A/N: Special thanks to everyone who's reviewed! So we've had an insane, gay house-elf and a hat, an owl with a beard fetish, and now we've got the trio goofing around a little more than they should.

Weird Pairings Week

Day Three: Boys are Dumb (No Offense to Boys in the Audience)

It had all started as Harry, Ron, and Hermione were packing their trunks at the end of fourth year. Well, Ron and Harry were packing their trunks, Hermione had had hers packed, in alphabetical order and color-coded (and put in alphabetical order by color) three weeks prior, and was attempting to do the same to Harry's trunk as the author delivers this speech.

Harry threw a particularly hard-to-pack book across the room in frustration, hitting a random house-elf that, was, for OoC reasons unknown, mysteriously cleaning the room, when logically it should have cleaned AFTER they had all gone. Wait a minute, did I just try to apply logic to fanfic?

"Harry!" said Hermione reproachfully.

Ron picked up the book, opening it to a random page.

"Hey, listen to this!" he said, "the love spell, a variant of the love potion, causes the receiver to become obsessed with the first thing they lay eyes on. In addition to this, it can be used at great distances! Cool!"

"Gimme that!" said Harry, grabbing the book, and fishing his wand out of his pocket. "Amor ad primus vissus est Dudley Vernon Dursley!"

"Harry! What did you do?" shrieked Hermione.

Far, far away, in the kitchen of Number Four, Privet Drive, Dudley looked up from his doughnuts and saw the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.

Its sides were a shiny, flawless, stainless steel. Its perfectly proportioned little plastic bits accented its fine plug…..

Dudley Dursley had just fallen in love….

…. With a toaster.

Miles away, in Scotland, Harry Potter smiled.

"…Harry! How could you! What if he falls in love with his mother!" ranted Hermione.

But Harry wasn't listening. A grin was spreading across his face as he imagined the havoc he could reek with this spell. A plan began to form in his mind.

Back to Little Whinging. The author has decreed that you can't find out about the plan for two more chapters. We don't want to spoil it for you, now do we?

Dudley plugged the toaster in, stroking its little ruby-red wires…

Later that day, Harry was seated in the backseat of Vernon's brand-new, uber-expensive car, when he realized something.

"Aunt Petunia, where's Dudley?"

Aunt Petunia turned her little beady eyes on him. "In the hospital, third degree burns."

A/N: This one's longer. In two chapters you get to find out, and that pairing is literally the weirdest thing I've ever seen.