A/N: So this is the next chapter, and it's crazy long, which is why it took so long to come out.

Please read, enjoy and review.

silverdragon

Chapter 3 Nightmares and Last Wishes

~Allen~

As he started to walk out of the room he felt a slight pressure on his wrist, pulling him back ever so gently. He felt his heart soar slightly until he turned around and saw that Kanda was still lying on the table, dead. He looked at his wrist for a moment and saw a transparent hand gripping his wrist just before he felt the pressure vanish, wondering what had just happened. He shrugged it off as lingering sorrow, and walked out of the room to come face to face with a certain red head.

"Hey Allen, how are you holding up?" Lavi asked kindly, none of tears from earlier present in his face.

"Fine I guess. I just can't believe he's gone," Allen looked at the floor, feeling the tears threating to fall once again. He managed to hold them back though, crying wouldn't bring Kanda back. So there was no point in balling his eyes out, no matter how much he wanted to.

"Neither can I," Lavi sighed, "But I guess it was just his time to go."

Allen felt a little hurt by the words, it almost sounded as if the red head didn't care at all that Kanda had just died. Lavi was being so insensitive, and to Allen's grief stricken mind it was almost like a physical blow. Of course the white haired boys thoughts where frazzled, and he couldn't seem to remember that Lavi was a Bookman, and Bookmen weren't supposed to grow attachments, or show emotion. As such Allen managed to overreact to Lavi's words.

"How could you say that? Kanda was your friend, and you just act like he was no one to you. You're a horrible person, just go away." Allen lashed out before running in the direction of his room.

"Allen, wait I didn't mean it that way," Lavi's shouts could be heard through the hallway, directed at Allen's retreating back, but the boy chose not to listen.

When he finally made it back to his room he closed and locked the door before sinking onto the bed. Burying his face in a pillow he started to cry his eyes out, drenching the pillow case in tears. Timcampy came over to try and comfort him, but Allen just knocked him away, not wanting to be touched by anyone other than his lost lover. When the tears had run out Allen curled into a ball, his body shaking as dry sobs wracked his body.

He eventually fell asleep, his body too tired to do anything at all. This sleep brought with it dreams of Kanda.

Kanda was sitting on a bench in a beautiful garden, long ebony tresses fanning out across his back while he looked at the stars. Allen raced over to where his lover sat, a smile gracing his features as he sat down on the bench, looking at the graceful form of the man next to him. The older man's face looked so peaceful, so angelic, that all Allen could manage to do was stare.

When Kanda's gaze finally left the stars he looked down at the younger boy, a slight smirk forming when he noticed the boy's staring. Allen sat there mesmerized by his lover, looking very much alive and beautiful as ever. When the Japanese man reached up a hand to stroke Allen's face, the younger boy leaned into the touch, wanting to feel the familiar warmth of Kanda's hand.

Allen quickly pulled back when he felt how cold Kanda's hand was, and looked into the cobalt eyes he loved with confusion. What he saw tore at his heart, the usually cold and piercing gaze of his lover had clouded over, leaving nothing but emptiness behind. The white haired boy looked at Kanda's face to see faint scratches adoring the usually flawless skin. Those scratches slowly morphed into deep, angry, red gashes, ripping the face of his lover into pieces and leaving only the skull behind.

The young boy screamed, not knowing what else to do, until blackness overtook him.

Allen woke up in a cold sweat, sitting straight up in his bed and reaching for the figure that should've been in bed next to him. That is when he remembered, there wasn't going to be a body next to his, because Kanda was dead and wouldn't be coming back. Once again the thought hurt his heart, and he curled into himself until sleep overcame him again, bringing new and even more terrifying nightmares.

Allen felt himself falling, slowly sinking into an abyss of darkness. He couldn't see anything, but for some reason he wasn't scared. There was a calming quality to the darkness, and Allen found himself breathing in and out slowly, letting go some of the tension that had been plaguing him sense learning of Kanda's death.

When he felt cold arms wrap around his torso he didn't even flinch. For some odd reason he felt safe in those arms, and even though they weren't warm they managed to calm the frazzled nerves of the white haired teen.

He moved his head back, nuzzling into the neck of the person behind him. Taking in a deep lungful of the person's scent he froze for a moment. He recognized the smell, a sweet mixture of flowers and spice that was distinct to only one person. He turned around in the persons arms, trying to see a face in the blackness.

When he realized that he couldn't see anything, Allen reached out a hand and tried to touch the face of the person holding him, but his hand didn't meet any kind of flesh. Instead his fingertips met with cold bone, and he quickly jerked away.

It was then that a brilliant flash of light illuminated the scene in front of the young man, adding to the horror of the nightmare. Instead of the face of his lover all he could see was a rotting skull, and the arms that he'd felt so safe in, were nothing but bone.

Allen could feel himself running away, but he felt hands grab his wrists, pinning them above his head. He couldn't manage to break free, so he started screaming at the top of his lungs.

He woke up again, only this time it was because Lenalee was holding his hands in a death grip and trying to shake him awake.

"Allen, wake up! It's okay, it's just a dream," the girl said, trying to calm Allen down before he hurt himself.

He stopped moving, proving to the girl that he was awake and that she could let him go. When she did he sat up slowly, trying to keep himself together after such a terrible nightmare. He shook his head a few times, attempting to rid himself of the image of Kanda as a skeleton, but he failed miserably. Looking up, he saw that Lenalee was still there, a look of concerned covering her face. In an attempt to prove he was fine he tried to form one of his usual smiles, but couldn't make his mouth move into the familiar shape.

He looked at the floor, not wanting to make eye contact with the girl while he was so vulnerable. They sat there for a moment, neither one of them wanting to break the silence.

When it was apparent that Allen wasn't going to talk, Lenalee stood up and made her way to the door, "I know that you probably don't want to talk right now, but know that when you do, I'm here for you."

Allen heard the door close and put his head in his hands, wondering how he was going to survive if this was only the beginning. He stood up and walked over to the mirror in the corner of his room, taking in his gaunt appearance, and the bags under his eyes. He looked absolutely terrible, and that was only after one night without Kanda by his side. He got dressed and walked out of his room, no matter how depressed he was he still needed to eat.

As he made his way down the hallway no one stopped him to talk like they usually did, but everyone seemed to look at him with pity in their eyes. He shuffled into the cafeteria and went over to the counter, behind which Jerry was furiously cooking. When he noticed Allen the cook stopped what he was doing and raced over to where Allen was standing, giving the small teen a huge hug from across the counter.

"Oh Allen, honey, I'm so sorry to hear about you're loss," Jerry was squeezing him so tightly that it hurt to draw breath, but Allen just stood there. He couldn't figure out how to react. Should he push the man off him and run away crying, or should he hug back, letting the person feel as if they were actually helping, when they were doing nothing of the sort.

Allen opted for the second option, hugging Jerry back ever so slightly before pulling away and saying, "I'm fine Jerry, please don't worry. Can I please have some eggs and bacon for breakfast, but a normal size portion today, I don't feel much like eating."

Jerry looked a little skeptical at the request, but when Allen managed to shoot him a smile the cook seemed to relax a bit. Allen stood there waiting for his order when Komui walked up to him, holding an official looking document in his hands.

"Hi Allen, I know that with everything that happened yesterday you're probably feeling terrible, but there are some things we need to talk about in reference to Kanda's last wishes," the head of the Order bowed his head a little, as if waiting for Allen to burst into tears. When the white haired teen didn't Komui looked up, seemingly surprised at Allen's lack of reaction.

"What do we need to discuss?" Allen asked as he picked up his tray of food and walked over to an empty table.

"It can wait until you're done eating," Komui looked a tiny bit flustered by Allen's calm words, but managed to continue, "Meet me in my office when you're done, I'll be reading Kanda's will when you arrive."

Allen nodded his head as the purple haired man left, starting to eat slowly. While trying to eat Allen mused at how strange he was acting now that Kanda was gone. When he'd usually eat multiple plates of food, today he only had the appetite for one. Then there was how slow he was eating, normally he'd be eating at the speed of light, consuming food left and right, but now he was actually eating at a relatively human pace.

When he was done he took his tray to the counter to be cleaned, and even though he was full of food he still felt strangely empty, almost hollow. He tried to ignore it as he made his way to Komui's office, wondering just what was in store for him.

When he walked in he noticed that only a few people were there, namely Lenalee, Lavi, Komui, Marie, and Tiedoll. They were all either standing or sitting around Komui's cluttered desk, watching as Komui brought out the same document he'd been holding when he ran into Allen in the cafeteria. It took a moment for Allen to see the items in a small pile behind the desk. On top of the pile, in actuality it was more speared into the pile, was Mugen.

"Great now that we're all here, I can't start reading Kanda's last will and testament," Komui pushed his glasses up on his nose and started reading,

"I Yuu Kanda, at the time of my death, bequeath a majority of my possessions to my friends and family as follow. To General Tiedoll I give my Exorcist coat, it was with your guidance that I was able to reach such excellence as an Exorcist…" Komui paused a moment to located said coat and hand it over to Tiedoll.

"He always did say that I looked good in that coat," A voice seemed to whisper inside Allen's head. It was definitely Kanda's voice, but when Allen looked around no one else seemed to have heard it. He shook it off as his mind playing tricks on him and continued listening.

"…. To Marie I give my golem, because you never know when contacting someone might come in handy…" Komui found the item and gave it to Marie.

"Marie always wanted my golem, said it was more compact then his," Kanda's voice said again. Allen was starting to get a little worried. Was he going insane? Where was this voice coming from?

"… To Lavi I give my sword case, you may not need it, but it makes a great decoration…" Komui pulled a decorative case from the pile and handed it over to Lavi.

"That damn Usagi kept commenting on how pretty it looked, and how much he wanted to add it to his damn collection." Allen looked around again, trying to find the source of the voice, because he knew it wasn't coming from inside his head. So where did it originate from?

"… To Lenalee I give my lotus flower hourglass, even though the flower is gone now, you were one of the few who understood its significance to me…" Komui placed the large glass structure on the table, not wanting to break it.

"She was one of the few people I told, along with you and the rabbit," Kanda's voice seemed to be coming from the corner of the room, but Allen couldn't tell much more than that.

"… To Allen, I give my most prized possession, Mugen, in the hopes that he remember me always, and perhaps find its new Accommodator…" Komui reached behind him and grabbed Mugen from the floor, walking over to where Allen was propped up against the wall.

He left me Mugen? How is that even possible? I can't carry around an Innocence that isn't mine can I? I'm not a general, so why would anyone agree to this? The thoughts were cut off by Kanda's voice, coming from the corner of the room once again.

The words Kanda spoke were so heartfelt they almost didn't sound like the stoic Japanese man that everyone knew, but Allen could tell that this was just how Kanda talked when he didn't care who was around. It was an openness that was reserved for Allen, something that no one else had ever seen or heard. It was by the words that Allen could tell that it was really Kanda talking, not just his imagination playing tricks on him. There were tears in his eyes as he looked at the spot where Kanda's voice was emanating from, seeing nothing but an empty corner.

If Kanda was still around, why didn't he show himself? Allen looked at the sword in his hands, hugging it while the tears streamed down his face.

"Kanda," he whispered into the room. He was brought out of his reprieve by a cough from Komui, asking if they could proceed.

"Allen, I have to tell you that there was quite a bit of debate about how we should've handled this request, but in the end we decided that it would be best if you held onto Kanda's Innocence until the time when its new Accommodator can be found. Mugen will be placed in your care, and you are to take it with you on all of your missions in the hope that you will find the swords new master. Mugen will not be broken down into basic Innocence, because we have a strong feeling that it would just manifest into a sword again. With that in mind you need to take good care of this katana, and make sure that none of the Earl's forces get the Innocence. If you were to lose it, my head would be on the chopping block because I was the one that suggested this course of action from the beginning. Do you understand your duties, and are you willing to except them?"

Allen just nodded his head, hugging the sword to his body, not really sure what he was supposed to do with it.

"That finishes up reading Kanda's will, but I would ask that Tiedoll and Allen stay so we can make preparations for the funeral," Komui ushered Marie, Lavi, and Lenalee out of the room before shutting the door again.

"Does it say nothing in the will of how my son would like to be buried?" Tiedoll asked, folding the coat in his hands and placing it on a now empty chair.

"It didn't really go into any specifics, only stating that he wanted to be cremated. Therefore, you two must make the decisions about the service, and how the body should be cremated. General, because he was your charge, and you're the closest thing to a father Kanda had, and Allen because it actually states in the will that you should have a say in this, and I'm pretty sure we all know why," Komui looked down the bridge of his nose at Allen, causing the teen to blush under the intense stare.

Allen started stammering, trying to justify being in Kanda's will at all when a hand from Tiedoll stopped him.

"We all know about your involvement with Kanda, and I honestly don't care, as long as you were happy together. I'm happy you're here to help with this considering you may have known him better than I do, which is saying something. He loved you, you know. I've never seen Yuu so happy as when he was with you. You've seen behind his mask, and I envy you that. So can you stop being embarrassed about something that no one's judging you for, and help make sure that everyone remembers Yuu the way he deserves to be remembered." Tiedoll's smile was genuine and Allen felt himself relax a little bit. He didn't have to worry about what he said in front of these people at least.

"Well, Kanda always loved flowers, even with his ties to that stupid lotus. He also really liked music. I remember playing piano for him, he'd always fall asleep on me while I played." A small smile played on Allen's lips before it fell, "That's all I can really tell you that you don't already know, so I'll be going if that's okay."

Allen needed to get away, just remembering Kanda was causing his heart to ache uncontrollably. He needed to get to his room so he could cry his heart out again. Hearing Kanda's voice today had really thrown him, and he needed some time to sort through his emotions before he could really talk to anyone.

"Okay, thank you Allen, we'll see you later." Komui's voice was gentle, and he let Allen leave without any fuss.

Once in the hallway Allen took in a deep breath and let it out. He'd promised himself he wouldn't cry in front of people but in order to keep that promise he would have to get to his room quickly. So he raced in that direction, closing and locking his door when he finally got there.

He fell against the door, sliding down the wood until he was on the floor. He put his head in his hands, letting the sobs take over his body.

"Why me? Why do I have to live with this? Kanda please come back to me, please?" Allen could tell that his voice broke a couple times, but he didn't really care. There was no one there to hear his desperate pleas. His head fell against his chest as he gave up in defeat, it really was hopeless.

He got up and put Mugen against the wall, barely registering that it was in the same place as Kanda would've put it, before walking out the door to get some food. He wasn't hungry, but it gave him something to do.

OoOoOoOo-oOoOoOoO

His trip to the cafeteria was uneventful, but it brought back so many memories of Kanda that Allen felt like he was suffocating. So many people had come up to him and said they were sorry for what had happened, but Allen could tell they were saying it more for his benefit. No one had really like Kanda besides himself, and Kanda's handful of 'friends'. It was a sad fact, but true nonetheless.

Allen was feeling very depressed as he walked back into his room, his eyes immediately coming to rest on the sword laying against the wall. What would happen if he started again? He hadn't done it in a while, there had been no need to with Kanda around, but now Allen couldn't seem to handle his emotions. It had always been a release, so why couldn't he use it as a tool once again.

He grabbed the sword and sat on the bed unsheathing the blade as he went. It was much larger than the knives he usually used, but it was more symbolic this way. He started rolling up his sleeve, noticing the thin pale scars that covered his wrists. No one had ever really noticed them, because of his fair complexion, and the fact that he always wore long sleeves because of his Innocence arm. Kanda had been the only one to ever really notice, and as soon as he'd known Allen was cutting he was sure to put a stop to it.

Allen smiled to himself a little, if only Kanda could see him now, resorting to hurting himself to make the pain go away. As he brought the blade to his wrist he felt a pressure on the hilt, ripping it from his grasp and throwing it into a wall.

Kanda's voice came from right in front of him, angry and almost a little sad. In his shock Allen couldn't really process the words, but he could tell that Kanda was scolding him for trying to hurt himself again. Allen just let the anger roll off him, the way he used to do when the Japanese man had blown up at him before. It was almost comforting, the way that Kanda seemed to be protecting him even from across the grave.

When Kanda was finished, Allen was left speechless for a few moments, not really sure how to respond to something that could get him labeled as crazy. His thoughts were in a jumble, so he started going through his nightly routine, hoping that by doing something normal his world wouldn't come crashing down on him. As he dressed he felt a pair of eyes on him, but when he looked around the room there was nothing there. The feeling was strange and almost tingly, but he shrugged it off, it was no good getting antsy with all the things he'd seen and heard in the past twenty-four hours.

When he was finally done, he walked over to the bed, placing Mugen in the space that Kanda's body would usually occupy. As his arm reached over the bed, he was hit by an unexplainable wave of cold, and he shivered with the force of it. This wasn't normal, but then again neither was anything else.

As he sat down on the bed, he curled his body into a ball and finally said the things that were on his mind, "I don't know if you can hear me, but thank you Kanda, for stopping me tonight. I'm not sure what would've happened, but thank you for caring."

He felt a little stupid for talking to an empty room, but his heart felt a little less heavy now that the words were out. He could feel moisture on his cheeks and knew that he must have started to cry while delivering his confession. He rubbed the tears away and lay down in bed, letting his back face the wall and the sword that was his new responsibility.

As he drifted off to sleep he felt a cold wind brush against his skin, lightly tracing patterns in a way similar to what Kanda had done. The breeze ruffled his hair, and brought with it a faint humming sound, which eventually turned into a song. It was a song he recognized as one of his own compositions, and with that music in the background he began to fall asleep.

He heard a faint whisper just as he was slipping into the land of dreams, or nightmares, and heard himself respond almost silently.

"I love you too BaKanda."

A/N: I hope you liked this next chapter. I have to say, I'm having a lot of fun with this story already. Please review, it would make me happy and might even motivate me more to get the next chapter out. Thank you for reading.