Disclaimer: Ranma ½ belongs to Rumiko Takahashi and Viz Video. Feng Shui (the RPG) belongs to Atlas Games. OOC and SI advisories are in effect. Radical alteration of original source material will occur. Purists have been warned. In fact, if you're the sort who takes the canon way too seriously, Stop Reading Right Now. You will NOT like where this is going. Flames will be used for target practice.
Blowing Up NerimaA Feng Shui RPG/Ranma Crossover by the MadPanda
Phase Three: Nothing ShockingIt started in a stark, unpainted brick room with a secure iron door with a peephole, a naked light bulb hanging by its wire from the ceiling, a table, and three chairs. One chair contained a man, the presumed subject of questioning. He was a Japanese man, maybe in his late forties, with long black hair and mustache, a brown gi, and an air of emotional fragility. He reeked of sake and tobacco fumes. One arm was in a sling. Against his well-documented reputation, he was not weeping copious tears at the moment. His name was Tendo Soun, and until earlier this afternoon he lived in a family compound with a dojo and a wall, and three lovely daughters. Someone blew it up, injuring two of his beloved children. The third was missing along with one of his houseguests, the son of his best friend and former training partner.
He suspected that this was the reason for his detention, but he could not say for sure. Nobody had spoken to him for hours. He hadn't seen his best friend, or his best friend's son, since the attack. He hadn't seen anyone since the police lead him to this interrogation room and left him, over three hours ago…long past suppertime, and long, long past his last drink or cigarette.
The door swung silently open to admit two men. One was obviously a member of Tokyo's finest: a veteran cop, forty-something with grey at his temples and the carefully schooled features of an old gendarme. He looked at Tendo Soun with a strange mixture of pity and disdain. The other man with him was a Westerner: slender, narrow-faced and narrow-featured, with a thin goatee and mustache to go with his short brown hair. His black suit and tie and sunglasses all but screamed 'government agent' or perhaps, 'hit man'. There was something slimy and treacherous in his manner. Perhaps it was his annoyingly high-pitched laugh. And perhaps it was his cold and predatory eyes, which did not smile when he laughs.
Now Tendo Soun truly began to worry as the Westerner, the gaijin, threw himself into one of the other chairs, giggled softly, and gave him a knowing glance.
"Let me get this straight," the gaijin said in an almost playful tone. "You had the premiere martial artist of this generation under your roof for, what? Two years? And while he was enjoying your hospitality…" He gave a brief, sarcastic giggle. "While he was your houseguest, you and your old training buddy, who also just happens to be this poor bastard's father, did everything in your power to push him to the breaking point."
Tendo Soun almost spoke, reconsidering at the last second. Something was oh, so wrong with this picture. What could it be? The Japanese officer letting the gaijin do all the talking…a bad sign! Certainly unusual. But his near-miss with foot and mouth did not go unnoticed even as the strange man kept talking.
"Good boy. Look, I'm sure you had the boy's best interests at heart…" Sarcasm dripped from every syllable. "You even offered him one of your daughters in marriage! It isn't your fault that he got stuck with the one least likely to cut him some slack. Or that your old master showed up because you didn't murder him as efficiently as you'd planned. And it can't even really be blamed on you that you never once gave the boy any rest from the ceaseless demands of this bushido stuff you spout. Hey, you're a martial artist, right? Got to uphold the old family traditions, don't you? Never mind the human cost."
Every word seemed to hit home. Soun shrank further and further into himself with each sarcastic barb, losing what little dignity and poise he had.
"Well, you're in luck, Tendo-kun. It turns out that since you were merely Ranma's host and prospective father-in-law, my superiors don't really care what happens to you. So I'm just going to turn you over to my pals here, along with the accumulated abuse and neglect charges you've managed to build up, and see to it that justice is done. Unless, of course, you help me out."
"H-help you?"
"Yeah. Help me find Ranma. Think you can do that, Tendo-kun?"
"Ranma…" For a fleeting moment, Soun got a spark of life in his eyes. "Yes, Ranma-kun is responsible for this! It is a matter of honor that he…that…the schools must be joined…"
Almost as swiftly as it ignited, the spark was extinguished.
"I cannot. The dojo is gone. My babies are…my lovely, darling daughters are…"
The Japanese officer finally spoke. "They are not your daughters. It is truly surprising, Tendo-san, what some people are willing to do for their partners in crime…or should I address you as Ishida-san? That's your proper name, isn't it?"
"I…I…what?"
The Westerner suddenly stood, his hands slamming down on the table, his maddening giggle not more than ten centimeters from Soun's face.
"We know the truth, Ishida-baka. We found the contract you signed with Genma and Happosai. Best part is, Happosai confessed to the whole mess. You stupid, wretched, perverted moron! How young were those girls? Do you remember? Did you think to ask? How many did you kill to cover this up? You're so far beyond redemption, it ain't funny!"
Suddenly he leaned back again, grinning nastily.
"A sweet deal, wasn't it? Happosai provided you with three girls, brainwashed to believe that they're your daughters, and all you had to do is force Genma's son to marry one of them…preferably the youngest. Beautiful, really. In exchange, he buries your crimes so fucking deep they never see the light of day again. But you forgot to kill him properly the first time, didn't you?"
Soun twitched. The cop cleared his throat.
"What's wrong, Soun? Need a drink? Or is that your nicotine craving kicking in? We can accommodate you, my man. All you need to do is throw yourself on the metaphorical tanto of modern justice. Give me a confession, you worthless child-abusing scum wad, and you can have your price. Hey, the panda's going price was rice, two fish, and a handful of pickles!"
Soun twitched again.
"H-how did you find out?"
"It wasn't easy," the Japanese officer said grimly. "Saotome Genma left quite a trail of misdeeds, all in his son's name. We had to take measures best left unmentioned. But the Nerima town council's reports of a certain aged panty thief…the one they hired you to stop? The one living in your house? Those were the final clue we needed."
Ranma woke up in a most unexpected manner: peacefully. For the first time in a long time, there was no bucket of cold water, no scream of 'Ranma, you PERVERT', no being tossed into the koi pond for an early morning spar by his asshole father…not even an alarm clock. Nabiki was no longer here, although he could still smell faint traces of her perfume and the other half of the futon was still warm. For some reason this did not alarm him. Oh, the concepts 'Nabiki' and 'slept here' connected easily enough, but given how drunk she had gotten, how tired and confused they both felt, she probably wouldn't charge him more than usual to keep it quiet. Besides, he still had his pants on.
He sighed in resignation, rolled over…and sat bolt upright. He wasn't alone! There was a red-haired Chinese woman with a nine-ring staff and a yellow robe over a black tee shirt sitting in the corner. She gave him a cool and appraising smile, tilting her head ever so slightly to one side.
"Who are you?"
"I'm Saotome Ranma! Who the hell are you?"
"Probably a friend." She smirked. "How are you feeling?"
"Huh?"
"De-attunement usually feels terrible. Under the circumstances, I would imagine you might feel…"
"Clear-headed. Almost relaxed. I slept well. I felt fine until you startled me, thanks tons. Now, who are ya and where's Nabiki?"
"Your girlfriend is having breakfast. My name is Wu. Kelly Wu. I'm an associate of Detective Chen's."
"She's not my…oh, never mind. Nobody else is gonna believe I ain't datin' her. Why should you be any different?"
"Perhaps because I already got her side of the story? She was quite clear that you are not her ideal mate. But Chen said you were easy to tease, so…"
Ranma sighed. "Shoulda guessed."
Kelly stood and gave him a slight bow. "Get dressed, then come and eat. We have much to discuss and not nearly enough time."
She left Ranma scrambling to collect his things and follow her back to the other room where Patches, Alex, and Nabiki were most of the way through their breakfast. Alex was telling a story with some enthusiasm, hands waving.
"…so there we were, on top of this damn tower, a horde of demon spiders surrounding us, and all of a sudden this helicopter sort of drops out of the cloud cover, and there's the Techie hollering at us to get our butts on board…hi, Ranma…so he can drop the napalm on 'em…"
"This story again," Kelly grinned. "You always forget to mention that it was a Chinook. How Techie found one of those sitting around, I'll never know."
"He's very resourceful," the blue-haired cop shook her head. "I think he could find roast turkey with all the trimmings in the Sahara. Sleep well, Ranma?"
"Uh, yeah."
"Good. You eat. Kelly and I will bring you up to speed as best we can under the circumstances."
"Circum-what?"
"That Blue Thunder of Furinkan High yahoo is on the warpath. The stupid son-of-a-eunuch was ranting this morning on Fuji TV about your dark sorcery destroying the home of his beloved tigress.
"WHAT?" Ranma almost missed seeing Nabiki flinch at the news. "Great. So now I'm a wanted terrorist?"
"Not exactly. The government doesn't seem to be taking him very seriously…and that's good news. The bad news is that friend Kuno seems to have a lot of friends in strange places."
"Guiding Hand," Alex rolled his eyes. "Should've guessed!"
"Yep. Stupid know-it-all monks…sorry, Kelly. No offense."
"None taken. Quan Lo's a complete and utter jerk. Now, to business…Nabiki, you'd better tell him now."
Ranma looked at Nabiki, who had turned quite pale. She looked back at him, and he almost opened his mouth to tell her that she didn't need to tell him, whatever it was, because he didn't want to see her look like this ever again.
"No, Ranma, I…I have to do this," she shook her head. "You deserve to know the truth about…about everything."
"Go on," Kelly prompted. Nabiki shuddered.
"Ranma…there is no agreement between the families. The whole thing was a lie. All of it. There is no Tendo family. Akane, Kasumi, Soun, and I were all hired to…to create a family…to distract you." The fabled Ice Queen of Nerima shuddered again and wept, even as the words kept spilling out. "To neutralize you as an asset. To…to contain you from…oh, Kami-sama! I'm sorry! I'm so, so sorry…"
"Finish it," Patches growled at her.
"Happosai. He's behind it all. He set up the other…the engagements. The constant rivals. The challenges…and then, she took care of the rest. With magic." Nabiki shuddered again, covering her face with her hands and crying piteously. Patches and Kelly shared a knowing look.
"Let's get one thing straight," the blue-haired woman said gently to Ranma. "Nabiki's been as mind-fucked as you ever were. She has been led to believe that she's highly allergic to magic. A belief I sort of exploited last night…because I needed to get and hold her attention. That wasn't fair of me, but I didn't have time to be fair. Or nice."
Ranma frowned but nodded. "Yeah, we were kinda getting shot at by those flying monkeys…"
"You've been living on top of a feng shui site rich with dark chi for two years," Kelly added. "With regular applications of certain spells to keep you pliable. Just in case you didn't already get the idea that everything you know is wrong, it's been done deliberately. Want to know why?"
"Every answer seems ta have only another question," Ranma griped.
This time, Alex answered him. "That's life, kid. Think of this as a challenge. Whoever made you their little bitch for the last two years is saying you don't have the guts to stand up and change this crap. Gonna let that slide?"
"Saotome Ranma don't lose!"
"Good. Now, what are you prepared to do about it?"
Gosunkugi Hikaru was having a bad day. This must be understood in context—for Gos, a good day was one in which he was only badly beaten up twice. Today was not so good. Normally, the bullies were quite content to just punch him a few times. Today, the usual gang of masked weirdoes had shown up to waylay him on his way to school…and they were carrying weapons.
"You pathetic, simpering worm!"
Spears, to be precise. Barbed spears. Ugly, jagged spears that had either been dipped in red paint or…
"The Master will thank us for ridding his empire of useless scum like you!"
Gosunkugi rolled out of the way, wetting his pants and whimpering as Cat Mask tried to pin him to the sidewalk. The others just laughed at the free entertainment. He scrambled away on all fours only to have another spear land right in his path.
"Hold still, human! Die like the pathetic bug you are!"
Gosunkugi was cornered. Trapped! Any second now he was going to die! It wasn't fair! What did he do? No, wait…what had he done to them?
"Hello, demon!"A cheerful female voice over-laden with the same bubbly Chinese accent Gos associated with Shampoo interrupted his morbid and self-pitying train of thought. There came a whirling noise and a sudden flash of light glinting off of something metallic. A second later, Cat Mask's head rolled off his body and the thug bled out in an impressive yet stomach-churning fashion.
"Goodbye, demon!"
And that is when his angel of bloody mercy swept down from her rooftop perch with her razor-edged boomerang in one hand and her nine-ring sword in the other. She struck a defiant pose, tilted her chin up and laughed at the thugs who had tried to kill him.
"This is where you run away," she told them mockingly.
The thugs raised their spears and charged as one with a mighty yell. Laughing, the woman met them with sword flashing and eyes dancing with strangely innocent joy! Watching her weave in and out of the spear-thrusts, her foes missing by the slimmest of margins, her grace and ferocity combining to turn her fight into a dance of death, Gosunkugi could not help but be thankful that this woman was not his enemy! She was as good as the hated Saotome!
The fight was not a fair one. Within a few seconds, the last of the thugs had fallen to ichor-oozing chunks of dead meat, and Gos's knight in rough Chinese silks was turning her attention back towards him.
"Hmph. Hardly worth the trouble," the woman commented to the world at large, wiping her sword clean. "What is the world coming to when one of Ming I's pet sorceresses cannot even find decent minions? You, boy…you can get up. It's safe. They're dead."
Gos swallowed, looked up at her outstretched hand, and fell in love all over again. All thoughts of Tendo Akane fled his heart for good as he took the helping (warm!) hand and struggled to his feet.
"Th-thank you very much, Miss…"
"You call me Sulan."
"Th-thank you, Sulan!"
"It is nothing. A mere outsider male such as you could not hope to fight them off yourself. To repay me, you will guide me to a member of my tribe said to be here. You would know of Cologne, Elder of the Courageous Women?"
"Oh! I know where she…that is…uhm…"
"Show me the way," Sulan ordered.
Whimpering quietly, all thought of school forgotten, Gosunkugi turned to show this beauteous, strong, incredible woman the way to the Nekohaten.
At the Kuno Mansion, Takewaki and Kodachi were caring for a sudden and quite unexpected guest…
"I must thank you for your generosity and kindness, Tendo-san."
"It is nothing! The very least I can do is put the resources of the Kuno Clan to work in helping my beloved tigress recover from the injuries inflicted by the dark sorcerer!"
Kodachi laughed: "Please, brother dear, spare me your histrionics! Ranma-sama is not the sort to strike even so worthless a peasant as Tendo Akane…oh, I do beg your pardon!"
"That's quite all right, Kuno-san. However, I would remind you that the Tendo Clan was also samurai. How else would we manage to have such a fine compound in the middle of Tokyo?"
An uncomfortable silence descended while the two siblings processed this: Tatewaki exalting in the thought that his beloved Akane was of suitable blood after all, and Kodachi hastily recalibrating her mind around the thought that she had perhaps been in error…
"Ranma-kun is another matter. I suspect he may be of burakumin stock. Still, Father insists on the match, and it is my duty to see to it that the marriage is carried out. I understand this pleases neither one of you, but it is a matter of giri. Our personal feelings are not a concern."
Kodachi blinked. Was that…sarcasm?
'However, with the dojo in ruins and Ranma-kun wanted by the police, should a scion of Kuno aid in bringing him to justice, surely Father could not object to an omiai with my youngest sister."
That was all Tatewaki needed to hear. Without bothering to excuse himself, the Blue Blunder sprang up from the table and dashed off to fetch the Kuno honor blade, bellowing his intent to smash the Foul Demon Saotome once and for all. Kodachi raised an eyebrow and opened her mouth as if to speak.
Across the table, Kasumi smiled and held up a hand to stall her question.
"And when Ranma-sama defeats your idiot brother, Lady Kuno, you will be the head of the clan, both de facto and de jure. Do you not find this pleasing?"
"I…I do." Kodachi shook her head. "I would have thought your middle sister the only one capable of such careful manipulation," she added in a low voice.
"I have some small talent at such games, Ko-chan. From whom did you imagine Nabiki learned her art?"
Kasumi laughed pleasantly, covering her mouth with one hand. It should have been a pleasant sound, but Kodachi turned aside to look out the window, hoping to hide the sudden chill in her bones. Something was very wrong with this picture…
Hibiki Ryoga, the eternally lost boy, was lost no longer. The gates of Furinkan High were before him. He grinned. Soon, he would have his revenge on Ranma and profess his love to Akane, and she would accept him in spite of the curse and forgive him for being P-chan and…
Wait. Something was different. He thought of Ranma stealing his bread…and felt nothing. He tried again, summoning up every memory he could of Ranma's insults and abuse. Still nothing. No anger, no depression, no resentment…nothing. He thought of the last time Ranma had insulted Akane: he had called her an uncute tomboy right after she had accused him of flirting with Shampoo, who had glomped him when as anyone could see he didn't want to be touched. After that, anybody would have insulted her, no matter how cute she was!
Ryoga blinked. What was this? Where was his righteous anger?
"There you are," an all too familiar voice reached him. The diminutive figure of Happosai bounced down from a rooftop. "Bet you're feeling the effects as well. Too bad."
"Huh? What? What do you want, you…you…" Ryoga fought to think of an appropriate epithet for the wizened old man. None came to mind. "Panty thief."
Happosai laughed. "That's it? That's the best insult you can come up with on the spur of the moment? Pathetic."
"Hey! Not like I usually have any other problem with you, Grandpa!"
"But you will. Those damn Jammers burned the best site in town, and now all the spells tied to it are wearing off. So I have to kill you quickly before you wake up completely."
"Huh?"
"Don't worry. Ranma will be blamed. I've made sure of that. You'll have your precious revenge from beyond the grave!"
"But…"
With that, Happosai leapt at Ryoga and the newest Battle of Furinkan was joined!
End Phase Three
Loading Phase Four
Author's DebriefingJust when you thought this wasn't going to get any weirder, it did! Where we go from here, nobody knows…but there are at least two major Feng Shui sites left in Nerima that need destroying.
This is NOT a Ranma/Nabiki matchup. Nor is it a Ranma/Patches matchup. Nor, I promise you, is it a Kelly/Ranma or Sulan/Ranma matchup…although Gos might just get lucky.
Sorry for the delay, folks. Versions one through eight of this chapter involved way too much blah-blah-blah and not enough bang-pow-boom for my taste. It still does, but there you are.
Feng Shui character credits:
Kelly Wu, a slightly different flavor of Magic Cop, was played by Ron Abitz.
Sulan is a 'Chinese Amazon' from a 69AD juncture campaign we tried once, played by Yours Truly.
Our friendly neighborhood gaijin is a Transformed Jackal named Marco Scarlotti…conceived by Yours Truly.
So now we have Guiding Hand, Thorns, Ascended, Jammers, Dragons, and multiplying subplots. Next Phase starts with the Ryoga-Happosai fight…