Chapter 3: FACTS AND FIGURES or I HEAR YOU LOUD AND CLEAR
Strider barely has to step into his house to get everything he needs to leave the country; he has a duffel bag packed and ready to go in the closet by the door at all times. He grabs a can of iced coffee from the fridge and cracks it open, downing it in one before setting the empty can on the counter and turning back towards the door. He tosses the heavy black bag in the boot of his Aston standing in his driveway and sets off for the airport.
His iPhone connects to the bluetooth system in the car automatically, so when he presses the call button on the dash and tells it to call Vriska Serket, the Dropkick Murphys blast from his car's sound system. After a few seconds, Vriska answers.
"What do you want this time? It's fucking midnight!"
"Please, like you were really asleep. You're never asleep, probably preoccupied listening to awful hip-hop- you caught me off-guard last time but I hope you didn't think I was going to let Lil' Wayne slide. Not on my watch, madam." He smiles. They can't start a conversation without insulting each other's lifestyles for at least a couple of minutes.
"Oh yeah?" she scoffs, "Then please, since it's impossible that I could be doing anything more important than waiting by the phone thinking of you, heaving deep sighs and doodling the words 'Mrs. Vriska Strider' in between the names on my hit list, please tell me what's on your mind!"
"Holy Christ in heaven, troll or otherwise, talking to you is exhausting. I don't know why I do it, honestly, but you're right to feel honored. The chance to personally experience a phone call from His Striderness himself is a once-in-a-lifetime honor for most women, and you get it twice in twenty-four hours."
"Oh? Then I hope you brought extra Striderness for my lovely companion here. Say 'nihao,' xiao Feiyun!"
"Oh god, what the fu-" but before he could finish he was interrupted by a third voice, speaking rapid Chinese.
"She says you should leave me alone! She says you interrupted her macking and she still has lots of macking to do!"
"Is this the same one as-"
Vriska laughs shrilly. "Nope! I get aaaaaaaall the ladies, Strider. All of them! You're just going to have to face it- I get more action than you and there's nothing you can do about it!"
"We'll see about that. I told you about my new secretary; she's a tough nut to crack but I'm getting there. And I got a new partner today for a case, from the Legislacerators of all places. Bit crazy, not gonna lie, but I can already tell she's gonna be amazing in-"
"Is it Terezi Pyrope?" There's no humor in Vriska's voice anymore.
"Er- well, yes, how did you know?"
"Strider, all joking aside, I like you a lot. So listen close 'cause I'm only going to say this once. Terezi Pyrope cannot be trusted. I'm good, without a doubt, but she's so, so much better."
"What? Better at what?"
"Jeeeeeeeez, you name it! Blackmail, extortion, assassination, thievery- The only thing I'm actually better than her at, believe it or not, is dealing with humans. The people she works for, the legislacerators, are in no way 'law enforcement' in the way you think!"
"Well no shit, I could tell she wasn't your average beat cop, but are you saying they're criminals or what?"
"I can't really tell you much more, but think about it this way. In a society where even the royalty has a frond in the criminal underworld, would you really expect any organization to be completely just?"
"When you put it that way, no… Thanks, Vriska, I'll let you get back to your Chinese take-out now."
"Be careful, Strider! Having to sneak into a military funeral would be a huge pain in the ass, especially if it was yours!"
"Awww, you'd come to my funeral? That's sweet."
"That's what moi- friends are for, Dave." She hangs up.
O+O+O+O+O
Arriving at the airport, Dave's already a bit on edge. Terezi is leaning on the Bentley, arms crossed and eyes hidden behind her ruby-lensed shades. When she senses Dave, she jerks her head in the direction of a small private jet. "Aradia is already inside. You ready?"
"Do you even have to ask? I've been wanting to pay a visit to the Continent for months, and I've heard Spain is lovely this time of year."
The troll stands up and gathers up her cane and a fashionable piece of luggage, leading Strider up the small flight of steps into the plane. It's a comfortable Japanese make, not that the agent knows much about private jets, and the inside is all paneled in lacquered blond wood. Aradia is sitting on one of the swivel armchairs inside, carafe in one hand and ice tongs in the other. "Care for a drink, sir?"
Terezi frowns. "What did the rules say about drinking, Megido?"
"If I recall, it said something like 'trolls operating under the supervision of The Legislacerators are forbidden to consume intoxicants, stimulants, or depressants, including but not limited to sopor slime, alcohol, or any narcotic substances such as hallucinogens or opiates.' Is that close?" She offers a saccharine smile that does nothing to dissuade Terezi's distasteful expression.
"So why then, pray tell, are you offering an alcoholic drink to special agent Strider?"
"Simple. He isn't a troll." She drops an ice cube in a cut-glass cup of soda water and fills it to two fingers of Scotch. She hands it to Strider with a wink and then reclines in her chair.
Terezi has nothing to say, but her frown tells of many things she'd like to. "Now then, Sollux Captor. What does the name mean to you?"
"Some kind of computer hacker, got a whole underground network, Feferi Peixes might be involved."
"That's a very… succinct way to put it. Unfortunately, while all that is true, there's much more you need to know."
"Really? Like what?" Dave stirs his scotch and soda. The jet begins to take off, but it's still smooth and quiet inside the cabin.
"There's three things you have to understand about Sollux Captor. The first is that he's a lowblood- I assume you're well-educated enough about the hemospectrum to know what that means. Second, he's a powerful psychic, capable of telekineses of a high degree. Third, you were right about his being involved with Feferi Peixies. She's his matesprit." Her face is deadly serious at this point.
Strider adjusts his shades and leans forward in his seat. He whirls the amber fluid in his glass around a couple times then drains it. Setting the glass down on the small table fixed in between his and Aradia's chairs, he levels his crimson eyes at Terezi. "Listen to me, Pyrope. I don't care who the bastard is or what he can do with his brain. Tell me where he is and I'll take care of him."
Aradia claps sarcastically.
Terezi continues. "We don't know where he is. Every lead we've got ends up being planted and none of our sources will say anything."
"Anyone else I should know about on this case? There's never only one when it comes to troll criminals. On the Ampora case I had to deal with like fifty or more to get to him, if Harley hadn't been there I'd be fishfood."
"You should have seen him that night," interrupts Aradia. "He was sooo smooth. Nearly charmed me right out of my stockings."
"And the fact we had to fight Equius whats-his-name and Vriska Serket-"
Terezi's face, a resigned smile up to this point, immediately seizes up. "Vriska Serket? They caught Vriska Serket?"
"Er, no, she got away- nothing I could do," Dave lies. He picks up his glass and hands it to his secretary. "Aradia, darling, another please?" She immediately busies herself with the carafe.
"Dave Strider! I absolutely forbid you from communicating with Vriska Serket in any way on this mission! Do you understand?"
"What makes you think I'm communicating with her? She's a wanted criminal!"
"Because I know her, and I'm getting a smell for you, and you two are made for each other. I wouldn't be surprised if you just let her go on that night. Probably got her phone number first, though. Hmm? Am I close?"
Terezi's intuition strikes Dave dumb for a split second. "Terezi, love, you're not talking sense." He receives his drink from Aradia and takes a sip.
"Don't underestimate me, Strider, just because you don't understand me. I have very little patience for humans, and even less for lies. I can smell right through them. I can smell right through them." The Spanish affect to her voice rises as she becomes more impassioned. Dave feels a bit of blood rush to his face. He hates to admit it to himself but when she gets going, when she gets hot-blooded… well. This could require further investigation.
"Now then, I was about to introduce the cast to you. These are the trolls you need to know on this case," She slides a few folders, emblazoned with the same seal as the side of the jet, onto the table. Dave opens the top one. A thin, dangerous-looking troll glares back at him. Spiky hair conceals a pair of short, rounded horns and he's got a rather large scar stretching from underneath one eye to the other across the bridge of his nose. "Karkat Vantas. Sollux's moirail and bodyguard. Likes to use knifes, not above using anything else. He's quick, this one, and had a tendency to vanish into thin air."
"Looks like he's seen some shit."
"He was imprisoned for five years in a maximum security penal colony before Sollux busted him out and smuggled him to Earth."
"Wait, Captor smuggled him to Earth?"
"Captor can move anything to anywhere. A psionic like him doesn't think the same way we do about physical obstructions. Most of the trolls he smuggles here simply have to pay him back in money, but not his moirail. He had to give him his entire life."
"And this one… No psychic powers or whatever?"
"Oh, he's got powers, all right. But that's my business, not yours," Terezi smirks in a way Dave would almost call suggestive if he didn't know her better. "Nothing you have to worry about, rest assured. Next!"
The next folder on the stack is marked with a different seal- Dave recognizes it at once. "Interpol? What does Interpol have to do with anything?"
"This next one isn't one of our targets, actually, but you've got to be aware of her nonetheless."
Dave's eyebrow twitches slightly as the folder opens to reveal a color photo of Fereri Peixes. "What? The queen!"
"Indeed. As she is a member of royalty, we can't actually charge her with any crimes. However, she's not above human law. Her predecessor, the previous empress, signed a contract in agreement with this when we set up the first colony here. You'd have been about, oh-"
"I was thirteen." Says Dave. "Bit over twenty years ago now."
"Yes, about six sweeps old." Terezi begins to chew on her pen, needle-sharp teeth poking little holes in the soft plastic. "Anyway, Feferi's racked up a bit of a 'rap sheet,' as they say, and is wanted by a few different human law organizations, mostly in the States. Interpol would love to catch her on counts of smuggling."
"Who'd have thought, criminals in office. Well, she was never really elected, was she? Anyway, we had a lovely conversation the night of the Ampora job and then she tried to kill me, so I wouldn't mind seeing her behind bars. Next?" Dave glances at Aradia, dutifully taking notes on her iPad. She beams at him when she notices she's being watched, though whether out of satisfaction or sarcasm is anyone's guess.
"Those were the main acts, now it's time for the sideshow. There's at least three trolls we're aware of who have been hired to kill you."
"Excuse me?" Dave is cool as can be most of the time, but being told there are multiple assassins after you is somewhat difficult news to take.
"A pair and a spare. Take a look," Terezi pulls out three more folders and flips them all open.
Dave cocks an eyebrow. Sideshow is right, these are three of the strangest-looking trolls he's ever- wait one moment. "I know that one! Jade- Captain Harley was talking to him at Eridan's party!" He points to the one marked 'Tavros Nitram', a gangly-looking young troll with an overbite and horns that extended out of the sides of the frame. "He's a hitman?"
"Tavros? Yes, though not a very good one from what I've heard. He can commune with animals, which I suppose is what he uses to perform assassinations. He works closely with this one, Gamzee Makara, a highblood of incredible strength and even more incredible stupidity." She points to the picture of Gamzee Makara, a zoned-out looking troll with dark bags under his eyes. "He's a sopor addict, so most of the time he's harmless, but he can be extremely deadly when he's off the stuff. Let's see..." She flips the last folder open. A picture of a grinning female troll is paperclipped to a sheet on the inside. At first glance, all Dave can conclude about her is that she's pretty cute. "Nepeta Leijon. The Leijons are a clan of greenbloods in service to the Zahhak clan, trained from birth to be the finest stealth warriors. This one, though… Maybe not so much."
"Zahhak, Zahhak, where have I heard that name before?" Dave strokes his chin and ponders.
"Zahhak as in Equius Zahhack, who was arrested on the same night as Ampora. He was subsequently released, as he'd committed no actual crimes, and Captain Harley chose not press charges."
"Surprising, she can be very vindictive. Plus she's American," Dave smirked, "You know how they are."
Aradia politely clears her throat.
The rest of the plane ride passes smoothly, and before long Dave's watching Madrid bloom into detail below him through the jet's tiny window as if he were pinch-zooming it on his iPhone. Verdant city blocks gain detail in the dusky light as joggers and cyclists zip about between small French cars and couples sitting outside cafes. The nearer they get to the airport, the more Dave is anxious to breathe in air that doesn't taste of fog and mold.
When they step out of the jet onto the runway, the warm evening embraces Strider and he can't help but smile. Aradia fetches their luggage and they go to meet the official Legislacerator car already arriving, ready to take them to their new headquarters.
Cultural notes:
"macking" in Chinese is "跑狼" (paolang, pronouced pow-long), or literally "running girls". You're welcome.