A/N: I don't own Eclipse, and if I did I'd kill myself for creating such a disaster! I also don't own any of the people, shows, or songs mentioned in here either. And this story is based loosely off of the movie, so the scenes are a little mixed up within the movie, but this is just for fun, so it shouldn't matter anyway. This is the third story, so be sure to read the first and second ones if you haven't and please review afterwards. I hope all you Anti-Twilight fans out there like this.

The two of us were in the field together like always "studying" like always. "Edward stop it, that hurts!"

"Oh, come on, you know you like it."

"Woh, not there! Stop it! I have an English final due."

"Fine, I'll stop if you marry me."

"No, if I'm going to marry you then I want to be like you. I want to feel the same way you do. I want… I want… to be a rapist."

"I'll let you be like me only if you marry me."

"That's not fair…" We stopped doing what we were doing (playing Twister) because of the new argument. "Marriage is nothing but a piece of paper, it shouldn't stop me from being like you."

"So, a condom is nothing but a piece of plastic, but it stops new life."

"Wow, you're bringing sex into this. Oh, that's right, you're a rapist what should I of expected. I can't do this, I have to do my English teacher or I'll fail that final exam."

I must say, I knew I aced the final. I heard the teacher's moan to prove it. So I decided to return home.

"Four o' one, you're late…" Charlie said as I walked in. "That's it you are grounded."

"WHAT! I was one minute late!"

"Yeah and what if you had got raped."

"If only you knew…" I whispered.

"You know I have other reasons for grounding you. I don't want you so close with that Edward kid, he's strange. And not just Betty White strange, I mean Betty White singing show tunes on Glee strange."

"But Edwards in my life now, he's in other peoples' lives too."

"What?"

"Nothing…"

"I'll tell you what, you can be ungrounded, if and only if you go and see Jacob. He's been really lonely ever since he molted all that hair. I think it would do him good if you went and did his hair or something."

I couldn't get a hold of Jacob at all. I wanted to do his hair, trust me; Edward wouldn't let me touch any on his, well, above the belt anyway. I paced around thinking of what I could do and then, "Woh, Edward what are you doing here?"

He was standing in the middle of the room and he had gotten there without me noticing. I guess I should have been used to it by now, but I guess I still wasn't, not just quite yet. "I came to remind you about those airline tickets to go see your mom. We really need to use them soon."

I really did want to see my mom, a lot. But more than that I wanted the excitement of bonging Edward's brains out on the beach behind her back.

"Bella, are you sure you want to stay in Forks? I mean the colleges here have a lot of all girl ones. You could all the fun you want without the fear of pregnancy, like I had when I was a kid, you know before I got hitched to a Willy."

"Dad's name is Charlie."

"Yeah, I know, I'm talking about his Dong, his Hotdog, his Beans and Mash, his Sparkler—"

"Okay, that's enough." Now I'll never get the image of dad having a "hotdog" down there out of my brain. I changed my mind about wanting to see her anymore. I had almost forgotten how lesbeonic she was.

I tried to hide away from her in the house, but very expressive pictures of her and others lined the house. Edward especially seemed to enjoy them.

We when got back to Washington our first stop was the Cullen's house. Edward said that it was something important.

A worried Alice met me at the front door. "Bella, something horrible is happening. Come inside quickly."

I did as I was told and was in front of a family meeting. Edward's dad started the conversation, "Someone or something is planning something; something targeted at you Bella. Your luscious little body figure has become a big hit in the underworld of erotic dancers. Not that I would know anything about them directly, I just heard about it."

Edward was the first to confront me. "Bella, you're not safe anymore. We have to protect you, at least until we can do something about them."

"We know one thing and one thing only." Edward's dad started back up again. "They're building an army and so shall we. Edward's right Bella, you need to be protected while we train, so someone else has to do it."

"I know just the person…"

Jacob took me out to the lake, the lake we always went to as kids. "It's beautiful Jacob, I can't believe I finally got a hold of you, why wouldn't you answer me when I called?"

"I couldn't help myself when I heard you were in trouble. Because… because… I also… also want to tell you something…"

"Tell me somethi—" He grabbed me and embraced me with a too long kiss than I was comfortable with.

"I don't want you to become a rapist, not like him and definitely not like me. I know what it's like and I… I… love you…"

"You know I don't feel the same way and you can't choose that for me!"

"Here Bella feel this." He took my hand and stuck it in his pants. "This is who wants you, more than me, and more than Edward."

I pulled out quickly and balled and fist, punching him square in the nads. "Ow! They were rock hard and my hand ached with pain. Jacob took me home after that.

"Bella what happened to your hand!" Edward exclaimed when he saw me walking up to the front door.

Jacob had an answer. "I kissed her, then she broke her hand… punching my crotch."

"They were like two bowling balls and a lightning rod." I said rubbing my sore digits.

"How dare you! I don't want you coming to the graduation party, so just stay away!"

"No Edward, it's okay I want him there. After all we're going to need him with your family to explain what's going on."

"Wait, what do you mean 'what's going on'? Is this about you becoming a rapist again?"

"You'll just have to find out at the party."

And that's just what he did. My secrecy was enough to lure him to the party with an apt amount of enthusiasm. "So, "what's going on" in the words of Bella."

"We hate to ask this of you." I said.

"Some more than others." Edward growled.

"Anyway~. We need your help and your clan's."

"With what exactly?"

"There's an army, an army of erotic dancers that are coming after me."

"We're in, I'll make the clan agree. I'll do anything to protect you Bella, you and you're gorgeous collection of hidden Barbie dolls."

"Oh, actually those aren't mine… they're my dad's…"

"Oh, my bad, I was wondering why they were sticky."

The training ensued and I wasn't allowed to be there, it was apparently a complication of my safety. However as the days went on, I knew that my safety wasn't going to be protected for much longer, especially with the strange moaning sounds coming from my dad's room all the time.

Finally the day came where the Cullens and Jacob's clan came to get me. And then they brought me to a large field devoid of any flowers whatsoever. "Gosh, this place is atrocious."

"Would you really want a battle to take place somewhere pretty?"

"Good point… So what am I suppose to do?"

"Just stand there and your smoking hot body will lure them in."

"Thanks… Edward's dad…"

Everyone was ready for the upcoming battle and that included me. I wasn't going to let anyone take me away for their dirty fantasies, well except for Edward of course.

A rustle came from the surrounding woods in front of us and some more from the sides. Three crews of men, women, and slightly transvestite-looking people walked out from the trees and whom a guessed was the leader, a thin lanky man, walked in the front of the center group holding a boom box.

The battle had begun. The leader set down the boom box and turned it on:

"Rah, Rah, Ah, Ah, Ah

Roma, Roma, Ma

Gaga, Ooh, La, La

Want your bad romance."

"Ahh!" The Cullens and the clan fell down together. "Arg, Lady Gaga music… it's a rapist's worst enemy."

"But thankfully we trained for this, right?" Jasper said getting up slowly. He pulled out another boom box from behind a large rock and turned it on; its sound masking the Gaga music:

"Cause this is thriller, thriller night

And no one's gonna save you from the beast about to strike.

You know its thriller, thriller night

You're fighting for your life inside a killer, thriller tonight"

The two enemies danced to the song with amazing choreography. It must have been extremely hard for them to train for this and now I know why I wasn't allowed at practice; the sight was absolutely horrifying.

The Bad Romance song started to overpower Thriller:

"I want your love, and I want your revenge.

You and me could write a bad romance.

I want your love, and all your love is revenge.

You and me could write a bad romance."

But Thriller made a come back and drove off everyone in fear. Both boom boxes turned off as the final stand off started.

The enemy's leader started to talk, "You may think you have us beat, but I have one final trick… Ke$ha!" He took the Lady Gaga CD out and inserted a new one and pressed play:

"Don't stop, make it pop

DJ, blow my speakers up

Tonight, I'mma fight

Till we see the sunlight

Tick Tock on the clock

But the party don't stop, No!"

Everyone was wrecked with pain, apparently the Ke$ha song was really too much for them. They were all flailing on the ground as the music blasted on.

I walked up to the skinny guy dancing like a stripper very casually and gave him a swift kick to his balls. He fell down and to reward my victory I turned off the music.

"Really guys, THAT was the army? A bunch of nerds dancing to Pop music?"

"Wow that was a close one, my crotch almost couldn't take it."

Everyone went on with their lives after the battle; can we even actually call it a battle? Everyone went on with their lives after the dance off of epic gay proportions especially Edward and me. The two of us went back to the flowery field from the beginning of the story and talked.

"Bella, are you really sure you want Alice to orchestrate our whole wedding? The whole wedding will be like a bachelor party."

"I know, but that's just what two rapists what, right~?"

We fell into an ecstasy induced evening of newly engaged pleasure. And that's not figurative ecstasy by the way.

A/N I know the last part still contradicts the ending in my first story, but I had to put it in, so for the purpose of the story line just forget about the ending from the first story. I hope you liked it and I can't wait for Breaking Dawn to come out on DVD, so I'll be making another story for it soon, so please favorite this and review!