Commercials Done by Lord of the Rings Characters 3/3
Gimli
*Gimli walks in angrily*
Gimli: I didn't sign up for this…
Director: AHEM.
Gimli: *sigh* Hey you, yes you, person watching this. Are you too short to jump across a broken bridge? Do you constantly have your beard grabbed to save you from falling to your death?
*unhappy silence*
Gimli: Probably not. But if you do, use Beard Brew, the only liquid product that makes your beard as strong as Mithril…wellllll, maybe not Mithril…
Director: Gimli…
Gimli: Perhaps as strong as tin foil, or maybe napkins…
Director: Gimli!
Gimli: Actually, I think I've had tissue paper that was stronger…
Director: GIMLI!
Gimli: DIRECTOR!
Director: YOU'RE AS BAD AS THE HOBBITS!
Gimli: YOU'RE AS BAD AS…AS YOUR FACE!
-Take Two-
Gimli: Hey you, yes you, person watching this. Are you too short to jump across a broken bridge? Do you constantly have your beard grabbed to save you from falling to your death?
*silence*
Director: Ahem.
Gimli: Ahem.
Director: Gimli…
Gimli: *in falsetto tone* Gimli…
Director: Stop that.
Gimli: Stop that.
Director: You're an idiot.
Gimli: You're an idiot.
Director: I'man idiot.
Gimli: I'm an idio - hey…
-Take Three-
Gimli: Hey you, yes you, person watching this. Are you too short to jump across a broken bridge? Do you constantly have your beard grabbed to save you from falling to your death? If so, then use Beard Brew, the only liquid product that makes your beard as strong as…metal. It even helps you grow a beard if you don't have one. As wel- *Gimli's beard falls off*
Director: …
Gimli: …
Director: …
Gimli: …
Director: Um…
Gimli: THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!
Director: I didn't do anything…
Gimli: THE Beard Brew DESTROYED MY FACE!
Director: Nothing a little Elmers Glue can't fix…
Gollum
*Gollum slowly meanders in*
Director: What the hell is that?
Gollum: Meanses, precious, meanses! Mean and nasty old man, gollum. We'll wring your neck, yes, and then bites out your eyeses, my precious, yes, my precious, yessss.
Director: …oooookay then.
Gollum: Does we sense he doesn't believe us, precious? Foolish man, we'll bite –
Director: Right, well, not that this chat isn't going well, but we need to get back to the advertising part. Do you have your product?
Gollum: What's a product, eh, precious?
Director: Oh, this is going to be a long day.
Gollum: Do you mean this, nasty fat man? *holds up a vial*
Director: Yes, yes, that's it. It's called Ring-a-Clean.
Gollum: …
Director: Not the manliest name ever.
Gollum: Rightses.
*camera starts to film*
Gollum: *sits silently*
Director: Say your lines!
Gollum: What's a line, precious?
Director: What you say.
Gollum: Fish.
Director: …what?
Gollum: That is the line, precious. Fish!
Director: No, no, it has to do with the product.
Gollum: What?
Director: The…ah, the Ring-a-Clean. It cleans rings.
Gollum: Fish.
Director: No, Ring-a-Clean.
Gollum: Fish?
Director: Ring-a-Clean.
Gollum: Oh, precious, we knows now! *eats Ring-a-Clean*
Director: THAT IS POISONOUS!
Gollum: Fish?
This program has been cut short for medical reasons. Make sure to by Ring-a-Clean the next time you see it in stores, though!
Just…don't eat it.
Please.
Don't.
Treebeard
*Treebeard can't fit through the door*
Director: What the hell is that?
Treebeard: Ho hum, manflesh I smell.
Director: …yeah.
Treebeard: Why hello there, young fellow.
Director: Hey…are you, um, presenting a product?
Treebeard: Now don't be hasty!
Director: I kind of need to know…
Treebeard: Slow down, young master Manflesh.
Director: My name isn't Manflesh…
Treebeard: Don't be hasty.
Director: I'm not –
Treebeard: You don't even know my name yet.
Director: I just want to go home and sleep…
Treebeard: Well now, hum, don't be hasty.
*twenty minutes later*
Treebeard: - and many days we have waited for the Entwives to come back, yet –
*an hour later*
Treebeard: - and the waterhole was all dried up! It seemed that the sun was far too strong for –
*two days later*
Treebeard: - and then the little rabbit found his mother again.
Director: …
Treebeard: Ho hum.
Director: That's…that's it?
Treebeard: No, don't be hasty. I was just thinking of how thirsty I am and –
Director: ARE YOU GOING TO REPRESENT A PRODUCT OR NOT?!
Treebeard: Don't be –
Director: I AM FREAKIN' HASTY. DEAL WITH IT.
Treebeard: Master Manflesh, I - *he sees a bottle of Entwash* Master Manflesh, what is this?
Director: A product that I'm selling.
Treebeard: This is from my forest!
Director: So?
Treebeard: You are stealing my property! *starts to break down the walls* Curse you, Master Manflesh, root and branch!
Director: Stop it, you'll –
*Treebeard slams his branches into an area where all of the footage and cameras sit. They all break*
Director: No…
Treebeard: *destroys stuff*
Director: No, no…
Treebeard: *destroys more stuff*
Director: …those were my advertisements. That I have spent all week filming. And editing. And enduring.
Treebeard: *stops destroying* Now, don't be hasty Master Manflesh.
Director: …I need a vacation.
Thanks to RandomFandom5 for reviewing, and thanks to radishesandspectraspects for following and favouriting.
The next time I think of a ficlet idea, I'll post it. Thanks for reading the advertisements!