Chapter 3

Legolas

When Legolas woke, it took him a minute to remember where he was and what had happened. As he did, terror rapidly pooled in his stomach. Estel couldn't be here. He knew Legolas too well, saw too much.

Estel would see how truly pathetic and unworthy Legolas was, and then, his friend would stop loving him, promise or not. How could Legolas really blame him? He didn't deserve anyone's love.

He only realized a small cry had left his mouth when Estel was suddenly there, his hand on the prince's cheek. "Mellon nin?"

Legolas pulled away from him, curling into a tight ball, hoping he could somehow protect himself from the man's scrutiny.

Estel sighed. "You've been asleep for a few hours. It's about time for lunch. Would you like some more lembas, or should I make you a broth? That might be easier to get down, but you will have to eat more of it."

At those words, Legolas gave up ignoring him and turned to stare at his friend in horror. "I ate this morning."

"Yes, that was breakfast," Estel explained patiently. "It's time for lunch."

Legolas shook his head frantically, unable to speak.

"Look, I'll cut you a deal. Lunch will be half a piece of lembas, but if you tell me what's wrong, I'll let you off with only a quarter."

It was a tempting offer, but Legolas couldn't accept it. Estel could never find out. The thought of losing his friend's esteem almost broke him. Concern flickered across the man's features and he pulled Legolas into a hug.

"It's alright, mellon nin. I am here for you."

Yes, he was here now, but when he realized that Legolas didn't deserve his friendship, Estel would be gone. Legolas was mortified to realize he was crying again. It was Estel's fault. He'd never cried once before Estel got here, and now it seemed that was all he could do.

"P-promise me," Legolas gasped. Though he knew the promise would be broken eventually, he needed to hear it again.

"I promise, gwador, I will never stop loving you. Please, you have to believe me."

It was no use. As hard as he tried, Legolas couldn't pull himself together. He'd managed to maintain a charade of strength for so long, but being held in Estel's arms, he felt his walls breaking.

He knew it was selfish and petty, but he wanted to hold onto Estel's friendship as long as he could. Soon enough, Estel would see him – truly see him – and turn away in disgust.

"Breathe, breathe," Estel coached.

Legolas tried, he really did. He didn't know what was wrong with him. He'd certainly been going downhill for months now, but he hadn't had panic attacks until yesterday. He supposed it was because no one had gotten this close to seeing inside of him since he'd started to realize just how worthless he was.

He'd refused to see the healers, and avoided his father as much as possible, putting up a blank mask when he had to be in the king's presence. Estel wasn't going to let him get away with that, though, which was exactly why he'd gone to so much effort to ensure that no one in Imladris found out what was going on with him.

As much as accepting Estel's help terrified him, because it meant letting the man in, not being able to breathe terrified him more. Legolas followed his friend's slow, steady breaths, trying to focus only on that and not the enormous mess he'd gotten himself into.

He should have run faster yesterday. Legolas knew that he could lose Estel in the forest, or at least, in the past he had been able to shake his friend in a chase through Greenwood. Not now, apparently.

"Tell me what you are thinking."

What he was thinking wasn't something he could tell Estel, so Legolas voiced the safest thing he could. "I don't want to eat."

"I know, mellon nin, but you have to," Estel sighed. "Look at you! I'm surprised you even managed to stand up yesterday. You can't survive like this much longer."

Legolas quickly turned his head away, hoping Estel wouldn't read the longing in his eyes. He'd been thinking about death more and more recently. To be able to close his eyes and never open them again… what bliss that would be. If he could cease to exist, he wouldn't need to live with the knowledge of just how unworthy he was, and the terror of watching everyone he loved leave him when they realized the same thing.

"I'm going to make you a broth, but I'll put some lembas in there too, so you won't have to eat as much. Will you be ok here?"

"Yes," Legolas said automatically. He needed Estel gone. He forced himself to meet his friend's eyes. Estel looked hesitant, but he finally nodded.

Legolas waited a few minutes to be sure the man wouldn't come back before hurrying to the window. He knew that Estel would have removed all sharp items from the house by now, which meant he wouldn't have a lot of time. His friend would be drawn by the noise.

Legolas smashed his elbow into the window. The glass shattered, and he snatched one of the broken pieces. It started cutting his hand at once, but he ignored that, slashing violently at his arm. The pain was a relief. He deserved no less than this. After Estel's cossetting, he needed the punishment more than ever. It was the only thing that could make him smile anymore. He wasn't entirely sure why he liked it, but he did.

Predictably, Estel hurtled into the room. Legolas didn't fight, knowing that his friend was many times stronger than him, as weak as the prince had allowed his body to become. Estel got the glass out of his hand and dragged Legolas through to the kitchen.

"Mellon nin, why do you do this to yourself?" His voice was so pleading and so sad that it was on the tip of Legolas' tongue to answer, but he clamped his mouth shut. He may think life was bad now, but trying to live without Estel as a friend? He couldn't even imagine. He would keep his secrets, and keep Estel's friendship, at least for a little longer.

Legolas sat placidly while Estel stitched him up. Cutting always made him feel better, and the pain of the stitches was no less than he deserved for putting his friend through such stress. If only he could escape, but the barrier around them prevented it.

"Can I trust you to stay here for a few minutes?"

Legolas opened his mouth to say yes, but he found he couldn't lie to his friend, not again. He shook his head. Estel pulled him into a gentle hug that almost made Legolas break. He couldn't deal with being handled this tenderly, and he reluctantly pulled out of the embrace.

"Ok, but you should know that the next time you're asleep, I'm taking the glass out of all of the windows in this cabin. We don't need it in summer anyway."

Legolas hung his head in defeat. Estel was going to break him. If this kept going, he'd completely fall apart, and in their current situation, he wouldn't survive it. If Estel went off to Imladris and never wanted to see him again, that would be one thing, but if Estel realized who Legolas truly was here, when they were trapped? He couldn't handle his friend looking at him like Legolas knew he deserved: with disappointment and disdain.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

He shook his head again, the only response he could give. Legolas tried to flee to the bedroom, but Estel caught his wrist. "Not until I've gotten the glass out of that room. And you still need to have lunch."

The broth seemed to be done, because Estel came over with a steaming bowl. "Please just eat it, gwador. Don't make me force you."

Legolas had no desire to be forced again, and he knew that Estel would do it. With a trembling hand, he picked up the spoon. By the third spoonful, his hand was shaking so badly that Estel had to feed him. The prince cringed, sure that this would be the moment when Estel realized that he wasn't worth helping.

Apparently, this wasn't the moment, because the man kept calmly feeding him. Legolas already felt unbearably full, and turned his head to the side. "Please, Estel, I'll be sick. This is too much."

"Just a few more spoons," his friend coaxed. "I know it feels like too much, because your stomach isn't used to it, but you're going to have to become accustomed to eating bigger meals."

If it would make Estel leave him alone, Legolas was willing to try it. He managed three more spoonfuls before groaning and resting his head on the table, sure he was going to throw up without the help of his fingers in his throat.

"Let's get you lying down. Come on."

Estel led him carefully to the bedroom, maintaining a good grip on him until Legolas was in bed. Then, keeping a wary eye on his friend, the man gathered up all the glass and tossed it out of the window. Legolas knew that before long, he wouldn't find any trace of glass in the cabin, and he'd have to figure out another way.

It shouldn't be that difficult. They were in the forest, after all. There were sharp rocks and pieces of wood everywhere.

"Do you want some herbs for the pain?"

"No."

Estel frowned at him. "You're hurting, mellon nin, I can see it on your face."

Estel had always been able to read him too well. Legolas knew he didn't deserve his friend's help or herbs, though, so he kept silent.

"Why won't you leave me alone?"

"Because I love you, gwador, and you need help."

These words made Legolas flinch, because he knew they would haunt him when Estel revoked that love and help.

"Tell me what is wrong," Estel urged. Legolas was so tired. He was so tired of resisting Estel, so tired of dreading his friend leaving him. This day wasn't even half way over yet, and he was already exhausted. Estel wasn't going to leave him alone. Would it not be easier to get it over and done with?

Pain lanced through him, and Legolas flung his arms around his friend, silently begging the man to help him. Estel pulled him into a bruising hug, his grip calming the worst of the prince's tremors. Legolas tried to speak, but it came out garbled and unintelligible. He instead focused on keeping his breathing as steady as he could.

"I love you, gwador, I will never stop loving you," Estel murmured, pressing a kiss to the top of the prince's head.

Legolas soaked up the words, desperately wanting to believe them. "Y-You – w-will," he gasped hopelessly.

"I will not," Aragorn said firmly. "What in the world makes you think I will?"

"I'm – n-not – worth – it!" Legolas wailed between sobs. "I – I –" He couldn't get anything else out, and only realize he was hyperventilating again when Estel started rubbing the soothing lavender oil onto his temples. He frantically tried to listen to Estel's instructions. It was terrifying, not being able to breathe.

"You are worth it," Estel murmured. This just made Legolas cry harder, because he knew it would hurt all the more when Estel took those words back.

"Please –" He wasn't even sure what he was begging for. Legolas was tearing apart from within, and he desperately needed Estel to save him.

Legolas felt like he was being pulled away by a raging river, and Estel was the only rock he could cling to. He was terrified that the rock would disappear at any moment. He could do nothing but hold on as tightly as he could, praying it wouldn't.

"It's ok, mellon nin, just try to relax. You're safe here, I'm with you. Everything is fine."

A wild gasp for air had him inhaling saliva, and Legolas started choking. Estel remained composed, thumping him on the back, and finally managed to clear his airway.

Eventually, Estel got him calmed down, though Legolas couldn't stop the stupid tears that seemed to be a permanent feature on his face. At least the wracking sobs had ceased, and the tears that came now were silent.

"Tell me what is wrong." Estel's eyes were wide and pleading, and Legolas was at the end of his resistance. A small part of him stupidly hoped that Estel would keep his promise, that he would help him and not stop loving him.

"Promise me," he whispered again, needing to hear it, even if he didn't believe it.

"I promise, I will never stop loving you."

Legolas bit his lip. "I… I don't know where to start." He found he couldn't look at his friend, and pressed his face into Estel's chest.

"Is it ok if I ask you questions, then?"

Slowly, Legolas nodded.

Estel's first question was to be expected. "Why are you afraid I'll stop loving you?"

Legolas felt himself tensing, wishing his friend could have started with something else. Estel started rubbing the prince's back, his experienced healer's hands working out the tightness. It felt good, and Legolas sighed slightly, relaxing at the touch. He hadn't realized how tense and stressed he'd been.

"Mellon nin?"

He suddenly remembered Estel's question, and the tension was back. Estel patiently kept working on the muscles. Legolas knew he had to answer. Estel would never leave it alone.

"I am not worthy of love."

"Why do you think that, gwador? When we last parted, you had no such thoughts. What has happened between now and then to change your mind?"

It was a difficult question, because Legolas didn't truly know the answer, but he had to try. After everything Estel had done for him, he owed his friend the truth.