Myka stopped in front of the door and set the suitcase on all four wheels. She reached up to fiddle with her curls and then spent far longer than was necessary just watching the wooden surface as though waiting for the thing to provide her with all the answers to her mental questions. It didn't of course and she knew eventually she'd have to move, do something other than simply stand there. She couldn't quite get her body to cooperate however and just convincing her brain to lift her arm and knock was a feat in and of itself.
She wasn't sure where exactly the trepidation was stemming from; if it was simply seeing the other woman after so long or the foreboding thought of actually having to explain everything to her. They'd talked about coffee and seeing each other again, but they hadn't laid eyes on one another since Myka's last impromptu visit. They had spoken twice on the phone, but things had been strange and strained across the distance and Myka hadn't enjoyed the feeling. It wasn't the same. Nothing was.
A thing that had never been more evident than it was at that moment, as Myka stared at the door and finally lifted her hand.
She knocked before she could talk herself out of it and felt her heart begin to hammer as she waited. She still had no idea what she was going to say, how she was even going to begin, and they'd never been much for actually talking. So many of the moments that Myka remembered, the ones she didn't allow herself to think about yet inevitably gravitated towards whenever she forgot to stop herself, had been largely silent. Things passing between them by way of lingering gazes and body language that was impossibly familiar. But when they did talk, their words were always charged. With what, Myka hadn't been able to name for the longest time. It had made things hurt, made things effortless and easy, made everything more.
And then it was gone, along with the woman herself, and the absence had left Myka feeling hollow in a way that differed from all the times she'd felt the feeling before.
The sound of muffled footsteps made Myka swallow reflexively and shift on the spot, then the door was being pulled open.
"Oh." Myka glanced down. "I know you." Adelaide was peering up at her from between a gap in the door that was just wide enough for her to stand in. The girl smiled. "You're the friend from college!" Myka's own smile was tremulous but she managed to keep it in place.
"That's right." She said, then because she thought she ought to give a formally greeting, "Hi again." Adelaide offered a happy wave. "Is your..." Myka swallowed again, brow creasing ever so slightly as she struggled over what to call the woman she was looking for. "Is she home?" The girl turned her head to look over her shoulder and called out. Myka felt her body stiffen and her jaw clench against her will, her fingers fisted and flexed at her sides as she waited.
"Who is it, darling?" The disembodied voice floated to her along the hall to drop something like lead into the pit of her stomach and then Adelaide was moving aside.
And there she was.
"Myka." She looked as shocked as Myka inexplicably felt at seeing her. Loose fitting shirt and slacks, dark hair left down to lay across her shoulders; just like she remembered.
"Hey, Helena." It was an awkward greeting, complete with an equally awkward half-wave that Myka instantly felt foolish for giving. She flashed a self conscious smile and then gripped the handle of the suitcase to give one of them something to do.
There was a moment that stretched too long in which Helena stared at Myka with clear bemusement, completely taken aback by her sudden appearance, but then Adelaide returned to Myka's field of view to tug at Helena's shirt.
"Aren't you going to invite her in?" She asked in a stage whisper and Helena's expression suddenly shifted, a too-wide smile stretching her lips.
"Of course!" She said, as though the idea had completely escaped her. "Do come in." And she stepped back, opening the door wide and allowing Myka into the hallway.
The house was just as she remembered, with perhaps a few more photographs of Helena and her new family lining the walls, and as Myka passed by them on her way to the living room she felt herself growing increasingly more nervous.
"I'll put the kettle on." She told Myka. "Make yourself comfortable." She took a seat on the same chair she'd used during her last visit and smiled at Adelaide as the girl sat down across from her.
"Are you here about a curiosity?" Myka blinked at her, surprised.
"Oh, um," she paused, floundering for something to say. "No. Not this time."
"Just a visit then?" Myka swallowed. She hadn't anticipated being grilled this early on and by someone so small. She nodded, not quite trusting herself to speak. "That's nice. Helena talks about you a lot." Myka's hands clenched at her kneecaps.
"Does she?" Adelaide hummed in the affirmative.
"She sometimes tells me stories about the adventures you went on together, now that we're allowed to know who she really is." Adelaide rolled her eyes in a self-reprimanding manner, as if she'd had to correct herself in the same way too many times before. "Who she was."
And Myka had to remind herself again that this H.G. wasn't the same as the one she'd gotten to know during her time at Warehouse 13. Nor was she the same as the one she'd gotten to know as a holographic projection. Myka wasn't sure how to talk to this version of the woman and while Myka had dodged bullets and protected the President himself, that thought made her palms sweat in a way that was foreign to her despite her vast experience.
"Adelaide." Helena was standing in the doorway to the kitchen, eyes intent on the two of them. "I do believe you have homework that needs to be done before your kempo lessons." The girl ducked her head sheepishly and nodded, bidding Myka a goodbye and disappearing into the hallway. Myka heard feet on the stairs and then the sound of a door opening and closing, and then they were alone.
She could feel Helena watching her and it took Myka a few seconds before she felt herself ready to look her way, afraid the other woman would somehow preemptively sense why she was here and that conversation would start before she was ready.
"Hey." Myka said and Helena's lips curved into a teasing smirk, dark eyes watching her suspiciously.
"Yes you said that already." The sound of the kettle boiling gave Myka another welcome reprieve as the other woman went to prepare, she assumed, tea for them. She couldn't stop her mind from racing, from going over everything she could potentially say to Helena again and again, and it left her none the wiser as to how exactly she was going to explain it all. She was so beside herself by the time Helena returned that she had to clench her jaw against the urge to blurt everything out and get it over with. H.G. deposited a tray carrying two cups and a plate of biscuits on the table between the couch and where Myka was sitting.
"Thanks." She said as Helena slid one of the cups towards her with a finger.
"My pleasure." Helena took a seat on the couch and stirred a cube of sugar into her tea. "I must say, it's quite a surprise to have you sitting in my living room."
"Yeah," Myka breathed, an apology already forming on her lips, "I'm sorry. I should have called or-" Helena waved a hand dismissively.
"Nonsense." She lifted the cup by the handle and took a sip. "You're always welcome here." Myka covered her discomfort by mimicking Helena's actions. She hoped the sentiment would still ring true after she'd said what she had come here to say.
"How's Nate? Adelaide?" She asked after a moment and Helena's expression warmed.
"Well. Nate just received a promotion at work and Adelaide brought home a spectacular report card." There was a kind of glimmer in her gaze as she spoke, something that looked like pride. Like happiness. "We went out last night to celebrate. There's a wonderful little restaurant in town that serves the most delectable Asian cuisine I've ever tasted." And it all sounded so normal to Myka. So peacefully normal and exactly what Helena had claimed she wanted. A quiet life, a family, away from the Warehouse.
Maybe Myka had been wrong in her decision.
"And you? How have you been?" Helena asked, bending to retrieve the plate of biscuits and, presumably, offer one to Myka.
"I had cancer." The plate slipped from Helena's grasp and dropped the few centimetres back to the tray top with a clatter. Her head snapped up and she gazed at Myka, jaw slack and expression unreadable. Immediately, Myka felt silly. "I'm sorry." She said again, lifting a hand to rub at the back of her neck. "Wow, that was, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to just say it like-" Helena's hand in hers stopped the sentence in its tracks.
"Cancer?" She had shift to lean over the arm of the couch, reaching out to Myka and taking one hand in both of hers. "Are you all right?" Her thumb drifted over Myka's knuckles and Helena was looking at her with so much concern that for a moment Myka didn't know how to respond. She was so used to doing everything herself, keeping things quiet and buried. They were alike in that. That was the reason she had kept it secret so long and why she hadn't known how to tell Pete, or what to do once she had.
"I'm fine." She said with an embarrassed smile and Helena's hand tightened its grip for a second. "The surgery went well and the tumour was benign. The doctor says I'll make a full recovery, so aside from being a little sore, I'm good." Helena breathed a sigh of relief, closing her eyes in a show of silent gratitude. Grief and sorrow drew lines across her face and Myka could only wonder what she was thinking and feeling. "I didn't want to worry you. That's why I never..." Called, wrote, visited; Myka wasn't sure what to say and she let the sentence hang so that Helena could fill in the blank herself.
"Perfectly understandable." She murmured and the way in which she said it made Myka believe that it was, despite having felt guilty when she hadn't told anyone. "I assume everyone at the Warehouse knows?" Myka tilted her head slowly from side to side.
"They do now. I didn't tell anyone at first." Helena regarded her for a moment, thoughtfully and with what was perhaps remorse.
"That must have been dreadfully difficult." Myka gave a half shrug.
"I needed to be alone with it for a while, you know?" Helena nodded. "It was all so surreal. I don't think I believed it at first. I thought they must have made some kind of mistake, because I wasn't done yet. There were so many things I wanted to..." She swallowed, suddenly emotional, and tapered off. Helena's hand gave hers another gentle squeeze and she felt comfort in the pressure. Reassurance. And it helped her go on. "But going through that made me look at things different. Made me reconsider... Everything. What's really important."
"Yes I imagine it would." She said, a serious edge to her voice. Myka knew she could relate, knew Helena had had more time alone with her thoughts, time to reevaluate, than most people did in a lifetime. In two lifetimes.
"And I don't mean just for me." Myka continued carefully and she watched as Helena's posture stiffened. She could practically feel an argument forming on the other woman's lips, the very same one they'd had last time, and so Myka pressed on before it could be voiced. "My friends, family, the people I love. I don't want to keep going through life missing chances and I don't want anyone else to either." Helena released a heavy sigh and drew her hand back.
"Myka, we've already discussed this..." But Myka shook her head.
"I know that Claudia keeps in touch with you." Helena gave her a strange look then, the apparent shift in topics throwing her a little, and Myka felt a sharp pain in her chest as she spoke the next words. Imagined, but painful all the same. "Better than I have." Helena remained silent, her unfaltering gaze saying everything for her, and Myka had no idea if the route she had picked was the right one but it was all she had in the moment. "How much did she tell you about our last brush with the end of the world?" Helena shook her head, gesturing vaguely with her hand.
"I know that Paracelsus was unbronzed but Myka, I don't want to be part of that world any-"
"He fixed your time machine, Helena." It was out before she could even think about holding it in and H.G. stared at her, lips parted in shock. "He perfected it." There was another long beat of silence and then Helena laughed. Sharp and short; it was so unexpected that it almost made Myka jump in seat.
"That's ridiculous." She insisted, head shaking her disbelief. "Physical time travel is an impossibility. I spent years trying to find a way, to think that someone could simply waltz in and..." Her mouth worked for a few seconds, no sound leaving her. "And suddenly have... What do you mean, perfected?" Myka took a breath at the sound of Helena's ire bubbling to the surface. This was what she had been afraid of. She licked her lips and considered her next words.
"He made it work, exactly like you wanted it to." She tried to avoid seeing the hurt expression that passed over the other woman's face. "He was obsessed with changing the timeline so that he could stay in control of the Warehouse. He combined artifacts with the time machine and travelled back to Warehouse 9. He wanted to change things, kill the regents so that he could remain as Caretaker right up until Warehouse 13. And he did it." Tentatively, Myka reached across the short space between them and rested her hand on Helena's arm, speaking softly. "He made it work." She said again. Helena blinked at her and then she was standing.
"Of course." She muttered, exasperated, running her fingers through her hair. "Why did I never consider..." She seemed to lose herself then, murmuring low enough that Myka couldn't catch what she was saying, and so she waited. For Helena's heart to catch up to her mind, for realisation to strike. She felt her nerves swell again and braced herself for the moment, though she knew that all of the readying in the world wouldn't do any good. It wouldn't make the look of pain and hopefulness she expected to see any easier to take.
It took a minute or so. And then Helena stopped dead mid-pace and snapped around to face Myka, eyes wide and expression exactly as Myka had pictured it. Shadows of old wounds reopened danced across her face and all at once Myka felt guilt and relief flood her.
"I told Artie," Myka began before H.G. could say anything, "that I thought you should know. That maybe..." It didn't need to be said and Myka felt suddenly uneasy at the thought of voicing Christina's name. "The Regents are discussing it now. They'll meet with Mrs Frederic in a few days and then she'll come to us with their final decision. And I know that there are so many things to consider but..." She sighed and held Helena's gaze. "I thought you should, that you needed to know. If anyone knows about the ramifications of time travel, it's you, and if there's even a chance that it could work-"
"Thank you." Helena's gratitude was quietly spoken, almost a whisper, but it broke through Myka's speech like a landslide through thin ice. Her dark eyes shone with something that Myka wouldn't even hazard a guess at. "Thank you for telling me." Myka could only offer a tremulous smile in response.
Helena took her seat once more and exhaled heavily. Myka let the strange silence befall them without argument, content to allow Helena time to process all she had told her. The other woman's gaze had wondered from her and instead had become focused on a spot just beyond the coffee table between them, her thumb absently flicking the ring on her left ring finger in slow, methodical circles as she thought.
"I know that this is going to be a hard decision." Myka said and Helena let out a mirthless huff of laughter before hunching forward and running the fingers of both hands through her hair again. "But I know you," she swallowed thickly, recalling a clearing in Wyoming and the thought of losing H.G. forever, "and I know that whatever decision you decide to make will be the right one." Helena tilted her head to look at Myka and regarded her curiously for a long moment.
"I hope you're right." She said with a sigh. "I do so hope you're right."
Pete, quietly munching on one half of a croissant, approached Claudia where she was sitting at the dining table and peered at the laptop screen over her shoulder.
"Whatcha doin'?" He said in a sing-song voice and she jumped in her seat, throwing a murderous look over her shoulder.
"Dude, don't do that." He grinned at her and she turned back to the computer. "I'm just going over some stuff." He eyed the back of her head suspiciously, taking another bite of his food and chewing it slowly for a moment.
"Time travely stuff?" Her fingers stilled on the keys for an instant.
"Maybe." And the rapid clicking resumed. He pulled out a chair from beside her and sat himself down, happily ignoring the rolling of her eyes as he glanced sidelong at the screen and silently waited. It was only when his persistent table tapping became too much for her to take that she looked at him again. "What?"
"Nothing." He protested, eyes wide and crumbs flying from his full mouth. She grimaced.
"You're such a pig." She said and he beamed at her, half-chewed pastry showing between his teeth. He mumbled something about love that she didn't quite catch and was content to ignore and then pointed to the screen.
"Allegany field? Hey, that's where-" The sound of the front door opening cut him off and both he and Claudia turned their heads towards the sound. They caught sight of a familiar jacket being taken off and hung and could see the side of Myka's small suitcase standing against the wall. Claudia reached up and grasped the laptop lid, closing it with a click and stealing Pete's attention for a second. Claudia's gaze never wavered though and she watched as Myka rounded the doorway and entered the living room.
Alone.
Pete turned to look at her and Claudia felt her expression fall.
"Is she...?" Pete started, but tapered off when he saw the look on Myka's face. It wasn't simple sadness that shadowed it but something far more profound, something more deeply felt, and it made his own heart ache to look at her. Myka gave a slow shake of her head.
Helena had not come back with her.