Title: A Supervillain's Guide to Getting Married.
Pairing/Characters: Loki/Tony. Thor, Steve Rogers, Clint Barton, Nick Fury, Bruce Banner, Natasha Romanoff.
Summary: Written for this prompt on Avengerkink: "Even though there's the frequent battles with the Avengers, and his plans are always being thwarted, Loki likes it on Earth. He doesn't want to leave! But Odin (and Thor) rather want him back in Asgard. Loki decides it would be a good idea to marry a local, and have an excuse for staying put. Maybe he tries meeting some new people, but they don't interest him much. Better to stick with the people he knows (and would never admit to maybe kind of respecting a tiny bit). So Loki decides to marry an Avenger."
Tags: Accidental marriage, FrostIron, Wooing, Courting, Mild Hurt/Comfort.
A Supervillain's Guide to Getting Married.
Chapter 3/14
~0~
After the attempt at dating Steve, which could only be described as a disaster, Loki spent a day laid on his bed going over the list of possible partners in his head.
Thor was out for obvious reasons, and definitely not the beast or the infuriating Stark, simply because he valued his life and his sanity.
His mind wandered, going over all the mortals he had met during his attack on Midgard. Loki sat up.
Agent Barton.
Agent Barton was the perfect candidate; after all, Barton had already told Loki all his secrets, which meant there would none of the boring 'getting to know you' conversations and no ugly surprises. They could get straight down to the important business of getting married and all his problems would be solved.
There was the slight problem of Barton wanting to put an arrow through his eye socket, but Loki was sure with the correct level wooing he could win the agent over.
He stood at his large window and gazed across towards to the tower. From his room he could see clearly across the landing platform where Stark would land infrequently, and right into the front section of the glazed main living quarters.
Loki waited at the window long into the evening, silently biding his time. Barton appeared in the main room, accompanied by Romanoff, and when she left him alone he conjured a bunch of flowers into his hand, closed his eyes and teleported to the tower.
He opened his eyes and found himself stood opposite Clint.
"Agent Ba-" Loki was cut off when a fist squarely connected with his nose and sent him staggering backwards across the floor, clutching his face.
"Get out of here, NOW!" Clint growled, as he rubbed the knuckles of his right hand painfully.
"But I merely wanted t-"
"I'm pretty sure I've broken my hand, but if you say one more word I swear I will punch you again!"
Loki eyed him suspiciously, his hand still covering his nose. "But I-"
"AAH!" Clint shouted, raising his fist again.
Loki's eyes went wide, he dropped the flowers and teleported away.
~0~
Loki lay on his bed and he wondered how he could have gotten it so wrong. Barton was obviously not the forgiving type, and was plainly not marriage material.
That was definitely the end of that one.
~0~
~0~
SHIELD had been kept informed of the strange matter of Loki and his repeated attempts to meet with the Avengers. At first it had worried Fury that he was back, but his recent behaviour had been… strange.
As Fury closed his laptop, preparing for the end of the day, there was a crackle in the air and sparks of green static electricity that turned to gold. The light grew brighter, temporarily blinding him with its intensity and forcing him to look away. When he opened his eyes Loki stood before him.
"I wondered when you would show up here," Fury said as he leant back in his chair, attempting to purvey an aura of calm, even though his heart was hammering inside his chest.
Fury might be brave, but he wasn't an idiot. Within seconds of Loki appearing he had set off the silent alarm with the button that was on the underside of his desk, and he knew SHIELD agents would already be gathering outside the door and observing the video feeds. He also knew the protocol, that when a major villain appeared in the building, they should not attack, and should wait until the Avengers arrived. Until they did he was alone, his back against the wall, facing off against a mad god.
"You have been expecting me," Loki said with a glint in his eyes. "A little presumptuous, don't you think?"
"You've been doing the rounds so I assumed at some point you'd end up here as obviously everyone is going to turn you down."
Loki put his hand to his chest, his face twisted with mock hurt. "And I here I am, bearing a gift that I put hours of thought into, only to be met with insults."
"A gift?" Fury asked. "And what do you have that I could possibly want, besides your unconditional surrender?"
Loki moved his hands in the air, crossing them above each other, and a box tied with a red bow appeared in his hands. He leant over and placed it on the desk in front of Fury.
"What's this? A bomb?"
Loki chuckled. "Why would I bring you something like that?"
"Oh, you know, the whole supervillain thing you have going on."
"I can assure you that it is completely safe. Merely a token of my good will towards you, Director. It simply would not be proper to propose marriage without first courting you."
Fury eyed Loki suspiciously, and then moved his gaze back to the box. He had to admit to himself that he was itching to know what was inside it, and hesitantly raised his hands to undo the bow.
The box fell open; Fury jumped out of his chair, and shouted, "What the hell is this?"
"That is the Black Master," Loki answered. "He's a little known villain from Croatia, but he was about to cause some significant problems for your Avengers with his new plan."
"And where is the rest of him?" Fury asked, as he stared at the severed head that lay on his desk, surrounded by gift wrap, and with a look of terror frozen onto its dead face.
"I presume in Croatia, where I left it," Loki replied. "Unless he has the ability to regenerate himself, but I doubt that."
"Get out and take this damn thing with you!" Fury shrieked.
Loki looked confused and asked, "You do not like your gift?"
"Hell no!" Fury exclaimed.
"But I thought your SHIELD wanted to vanquish all villains?"
"We generally like our prisoners alive," Fury replied.
Loki's face crumpled into a look of sadness. "I-I apologise for the misunderstanding. I'm afraid I sometimes struggle with the customs of Midgard and I hope you will not take offence at my misstep."
Before Fury could answer Loki reached across the desk, grabbed the head by a clump of a hair and then vanished in a flash of green light.
There was a crash as the door flew open, hitting the wall behind it, and Captain America charged into the room, then stopped. "Where is he? They said Loki was here."
"He's gone," Fury replied, observing the patch of blood on his desk that has seeped from the neck stump of the head. "And he took his little gift with him."
"Gift, sir?" Steve asked, a smirk creeping across his face.
"What the hell are you laughing at?" Fury demanded angrily.
"Nothing, sir. Just kinda glad it's not me this time," Steve replied.
"Get the hell out of my office!" Fury shouted, waving his hand.
~0~
It had been a tough week for Fury. Loki turning up in his office had been a shock, but he hadn't even been a blip on SHIELD's radar for the rest of the week, and he had quickly been forgotten about when a High School teacher had been conducting illegal experiments and accidentally turned himself into some kind of slime monster.
There was realistically no such thing as a day off for Fury, but in the quiet moments, between battles and arguments and endless plans, he liked to grab what he called his 'me time' where he spent an hour in a steaming hot bath, listening to Michael Buble. He knew Stark would have a field day if he could see him now, but Nick didn't give a shit. He'd earned this.
He dunked his head under the water, letting the heat work its wonders on his aching shoulders for a moment, and when he rose out of the water, his head covered in a large glob of lavender scented bubbles, he came face to face with a man who was hogtied with green ribbons.
~0~
The man that had been deposited in Fury's bathroom, with a gift tag around his neck, had turned out to be an English villain by the name of Professor Shadow, who had developed a new form of sonic explosive device and had intended to use it on Parliament the next day.
Fury ordered Thor to get his little brother under control, but Thor had blanched at the suggestion and said, "If I attempt to tell Loki what to do, I fear it will make his behaviour worse. Perhaps we should allow him continue on this course of action until he tires of it."
With no other suggestions, and no idea of Loki's whereabouts, they had no choice, and random gift-wrapped villains continued to appear everywhere Fury went. By the end of the first week they had four new prisoners. By the end of the second week they had 12 and Fury hated to admit it but right now Loki was doing a far better job of cleaning up the streets than SHIELD were.
Nick made a decision. He would play along with Loki for now, he would pretend to be interested in him, but demand more gifts, because every villain he turned in was one less they would have to fight later.
~0~
It was past midnight on a Sunday when Fury woke, suddenly aware of the presence in his bedroom.
"Why are you in my room?" Fury asked, as he opened his eye and saw Loki perched on a chair by the bed with a peaceful look on his face.
"All is well. Did you like my gifts?" he said softly.
"Yes, I did, and now I repeat, why are you in my room?"
"I simply enjoy watching you sleep," Loki purred, and then he smiled gently. "You know, I used to watch my father sleep a lot. With the eye patch you almost remind me of hi-"
Nick watched as Loki stopped speaking and swallowed nervously, as if he was fighting the urge to vomit.
He stood up, and said, "If you'll excuse me. I think I need to leave."
That was the last time Fury saw Loki.
~0~
~0~
Of all the people he could have chosen, Bruce had figured he was pretty safe from Loki's advances. After all, he had used the god to rearrange Tony's flooring, so when Loki turned up in his lab he decided to play it cool, even though he was surprised.
Loki must really be desperate if he was here, and desperation sometimes turned to violence.
"Let me guess," Bruce said, as he put his clipboard down and took off his glasses. "You've come to try to marry me?"
"How did you guess?" Loki asked as he sauntered across the room.
"You've tried it with pretty much everyone else. I'm a little sad that I'm so far down your list though," Bruce replied.
"If it is any consolation there are at least 9 more people on my list before I reach Stark."
"Ahh," Bruce said, as he pulled out a stool and sat down. "Come on then. Let's hear your best line."
"I beg your pardon?" Loki asked.
"You are here to ask me to marry you, right?" he asked, and Loki nodded. "Let's hear how you intend to talk me into it."
Loki stood in front of him for a second, and as he started to go down on one knee he asked, "Banner, would you do me the great hon-"
"No, no," Bruce interrupted, and Loki stood back up. "You can't go straight in for the proposal. I need a little romance first. I need a little wooing."
"I h-have written you a poem," Loki said, as he pulled out a piece of parchment and held it in his shaking hands.
"A poem?" Bruce asked, a grin pulling at the corners of his mouth. "I'd love to hear it." Loki held out the piece of paper, and Bruce held his hand up. "I prefer to hear poetry rather than read it. It just makes it so much more effective, don't you think?"
Loki looked at him nervously, and said, "Very well. It is called Let me list the ways I love you."
He cleared his throat and began to read.
"Your skin of shining green,
The way you are so mean,
How you pound my body into the floor.
I wish you would do that more."
Loki paused for a second, his eyes briefly flitting between Banner and the paper in his hand, and said, "You do realise I mean in a sexual sense and not in a violent way, yes?"
"Oh sure," Bruce said. "I wouldn't have it any other way."
Loki looked back down at the paper. "Are you sure you would not rather read it yourself?"
"Positive. Carry on."
Loki coughed nervously and began to read again.
"I love the way you bellow and roar,
Louder even than the mighty Thor.
I love your chest and your trousers of purple,
Your teeth, your skin, your hair as soft as a Gerbil."
Bruce's shoulders started to shake slightly as he tried not to laugh, but a small snort escaped him.
"Oh," Loki said as he looked up. "Do you find this amusing?"
"Gerbil?" Bruce laughed. "You're a god and you just rhymed Purple with Gerbil?"
"Well, what do you expect?" Loki shrieked. "Nothing rhymes with Purple! Why couldn't you wear trousers of black? I could have rhymed that with ball sac!"
Bruce laughed out loud, unable to stop the cackling that started in his chest and erupted from his body, making his shoulders heave.
Loki frowned and said, "Oh never mind." He vanished in a flash of green light, and Bruce was still laughing ten minutes later.
~0~
~0~
Loki lay on his bed in his hotel room, fighting the ridiculous urge to weep like a baby. When had he become so needy? He had always preferred his own company and independence, so he really didn't know why he was feeling like this.
He never really felt lonely until he had started looking for someone to marry, and yet here he was, with an aching feeling in his chest, longing for someone to share his life with.
Everyone had rejected him, and with no family or countrymen to call his own, Loki felt like he was destined to be forever alone, but in his misery he had forgotten to log onto the net that day, and his inbox contained one email.
From: IQute.
To: Loki of Asgard and Future King of the Nine Realms.
Congratulations! We found your perfect match!
You and your partner matched in the following categories:
Self rated intelligence level: 100%
Self rated looks level: 100%
Self rated skills level: 100%
Log in to your account for more details.
Thank you to everyone who has reviewed so far! Next chapter will be up tomorrow :-)