Chapter 3

Rick Castle: May 2012

By the time the bottle was empty, Rick was physically numb, but his brain wouldn't stop. He tried writing, but nothing except angry rants spewed forth. He tried walking along the beach, but when he'd looked down and saw only his lonely footprints in the sand, he deflated and headed home. After reading half a novel without any comprehension of what he'd read, downing another drink, and showering, he looked at his bed with longing and wondered how many hours he'd lay there tormented while sleep evaded him.

Despite his better judgment he opened the medicine cabinet and took out a bottle of medication. He knew mixing the sleeping pills with the amount of alcohol he'd consumed was both foolish and dangerous, but he just needed sleep. It had been days since the last time he'd gotten any rest and it was killing him.

Rick dropped his towel, slipped on his boxers and a t-shirt and then crawled into bed. Ten minutes, then twenty passed as he stared at the dark ceiling waiting to release himself into blessed sleep. Just as the first rays of Friday's sun rise began to creep above the horizon, exhaustion finally claimed him.

Rick Castle: May 2011

Rick dozed in the uncomfortable plastic chair; the steady beep of the heart monitor, his only lullaby. After his head fell forward for the second time, he decided to stand and stretch.

"Why don't you go home and get some sleep. I'll call you when she wakes up." Jim Beckett offered from where he attempted the pretense of sleep on the pull-out sleeper sofa.

"I can't leave her."

"She's safe. She's just recovering. You heard what the doctor said. She may not wake up for a while. You're tired and uncomfortable, and don't you try to deny it."

"I won't, but I still can't leave."

The older man's sigh sounded so much like his daughter's. And Rick had heard it often lately. In many ways it was worse than the arguments they'd been having because it meant she was cutting off all communication, but at least it wasn't as bad as the silent treatment she'd enforced almost the entire time since the night at the hanger.

April had been a busy month for them. Cases had piled up for her and Gina was pressuring him for chapters of a book he just wasn't feeling. It put stress on their relationship, but they muddled through unscathed.

After hitting a streak of inspiration, Rick was again in an emotional upswing. He finally had Heat Rises completely mapped out in his head and Heat Wave, the movie, was in full production. His mother was happily married, and therefore no longer meddling in his life. Alexis was happy and excited as her graduation approached, and Kate's work load was easing back, allowing her to relax and unwind. Things were again going well. Things were looking up. But like John Lennon sang, "Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans". Things happen that you can't control or change; things that can turn your world completely upside down.

The morning Kate's phone rang before five, Rick just knew in his gut something was up. When she hung up and went to the bathroom without speaking the dread set in.

Kate Beckett wasn't the kind of girl who comfortably talked about her feelings or looked to others for comfort, so he wasn't surprised when she needed a bit of time before telling him what was going on.

The caller had been Lanie. She was at a crime scene and they needed to join her right away. The victim was none other than Kate's training officer, Mike Royce.

Something inside Kate changed that day. Rick didn't acknowledge it right away, because at first it just seemed like she was grieving, but the seriousness never wore off. Even after flying across the county on a personal vendetta to capture her mentor's killer, there was a hardness to her that he hadn't seen in years.

From where he stood watching, she seemed to treat each day as a mission. The weight of the world was on her shoulders as if it was her cross to bear.

That's when the fights started. He begged her to let go of some of it, to relax. She accused him of being a child who couldn't understand the depth of responsibility. He pouted. She pulled away. They still worked together and slept together, but the emotional wall he knew she hid behind seemed to get bigger, and he didn't know how to scale it.

Then the real trouble began when the darkest ghosts of her life began to stir. McCallister was shanked by Hal Lockwood, who then escaped from under their noses, sending Kate on a warpath to bring him down. With all that went into the manic manhunt, a new set of details came to light which revealed that their beloved Captain had his own secrets to Kate's past.

Rick would never forget the night that Montgomery called; how Roy told him Kate was in trouble and the only one who could save her was him. Of course he went to her.

Then as he stood in the shadows listening to Kate and Roy's last conversation, Rick finally understood what he would have to do and it made him sick.

It took all his strength, both physical and emotional, to carry Kate out of the building that night, to listen to her pleas and cries, to feel her fight him until she was spent. After the final gunshot echoed though the night, she finally broke away and ran back to try and pick up the shattered pieces. He dropped to his knees and vomited.

By the time he went to her, she was kneeling on the floor next to their fallen friend. Although tears still ran unchecked down her face, the broken women he knew she was, was pushed to the side. In it's place was only the numb, mechanical police officer who was calling in the shooting of a fellow officer.

Before the blue and red flashing lights began to arrive, Kate sent him away. With any officer's death, there would be a major investigation and if he was there, it would only arouse suspicion.

He begrudgingly left, but only on the promise that she'd call him as soon as she got back to the station. It was a promise she broke.

She never called. She never came over. His calls were left unanswered, as were his repeated knocks on her door. She texted him back a few times, saying she was OK and just needed time.

Five days passed before she finally showed up at his door.

"Hey, you mind if we talk?"

He held the door for her and then tried to gather her in his arms. She was stiff and didn't return the gesture, so he stepped back to give her space.

"Kate, I understand that you're upset and devastated with all that happened, but please don't shut me out. I want to get through this together."

"I know, but its not that simple. I can't just come here and cry it out in your arms."

"Why not?"

Kate turned away and took a few more steps away. "Because you're..." Her words trailed off.

He closed the gap again and turned her so they could talk face to face. "I'm what?"

"You're part of the problem."

Rick wasn't prepared for that. He dropped his hands as if the contact with her burned him.

Kate sighed and ran a hand through her hair. "You stopped me from helping him Rick. Maybe if you hadn't interfered, Roy might be still be alive."

"No Kate. You would be dead too. They were coming for you." Emotion choked Rick's throat, making his words sound strained.

"You don't know that, Rick. You play cop with me, but you aren't one. I'm trained. Roy took out all those guys alone. With backup we could have walked away."

"You know that's not true. He told you himself. I heard him. Do you think I wanted to drag you away like that? Do you think it made me feel like a hero? Hell no! Roy called me and told me what I had to do. He said it was the ONLY way to save you. I would do anything for you!"

Tears that Kate had been able to keep in check began to break through her facade. "He took a stand for me, and I should have been standing beside him. Instead I let fear and emotion take control and I hid in the shadows while he took a bullet meant for me."

Rick opened his arms and she fell into them, now fully sobbing. "No Kate, Montgomery took a stand against evil. He was trying to make amends for his own mistakes and protect those he loved while he still could. You didn't hide, you took cover, and because you're safe, now you're still here to continue to stand against criminals and murders. It wasn't your battle to fight."

Whether she accepted what he said or just was too emotionally drained to fight, he didn't know, because she never really responded, except to cling to him even tighter until she was cried out.

When the tears finally stopped and she'd cleaned herself up in the bathroom, Rick asked if she'd stay with him that night; he didn't want to be alone. The funeral was going to be the next day, and the thought of either of them having to get through the night without the other almost terrified him.

Kate did stay that night, but told him she'd have to leave early to get ready for the ceremony in the morning.

It was a long night. Sleep didn't come easily for either of them, and neither were in the mood for distractions. Most of the fitful hours were spent just holding each other in silence as they fought off personal demons and willed the nightmares to stay away.

When the alarm finally went off, Kate slowly pulled herself from bed. Rick watched as she mechanically went through her basic routine without any sign of emotion. On impulse, he got up as well, grabbed his clothes and announced that he would take her home.

She didn't argue or thank him or acknowledge him in any way other than an almost indiscernible nod.

Minutes after they returned to her place, there was a knock on the door. Rick answered it. Even though Kate hadn't mentioned expecting anyone, he wasn't surprised to find Ryan and Esposito in the hall.

Together, the four friends and partners prepared to lay their commander to rest. They talked about everything from the shooting to the ceremony and shared memories along the way.

Rick felt encouraged by the little "family meeting" and noticed that the others seemed to as well. By the time the guys headed out, he had hope that perhaps this day would be able to be more than a memorial, but a way to celebrate a loved and valued life.

At the funeral, Rick took his place with the police officers who'd included him as one of them. As one, they carried Captain Roy Montgomery to his final resting place. While Ryan and Esposito folded and presented the flag to the Roy's widow and children, Kate took her place at the podium where she would give the eulogy. At first he was tempted to stay near her side, but realized not only how out of place that would look, but figured it would also be a distraction that would annoy her, so he took a seat with Alexis and his mother.

When Kate spoke to the gathered mourners, it seemed as if she were speaking directly to everyone individually, but when she made eye contact with him, Rick knew her words were aimed directly at him.

As they held the poignant look, something in her face changed at the same moment he heard the shot.

Instinct had him shoving Alexis to the ground, but as soon as she was down, Rick jumped over people and chairs to reach his fallen Kate.

Lanie was hot on his heels and when they got to her, her red stained gloves and pale blue lips told of the severity of the situation.

Rick dropped to his knees and pleaded for her to open her eyes, for her to hold on and not give up, but she never responded.

Lanie began ripping open Kate's clothing, trying to save her life, but Rick couldn't watch as Kate's blood spilled over her skin and pooled in the grass.

Now, two days later, Rick sat at her side, still pleading for her to wake up. The doctor said she was stable and would most likely make a full recovery, but he needed to see her hazel eyes. He needed to feel her grip his hand. He needed to see that she was really alive.

Jim Beckett had finally fallen to sleep on the pull-out, and Rick could feel the weight of his own eyelids drooping. Rick moved his chair a bit closer to the bed, rested his head against the rail and slipped his strong hand into her limp one. When Kate woke up, he would not miss it.

Rick Castle: May 2012

The dreams never rested while Rick slept. When one became too much, he'd try unsuccessfully to wake up, only to dive right into another one. Some of the dreams were quite pleasant memories, but they didn't bring him rest. Others haunted him like ghosts, his own personal horror stories that he continued to relive.

No matter what the dreams focused on, they all had one thing in common... Kate Beckett.

She affected his life so deeply, that she was always with him, in his heart and in his mind.

Sometimes the dreams were more than games his mind played. They were memories so real that he actually believed he was reliving them or that she was there with him in the room.

After mentally fighting his way through her shooting for probably the thousandth time, there was actually a moment when he thought for sure he could hear her calling his name, and then touching his back and arm.

Somewhere in his unconscious state he considered trying the fight the fog in his head to reach out to her, but his heart won out. There was only one way he could still have Kate in his life and that was in his dreams.

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A/N: OK, I know that was a heavy one, but I feel that it was a necessary evil. Forgive me :)

The next chapter is back to Kate, so we can find out what Alexis told her and how she's going to deal with it. Look for that... probably early Monday morning.

Thanks for all the encouragement. I'm truly thrilled to see that so many people are already hooked so early in the story. I love reading your reactions, it makes all the time spent plotting, planning, writing and editing worth it!

Have a fantastic weekend!

DeBo81