In a galaxy far, far away, I was driving my purple Scion down an abandoned city street. My GPS said this was where the nearest Chipotle was, and I was in the mood for a serious burrito. I spent 25 minutes driving on that street until I realized that my GPS was sending me to an abandoned strip club called "Chipotle." I gave the middle finger to my GPS and decided to just type the address. On the way to the REAL Chipotle, I saw an old man sitting at a table in front of an old apartment building. He looked more aged and frustrated than Clint Eastwood and he was wearing a black and blood red robe. None of that mattered though; he had a sign saying: "free video game," and being an avid gamer, it was an offer I couldn't refuse. I went up to the old man and asked him what game he had.
"Please," said the old man in a withered voice, "I've been cursed by this game ever since I bought it on eBay…please take it away." It was a copy of "Pokemon Red" with a skull and crossbones symbol engraved on it.
"Cool beans," I exclaimed, "my very own retro game!" And I drove away.
Once I got back from Chipotle, I immediately dusted off my old Gameboy SP and inserted the game. I started the game up and saw the title screen, but something was a bit off. The Pokemon trainer named Red didn't have a head, and his Bulbasaur had blank, black eyes with red pupils. The red eyes were especially strange because colors didn't exist on Nintendo portable consoles until the 3DS. There was also an upside down cross in place of the title. "Gee," I thought, "what a strange little glitch." I thought nothing of it because I was looking forward to kicking some pokebutt!
The game started and I was immediately in Lavender Town. I thought the music was too scary, so the first thing I did was turn the music down. I walked around until I found another trainer and challenged him to a battle. But instead of challenging me, a text box just appeared saying: "Please, I've been cursed by this Pokemon ever since I bought it on eBay…please take it away." I could have sworn I heard that before. Anyway, I got the Pokemon and it looked like some kind of ghost. I remembered hearing on the internet that Lavender Town had unplayable ghosts, so I was more than ecstatic to find another glitch.
So I decided to take the Pokemon and added it to my inventory. The first time I used it in a battle, I noticed that it had only one attack: "curse." I selected the attack and the other trainer's Geodude and it couldn't even move. After a few second's, a loud splatter noise suddenly came out of my Gameboy. I wasn't sure what it was and I looked back to see a text box saying "Geodude shit himself." Geodude looked white with fear and I saw a dark puddle underneath him. I was terrified at how real it looked and sounded. I could only describe the graphic as "hyper-realistic diarrhea."
On the bright side, I got the other player's Pokemon instantly. I guess I would just have to cover my eyes whenever I used that attack another 149 times. I used the attack on a couple of other Pokemon and got used to the horrific sight of hyper-realistic diarrhea. Come on; wouldn't it be awesome if you could make your opponent shit himself in every game? However, on the fourth Pokemon battle, the screen cut to black and I saw another text box saying: "10 Years Later."
Suddenly I was playing as an old man and in front of me was a series of tombstones. I read one of them and a text box appeared saying: "Here Lies Ditto: Died of Irritable Bowel Syndrome." I felt a torrent of guilt as I realized that my character caused every Pokemon to shit themselves to death with the "curse" move.
Then the same ghost from before appeared in front of me and challenged me to a battle. I got nervous as it got ready to attack me. Yet another text box (seriously, if I wanted to read this much, I would have read a book) appeared saying: "You will get a taste of my medicine." Even though I had the music turned off, I suddenly started hearing the Lavender Town theme. I tried covering my ears but it was too loud. In the middle of the song, I heard high pitched beeps. The pitches kept getting higher and higher until a high-frequency noise pierced my ears and ran straight to my stomach. Without warning, my bowels evacuated and my sweatpants were completely ruined. "Fortunately," the ghost said, "the brown note frequency is non-fatal to human ears…I just made you shit your pants…ha ha ha." The game then popped out of my Gameboy and exploded.
"What a dick," I said angrily.