Fifteen feet of pure white snow

Chapter 3: A pain that I'm used to

Yuffie was curled up on Leon's couch, looking confused and a bit scared. She stared at her best friend for a while. He was sitting on the floor with his legs crossed, looking up at her, his eyes were full of unasked questions.

"I'm not gonna force you, Yuffie, but it might help if you talk about it."

"Yeah, maybe."

"What happened on Monday? There must have been something, you've been acting weird ever since."

"I talked to Tifa," Yuffie said, looking at her hands, "I didn't ask her out or anything, I didn't even try to flirt with her. We just talked.

I was eating my lunch outside cause the cafeteria was crammed. I was sitting under that tree you know, the big one, what kind of tree is that?"

"An ash."

"Ash, okay. So, I was sitting under the ash, eating my lunch, and then Tifa came and asked if she could sit there with me. She asked me if I was a new student or something, and I said I wasn't. She told me that she had seen me this morning, and hadn't recognized me, which she found weird, cause I was one of the few people in the entire school who didn't look as dull as dishwater. Then she just shrugged and said something about not knowing all the freshmen yet. We ate in silence. That was a messed up sentence. We ate in silence. I don't talk like that, do I? Now I'm rambling here, sorry, I'll get back to the story. So, anyway, we ate and then she asked if I wanted to go for a walk. And then we walked. She did most of the talking. She talked a lot about winter, and then she mentioned something about the first snow, and then all of a sudden she stopped talking and looked really sad. I asked what was wrong, and she said it was nothing important, she was just a bit sad because she had broken up with her girlfriend, Larxene or whatever she's called, and now she wouldn't have anyone to share the first snow with. I guess she finds snow romantic or something. Then she forced a smile and told me she was better of without her. I asked why, and at first she just mumbled something, but then she kind of opened up and told me the whole story of their relationship. Turns out Larxene was really awful to her. Apparently she was cheating on her and not even making an effort to try hiding it. Tifa says her friends were trying to convince her that she deserved better, and that Larxene was bad for her, but she refused to listen to them. I think she still feels really bad about that. She told me she'd been really mean to them before the break-up. But Larxene didn't just cheat on her. She was really awful to Tifa, always comparing her to other girls and saying things like "Why can't you look more like her?" and "Maybe if you did your hair like that girl you wouldn't look like such a mess". Stuff like that. But the worst part is that Tifa didn't just end it. I don't know why, I guess she thought Larxene would change or something. Or maybe she actually believed that rubbish she was told about not being pretty enough and stuff.

Anyway, she pretty much lost contact with her friends, both because she was spending pretty much all her time with Larxene, and because she didn't like them telling her that she shouldn't let Larxene treat her like that. And then when she finally ended the relationship, which had lasted for over a year, by the way, how could she stay in a relationship with a girl like that for so long? Anyway, when she ended it, her friends welcomed her back as if nothing had happened. She kept going on and on about how she didn't deserve friends like Seifer and Zexion. I think those two are her only friends. Imagine if they'd rejected her after she broke up with Larxene? Do you think she would have managed to keep going alone? She told me they were really supportive and stuff when she was feeling down, and listened to her talking and held her while she cried and gave her advice when she didn't know what to do. I think she feels really, really, really bad for the way she treated them, and I don't think she's got much self-esteem. I bet Larxene totally ruined her confidence. She doesn't seem to think she's worth anything.

You know, I think she cuts herself. Actually I'm sure she does. Have you noticed how she's always wearing something around her wrist? Like on Monday she was wearing lots of ribbons in different shades of purple. When I said it looked cool, she got this panicked look on her face for a few seconds, then she covered it up with a smile, but I could tell she was faking. Her eyes looked so scared, and all the way back she was clenching her wrist so hard her knuckles were white. I just feel so bad for her. She's just been in a relationship with the biggest bitch in the world, yet she thinks she's worthless."

Leon had been quite the entire time while Yuffie talked. He still had the same expression on his face, but the questions in his eyes were gone, replaced by worry. Yuffie knew he would worry so much about her that he'd forget thinking about himself, that was why she hadn't wanted to tell him about her conversation with Tifa. Yuffie looked down at her wrists. They were still covered in scars. Some of those cuts had been so deep that the thin white lines they had left would never fade completely. She'd been cutting for months when she finally couldn't take it anymore and told Leon everything, begging him to help her quit. He took away her pocketknife and her razors, and spent hours listening to her talk about her problems, helping her get through.

She didn't really know why Tifa's cutting made her so upset. Maybe it was because she saw so much of herself in the other girl. That feeling of never being good enough, of being worthless. She knew what it felt like when you sat there with your knife, that feeling of control. She knew how wonderful it was to forget the emotional pain for a while, because the physical pain was bigger. But she also knew that as the agony dwindled away the emotional pain came back, and for every cut it would be a little harder to forget the hurt inside, and every time it would come back a little stronger. She knew so well what Tifa was going through, yet she could not think of a way to help her.

She looked desperately at Leon

"Help me, Leon," she said, "please."

-

Tifa looked up as Seifer entered her room. She pulled discreetly at the left sleeve of her black shirt, making sure her wrist was covered.

"What's bugging you, Tee?" he asked in a concerned voice.

"Nothing," she lied.

"Yeah, right. Come on, I know something's wrong."

"You read me like a book, don't you? I'm sorry, I know I'm being silly and everything, it's just I've kind of been thinking about Larxene a lot lately." She could feel the familiar pricking behind her eyelids that meant she would be crying like a baby any moment.

"You shouldn't be. You're way to good for her. She treated you like dirt, and you're better off without her."

Tifa was weeping silently now. Tears rolling down her cheeks. Seifer sat down next to her and put his arms around her. She rested her head on his shoulder and cried until she didn't have any tears left.

"Do you want to tell me about it?" he asked when she had stopped crying. She nodded silently, and breathed slowly a few times to calm herself.

"I know I shouldn't miss her, and I know she was bad for me and everything, it's just earlier this week I was thinking about how I hoped it would snow soon, and it reminded me of the first snow last year. It was such a wonderful day. It was freezing cold, so Larxene and I had wrapped ourselves in scarves and sweaters and big jackets and we were on our way to this little café where they have the best cocoa in the world, when suddenly it started snowing. There was no wind so the big flakes were falling silently down, down, down. It was so beautiful. And we stood there between the snowflakes, hugging each other to stay warm. It was so romantic. When I think about moments like that I kind of forget all the bad stuff."

"It's perfectly fine that you think of the good memories from time to time, just remember that even though there were some good times, there were so many times when she hurt you, and treated like you were just another accessory, not an actual human being with real feelings. She didn't treat you like you were worth anything."

"Maybe I'm not?"

"Don't be silly. Of course you are. To me you are. To me you're worth more than anything n the world. You're my best friend, and best friends are there for each other. Always remember, that, right? I'm here for you, no matter what. You are worth something, and whenever you doubt that just think of me. You are worth a lot. Friendship is the most important thing in the world, and I'll always be you're friend."

She smiled weakly. "Thank you," she whispered.

"I want you to promise me something, alright?"

"Sure."

"Promise me that if there is anything wrong, and you need someone to talk to, or a shoulder to cry on, remember that I'm there for you. Remember that I'll always be your friend. Remember that to me you are worth more than and the gold and diamonds and pearls in the world. Promise me that, okay?"

"Promise."

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Another chapter. Woot. When I started writing this story was planning on making Tifa really cold and distant and ice-queen-ish, but sometimes things don't work out like I've planned. Before I knew what was going on she was suddenly human and sad and vulnerable, and I started to like her.

Title from a Depeche Mode song. "Pain that I'm used to" obviously refers to the cutting. It's like the physical pain you get from cutting is the pain you're used to, and the emotional pain is new and scary and definitely not something you're used to.

As always, hope you like it… Candy canes for reviewers (yes, I know that's more of a x-mas thing, but still…)