Upper City Taris

Why am I always dreaming of hot chicks . . .

A beautiful Jedi with a yellow lightsaber, tan robes and a VERY curvaceous body battered away at a dark Jedi before he gave way and crumpled to the ground under her fierce barrage.

Is it wrong that I'm terribly turned on right now?

She took a battle stance with her lightsaber as a trooper was choked to death with the force. A figure obscured in dark robes retracted his hand and pulled his lightsaber from his belt. The sith twirled his red weapon and pointed it at the girl.

Please tell me the girl is going to take her clothes off.

Then Kar woke up, which immediately made his subconscious happiness fade. He stumbled up from the bed and found that his clothes had been oddly stripped off of him. Hadn't his clothes been on the last time he was conscious in the escape pod?

"Glad to see you're awake," Kar recognized Carth's voice which still seemed to have an annoying tone with it.

The soldier turned and had to keep from choking on his own saliva as he realized that Carth had just left the shower and was now only covered in a small white towel.

"Put some damn clothes on Carth," He snapped, all the while trying to gouge his eyes out with as little pain as possible, "Just because you have a small object doesn't mean you have to overcompensate by showing off everything else!"

Carth grunted, looking on the verge of tears despite his attempt to look manly in a small towel, "Are you always this cruel? Well, atleast you're not thrashing in your sleep," He glanced down at Kar and arched a brow, "Um, why do you have a . . .?"

Kar quickly got the sheet from his bed and covered himself, glaring at him, "Stop staring at my body you little creep, and just why am I in my underwear?"

"Well you see," Carth drawled, walking back into the fresher, "When we landed you were heavily wounded, so when I dragged you here I had to take your clothes off to look at your injuries."

"YOU DID WHAT?!"

"Don't worry I left your underwear on, well, the top part anyway."

Kar's eye twitched in indescribable rage. Slowly he walked over to a nearby footlocker, after putting on his clothes, and then grabbed his blaster and vibroblade. Slowly, the soldier stalked over with his blaster in his hand back over to the fresher, prepared to satiate his bloodlust. This bloodlust was immediately extinguished when Carth walked back out without the towel, letting it all hang out.

"Carth put some damn clothes on!"

"I'm going, I'm going," Carth said easily, walking past Kar who looked ready to go positively comatose, "Don't worry; my clothes are right over there."

"Carth," Kar growled, "Could I please be allowed to murder you?"

"You'll miss my entire side quest," Carth stated matter-of-factly.

"Do I atleast get something worth it at the end?"

Carth looked over and smiled, "My eternal friendship."

"Does this mean I can murder you now?"

"No."

Kar threw his hands up, "This is bullshit!"

90 Minutes of Pointless Exposition Later . . .

"For Force's sake Carth all I asked is what we're supposed to do now, not the entire background of the Universe and your backstory. When I want to know about your whiny son and your stupid wife I'll ask you when the game prompts me and makes me feel guilty about it!"

Carth promptly burst out crying, "Why do you have to be so mean!?"

"What are you, a five year old crying over dropping your ice cream on the concrete, and by the Force would you stop crying!"

Carth sniffled and looked up at Kar, "Can I get some banana ice cream from the cantina Kar?"

Kar moaned, "Fine, will it shut you up?"

"Can I get a large scoop with chocolate beans?"

"You can get a small scoop with a cherry, Carth."

"But Dad, why do you never get me what I want?"

"And for Force's sake stop calling me Daddy!"

Walking out of the apartment with Carth made Kar realize how smelly it was on Taris. Frowning, he realized the smell was coming from sith officer that was currently holding up two Duros with his two battle droids. The officer shouted something stupid and shot one of the Duro. Realizing that he probably wasn't going to get away with just ignoring the event, Kar stepped forward, and the officer finally took notice of the two of them.

He turned and his eyes bugged out of his head, "What's this? Human hiding out with aliens, they must be Republic fugitives, attack!"

"Hold on just a fucking minute!" Kar shouted in his defense, "How does us being humans and living here make us Republic fugitives? What, you think that just because you have the accent of the year that suddenly you know everything? Where'd you pull that logic from, your ass?"

The Officer pumped up his pathetically weak chest, "And just who are you to talk to me like that?"

Kar also made a show of puffing his chest, "I am . . . the man."

Obviously what happened next was the officer and the two droids exploded on the spot.

What ACTUALLY happened was Carth used the distraction to shoot all three of them in the face. Unfortunately, he also shot the last surviving Duro is face three times.

Carth lowered his two blasters with a solemn look, "Oops."

"Carth," Kar raged, "We haven't been out of the Apartment for two seconds and you've already murdered an innocent."

"Sorry," The orange jacket soldier apologized, "But sometimes I tend to have a serial killer moment."

"Only three seconds later and I already regret not murdering you."

Deciding to randomly open a door, Kar unlocked the poorly secured door and stepped inside, and was immediately met by a crazy bitch with a vibroblade.

"Goddamn youth!" This was quickly followed by a large blaster shot. Kar stormed out, and was immediately stopped by a green Twi'Lek who decided to go on and on about some retarded energy shield or something.

"These things look like shit," Kar stated matter-of-factly, holding up one of the energy bands to his eyes, "Did you happen to pick these out of the trash and glue it together with bubble gum, and all for a hundred credits? This is a rip off and bullshit!"

The Twi'Lek smoothly responded, "I assure you that these are of the highest quality."

Carth looked at the shield in Kar's hand, "Is that a condom wrapper tying the thing together?"

"Er, I'll take that back," The Twi'Lek said hurriedly, stuffing it into his back pocket, "Look; I don't have time to deal with you all day, so just move along."

Kar flipped him off and stalked off. The Upper city was quite possibly the worst thing Kar had ever seen in his life, considering that it practically reeked of snootiness and bitches.

It took about a thousand hours of walking around to finally figure out what the hell was going on. And even longer to find out where the Cantina was. It only took Carth complaining every five seconds about his ice cream to make Kar almost want to jump off the ledge of the Upper City and see what happened. Finally finding the cantina and ordering Carth's precious ice cream, Kar decided to just go stumbling around to find something to do.

Leaving the Cantina and searching around, he ran right into the entrance to the Lower city. Of course the dick soldier had to stop him.

"You are not allowed to get into the Lower City unless you are a Sith Patrol, and judging by the incredibly ugly and piss smelling clothes you have on, you are clearly not a Sith."

"Well fuck you to!" Kar growled, reaching for his pistol. Before his hand could even touch the holster, two giant arms captured his arms. They were seven feet tall, each weighing five hundred pounds and wearing fancy suits.

The trooper looked giddy enough to piss his pants, "Make sure you beat the shit out of him boys."

Kar groaned, "Son of a Dick!"

About eighty minutes later, Kar stumbled back into the cantina, with several bones sticking out of him and cuts and bruises making him look like a swollen mass of skin and red shit. Carth, who had the image of a lost puppy, ran up to him and asked what happened.

"I got gangbanged," Kar mumbled, "Can't really remember anything though."

"Do you need a Band-Aid?"

"Carth just shut the fuck up before I kill you. We need to find a way to get some sith uniforms to get into the Lower City."

"Well," Carth began, "While you were gone, I starting talking to that girl over there."

He pointed out a solitary girl sipping at a drink in the corner. Kar raised an eyebrow, "Did you finally lose your virginity?"

"I have a son."

"There are . . . other ways that could have come about."

Carth ignored him, "Anyway, I started talking to the girl and she said she was a sith soldier who was having a party with some other sith, and they were bringing their uniforms with them."

Kar blanched, "How in the hell did you get her to talk?!"

Carth smiled widely, "She enjoyed my sensitive and paranoid nature."

"By the Force you found a Carth fan girl."

"She's not my fan girl," Carth defended, "She genuinely likes me."

Kar glared at him skeptically, "Did she know your entire side quest by heart and have a T-shirt dedicated to Telos?"

" . . . Yes."

"Carth I swear to the Force if this is a Carth fan party, I'm killing everybody there including you."

Deciding to spend the time until the party looking around the cantina, Kar walked into the room labeled as the dueling room. There, people milled about watching something on the view screens on the wall. Of course the one thing that took Kar's attention was the girl in the combat suit and realllly tight pants. He sidled up to her, carrying with him his terribly wounded mass with him.

"What's your name?" Kar asked, trying to be as charming as possible, which wasn't much.

She glanced at him dismissively, "Ice, and would you keep your face away from my breasts?"

"Sorry I got distracted," He said sheepishly, "Anyway, I'm going to a party, want to come with me?"

She seemed to think about it for a long while before she answered, "Is there unprotected sex involved?"

"If at all possible then yes," Kar said quickly.

"I'm in."

It was about three hours later and Kar was pissed off as usual. Carth had decided to leave while he was taking a nap, all the while leaving a note with a poorly drawn map on it that failed to say where the hell the damn party was. It took about another hour before he finally figured out he had the map upside down and got back onto the right track, but by then he wasn't even sure where the hell he was.

After thirty minutes of retracing his steps, then re-retracing his steps, he finally found the apartment complex that was supposed to have held the party. Walking in, he eventually found the correct room number and opened the door. What he found inside made him almost bite his tongue off to keep from screaming.

Everyone in the room was dead, shot in some way or another. The walls were covered in blaster pock marks, and it smelled of rotting death. Carth was back in the corner, knees drawn up to his chest and eyes wide as saucers. Kar's eye twitched in rage as he saw Ice's dead body slumped in the corner.

"CARTH WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?!"

Carth looked up and sniffed, "I had another serial killer moment."

Kar looked around wildly, and then saw Ice dressed in the skimpiest dress he had ever seen. He ran over and checked her for a pulse, but found none, "Carth! I was about to have unprotected sex with this woman, UNPROTECTED SEX DAMNIT!"

"I got us the uniforms though," Carth said in appeasement, pointing to a big footlocker in the corner.

"Unprotected sex Carth, Do you know how hard it is to get away with that?"

"Didn't your parents tell you to be responsible when you were a kid?"

"Just get the uniforms before I murder you in your sleep and then shit on your grave Carth."

Several Hours Later

"Another sith patrol heading down to the Lower City," The trooper said, and then cocked his head, "Are you wearing a female's uniform?"

"Are you trying to check me out or something?" Kar demanded, "Open the elevator, and I swear to the Force if I feel one eye on my ass, I'll kill you!"

Kar stalked into the elevator while Carth patted the soldier on the shoulder, "Don't worry, he's just mad he couldn't get his sex change until next week."

"Carth, get in this damn elevator so I can beat your ass!"