Chapter Three: Understanding
I sat in the passenger's seat with my head laid against the window and door frame. I watched the scenery fly by as Edward sped down the highway toward the international border. Neither of us had spoken since we had started the trip. I knew it was only a matter of time before Edward would start asking me how I was doing. Part of me wanted him to do just that, but I had no idea how to answer him.
I was angry and not just at myself, but at Maria. I was angry that I allowed myself to be put in this situation.
"Jazz," Edward said.
I continued to look out the window as I replied. "I don't know, Edward. You can read my thoughts as well as I can. It's just one big mess up there, and I don't know how to sort it out."
I had stopped trying to hide my thoughts from Edward shortly after we left home. There was no point, and it was too difficult. I couldn't stay focused, and part of me didn't want to hide what I was going through my mind from Edward.
"I know, Jazz," Edward paused, and I turned to look at him, "Sometimes it helps to talk about it."
I sighed and turned back to the window. I could feel his eyes on me, but I didn't know what to say. Nothing that I could say would make me feel any better about what I did, nor could it change it.
"I don't know what you want me to say, Edward," I whispered, "Nothing I say will change what happened."
"I know that, Jazz. That doesn't mean you shouldn't talk about it. It could help you make sense of what is going on in your head," Edward reasoned.
"I'm angry at myself because I made a horrible decision. I should have known better, but I was so determined to get Maria that I let my judgment get clouded. I knew the human was there before I attacked Maria," I said in a whisper.
"I know, Jazz. Alice saw you make that decision," Edward said.
I snapped my head in Edward's direction. "Relax, Jazz. She won't say anything to the others."
I wasn't exactly worried about Alice saying anything. I was more worried that they others would think I had intentionally made that decision or intended to harm the human.
"I didn't mean for what happened to occur. I thought I could get her, but I should never have risked it," I looked away from Edward. "I'm sorry."
"You can't change what happened, but that can't ever happen again," Edward said as he placed a hand on my shoulder. I turned my head back toward him.
"I let my angry take control of me, and I made a mess of everything. I never should have gone into that situation the way I did. I went into it like a raw recruit, instead of a seasoned soldier," I said.
Edward did not speak, but I could still feel his disappointment. It stung, but I deserved no less.
"I should have handled it differently, but I was angry and I wanted revenge. I should have been more patient," I added.
Edward's hand slipped down from my shoulder and into my hand. "I shouldn't have made you go after her."
"You're not going to take any of the blame for this, Edward. I made the decisions, and I am the only one to blame for what happened out there," I said. I lay my head back against the window and door frame. "Is Alice angry with me?"
Edward turned his attention back to the road. "No, but she is disappointed."
I lowered my head slightly as I felt sadness, and disappointment. I deserved that response from Alice, too. I couldn't help that I still felt hurt by it.
"The others?" I asked in a faint whisper.
Edward squeezed my hand and looked back over to me, but I didn't meet his gaze. "I imagine that they will be disappointed," then he sighed, "and I wouldn't be surprise if a few of them might be angry with you."
Venom filled my eyes, and I slipped my hand away from Edward's grasp. "I'll make it easy on Carlisle. He shouldn't have to..."
I should have expected Edward reaction, but it still caught me off guard. The Car came to a sudden stop as Edward hit the brakes and then I got hit by a wave of anger. I flew forward a few inches but got caught by the seatbelt, which surprisingly didn't rip out of car frame.
"Jasper Whitlock, don't you even think about leaving! So help me..." Edward didn't finish speaking. He was furious and I actually flinched away from him. If he had wanted to beat the crap out of me I'd have let him without fighting back.
Edward was taking deep breathes, and his fist were clenching and unclenching as he sat in the driver's seat. I stared out the window as Edward calmed himself down.
"Running away will not solve anything," Edward said in a calm voice.
"It will at least keep Carlisle from having to kick me out," I replied. "I made an intentional decision to go after Maria knowing there was a human there. I violated his trust and broke one of our biggest rules. We're not suppose to put ourselves in situations where we could slip, and I did just that."
"Jasper, he's not going to kick you out. Carlisle won't even be angry with you, but he will be very disappointed. It's also likely that you'll need to re-earn his trust," Edward replied.
I knew Edward was right, but that didn't mean that the others would agree. "If you leave you'll hurt, Esme," Edward whispered, and in a much fainter voice I heard him add "and me."
Hurting Edward was not acceptable. I'd already done too much damage there, and I couldn't bear hurting him further. "What should I do?" I asked my voice just below a whisper.
"Tell them the truth. It won't be easy, but we don't keep secrets from each other," Edward answered.
Edward was right. Secrets cause rifts and rifts grow wider as you keep more secrets. The success of the Cullen family was due in part to our openness with each other. We didn't always agree on everything, but we hid nothing from each other.
"I'll be there with you, when you tell them," Edward said.
"Thank you."
Edward got back on the road. We didn't talk for the rest of the drive to the Montana house. When we got there I locked myself in my study for the next three days. Edward did check on me twice, but he knew I needed solitude. I spent those three days writing in my journal, or yelling at myself for being so careless.
It was Alice who made me unlock the door. The family had arrived on the third day we'd been at the house. Alice's first priority was to terrorize me. She threatened to break down the door and inflicted bodily harm if I did not let her in. I didn't feel like fighting so I let her in. I thought I could still ignore her even if she was in the room. I curled up on the couch with just that intention in mind.
Alice, however, would not be ignored. Her uncanny ability to see the future was my downfall. She knew what she had to do in order to get a reaction out of me. She started by rearranging my study. It wasn't quite enough of an annoyance to get a rise out of me, but it was only the start. Everyone has their way of organizing their possessions, and I have my own system. I liked to have things a certain way and Alice knew this of course.
I sent her my irritation about having my stuff rearranged, and she just smirked at me. She fucking smirked at me!
She next started flipping through my civil journals. I didn't have any secrets to hide in those journals, but it was the fact she did it without asking that peeved me. I sent her a wave of frustration and annoyance, and she just grinned at me. That stupid little grin made me angry.
I huffed and folded my arms across my chest in exaggerated annoyance. She then moved on to dusting every surface that was already immaculately clean. She made sure to be a major nuisance anytime she dusted around me. I had to move twice and by the third time I was ready to explode.
"Alice, get out!" I growled.
"Finally," Alice said. "Sit your ass down, Jasper Whitlock." The last part was said in a serious don't fuck with me tone. We just glared at each other waiting for the other to blink. Sadly, my southern up bringing kicked in and I sat down, but not without an over dramatic sigh.
"Drama queen," Alice mumbled. She'd still yet to explain the meaning of that phrase.
"Carlisle has decided there will be a family meeting shortly after they return from hunting. You need to speak with him before that meeting. It will make things easier on everyone if you tell him what happened and ask to speak to the family about it," Alice said.
"I don't deserve for anyone to go easy on me, especially not after what I've done," I replied.
"You are such a masochist, Jasper. It's no wonder you and Edward are so perfect for each other," Alice replied in an exasperated tone.
I just rolled my eyes at her. "Don't roll your eyes at me. Now listen, because I'm not going to repeat myself," Alice began.
I sighed, and gave her my attention. I figured the sooner I placate her, the sooner she'd leave me to mope in peace. "There will be no moping, Jasper."
"Stupid, annoying, physic vampire," mumbled.
Alice just ignored my comment and continued. "I've seen the meeting going a couple of ways. It's a more peaceful meeting if you speak with Carlisle. He's going to be very disappointed in you, Jasper. You already know this, but Carlisle places a great deal of trust in you. You are going to lose some of that trust, and you are going to need to reassure Carlisle that this won't happen again."
"I deserve no less," I said. This obviously was the wrong thing to say. Alice got very angry with me. The shear intensity of her anger was beyond anything I'd felt come off her before.
"Grow up, Jasper. Stop acting like a child and behave like an adult for once," Alice said angrily.
'What the hell?' I thought angrily.
"I am acting like an adult," I yelled angrily.
"No, you are not. You've been acting like a spoil little child. Every time something bad happens to you, its woe is me. You get all depressed and moody. You act like a child crying over spilt milk, instead of an adult who faces what comes his way."
"How dare you!" I replied lividly. I was beyond angry. How dare she claim I was acting like a child? I acted like more of an adult then anyone else in this family. She should be having this conversation with Emmett who acted like a child way more then anyone else.
"Wake up, Jasper. Look at your past and tell me I'm wrong. What did you do when you're sister was dying," Alice paused, most likely waiting for an answer. I just glared at her with fury in my eyes.
"You took your emotions out on Carlisle and Edward. You then ran off to sulk and cry about how unfair the world was being to you," Alice said.
This wasn't a fair example. My sister was dying and I didn't know how to handle that situation. "What did you expect from me? I had so little time with her, and she was dying."
Alice ignored me and kept right on going. "What about the little boy in the park at Christmas?"
It took a moment for me recall the memory of the little boy in the park in Milwaukee. 'What the hell was she talking about? I didn't hurt that boy,' I thought. That event was in some ways one of my proudest moments. Edward had helped me, but I had managed to keep control and not hurt him or anyone else.
"I didn't hurt that boy!" I replied angrily.
"No, but you slipped into self loathing immediately afterward," Alice replied.
Not my proudest moment, and I suppose I could have handled that better. I was not about to admit defeat to a five-foot nothing pixie. I just glared harder at Alice, but she didn't back down.
"When some of us slipped, what did you do?" Alice asked.
I frowned and realized that I was going to lose to a five-foot nothing hyperactive pixie. "I slipped into a depression worried that I'd be the next one to slip," I sighed.
"Jasper, I'm not making you remember these things because I want to punish you and make you feel worse. I'm trying to help you realize that you can't let things beyond your control do this to you," Alice said in a softer tone.
"I don't know how," I admitted.
"You are a 130 year old vampire who has seen and lived through things that would have killed just about anyone else. You survived because of your wits, intelligence and determination. You know when to trust your instincts, and in most cases you make sound judgments. I don't know what happened in Calgary, but I have a few theories," Alice replied.
"I let my anger get the better of me," I replied. "I wanted to punish Maria for going after my family. I wanted that bitch to pay."
"I don't think it was your anger, Jasper. I think it was your fear. Your fear that one day Maria would come back and hurt your family, and that you would be powerless to stop her. You saw an opportunity to stop her, but you knew that it was highly dangerous. You let your fear of the many unknown possibilities of the future take control," Alice replied.
"This family is all I have, Alice. I can't lose any of you," I replied.
"And we can't lose you, Jasper. I fear that if you don't face this that we will lose you," Alice replied.
Alice was right. I was letting my emotions, specifically fear, get the better of me. I needed to start acting like, Jasper Whitlock, and face my fears. I need to accept that there are thing in this world that are beyond my control.
"Alice," I said as I saw her leaving the room.
"You're welcome, and sorry if I was a bit hard on you," Alice replied, and then she added. "Edward is in the music room. The rest of the family is still hunting, but will be home soon."
I knew what I needed to do, but I wasn't exactly sure how to get there. First I needed to speak with Edward. I left my study and headed to the first floor. I found Edward in the music room, just as Alice said.
He was seated at the piano playing a new song. It was not one that I had heard him play before and it seemed to be a work in progress. It began with a mournful tone, but seemed to have peaks of happiness. I didn't want to interrupt, but I really did want to speak with Edward.
"Come in, Jasper," Edward said as he stopped playing and turned to look at me. He appeared to be appraising my appearance. "You appear to be in one piece, so I assume that means Alice didn't inflict any permanent damage."
"Not in the physical sense. She did open my eyes to some things that I need work on," I replied.
I walked into the room fully and over to Edward. "I need to apologize..." I began, but Edward interrupted me. "Jazz..."
"Edward, please this is important."
Edward sighed, but let me continue. "I need to apologize for my behavior. I haven't been fair to you. I've been acting like a child, and not facing my fears like an adult. You deserve better..." Edward couldn't help himself and had to interrupt me again.
"Jazz..."
"Edward, just let me finish."
Edward sighed again, and I continued. "You deserve to be treated better. I know that I can't do this all on my own. I need help," I said. Saying those last three little words were probably the hardest three words I've ever said in my life.
Edward smiled at me and stood up. He pulled me into a hug. "I know that was hard for you to admit you need help."
I hugged Edward back, and rested my head against his shoulder. "You treat me better, than you give yourself credit for at times. I will agree that you've been acting like a spoil little brat these last few days, but I'll let it slide."
I could feel his humor. "Hey! I am not a spoiled little brat!" I replied with mock hurt.
"Yes you are, but you're my spoiled little brat," Edward replied with a grin as he pulled back from our hug. I reluctantly let go of him.
"Alice pointed out that I tend to complain how unfair the world is being to me when things go bad for me. She's right, but don't tell her I said that," I replied, knowing full well that Alice could hear me.
"I heard that!" Alice said from her room.
"My lips are sealed," Edward replied with a grin.
"I don't give enough credit for all the things that fate has blessed me with; you, this family and the many opportunities that I've gotten because of all of it. You gave me hope for a better life, Edward. It's because of you that I've succeeded in the challenges I face. I need your help more then ever to face this challenge," I said.
Edward cupped my face with his right hand and brushed his thumb across my cheek bone. "I'm always here for you, Jasper, just like you are always there for me. We're partners in this life, and together we can overcome anything."
The noise of our family returning from their hunt brought an end to our conversation. Edward's hand slipped from my face and I grabbed it before it came to rest by his side. "I need to speak with Carlisle."
Edward squeezed my hand in acknowledgment, but I didn't let go. Together we proceeded up to Carlisle's study on the second floor. He had just entered it moments ago. Alice had probably told him I'd want to speak with him when he returned.
"Come in, Jasper," Carlisle said as we stopped outside his study.
Edward closed the door behind us as we entered the room. "Alice told me you'd like to speak with me before the meeting," Carlisle said as he took a seat in the overstuffed chair by the fire place.
Edward and I took a seat on the sofa beside it. "I would like to speak to the family at the meeting about what happened in Calgary, but first I need to apologize to you," I began.
"Go on," Carlisle said with interest.
"I've let you down, and I have earned your disapproval and disappointment. I've also betrayed the trust you have in me," I continued.
Carlisle's emotions were skeptical, but he did not voice his emotions. He allowed me to continue.
"I knew the human was there, but I chose to pursue Maria. I knew it was dangerous, but I couldn't let her get away," I finished.
"I see," Carlisle began. "I assume you were aware of this?"
Carlisle's question was directed at Edward. "Alice had a vision of the decision just before it occurred," Edward replied.
"Alice and Edward would not have had knowledge of what happened if it were not for their gifts. Any disapproval or anger you have that they did not come to you about this should be directed at me. I'm the one who made the decision and caused this mess," I replied quickly. Alice and Edward had done nothing wrong.
Carlisle sighed and turned his attention fully to me. "You are correct about my disappointment. I place a great deal of trust in you and Edward."
I wanted to protest that Edward was innocent in all of this but Carlisle just helped up his hand. "Let me finish."
"I place a great deal of trust in the two of you because I know that I can count on the two of you to do the right thing. I know that Edward's gift is the only reason that he knows about what happened. I also know that Edward doesn't share anyone's secrets, and I have to respect that. I assume that he and Alice both spoke with you about coming forward with this now instead of later?" Carlisle continued.
"Yes. I would have told you eventually, but they prompted me to come forward sooner. Alice tends to get her way," I replied.
"Yes, she does." Carlisle replied and was silent for a moment. "This brings us to the why. Why did you choose that decision?"
"At first I thought it was out of anger, but Alice pointed out that it was more likely fear that drove my decision. I think she is most likely right about the fear. At the time I was angry that Maria would try to hurt any of you. This family is all that I have in my life that is good. I would do anything to protect it. I let my emotions cloud my judgment and I chose wrong. An innocent life was lost in the process and Maria is still a danger to us," I replied.
"Fear is a powerful emotion, as you no doubt know. On the field of battle it is a powerful ally or a powerful enemy. You must learn to face your fear if you are to survive the battle, but this you already know." Carlisle said.
Carlisle turned his attention to the fireplace which was lit. "Man feared fire before he learned to use it. Fire is a powerful force that must be respected and treated with care. Fear is the same. You must learn to respect it before you can use fear."
"I understand," I replied.
"Good. We live differently then the others of our kind. This difference is what allows us to connect with our humanity. We live in one of the largest covens in peace, even when we don't necessarily agree with each other. I know what happened with Maria could have very easily had different results, but it turned out okay. You must not let your anger and fear bring you down to her level. Because when you do, it causes you to lose touch with your humanity and who you are as a person," Carlisle said.
"Yes Sir," I replied. "I am sorry, and I hope that you will provide me with the opportunity to regain your trust," I added.
"I know that it took a great deal of courage for you to come speak to me. To tell me what you did, and admit that it was the wrong decision. That is to be respected. Others in your position might not have had the courage to do the same. I am still disappointed with your choice, but my trust you have regain," Carlisle replied.
"Thank you. I won't make the same mistake twice," I said.
"Good," Carlisle said and stood walking over to the door.
Edward stood as well and I rose to follow him out. "Jasper, the others may not be as forgiving. You should prepare yourself for a difficult meeting," Carlisle added.
"Yes sir," I replied.
We gathered in the dinning room, which is our traditional meeting room. Carlisle was the last to enter the room, and he took his normal seat at the head of the table. I hesitantly took my seat beside Edward, and kept my hands in my lap. Edward slipped his left hand into my right hand. This had a great calming effect on me.
"Jasper has asked to be allowed to speak first. The floor is yours, Jasper," Carlisle said.
"I want to first apologize to each of you for what happened in Calgary. After I left all of you to pursue Maria I let my fear get the better of me. I made a really bad decision and it resulted in the death of an innocent human," I began.
"Jasper, it wasn't your fault," Esme replied.
"No, it was my fault. I knew where Maria was headed and I changed course to get ahead of her. I got to the overlook before she did, and I knew the human was there. I was angry, and I didn't want her to get away. I chose to wait for her and fight her with the knowledge that the human was there," I added.
I felt Rosalie's anger rise as I finished, but she didn't say anything.
"Did you intentional bite the human?" Esme asked in a serious tone.
"No, but I did knowingly put him in harms way by continue to pursue Maria. I was angry with what she did, but I was more afraid of what she could do in the future. That fear clouded my judgment." I answered.
"Let me get this right. You knew the human was there, and that he could possibly see you. You knew there was a good chance that you'd be exposed, and by extension all of us would be exposed; and you still pursued Maria?" Rosalie asked. Her anger was getting more apparent with each word she spoke.
"Yes," I replied.
"You like to look at yourself in mirrors all the time, Rosalie. Perhaps now would be a good time to do so and remind yourself about your actions in Rochester," Edward added. 'People in glass houses should not cast stones,' Edward added mentally.
Rosalie didn't say anything, but she was livid.
"I want to add that regardless of what decision that Jasper made the human would still be dead. Maria would have killed the human, and she still would have gotten away. Maria forcing Jasper into a bloodlust that resulted in him to kill the human that should be punishment enough for his error in judgment," Alice said.
"Punishment? More like a treat, if you ask me," Rosalie sneered.
"No one asked you," Edward replied angrily. I squeezed his hand and send him a wave of calm. I didn't want him to get into a fight with Rosalie.
"Jasper made the right choice, in my opinion. Maria is never going to give up. We were very lucky that no one got hurt. The next time we might not be so lucky. Maria is a vindictive and determined foe. She will be back," Peter said as he squeezed Alice's hand.
"The right decision? Are you stupid? He could have exposed us and brought the Volturi down on us," Rosalie growled at Peter.
"I doubt you'd have let it come to that. From what I hear you don't have a problem killing humans," Peter replied.
Rosalie made a move for Peter, but Emmett stopped her. "Rosie, stop."
"Those bastards deserved what they got!" Rosalie growled.
"Rosie, no one is disagrees with you on that. Please, babe, calm down," Emmett said.
Carlisle took control of the meeting again. "You were wronged in Rochester, Rosalie. However, not everyone you killed was guilty. I looked the other way because those who wronged you deserved justice. Anyone else have anything they want to add?"
"I do," Emmett said. "I don't agree with Jasper's decision to continue pursuing Maria, but I can understand why he'd want to stop her. When you were all held captive I was going crazy with worry. Not just for Rosie, who occupied my mind almost completely, but also for all of you. I have no problem saying that I was scared to lose any of you. If it hadn't been for Jasper, and his leadership, I'm not sure we'd have succeeded in bring all of you home."
There was silence for several minutes, and even Rosalie's anger lessened just a little. "I know I made a bad decision, but I didn't do it maliciously. I never intended for that human to get hurt or expose us. I just couldn't let Maria get away with what she had done to us. I think you can understand that," I said softly.
Rosalie sighed, "I can understand that, but I'm still angry with you," She was still was angry with me, but it wasn't nearly as intense.
"If no one has anything further to add," Carlisle said with a pause, "then we'll move onto the next topic. We need to decide where we are going to move to next. We can either stay here for a while or move immediately to a new place."
"This is partially off topic, but it'll make sense in a moment," Edward began. "Riley and Eleazar had come to share some news before arriving to find the issue with Maria. Riley recently applied and was accepted to Northwestern University in Evanston Illinois, which is just north of Chicago. He had come to also ask if Jasper and I would stay with him while he was attending school."
"Why didn't you tell me this sooner?" I asked.
"Because you were being a moody little bitch," Edward replied.
'Ouch. Okay I deserved that,' I replied with my thoughts.
"Has enough time passed to allow Carlisle to return to Chicago?" Emmett asked.
"A lot of people died during the influenza outbreak. I'd be less concerned about someone recognizing me then I'd be with many of the other places we've lived. It was a mess, and records were not kept very well back then. I think it would be safe to return," Carlisle said.
"Chicago would be an okay choice. The number of cloudy days is near two-hundred," Alice added.
"Any other suggestions or do we want to tally votes?" Carlisle asked.
"Chicago is fine with me," Rosalie replied.
"Any objections?" Carlisle asked. Hearing none Carlisle declared Chicago as our new home, and ended the family meeting.