may take my bed. My apartment is nearby, and I do not think I will be using it tonight." Michel helped Liara up and led the small procession to a side room, where several cots were already set up.

Hardly able to keep her eyes open now that she could let her guard down, Liara mumbled, "No, cot ... fine. Just need to…" Her hands felt along the edges of the cot as she lowered herself, then fell into it, her eyes closing almost as soon as her head touched it.

One of the children climbed up and curled up beside her. Michel pulled off Liara's boots and unfolded the blanket from the end of the cot, pulling it up over both. The other children clambered up on the other cots, some in pairs, some of them kicking off their shoes first, others only doing so when she insisted. Then she turned the light in the room off, and closed them all safely in, returning to the main room herself. Using the clinic's monitor, she rang the Shanghai. "Doctor Chakwas? Sorry to wake you. She's here et bien pour le plus part. I think she's been in a fight. No, she's sleeping now. Maybe. Yes, I suggest you arrive early. She should sleep for a long time, but there is no knowing. Something is off, but you know that already, yes? Perhaps a form of shell shock? Non, je m'excuse. I won't ask. It is none of my business. I do believe she needs her friends. I'll stay up, but don't take too long. I could not stop her from leaving if she wanted to."

When Liara awoke, it was the afternoon, and she was alone in a strange room. It took a moment for the memory of the day before to return to her. She smoothed her tunic. It was wrinkled and smelled a little. She'd been wearing it too long. She slowly sat and pulled her boots on, listening to the subdued sounds from the other room of mostly female chatter. Walking over, she opened the door.

"She is here at last!" Dr. Michel chirped brightly. "Another country heard from."

Liara was not really surprised to see Karin sitting there, sipping tea. "Doctor Michel, the children?"

"Your charges? The human social services came for them this morning, n'inquietez pas. Do not worry! They are in good hands." Michel put a plate in a nearby machine and pressed a few buttons. "Venez, come, sit." She patted the chair beside Karin. "We were just having café and talking about you. How did you sleep?"

"Well, thank you," Liara shuffled into the room, looking somewhat worse for wear. "Why are there so many of them, Doctor Michel? What is C-Sec doing about it? Aren't humans' lives too short for this misery?"

"My dear, these are hard things to consider upon waking. Few species have the mating habits or wealth and wisdom of the asari. Come and sit. I will tell you that the Citadel has always had populations of abandoned children. C-Sec calls them duct rats. The reasons are all different, but sometimes the parents are too poor, and sell them in order to eat, or don't care. Some children are conceived by accident or to those too young to care for them. Some are stolen by pirates and forced to provide hard labor or cheap sex. It is not uncommon among humans, and well known to your Commander, I think, even if this is unheard of on your world." Liara stopped and blinked. When she had last been here, it had been with Rachel. It rushed back to her now, with guilt, that in the commotion the previous night, she had forgotten. Was she starting to forget Rachel already?

Karin put her cup down.

Michel did not miss the change in her companions, or the feeling in the room. "Oh, where are my manners? I am so sorry. She will be missed, our champion. It is a great loss for us all, and I am a brute to remind you. Please forgive me." In the brighter light of day, Michel could better see the dark purple streaks running down the back of Liara's neck. Michel looked over at Karin meaningfully. The bell went off, and she pulled a warm plate from the machine and placed it between them. "Well, I must go make my rounds. I'll leave you two in peace. It will take me about three hours. You are very welcome to stay as long as you'd like, of course. If I don't see you when I return, however, please take care and know you are always welcome here." She rose and pressed cheeks with Liara. "Biz to all the others. It would be wonderful to hear from them, especially from Garrus. I have not forgotten how he saved me. A plus tard." With that, she grabbed her kit, and with an apologetic glance back at Karin, bustled out, flipping the sign on the door to read when she would return and locking the clinic door behind her.

In the silence she left behind, Liara rubbed her eyes and sat. "I'm sorry, Karin, for not letting you know…."

Karin took a sip. "I think I understand, but please don't disappear without saying anything again. I was worried something had happened to you. Yesterday was terribly difficult."

"Yes." Liara felt the weight settle back on her chest. She began to eat, the motions habit more than anything else.

"While we're here, I think it would be wise for us to set up a consultation." Karin watched Liara's face. "As Doctor Michel would say, why not?" She tried her best to imitate Dr. Michel's accent.

Liara took no notice of the attempt at humor. "No!"

Such vehemence surprised Karin. "Why?"

"My …" Liara hesitated, "condition would raise many questions, and with my history, I am afraid the matriarchs would choose to act against me."

"What do you mean?" Karin's brow furrowed.

"Karin, what I've done," Liara squirmed in her seat, and Karin placed a hand on her arm to comfort her, "my people consider a crime. My mother died an enemy of the state, of the galaxy. Should an asari physician find out, she would be required to report it, and given everything, I would very likely be slated for assassination."

"Do no maidens bond?! They don't need to know the rest. I mean, how would they find out unless you…? Well, how severe!" Karin frowned, deep in thought for a while. "I better understand your hesitation. Let me help you better understand my concern. You have not been yourself. You are seeing things, your moods are labile and now you have these dark purple streaks running down your neck…."

"What!" Liara craned to try to see.

"There's a mirror over there." Karin gestured. "Liara, you need help. I can call a specialist from here, not give my name, not give yours, not provide all the details, and request advice. Whatever is going on, we can handle it together." Karin prayed that this was true. She was deeply concerned.

Liara frowned as she managed to catch a glimpse of the streaks marking her neck. She'd never seen or heard of anything like this. And after last night, she had to agree with Karin. She vaguely remembered being consumed by rage and attacking batarians. The memory made her sick. What was happening to her? Returning to sit beside Karin, she looked over at her, hollow eyed. "I don't think medicine can help, but I am willing to try."

Karin relaxed a little. "I'm so glad you said that." She placed her hand on Liara's shoulder. "Let's see what help we can find." She went over to Dr. Michel's terminal and keyed in a search, pulling up a short list of asari specialists. "I recognize this doctor's name from the journals. She specializes in melding. May I call her now?"

"Yes." Liara went back to picking at the food on her plate, and appeared very subdued.

After having the call re-routed through a number of assistants, they finally reached the specialist, Dr. Lethe. Karin kept audio on and video off as Dr. Lethe came on. "Hello, Dr. Michel, what a pleasant surprise. How may I help you? My assistant says you're in need of an emergency consult. What is so urgent? "

"Dr. Lethe, thank you for taking the time. I have a very special case, something I've never seen before. I believe you may be one of the few people who can help." Karin made no effort to correct the misidentification, though she knew she did not sound at all Swiss.

"I will be happy to help if this is so. Please tell me a little about this patient and why you think this true. I have someone waiting, but can give you twenty minutes." Dr. Lethe did not say anything if she noticed the discrepancy between Dr. Michel's and Dr. Chakwas' accents.

"An asari came to me for treatment who shows deep purple marking on her neck, loss of appetite, difficulty sleeping, emotional volatility and a recent trend of experiencing visual hallucinations," Karin explained. "Some of these symptoms are congruent with mourning a recent sudden and significant loss. Others are not."

The line was quiet on the other end. "Did you say deep purple markings on her neck?" Karin thought she detected a strain in Dr. Lethe's voice.

Karin sipped her tea before responding. "Yes."

"You are sure? They are not silver or grey?" The strain in Dr. Lethe's voice was there, Karin was sure of that.

"Yes, I've seen them myself. Why?" Karin was beginning to feel uneasy.

"You should have this asari come and see me at once. What is her name? I will set up an appointment today, or you can bring her to my office now." There was no mistaking the urgency in Dr. Lethe's voice.

With a glance at Liara, Karin responded, "I'm afraid that's not possible. She has left already and is en route to another system. I told her that if I learned anything, I would reach her at her destination."

"What system? What ship? Please tell me her destination."

"Dr. Lethe, you are causing me alarm. It goes against our medical customs to divulge our patient's names to outside parties. What is it that commands your immediate attention about these markings?" Karin gripped her cup tightly.

"We must not speak in half truths. Sharing names in consults is not uncommon, as we all follow the code of silence together. Telling me would not count as breaking confidentiality. I will assume your patient has requested secrecy, which concerns me more, for maybe then she is aware of the seriousness of the situation and is refusing to deal with it. What you describe is a very dangerous condition. She needs our help immediately. I mean no offense when I say this; it is simply that non-melding species cannot supply the proper support. She needs an experienced guide. You must give me her name."

Karin didn't think she had ever heard an asari doctor sound this upset, or to so unsuccessfully hide it. "Please tell me about this condition, so I can best assess how to honor her request and yours." Doctor Chakwas and Liara exchanged glances. It sounded like some orders were being given on the other end while the speaker was muffled.

Liara knew she'd have to leave soon. Her expression said as much to Karin, whose concern for Liara increased.

After a long pause, Lethe spoke again. "It is not something my people usually speak of, but I will share so that you will understand the urgency and importance of sharing her information." Karin hardly dared to glance at Liara. "What you describe sounds like the transition to Karaburan. It means dark wind. Because of the way my people form connections with others, they are vulnerable to becoming katabatic if they lose a very deep connection, especially their first or longest-lasting soul bond, suddenly, violently and unexpectedly. To try to put it in a way you can understand, such loss tears open the core of the survivor and leaves a void. Without assistance, that void can grow and drive her mad. If it's a first or particularly deep connection, she has to be guided in how to let go. Only another of our kind can do this. The asari you saw sounds like she is in the early stages, though usually the streaks do not appear until later, thus my heightened concern. The hallucinations will only get worse. If she does not receive treatment soon, she will be a danger to all around her. It is very serious."

Karin's mouth had gone dry. She reached out and took Liara's hand. "I appreciate you sharing this."

"I hope you will be as forthcoming. If you are not yet ready to tell me her name, can you tell me under what circumstances this asari lost her bondmate, her age and something about her parents? I know this must have been the first bondmate she'd lost, or she would know what to do. These other details influence her possible outcomes."

Karin met Liara's eyes with the question. Liara, looking grim and pale, nodded. "She was nearby when her bondmate died violently. She is a maiden, at the first century mark, and the daughter of two asari."

"By the Goddess…" Dr. Lethe's voice trailed off in shock. "She is at risk for the two winds." Liara started and pulled her hand away from Karin's, eyes wide. "And so young…. I don't know what to say. This is truly terrible. I am so sorry, but what you describe could not be worse. It is very rare, but likely will prove deadly. Please, I must know her name at once."

Liara sprang to her feet, dashed for the door, and through it before Karin could move.