CARRY ON WAYWARD ROAD
BACK TO THE BEGINNING
CHAPTER 3
Morning came way too slow. Dean felt tired. He felt more tired than when he had laid down. Sammy had woken up, crying. John remained asleep, still snoring.
Dean had gotten up, made his brother a bottle and got a container of baby food from his bag. He picked up his brother, giving him his bottle and changing his wet diaper. He then fed him his breakfast, which was a lot messier not having a highchair, after his little brother had finished his food and his bottle, Dean wiped down his hands and face and changed his clothes.
He was proud of himself, he had taken care of his brother all by himself, like a big boy! He was sure his mom would be happy and come back if he kept that up. He even managed to take care of him without waking his dad.
He sat his brother in his pack-n-play with the few toys Dad got from the house and made his way to the bathroom, after using the bathroom and changing his own clothes, he sat on his bed, watching his brother play, and wondering how long it would be before his dad woke up.
He was hungry, and was hoping maybe they could see their mom today. It seemed like a really long time before John woke up. Sam had pooped and needed another diaper change, which Dean had done without complaining, and also fixed him a new bottle before John even showed signs of waking.
Dean's tummy was rumbling by the time his dad woke. But, he didn't say anything. He finished feeding Sam his bottle as the baby fell asleep. Dean laid him back in his bed, figuring it was probably close to his nap time anyhow, and placed his blanket over his sleeping brother. Dean then sat back against the head of the bed, waiting for his dad to come back in the room.
He heard the shower running. He heard the shower turn off. He then heard his dad's shaver buzzing. And the sink running. Once his dad came out of the room Dean felt like he was so hungry he was going to be sick. He still didn't say anything. His dad fixed a pot of coffee in the small coffee maker that sat on the counter.
"We've got things we have to do today" John said, with no emotion in his voice. He looked down at the sleeping baby and added, "I guess we'll have to wait for him to wake up."
Dean didn't like the sound of that. He wanted something to eat. Mom would have gotten him something to eat already. Mom wouldn't have slept so long, she would have woken up and fed Sammy and changed him and made Dean breakfast. She would know he was hungry. She would have heard his tummy rumbling. She always knew everything.
He wanted to tell his dad he was hungry, but figured there was no point in it. He had already said they had to wait till Sammy woke up, and he didn't want to do anything to make his dad mad. He had to be good, so his mom would come back. Dean figured, maybe if he laid down and took a nap, like Sammy was, that would help him not feel so sick, and stop his tummy from rumbling.
He must have been sleepy because it didn't take him long to fall asleep, and sleep seemed too short. He woke up having a bad dream, about his mom. He was scared, but he was determined not to cry! He looked at the bed beside him and his dad just sat there, staring at him.
"Bad dream?"
Dean nodded his head yes but was too scared of his dad's tone of voice, it sounded like he was someone different, like he didn't have any emotions at all.
Finally! Sam had woken up. Dean fixed him another bottle, giving it to him as he changed his diaper, and retrieved another container of baby food, prepared to feed his brother his lunch. John stopped him before he opened the food.
"Let's feed him his lunch while we eat."
Dean was happy to hear that, and his rumbling tummy agreed. He nodded his head in agreeance as they headed out to get some much needed food. The day seemed to drag on. Dean was happy to fill his little tummy, and Sammy was happy that Dean had filled his too.
The rest of the day they spent in and out of the car. They had to go to some place that his dad called a morgue and he had to sit in a chair in an empty, cold hall way and hold his brother until his dad came back. Then, they had to go to the police station, again, Dean had to sit and hold his brother, waiting for his dad seemed to be the only thing he was doing all day. Then his dad made a couple more stops, the same thing, his dad talked to people and Dean sat, with his brother, and waited.
Finally, they made their way back to their house. Dean was excited to be going home. But he could feel his heart shatter when he was told they couldn't stay there, they were just going to get some more things. He was sure he had been good enough that this time his dad would be bringing his mom back. This time he got to go inside with Dad and Sam. But, he was told they couldn't go past the living room.
Dean searched for signs of his mom, but everything looked the same. He couldn't find her anywhere. He sat Sam in one of his toys, knowing he would be safe there and he made his way up the stairs, looking for his mom. He looked in his room, she wasn't there. He looked in his mom and dad's room, still no mom. Then, his heart fell to the floor, he saw his baby brother's room. There was nothing left. It was all burned. He looked at the ceiling and nothing, no mom, nothing. He could feel the tears start to fill his eyes as he fought them back.
"What are you doing? I thought I told you to stay in the living room!"
His dad's voice startled him. He didn't even look at him, he was afraid there would still be tears threatening his eyes, he just ducked his head and ran back downstairs, picking his brother up and caring him back to the car.
His mom wasn't there. She really did leave him. He didn't know what he had done, but whatever it was, it was bad enough his mom didn't love him anymore. He buckled Sam into his seat, and buckled his own seatbelt, waiting for their dad to finish whatever he was doing.
Dean hated himself. He wasn't really sure what he was feeling at the time, but he knew it was a bad feeling and it was directed at himself. He knew he was bad, and because of him being so bad, Sammy had to suffer. Not only was he bad enough their mom left HIM but she left SAMMY too!
Their dad had finished gathering items he needed and made one more stop after they left the house, he told Dean to stay in the car and he came back with bags full of bottles, he told Dean those were his and for adults only, that he would stop and get him some of his own special drinks.
They stopped and got some drinks for Dean and grabbed some supper too. Then they were back at the motel room. John told Dean to watch his brother while he took a shower. After he was finished he opened a bottle of his special drink and told Dean to give his brother a bath and get him ready for bed.
Dean did as he was told, still hopeful that his mom would come back if he was good. Once Sammy was cleaned and in his PJs he laid him down with his bottle, after he had fallen asleep, Dean went and took a shower and readied himself for bed too.
He didn't even have a reason to stay up. He had to be good, had to do what Dad wanted, so, he crawled under his covers and laid in bed. He was scared to go to sleep, scared of the bad dreams, but he knew his dad would want him to at least be laying down.
Dean wasn't even sure if it was his bedtime, didn't matter, he was laying down anyhow, because that's what good boys do. He watched as his dad drank his special drinks and started acting funny, like he did the night before. He bumped into things when he walked, his voice sounded funny and he almost fell down a couple times.
He was loud and made Sammy wake up and start crying. Dean didn't even hesitate, he didn't want to be yelled at again. He jumped up and grabbed his brother, quieting him down, and comforting him back to sleep.
John just collapsed back on the bed like he had done the night before, soon the silence was filled with his snores and Dean put Sam back to bed. Again, he wasn't able to sleep well. His dreams were full of his mom and the fire.
The bright lights from outside where shining in the room and his dad's snores were loud. He heard a siren go down the road and his heart skipped a beat. Fear filled him like it had the night before. Dean laid awake until sleep took over, only to wake him again with the scary things in his dream. Repeating the same routine over and over until morning came and his brother woke, needing his care.
Just like the day before, he gave him his bottle, changed his diaper, fed him his food, this time he wasn't quiet as messy, then changed his clothes after washing his face and hands. He then placed him back in his bed with his toys, watching the happy little baby play while his dad slept on the bed beside him.
Dean was thankful that his dad had gotten him some drinks, they kept him from feeling sick when his tummy started rumbling.
He kept his brother changed and fed, this time his dad slept through lunch, so he fed Sam another container of baby food. He had thought about eating one himself because he was so hungry, but decided against it, he had to make sure he saved them for Sammy, had to make sure he had enough to eat.
When his dad did wake he seemed content on the liquid in his bottles, crushing all Dean's hopes for food. He sipped on his drinks, keeping the nauseated feeling away. He figured, at some point, his dad would feed him.
The sun went down, his dad showered, then left, telling Dean to bath his brother and put him to bed, that he needed to get some more drinks. Dean was brave. He did what he was told, he fed his brother his supper, gave him a bath, changed him into his night clothes then laid him down with his bottle.
Once he was a sleep, Dean showered and crawled into bed. He heard the motor of the car pull up and turn off. He quickly jumped up, grabbed his brother, and tucked him in bed beside him. This time, he would be ready, he would keep his brother from crying.
John stumbled in, just as loud as he had been the past couple nights, still acting just as funny as before. When Sam started to stir, Dean comforted him, keeping him asleep. He watched his dad stumble around, tripping over Sam's bed, cursing while he picked it up and threw it. Dean was glad he had Sam next to him, but didn't know if he could be brave anymore, he was scared even more than when his dad yelled at him.
John stumbled to the bed and collapsed, again, snoring, again. Dean cuddled around Sam and actually got some decent sleep. His dad had woke him up, before Sam even woke, telling him he needed to get up and get ready. He wasn't sure what for, but he did as he was told, that was the only way his mom would come back.
He woke Sammy, giving him his bottle, changing his diaper, feeding him, washing him off, and changing his clothes, the same routine as the previous days, then he got himself changed. This time, things were a little different because Dad was awake, but he didn't help any, so it really didn't matter. They then left, Dad telling Dean it was going to be a long day and if he misbehaved at all then he would be in trouble.
The place they went to had a room that had pictures of his mom on display. Maybe this is where she's at, Dean wondered, there was a box that the pictures sat around. People were crying. Dad had taken Sam and acted like he was the best father in the world. Other people took Sam too, to help Dad out. They changed him and fed him.
Dean didn't like other people taking his brother like that, but he had to be good, he didn't care about getting in trouble, he just wanted his mom to come back. People kept telling him how sorry they were and how much they will miss Mary.
Dean missed her too, but was sure she would be back soon. He just smiled at them, or nodded in agreement. Some of the people he recognized, some of them he didn't. He wondered if they were going back home today, after they left this place.
The day was long, his dad had been right about that. They had to sit in these long seats that lots of people could fit in at the same time, and listen to people, including his dad, talk about his mom. They talked about what a good mother and wife she was.
They shared happy memories about her. Dean enjoyed hearing all the good things about his mom. But, still, he couldn't understand why everyone was so sad, why even the big people were crying, didn't they know only babies cried?
Many people had approached John, voicing their concern about Dean. They mentioned how quiet he was, how he didn't speak. They talked about how he wasn't crying or acting sad, they were concerned about his lack of emotions.
John hadn't noticed, but just blew them all off, he told them he was only four and dealt with things differently. But the fact that other people were pointing this out to him had upset him.
Dean watched as people left, heading for their cars, lining them all in a row. It was like a parade! Dean likes parades. John had someone else take Sammy out to the car, he said he needed a moment, alone, with Dean and Mary. Dean was glad to hear that, finally, he gets to see his mom again! Maybe he had been good enough that she would come back and be his mom.
They walked into the room with the pictures and box.
"Do you understand what this is?" John asked.
Dean just shook his head.
"Remember I told you that your mom was dead?"
Dean looked sad but nodded his head.
"This…" John said, pointing to the box, "is what's left of your mom's body. Dean, she's dead, she's not coming back, ever."
He picked Dean up, and lifted the lid to the casket. Shock filled Dean as he saw the chard remains of his mom. He couldn't recognize her, and parts of the body were missing, but he could tell it was a body.
"That is your mom" John explained. "She's burned up, she died. She isn't coming back. Get that through your thick skull!" John closed the lid and sat Dean back down. "Got it?"
Dean didn't know what to say. He had never seen a dead body before, especially one that looked like that. He just stared at his dad, wide eyed.
"Come on, boy. We gotta get this over with!" John said as he placed a hand on Dean's shoulder and ushered him out to the car.
Dean was a bit disappointed, the parade was nothing like he thought it would be. They stopped in a place that had a whole bunch of stones. His dad explained to him while they drove there, that they were going to a grave yard, that these places were where you buried people after they died, like his mom.
They were going to bury her in the ground and she was never coming back. He explained to him that there was no way of escaping from the box once it was in the ground. Dean just sat wide eyed. He couldn't understand anything his dad was saying. He was telling him that they were going to put his mom in the ground, so she could never come back, never be his mom again.
Once they stopped, they all stood around a big hole in the ground, above the hole was the box his mom was in. A few more words were said, then they lowered her box into the ground. Dean wanted to jump in the hole too. He wanted to be with his mom. He wanted to tell her he was sorry for whatever bad thing he did. But, he didn't.
He remained still, being good, just like he was told. Once it was over, and everyone left, Dean sat in his seat in the car. Someone else had buckled Sam in, but Dean checked to make sure it was done correctly. The weird people all tried to talk to Dean, trying to get him to answer back, but he didn't want to. He just wanted this nightmare to be over.
Someone even suggested that he see a psychologist, which infuriated John. Once they had made it back to the motel they were all exhausted. The same nightly routine took place, John showered, then Dean gave Sam a bath, followed by a bottle and clean clothes.
John was already asleep by the time Dean had finished Sam's bath. Once Sam had fallen asleep, Dean showered and laid down. He couldn't sleep, he couldn't get the image of the body inside the box out of his head. He was so scared, and sad, and still held out hope that his mom would somehow come back.
The days turned to weeks. Visitors would come and go, when they came, John was nice, he would take care of Sammy and talk to the people. When they were gone, he just drank his special drinks, not removing himself from his bed, and made Dean take care of the baby.
After so many people had voiced their concerns about Dean's behavior, John had no choice but to take him to the doctor, acting like the loving caring father he was supposed to be. He wasn't thrilled with the idea of taking him to a shrink. They were just a waste of money.
After a couple visits, without any results, John decided he would take matters into his own hands. He didn't have the money to waste on some crazy doctor. It had been months since Mary's death and it was time his oldest son grew up and acted right.
"Boy! I'm not going to tell you again! I ain't got the money to spend on no damn doctor! You know I need all the money I can get just to feed you two!" John took another swig of his special drink. "Now, I'd suggest you grow the hell up, do you understand me? I asked you a question! I said do you understand me?"
John grabbed Dean by the shoulders, digging his fingers in as deep as they would go, and shook him a few times, as hard as he could. Dean started crying. He was scared and what his dad was doing to him hurt.
He hadn't allowed himself to cry since his mom died, but he couldn't stop it this time. This time it was too much. He wanted his mommy more than ever. He had been such a good boy, he didn't understand why she hasn't come back. Before John could even think, he threw a fist, striking little Dean in the face.
"Only babies cry! You're not a baby anymore! It's time you grew up, Dean. You have to take care of your little brother, you have to watch out for Sammy."
His dad's words were followed by a slap across the face. Dean tried to squirm himself away but his dad had a death grip on his shoulder. His fingers, digging bruises into it.
"Does your face hurt? I hope so. Do you like that pain?" His questions weren't meant to be answered. "If you don't start opening that damn mouth of yours and talking again, it'll be worse than just a punch, or slap, to your face, I'll beat it out of you. Do you hear me? I can't afford to spend money on this quack of a doctor they are wanting me to send you to."
Dean was scared, he was more scared at that moment than he was the night his mom died. He couldn't stop the tears, they weren't tears from pain, these tears were born out of fear.
They only angered John more, he grabbed little Dean, pulling his pants down, exposing his bare bottom, and pulled him over his knees, he removed his belt and began spanking Dean with it. Yelling at him, telling him he wasn't going to stop until he spoke, that he had to beg him to stop, use his words, or he would spank him until every bit of his skin was torn away, maybe even until he died like his mom did.
That night was when Dean spoke again for the first time. Blood ran down his buttocks, back of his thighs, and his lower back. He was covered in dark purple bruises and lacerations that poured the blood, all caused by his dad's belt and his anger.
That was the moment John realized he could control Dean with the use of his belt. He wasn't finished, he made his son sit on his sore bottom, in a hard-wooden chair, and recite the ABCs and count to 100. He was still young, still had problems with doing those things, any time he messed up, his dad would make him start back from the beginning, told him he would spank him again, told him he couldn't get up until he finished.
That was the next moment in Dean's life that had changed who he was, it changed his family forever. He curled up in bed after his dad was too tired to make him continue his punishment, he had stopped crying. But, he still couldn't sleep.
When Sammy woke up, he was too sore to jump out of bed and quiet him, which only angered John who was too drunk to even remember what had happened, but it didn't stop him from throwing the threat of his belt Dean's way if he didn't take care of Sam.
Dean toughened up. He still stayed quiet, but would speak when he was spoken to. He kept taking care of his baby brother, still holding on to hope that one day he would be good enough that his mom would come back and love him again.