A note before reading: Do not be offended if you are a fan of Berri the
Chipmunk, and you find her attitude to be de-characterizing. I do not like
this character, and will portray her as I see fit.
Chapter 10: Berri's resurrection?
In a small, dark room, a short, hooded figure goes over a list, whistling to himself.
"He's making a list, checking it twice. Gonna find out who to slice and dice. Oh, heck. Cut them both, they don't have any tails anyway…"
He walked out of his office, which was decorated with skulls of various creatures and eerie blue candles. He is a denizen of the underworld, and one of the many gatekeepers who moderates just who goes to Hell and who doesn't. Basically playing the role of a poor man's Saint Peter, he hates his job, as well as the repetitiveness of keeping track of the species with the greatest number of/most easily-acquired lives: squirrels, cats and wasps. He also scorns the undead, since they mock an opportunity to take in an extra soul and collect his meager pay.
As he walked down the long, dark hallways, he came to a room that echoed with loud techno music. It read "Judgement #44763/self- deserved/bullet/tommygun/mobdon", and there was a little green tag to indicate that it was caused by intentional murder.
He opened the door, and inside, doing rather revealing stretches, was a tall, lithe, gray chipmunk by the name of Berri. She has considered pretty by most, though she had a very saucy demeanor, and a haplessly flaky attitude. Berri was Conker's fiancée before the panther king had been dethroned. In a nightly raid on the Willow Woods Feral Reserve Bank, which took place barely an hour after the destruction of the first Tediz base. The raid had gone well, until Don Weaselo, the very Don that came to chancellor Ugga Mountain, was called upon to tear her to pieces with a stream of bullets from his powerful tommygun.
"Like, hello? It had better not be that little reaper again."
"You bet your arse it is, you rude little prick."
"Who do you have the right to call little?"
"Alright, shut up for a second. I'm here to give you an offer I was probably not supposed to give you."
"And what would that be?"
"Well, Conker the squirrel, as you may remember, was your fiancée. But you probably don't know just what happened to him after your little incident. You see, he became king."
"You're kidding! Are the panther creep and fat weasel bitch gone too?"
"I believe I've already said too much. But I can tell you this much more. He's found someone else in his saddened wake. Yes, he still misses and mourns you very much. But I've not got to the point just yet."
"What? Someone else? That little… first he sets me up, then he lies to me, then he makes me dodge bullets from gun-toting morons, and now I'm being two-timed? That little, snotty, ugly…"
"Well, he does think you're dead! And if you'll stop blithering for a second, I can arrange for your resurrection!"
"Resurrection? You're letting me live again? But… why? I thought I hadn't met the standards!"
"Well, it will not only bolster our shaky friendship, but he may put me in a higher, better-paying position under his leadership."
"Alright. Like, what the hell do I do?"
"Follow me up to the introductory level."
They headed on over to a towering spiral of stairs, each floor leading to several doors placed adjacently to one another. As they came to a final, heavily decorated door at the top, it slowly swung open.
"Like, can't we get an elevator here?"
"SHHH. Follow me."
They made their way over to a table with what looked like résumé's stacked up in neat piles. Gregg shuffled through them until he came to 44763. He took it in hand, and pulled a little white bottle out of his pocket, labeled White Block. He opened it, and dabbed some white fluid over the bright red "failed" stamp on the back. He then opened a drawer, took out a "cleared" stamp, and whapped it down in place.
"That's all you have to do?" said Berri, relieved.
"Yep. Well, not quite." He raised his hand, then it disappeared. Suddenly, a huge, skeletal hand came down from the sky and grabbed Berri by the scruff of the neck.
"What the." It lifted her into the air.
"I suppose you want me to send you somewhere nice? Like, maybe, the castle?"
"Yeah, that would work fine," she uttered as she was pulled upward into the dark abyss.
---
Fluoresce slid the Panther pawn across the chessboard, capturing the fat weasel's Squirrel pawn on the other side. It was an old set, and it was made back when the squirrels and panthers were enemies, fighting with medieval weapons like swords and such.
"I can't believe he left like that, not even telling me. How could someone be so reckless?"
"Should've seen him right before he killed the horrible panther king," said the tall weasel in his scratchy voice. "Took out 19 of our own before he got shot. Then he came back and killed 5 more."
"Well, he did have the help of his lady accomplice," said the fat weasel as he slid a centurion-type bishop into place.
"What was she like? And how, exactly, did she die?"
"She was riddled to death with a Tommygun. She was a fine lad, a chipmunk, I think. She was very tall, and had a long blonde ponytail."
"I mean, what was her attitude? Was she nice? What made him miss her so much?"
"Well, I wouldn't say nice. In fact, she was sort of a dumb flake. She had a really bad attitude."
"Who are you calling a dumb flake?"
Berri stepped in, still wearing her Hell prison attire and standing proudly a head taller than Fluoresce and the fat weasel.
"Who's there?"
"Your little reaper like, let me come back again. And now I'm going to like, beat your ass."
1 Chapter 11: Bombs and Boats
"Master Weaselov, we have a situation here," said a weasel nervously as he glanced onto a scanner.
"Vat? Why? What is going on?"
"We've recorded what looks like… once of the largest fleets we'd ever seen heading toward our bas at what seems to be a steady 34 knots."
"But, ve haven't finished ze secret weapon! How will… no! General!"
"Yes, Master?"
"I want you to send a full two rows of Zephyr Mark II submarines to deal wit them. Meanwhile, I want ze Ostwind cannon to be perfected as soon as possible!"
"Alright. I'll call them into overtime."
"Good. I never suspected they would retaliate this quickly. I shall avenge my father's death, no? And with zees fleet gone, they vill have nothing to retaliate with, and we vill silently, then very loudly, rule all of ze Eastern continent."
He paused for a moment.
"You know vat? Send some C-35 heavy bombers in for good measure."
---
The massive fleet bobbed slowly up and down in the ocean, churning toward their destination, sonar's gently blaring to keep track of the fleeting signals that would lead to the massive installation. The troop landers hummed in peaceful contrast with the roaring of the battleship's motors and the carrier followed behind, turbines creating a high-pitched whine.
"How far out are we?" asked Rico, aboard the Cruiser Goodfellow.
"120 miles, approximately. We've got about 80 more to go, sir."
"Alright, good. This is going to be the biggest overseas operation there ever was in the squirrel's history."
"Well, I hate long waits. I just realized that I forgot to tell Fluoresce about my absence, but… I hope she's found out by now," said Conker sadly.
"Let's just not have a repeat of the first assault, boys."
"Ha! Let's see those murder holes take down this thing!"
"Yeah. Hey, come here a sec. I need to ask you something."
"What would that be?"
"Why did you come out here to fight again? I thought we agreed that war was a terrible thing."
"Well, yes, but… oh, c'mon now, you can't tell me you aren't the least bit excited."
"I'll admit to that, but after I… er… drafted you the first time, I figured you'd be in for a break, I mean come on. It's just three months later. Most traumas last decades.
"Trauma? Oh, sure… um, look. If I want to help the people of my country, you'd better just…"
"Okay, I understand. But you remember what happened to Berri. And by the way, you don't plan on fighting in the front line, like infantry again, do you?"
"Well, what other choices do I have?"
"I could commission you as a tank commander, or ship gunner, or… there are countless possibilities. As king, I feel it would be with utmost smartness that you chose something safe."
"Nah, I enjoy the feeling of the heat of battle."
"Well then I should probably squeeze you in with a squad. I think I'll assign you to group 36. Them are some of the battalion's elite veterans."
"Great. Where do I go?"
"Well, they get a special private barracks aboard this cruiser. Let me show you."
Just as Conker began following Rico, an urgent squirrel's voice was heard.
"We've got a group of bogies coming in at 2 O'clock!"
"Bogies? Waddya mean by that?"
"Submarines. 30 of them!"
"Oh, shit! What can we use against them?"
"We've got 6 depth charge launchers, four anti-sub torpedo tubes and maverick missile launchers. The Minister is armed with the same."
"Well, damnit, man them all! I'm not going to get sunk by those bitches any day!"
"Sir! Bombers coming in as well!"
"That's it! Signal for the Honeybunch to launch her fighter jets! We're gonna take the little bastards down!"
Suddenly, the deck of the ship came alive as people squabbled to get to their positions at the guns of the ship. Squirrels, weasels and chipmunks poured into their positions on all the other ships as well.
"Alright. You know what to do."
Shrieks filled the air as planes were preparing to take flight, but the bombers were already closing in. They halved, then divided threefold the distance between them and the massive fleet. Swooshing noises could be heard as they launched their air-to-ground missiles. Waves of warheads crashed over the Goodfellow, destroying weaponry and smashing into walls and points of the deck.
"No, This can't happen! Wait, I forgot!" yelled the Sarge.
"Forgot what?" asked Conker.
Then, as if to answer his question, the familiar thundering staccato of gunfire filled the air. In seconds, half the bombing raid collapsed, the other half split off to other directions.
"You brought those special guns?" asked Conker, relieved.
"Yep, I knew they could be of more use on things besides cruise missiles."
Though half the fleet was gone, one of the four destroyers had sustained fire too heavy to go on. Its deck was smashed open by bombs, and the control tower had taken serious damage and was leaning foreword.
Meanwhile, the fighters had fully taken off, and were pumping missiles into the bombers one by one. The bomber wave was crippled, and the last few remaining bombers headed desperately back to the Tediz base.
"Mayday! We're going down! We need assistance!" shouted the captain of the destroyer, which was sagging heavily to its port side. Frantic crew began boarding lifeboats and jumping off the deck.
But meanwhile, the new threat had reared it's head-the submarines were firing their missiles at long range, which traveled slowly enough the air toward the fleet. The thundering rounds of the cluster cannons sprayed over and over, exploding them moments before they hit the decks of the ships. At the same time, the cruisers were hurling depth charges into the sea, while the battleships and destroyers blaster into the water with their guns in an attempt to knock the submarines about underwater.
After about five more minutes, all of the submarines had either been destroyed or had retreated back to their base. The crew of all the remaining ships congratulated themselves as they gathered up the drowning crew of the destroyer. Once again, the enemy had been annihilated, and the fleet continued the prolonged journey to the Tediz base. All the while, the Sarge led Conker down to the SSD (special squad dormitory). They marched in, and soon, Conker was introduced to a small group of colorful characters.
"Right then, I'll see you when we land," said Rico, leaving.
"So then," Conker started, "Where have you guys fought? And, uh, as the king of all the land, I think I ought to know your specialties."
A tall weasel stared back and spoke up in his deep, scratchy voice.
"My name is Henry, and I've been in the war on the rogue weasels in the North-East, as well as serving 2 years as a bank guard for the Willow Woods Feral Reserve Bank. I was off duty the night it was successfully robbed and shot up by some horrible bastard duo. I might have been able to stop them, since I was quite literally, the best one there. I'm a sniper. I could shoot a Tediz ear off a wasp's back if I had to."
"Alright, then. How about you?" asked Conker, pointing toward a red squirrel in the back corner.
"I'm Rick, and I was one of the survivors of the first Tediz onslaught. I'm an engineer and a munitions expert. I can modify almost any stolen weapon or ammo to fit our counterpart. I can also disable and reprogram most moderately simple computer systems or locks."
"That sounds pretty useful. How about you?" he said, pointing to a large gray squirrel in front.
"I'm Brendan. Fought in the Wasp uprising of two years ago. I took a bullet in the back, two stings in the chest, and a bite by a giant larva to the right leg. I can also run 3 miles through knee-deep honey carrying a bazooka," he said, grinning.
"Wow. How about you?"
"I," a smaller gray squirrel said in a bit of a French accent, "survived-you won't believe it-a mansion full of zombies in an attempt to destroy a horrible vampire lord three months ago in my olf town of Frunce. I was chased, bitten and picked up by a hideous black bat that, no offense, looked a bit like you. I'm a pilot or driver of just about any vehicle, squirrel or Tediz. M name is Chamond."
"Okay. You people sound pretty talented. Well, I survived the first Tediz onslaught, escaped from Batula's mansion after briefly becoming a bat and dropping a few villagers in a grinder for him, committed the robbery of the Feral Reserve Bank and dethroned the Panther king."
"Uh-huh," said Rick, giving Conker a sly smirk.
---
"Ah, then, so we have failed to sink ze squirrel fleet. We have made an ass of ourselves. Is ze Ostwind cannon ready?"
"Not quite, sir. It needs proper mounting," replied a squirrel commander.
"Vell how close is ze squirrel fleet?"
"About 40 miles out, sir."
"Oh, shit! It looks like we might be facing an invasion after all. Damnit! Shit!"
"Should we prepare the island's defenses?"
"Vat is the use? Ve will never stave off a fleet that size. But I guess we have no choice. All right, I want all ze guns manned, all ze vehicles up and running, etc. We cannot be unprepared. And send extra crew to help mount ze fucking Ostwind cannon on time! NOW!"
---
2 Chapter 12: Catfights and the Ostwind Cannon
Fluoresce looked up at the tall, menacing figure cloaked in a drab, grayish, two-piece robe.
"So you're the little runt that he likes so much! Well, you're certainly not much to look at!"
"Who are you?"
"I'm Berri. And I'm pretty sure he's told you about me?"
"You mean his dead girlfriend? No, I'm pretty sure she wouldn't come back after being…"
"Your little reaper friend brought me back, you like, little fucking imbecile."
"Why must everyone swear so much around here?"
"Shut up. Get over here, now."
"Why? I can hear you plenty from where…"
"I know that! I'm gonna beat your ass!"
"Why do you have to keep saying that? And you don't… you don't mean… a fight, do you?"
"That's exactly what I mean."
Fluoresce walked nervously foreword to face Berri. She looked her over, studying her impressive height, her long, muscular legs and her angry blue eyes. She tried to hide her trembling, but it showed much to the fun of Berri.
"I don't want to do this," Fluoresce said quietly.
"Well too bad." She kicked Fluoresce hard across the face.
Fluoresce shrieked as she fell to her right, holding back the throbbing pain in her head. Berri walked over her and stood, and as Fluoresce got up, punched her in the stomach. Berri's arms weren't exceptionally well developed, but Fluoresce wasn't used to it. She began to cry. Berri jumped back and, just when she was about to unleash a flying kick, the thin weasel grabbed her from behind. She struggled to get out of his grasp, while the fat weasel smashed her on the head with a pot, knocking her out. The thin weasel then helped up Fluoresce, while his accomplice dragged away Berri's unconscious body, sighing.
"Well," said Fluoresce as she rubbed her red eyes, "now I see where he gets his attitude from. I can't imagine how he got together with someone like her in the first place."
"At least he'll be excited to know she's back," said the tall weasel.
---
"But more than anything, I certainly think that the best possible combination for close-quarter fighting would be a pair of barrel smoking MC5 subs," Conker said, pulling them out. "I spent just about all of my time fighting with these, and they never let me down for a second. Never even touched the standard-issue S16 assault rifle."
"Well, you made a smart decision, but I suggest, for long-range purposes, that you stick around with at least on of these," said Henry, brandishing his S16.
"Why? They're both fully automatic!"
"Yeah, but what if you're in need of precision? Like, for say, sniping? You don't want a small inaccurate weapon that sprays bullets like melon seeds."
"Then get a sniper rifle!"
"What I mean is, if you can only take 1 weapon with you, then for versatility's sake, you'd go with the S16. It can also mount a silencer and a small grenade launcher."
"I'd much rather go off with class," said Brendan. "I wouldn't get caught dead with that cheesy stick on the battlefield. I'd take what Conker has. Hell, gimme a freaking F-43 Roundabout Tommygun."
"You know, the S16 outperforms the F-43 in every way. It's even lighter."
"I don't care. I took out a room full of Wasps with one."
"Just wait until your head is splattered in by a Tediz AJ-47."
"Wow, I never knew some people were so serious about what they killed with," said Conker.
"Seriously, it's not about 'dignity'. It's about doing what you have to. And it's smarter to go in with the best you can find, not a 50-year- old mob machine gun," said Rick.
Brendan was about to reply, when the Sarge announced loudly on the intercom.
"We're now approximately a mile from the location of the Tediz base. Prepare for drop-off. All soldiers, repeat, prepare for drop-off. All landers prepare to disperse vehicles. All gunners into position. All… uh… fuck that shit. We is got a war to fight!"
"Alright, this is it, guys. Time to show them that we are the best of the best, right?" said Conker.
"Well, unless they're 50-foot monsters with bullet proof skin, I can handle 'em," said Brendan.
Conker breathed out nervously, knowing that he'd faced numerous such creatures months earlier.
---
"Oh, fuck! Oh, shit! How close are they?" screamed Jenkins at his underlings.
"500 meters, sir," he replied.
"Oh, no! Is ze Ostwind gun ready?"
"We've just mounted it, sir! It's still charging."
"Good. As soon as it charges, you have my order to fire immediately on their landers!"
"Yes, sir. Charging commencing now.
---
"Hey look!" said Conker. "I can see the imprint of the base in the water!"
He paused.
"This just occurred to me. How are we supposed to land if we can't see it?"
Then, on perfect cue, right before their eyes, a tremendous island shimmered into view. It was surrounded by beach, typically, although there were several tunnels that extended out directly into the water, which presumably acted as ports. Behind the beached layer, there was a thick layer of jungle canopy, though the occasional murder hole/turret emplacement stuck out, and there were literally hundreds already inside. Dirt paths and poorly paved roads led deeper still, so deep that eventually they could not be seen. The center of the island was what looked like a huge dirt mound with patches of cold steel showing through. Altogether, it was a wonderful sight, and it was about 20 miles in diameter.
"Wow… that's, well, pretty," said Chamond.
"We are now preparing now to dock! We are … wait… holy crap!" yelled the Sarge.
A small dot of light appeared above the magnificent island. The flash brightened, and suddenly, a lightning-fast beam erupted from the top. In almost an instant, a second destroyer was incinerated.
"What the FUCK! All right, full ahead! I want you to land on the western beach!"
The ships slowly swerved to the right, going from single file to two straight rows.
"What was that?" asked Conker, in a frightened, squeaky voice.
"I don't know, but I'm about to piss my pants," said Rick.
"They'd better just hurry up, if I die, I want it to be a timely, dramatic death-not with thousands on a huge ship, where no one will recognize me," said Henry.
The blinding light flashed again, striking the cruiser right next to them, the Minister. As it exploded outward, the Goodfellow was showered with burning bits and debris. The ship rattled and shook from the impact. Conker gulped as the burning skeleton of the structure folded and sank into the ocean.
"I have a feeling this guy really knows what he's doing," he said.
---
A weasel braced the controls of the massive gun tightly. It was a superweapon, designed to be the certain bane of any invasion attempt. Firing a blast of extremely high energy, in incinerated whatever it hit, and the weapon itself was on such a large scale-requiring 3 separate fusion engines for a firing rate of 1 shot per minute-that it could take out the largest of ships.
But great power came with a cost-it took months and millions of dollars to build, and it was due to this that they weren't able to assemble it until it was too late-the enemy fleet had already closed in on their location. And although the weasel had already melted two enemy ships, they were now too far left for the gun to traverse, out of range. Too bad. The gun had an effective of 60 miles, and, had it been built quicker, it could have melted so much more.
"Oh, crap, they're out of range," said the weasel.
"So what are we gonna tell Jenkins?" Replied another.
"We're gonna let the Tediz take care of our problems."
"Yep, those little buggers are certainly expandable. But how are you so certain that they will succeed? You remember that one squirrel, the one that became king… he killed over 110 single-handedly.
"They're improved from the older ones, you realize. They have flameproof skin, and protective cast-steel helmets to block head shots. They also have a new "fire-before-stab" attitude, so they don't charge foolishly at an armed opponent with their bayonets."
"I hope you're right. Let's just watch their little bout."
Hundreds of floors below, the Tediz were rushing to their posts, manning machine guns and filling murder holes. Some boarded tanks, which were state-of-the-art of the time. The first was the Class-22, which was originally a captured Class-17 medium tank. It had seen minor radar and suspension upgrades, and was a solid tank with a low-velocity 105mm anti- tank gun. It was also fast and maneuverable, and it had decent protection. Thick armor and reinforced superstructure meant it could withstand at least one shot from a similar gun to any point on its body and not be destroyed. It could also take several direct hits from a T-300 Tediz bazooka, and was virtually invulnerable to most small explosives.
The Tdz-18 heavy tank was the prime heavy tank of the Tediz. It was roughly the same height, but longer and much wider. Its thick armor made it almost invulnerable to the squirrel's anti-armor weapons, and it's high- velocity 120mm gun gave it tremendous range and striking power. It could cripple a squirrel class-19 with a single shot, and do the same to a class- 16 heavy, assuming it didn't hit the frontal armor. It had a 20mm cannon mounted coaxial to the main gun in the turret, and a machine gun and mounted bazooka in the top part of the turret, which could both be pulled out if necessary
"Alright, you know the drill," yelled a weasel Sergeant to a platoon of Tediz and Weasels. "Let's move, move, move! Tediz, out the window! Weasels, into the woods! I want you all mobilized to take out this threat. Jenkins is depending on it."
---
"Attention, squirrels, we are ashore! Repeat, we are ashore!" Barked the Sarge into the intercom. "I want the Battleship Iron Claw and the two remaining destroyers to shoal around to the beach bout a mile down from here. I also want a vehicle lander and 15 troop landers to go with them. You are to destroy any enemy activity! The rest of us, unload here."
Helmet donned, Conker grabbed up his rifle and a single MC-5 submachine gun. He remembered his first horrific assault on a Tediz beach, but this time, they had Armored personnel carriers. These carriers were aboard the vehicle landers, and to get to them safely, they had to connect the two ships via a transport tube. He felt lucky to be aboard a cruiser rather than an unstable, cold, foul-smelling troop lander.
"Ready?" Asked Rick, who grabbed his duffel bag of supplies and headed on out.
"Well, I sure as Hell am not getting any readier," he replied as he walked down the long corridors of the cruiser to the vehicle bay. When he got there, the air immediately stank of fuel and oil. He followed his colorful comrades into an APC, and Henry started it up with a rumble. They slowly backed out of their squeezed parking spot, other Armored Carriers following, and slid down the ramp onto the beach. They saw other, much more flimsy-looking APCs pouring out of the vehicle landers. They housed the foot soldiers, almost all of whom were gray squirrels, and certainly many of which would die.
Suddenly, the empty murder holes above lit up, spraying the APCs, tanks and other vehicles with bullets. But almost as quickly as they started, the artillery of the squirrel's force fired round upon round at the attackers, heavy mortars blasting the fortifications to pieces. Soon the murder holes were devoid of threat, and they were rolling up the beach, only to be stopped by the tank-blockers that littered the beach.
"Oh, crap. How do we make it through?" said Conker.
"You're about to see," said Chamond. As he spoke, the battleships guns were slowly turning to the beach. A thunder arose, as it's powerful rounds slammed into the beach, digging up and tossing aside the tank-blockers. As the APCs slid foreword triumphantly, however, a sudden burst of shells rained upon them from the jungles to the side.
"Oh, Hell! We've got enemy tank movement in the surrounding woods! Fire upon them right now!"
Soon, the night sky was lit up by the pounding of guns from the Pride and Goodfellow, and the artillery howitzers along the beach. Armor piercing shells whizzed through the air, crashing into and destroying APC full of soldiers, knocking out tanks and disabling artillery. A loud "thud" sounded as a shell blasted open the wall of Conker's APC, letting in the cool night air and opening up the sounds of gunfire.
"Okay, guys, I think we'd better go!" Yelled Conker as the tinkle of machine gun fire reverberated inside the vehicle.
"Yeah, I think we should head into the jungle," said Chamond.
"Hold on," said Brendan, pointing to dark shaped pouring out of the trees above. He pulled out his bazooka, fired it with a "poof", and headed off with the others. As the guns were beginning to fall silent, the squirrel battalion had held its position long enough to disperse the rest of its troops into the surrounding jungle.
3 Chapter 13: The Beginning of the End
"I still can't believe he chose me over you," said Berri, icing her forehead.
"He didn't 'choose' me. He thought you are dead," said Fluoresce.
"Yeah, well, he could have done better."
"Why must you be so rude?"
"Why shouldn't I be?"
"Settle down," said the fat weasel. "I'm trying to access the Central News System." He twisted and turned the radio until a scratchy voice was audible.
"We interrupt this broadcast to give you late breaking news of the invasion. The fleet has landed successfully, but only after a mysterious force vaporized two of the ships. One of them, the cruiser Minister, had aboard half of the special tactics squad brought on the mission.
"Oh, no! That might have been Conker!" Shrieked Fluoresce.
"All of the vehicles have landed safely, and tank defenses and a small brigade of enemy armor were destroyed by support from the nearby battleship Iron Claw. The soldiers are now flaying into the woods, and are searching for a way to infiltrate while the two armored companies are holding the ground and firing directly upon the Tediz base."
"Well, it looks like they were doing okay," said Berri. "Let me out there, I'd show those freaks who's boss. Honestly, they're Tedi bears!"
"Well yeah, but they've mastered every form of combat," said Fluoresce.
"They still look pretty pathetic," said Berri.
---
"Okay, boys, good work," said the Sarge as the Battleship Pride helped the 2nd battalion to flush out and destroy hidden Tediz artillery. "Now I want squads 41-60 to go to search in the jungle to the east. Squads 61-80, you come with me to the west, so we may meet back up with the first battalion. And keep on the lookout for any infiltration possibilities! Let's move!"
The Sarge marched into the jungle with his squad following behind. They were inexperienced new recruits, three of which were gray squirrels, and one weasel. Rico didn't like working with new recruits. He hated to see them get injured, die, and he exceptionally hated the fact that this would be their first experience in the field, where they would most likely suffer mental trauma afterwards and be changed forever. He had seen this happen many times, and he wished he could have stayed with Conker to help the special squads. But no, the fresh-faced soldiers needed one strong leader in each platoon, and Rodent was managing the other.
"All right, get down low and huddle quickly," he directed them. They complied, and soon, they were shooting past scrubs and ducking under branches. Sarge popped his head, out, and there, out in a small clearing, he saw four weasels chatting. They were special close-quarters squads, Rico could see clearly as they bore a bulletproof vest, steel helmet and shotgun rather than a rifle.
"SSSHHH! Get down." The soldiers stopped abruptly and crouched.
"I'm so sure you would rather be out here doing guerilla warfare anyway," said one weasel.
"Yes, it beats searching for red squirrels to please that bloody Panther King. I'm glad he's dead."
"Aim for the head! Okey, in three, two, one, now!" whispered the Sarge. The soldiers popped up, then quickly pointed their rifles at the weasels.
"What the," the first one said, but it was too late-the squirrels fired several three-round bursts, aiming directly into their faces. The weasel's heads pulped, and the first 5 dropped to the ground, dead. One of them tried to escape, but Rico pulled out his .44 Stallion magnum and shot him in the back. The powerful bullet went right through his vest and into his spine, killing him.
"Good work, boys. Now, let's keep searching. Let's look around this dirt wall, there has to be a way in." Just as he said that, ropes dropped onto the ground near them. Rico looked up to see four weasels sliding down, shotguns toted in their belt hooks.
"Look out, get them!" He screamed. They aimed their rifles up and sprayed the weasel's legs with bullet fire. 3 of them fell, while the Sarge shot one with the magnum in the bottom of the chin, killing him instantly.
"Regroup," one of them shouted. They backed into each other, them fired their shotguns, just as the squirrels ducked. The fatal phalanx of shotgun shells tore into the plants above their heads. Before they could reload, the squirrels pulled back out and drilled the weasels to their deaths.
"Great job with those troops. Now we just have to get inside. Give me your rope gun," he asked a soldier. Rico fired it above the window, where it stuck firmly, then retracted, pulling him up with it. Once at the top, he rested on the sill, then pulled out his walkie-talkie and ordered everyone else to do the same. Passing down the rope gun, he was glad he'd given one to each group. One by one, the squirrels hoisted themselves up, and into the Tediz base for the first major infiltration.
---
Waves of wartime nostalgia swept over Conker as he passed through jungle patch to jungle patch, staying in cover with his comrades. Every patch he would inspect, every inch of wall he would search out for a door marking… but his squad found nothing. As he came to a large clearing of sandy beach, he heard a fast clinking sound. His heart almost stopped as he remembered the spider-like mines that popped out of the ground in the first base, but it was coming from very far away, and he heard no whine of the proximity sensor.
"Quiet! Get down," he instructed his group. They ducked behind a nearby rock.
"What is it?" Rick whispered.
"I hear it too," said Brandon.
The sound grew louder now. It was definitely coming closer. Conker peeked out from the side. He saw two fat, dark shapes heading toward him. As they stepped into the clearing, the rapid clanking became a "thus, thus- thus-thus-thus-thus-thus" as they lurched foreword. One of them passed a light on the wall, and for a second, he could see clearly a very odd sight- it looked like the frenzy of robotic spider legs on the mines he used to encounter, but on top, there was a fat, bulky upper body. Upon it was the sinister and painfully familiar face of a Tediz, and it was wearing a shiny, silver helmet. For a second, he thought it was one of the giant experiments he'd encountered months before, but it was only a head taller, about 6'2. He saw that like the experiment, one of the arms was a metal claw, and the other was harmlessly stuffed-but unlike the experiment, it had no host or "puppet on it. Below them were two thin metallic arms, each toting what looked like an assault rifle or a heavy machine gun.
Conker heard a shot fire aside him, and turned to face Henry, who was firing sniper bullets into their skulls. The Tediz seemed unharmed. Unharmed, that is, until Brendan fired his bazooka. Bits of fluff flew everywhere and the Tediz creature stopped, its fluff arm and most of its body gone. But it kept coming, until Rick threw a grenade into its fluffy side. It stuck, and they ducked behind the boulder again. The explosion ripped through the air, but it was followed by another-which resulted in the rock being smashed to pieces. Dust cleared to show the second devilish monster toting two bazookas where the guns where. Conker frowned. Just like the giant experiment, this breed of Tedi had interchangeable weapons. Brendan fired again, blowing off its bottom half and most of its legs, as well as knocking its helmet off. This took its aim off, so its shots blasted the dirt, blowing them back several feet. It switched back to machine guns and fired, tearing into Brendan's stomach and upper torso and knocking him to the earth. Chamond pulled out his revolver and fired three shots into its exposed head, taking it down for good.
"Brendan! Are you okay?" exclaimed Henry, lifting Brendan's head and torso.
"Yeah, speak to us, old buddy!" said Rick.
But Brendan only fell limply onto the ground out of Henry's grasp, not even sputtering or shifting. He was stone dead, as bullets had torn into his spine, heart and lungs. Conker knew, at this point on, that they would be facing some very horrible troubles on this viscous high horse they had mounted. He looked back at the Tedi corpse. It sat there, looking blankly at him with its dark, lifeless eyes.
"Well, he was the strongest and bravest of us five. He suffered immensely, took bullets and wounds before, and now his life as a soldier has been abruptly cut short by a few more wounds than he could take," said Henry. "If, maybe we'd shot its limbs off, or its weapons got jammed, just maybe…"
"Alright, that's enough, we have to proceed. Forget about him for a second- remembrance will only be a weakness," said Rick. Right as he finished, gunfire cut through the air. The remaining four cadets jumped behind a tree, Chamond grabbing the bazooka. Peeking out, muzzle flares could be seen in the trees ahead. Chamond fired into the trees, and a steaming dark object pop out. Conker heard muffled, Germanic-sounding swears. These were the Tediz, tried and true, and slightly refurbished from their premier state. Conker pumped rounds at it on the ground, while Henry shot the second one out of the tree with his sniper rifle. As it fell to the ground wounded, Conker alternated between pouring lead into the two in a gory overkill, until they were unrecognizable. As he stood there, his guns smoking, thunder rolled over and it began to rain. Cool wind soothed his rage and made his fur stand on end.
"Relax. These things happen. Besides, I remember packing him a tail," said Rick reassuringly. "If the reaper's anything like mine, he'll bring him back sometime."
It was going to be a long night.
---
Static hissed on the radio as the fat weasel toggled with the reception.
"Come on, 'tis this blasted radio, sodding storm," he said. Finally, the network's five-chime melody sounded through the blizzard.
"We give you more news on the invasion, which has, so far, been quite a success. Beach defenses appear to be minimal, and according to reports from Sergeant Fritz Rico, two infiltration points have already been established. One from him, working with several standard infantry divisions, and another from general Rodent, with the help of several squirrel demolitions experts to blast down one of the outer walls. Still no word from King Conker, although with his past experience and his special squad, we're sure he'll be quite all right. If things keep up as expected, the base should fall in approximately two to three days. I'm Franky Blue, reporting from the S.S.S. Honeybunch."
"Like, what kind of a gay name for a warship is the Honeybunch?" asked Berri.
"I don't know, but I hope that they're right about Conker," said Fluoresce.
"Relax, he said the Tediz were pretty easy to deal with."
"Yeah, but the way he described that professor nut, I'm pretty sure he made them better."
Over the hours they had waited in the castle, Fluoresce and Berri had grown steadily less hateful around each other. They chatted, played chess and Fluoresce introduced Berri to some friends. They were very shocked at her tall, voluptuous figure, her rather rude attitude and her strong language, but this secretly amused them as much, if not more, than it did worry them.
"Well, it's about 2:00 AM, I think I'll be going off to bed," said Fluoresce. She stepped up to the guest bedrooms, and Berri stood there, not at all tired, but desperately missing the exciting world outside of her little cell in Hell. She walked down to the main hall, which was dark and a bit quiet. She knew that the gaurds would not want her up this late, as she would certainly be mistaken for a thief and be questioned. Much as she was annoyed by the proper little Fluoresce, she didn't want to have to wake her to prove her innocence. She was a heavy, strong weasel guard shining a flashlight down the corridor. She quickly stepped behind a stone pedestal, landing with a "thump". She winced, as she had forgotten her ninja training and how she should have landed soundlessly.
"What? All bloody right, who's there?" he said in a deep, husky voice. He strode over to the spot where Berri was. As he got closer, Berri crouched down, preparing to jump. The guard looked behind Berri's pedestal, and Berri jumped right over it onto the other side. The guard, confused, walked around it. Berri tracked his gaze and followed around the other side until she faced the door, where she made a break for it. He turned her way and squinted into the darkness, then aimed his flashlight in her direction. He caught the glimpse of fleeting leg, dismissed it for an illusion, then walked off, minding his own business.
"Sucker," she whispered to herself. She decided to do what she hadn't done in months: fill herself at the Cock and Plucker.
Chapter 10: Berri's resurrection?
In a small, dark room, a short, hooded figure goes over a list, whistling to himself.
"He's making a list, checking it twice. Gonna find out who to slice and dice. Oh, heck. Cut them both, they don't have any tails anyway…"
He walked out of his office, which was decorated with skulls of various creatures and eerie blue candles. He is a denizen of the underworld, and one of the many gatekeepers who moderates just who goes to Hell and who doesn't. Basically playing the role of a poor man's Saint Peter, he hates his job, as well as the repetitiveness of keeping track of the species with the greatest number of/most easily-acquired lives: squirrels, cats and wasps. He also scorns the undead, since they mock an opportunity to take in an extra soul and collect his meager pay.
As he walked down the long, dark hallways, he came to a room that echoed with loud techno music. It read "Judgement #44763/self- deserved/bullet/tommygun/mobdon", and there was a little green tag to indicate that it was caused by intentional murder.
He opened the door, and inside, doing rather revealing stretches, was a tall, lithe, gray chipmunk by the name of Berri. She has considered pretty by most, though she had a very saucy demeanor, and a haplessly flaky attitude. Berri was Conker's fiancée before the panther king had been dethroned. In a nightly raid on the Willow Woods Feral Reserve Bank, which took place barely an hour after the destruction of the first Tediz base. The raid had gone well, until Don Weaselo, the very Don that came to chancellor Ugga Mountain, was called upon to tear her to pieces with a stream of bullets from his powerful tommygun.
"Like, hello? It had better not be that little reaper again."
"You bet your arse it is, you rude little prick."
"Who do you have the right to call little?"
"Alright, shut up for a second. I'm here to give you an offer I was probably not supposed to give you."
"And what would that be?"
"Well, Conker the squirrel, as you may remember, was your fiancée. But you probably don't know just what happened to him after your little incident. You see, he became king."
"You're kidding! Are the panther creep and fat weasel bitch gone too?"
"I believe I've already said too much. But I can tell you this much more. He's found someone else in his saddened wake. Yes, he still misses and mourns you very much. But I've not got to the point just yet."
"What? Someone else? That little… first he sets me up, then he lies to me, then he makes me dodge bullets from gun-toting morons, and now I'm being two-timed? That little, snotty, ugly…"
"Well, he does think you're dead! And if you'll stop blithering for a second, I can arrange for your resurrection!"
"Resurrection? You're letting me live again? But… why? I thought I hadn't met the standards!"
"Well, it will not only bolster our shaky friendship, but he may put me in a higher, better-paying position under his leadership."
"Alright. Like, what the hell do I do?"
"Follow me up to the introductory level."
They headed on over to a towering spiral of stairs, each floor leading to several doors placed adjacently to one another. As they came to a final, heavily decorated door at the top, it slowly swung open.
"Like, can't we get an elevator here?"
"SHHH. Follow me."
They made their way over to a table with what looked like résumé's stacked up in neat piles. Gregg shuffled through them until he came to 44763. He took it in hand, and pulled a little white bottle out of his pocket, labeled White Block. He opened it, and dabbed some white fluid over the bright red "failed" stamp on the back. He then opened a drawer, took out a "cleared" stamp, and whapped it down in place.
"That's all you have to do?" said Berri, relieved.
"Yep. Well, not quite." He raised his hand, then it disappeared. Suddenly, a huge, skeletal hand came down from the sky and grabbed Berri by the scruff of the neck.
"What the." It lifted her into the air.
"I suppose you want me to send you somewhere nice? Like, maybe, the castle?"
"Yeah, that would work fine," she uttered as she was pulled upward into the dark abyss.
---
Fluoresce slid the Panther pawn across the chessboard, capturing the fat weasel's Squirrel pawn on the other side. It was an old set, and it was made back when the squirrels and panthers were enemies, fighting with medieval weapons like swords and such.
"I can't believe he left like that, not even telling me. How could someone be so reckless?"
"Should've seen him right before he killed the horrible panther king," said the tall weasel in his scratchy voice. "Took out 19 of our own before he got shot. Then he came back and killed 5 more."
"Well, he did have the help of his lady accomplice," said the fat weasel as he slid a centurion-type bishop into place.
"What was she like? And how, exactly, did she die?"
"She was riddled to death with a Tommygun. She was a fine lad, a chipmunk, I think. She was very tall, and had a long blonde ponytail."
"I mean, what was her attitude? Was she nice? What made him miss her so much?"
"Well, I wouldn't say nice. In fact, she was sort of a dumb flake. She had a really bad attitude."
"Who are you calling a dumb flake?"
Berri stepped in, still wearing her Hell prison attire and standing proudly a head taller than Fluoresce and the fat weasel.
"Who's there?"
"Your little reaper like, let me come back again. And now I'm going to like, beat your ass."
1 Chapter 11: Bombs and Boats
"Master Weaselov, we have a situation here," said a weasel nervously as he glanced onto a scanner.
"Vat? Why? What is going on?"
"We've recorded what looks like… once of the largest fleets we'd ever seen heading toward our bas at what seems to be a steady 34 knots."
"But, ve haven't finished ze secret weapon! How will… no! General!"
"Yes, Master?"
"I want you to send a full two rows of Zephyr Mark II submarines to deal wit them. Meanwhile, I want ze Ostwind cannon to be perfected as soon as possible!"
"Alright. I'll call them into overtime."
"Good. I never suspected they would retaliate this quickly. I shall avenge my father's death, no? And with zees fleet gone, they vill have nothing to retaliate with, and we vill silently, then very loudly, rule all of ze Eastern continent."
He paused for a moment.
"You know vat? Send some C-35 heavy bombers in for good measure."
---
The massive fleet bobbed slowly up and down in the ocean, churning toward their destination, sonar's gently blaring to keep track of the fleeting signals that would lead to the massive installation. The troop landers hummed in peaceful contrast with the roaring of the battleship's motors and the carrier followed behind, turbines creating a high-pitched whine.
"How far out are we?" asked Rico, aboard the Cruiser Goodfellow.
"120 miles, approximately. We've got about 80 more to go, sir."
"Alright, good. This is going to be the biggest overseas operation there ever was in the squirrel's history."
"Well, I hate long waits. I just realized that I forgot to tell Fluoresce about my absence, but… I hope she's found out by now," said Conker sadly.
"Let's just not have a repeat of the first assault, boys."
"Ha! Let's see those murder holes take down this thing!"
"Yeah. Hey, come here a sec. I need to ask you something."
"What would that be?"
"Why did you come out here to fight again? I thought we agreed that war was a terrible thing."
"Well, yes, but… oh, c'mon now, you can't tell me you aren't the least bit excited."
"I'll admit to that, but after I… er… drafted you the first time, I figured you'd be in for a break, I mean come on. It's just three months later. Most traumas last decades.
"Trauma? Oh, sure… um, look. If I want to help the people of my country, you'd better just…"
"Okay, I understand. But you remember what happened to Berri. And by the way, you don't plan on fighting in the front line, like infantry again, do you?"
"Well, what other choices do I have?"
"I could commission you as a tank commander, or ship gunner, or… there are countless possibilities. As king, I feel it would be with utmost smartness that you chose something safe."
"Nah, I enjoy the feeling of the heat of battle."
"Well then I should probably squeeze you in with a squad. I think I'll assign you to group 36. Them are some of the battalion's elite veterans."
"Great. Where do I go?"
"Well, they get a special private barracks aboard this cruiser. Let me show you."
Just as Conker began following Rico, an urgent squirrel's voice was heard.
"We've got a group of bogies coming in at 2 O'clock!"
"Bogies? Waddya mean by that?"
"Submarines. 30 of them!"
"Oh, shit! What can we use against them?"
"We've got 6 depth charge launchers, four anti-sub torpedo tubes and maverick missile launchers. The Minister is armed with the same."
"Well, damnit, man them all! I'm not going to get sunk by those bitches any day!"
"Sir! Bombers coming in as well!"
"That's it! Signal for the Honeybunch to launch her fighter jets! We're gonna take the little bastards down!"
Suddenly, the deck of the ship came alive as people squabbled to get to their positions at the guns of the ship. Squirrels, weasels and chipmunks poured into their positions on all the other ships as well.
"Alright. You know what to do."
Shrieks filled the air as planes were preparing to take flight, but the bombers were already closing in. They halved, then divided threefold the distance between them and the massive fleet. Swooshing noises could be heard as they launched their air-to-ground missiles. Waves of warheads crashed over the Goodfellow, destroying weaponry and smashing into walls and points of the deck.
"No, This can't happen! Wait, I forgot!" yelled the Sarge.
"Forgot what?" asked Conker.
Then, as if to answer his question, the familiar thundering staccato of gunfire filled the air. In seconds, half the bombing raid collapsed, the other half split off to other directions.
"You brought those special guns?" asked Conker, relieved.
"Yep, I knew they could be of more use on things besides cruise missiles."
Though half the fleet was gone, one of the four destroyers had sustained fire too heavy to go on. Its deck was smashed open by bombs, and the control tower had taken serious damage and was leaning foreword.
Meanwhile, the fighters had fully taken off, and were pumping missiles into the bombers one by one. The bomber wave was crippled, and the last few remaining bombers headed desperately back to the Tediz base.
"Mayday! We're going down! We need assistance!" shouted the captain of the destroyer, which was sagging heavily to its port side. Frantic crew began boarding lifeboats and jumping off the deck.
But meanwhile, the new threat had reared it's head-the submarines were firing their missiles at long range, which traveled slowly enough the air toward the fleet. The thundering rounds of the cluster cannons sprayed over and over, exploding them moments before they hit the decks of the ships. At the same time, the cruisers were hurling depth charges into the sea, while the battleships and destroyers blaster into the water with their guns in an attempt to knock the submarines about underwater.
After about five more minutes, all of the submarines had either been destroyed or had retreated back to their base. The crew of all the remaining ships congratulated themselves as they gathered up the drowning crew of the destroyer. Once again, the enemy had been annihilated, and the fleet continued the prolonged journey to the Tediz base. All the while, the Sarge led Conker down to the SSD (special squad dormitory). They marched in, and soon, Conker was introduced to a small group of colorful characters.
"Right then, I'll see you when we land," said Rico, leaving.
"So then," Conker started, "Where have you guys fought? And, uh, as the king of all the land, I think I ought to know your specialties."
A tall weasel stared back and spoke up in his deep, scratchy voice.
"My name is Henry, and I've been in the war on the rogue weasels in the North-East, as well as serving 2 years as a bank guard for the Willow Woods Feral Reserve Bank. I was off duty the night it was successfully robbed and shot up by some horrible bastard duo. I might have been able to stop them, since I was quite literally, the best one there. I'm a sniper. I could shoot a Tediz ear off a wasp's back if I had to."
"Alright, then. How about you?" asked Conker, pointing toward a red squirrel in the back corner.
"I'm Rick, and I was one of the survivors of the first Tediz onslaught. I'm an engineer and a munitions expert. I can modify almost any stolen weapon or ammo to fit our counterpart. I can also disable and reprogram most moderately simple computer systems or locks."
"That sounds pretty useful. How about you?" he said, pointing to a large gray squirrel in front.
"I'm Brendan. Fought in the Wasp uprising of two years ago. I took a bullet in the back, two stings in the chest, and a bite by a giant larva to the right leg. I can also run 3 miles through knee-deep honey carrying a bazooka," he said, grinning.
"Wow. How about you?"
"I," a smaller gray squirrel said in a bit of a French accent, "survived-you won't believe it-a mansion full of zombies in an attempt to destroy a horrible vampire lord three months ago in my olf town of Frunce. I was chased, bitten and picked up by a hideous black bat that, no offense, looked a bit like you. I'm a pilot or driver of just about any vehicle, squirrel or Tediz. M name is Chamond."
"Okay. You people sound pretty talented. Well, I survived the first Tediz onslaught, escaped from Batula's mansion after briefly becoming a bat and dropping a few villagers in a grinder for him, committed the robbery of the Feral Reserve Bank and dethroned the Panther king."
"Uh-huh," said Rick, giving Conker a sly smirk.
---
"Ah, then, so we have failed to sink ze squirrel fleet. We have made an ass of ourselves. Is ze Ostwind cannon ready?"
"Not quite, sir. It needs proper mounting," replied a squirrel commander.
"Vell how close is ze squirrel fleet?"
"About 40 miles out, sir."
"Oh, shit! It looks like we might be facing an invasion after all. Damnit! Shit!"
"Should we prepare the island's defenses?"
"Vat is the use? Ve will never stave off a fleet that size. But I guess we have no choice. All right, I want all ze guns manned, all ze vehicles up and running, etc. We cannot be unprepared. And send extra crew to help mount ze fucking Ostwind cannon on time! NOW!"
---
2 Chapter 12: Catfights and the Ostwind Cannon
Fluoresce looked up at the tall, menacing figure cloaked in a drab, grayish, two-piece robe.
"So you're the little runt that he likes so much! Well, you're certainly not much to look at!"
"Who are you?"
"I'm Berri. And I'm pretty sure he's told you about me?"
"You mean his dead girlfriend? No, I'm pretty sure she wouldn't come back after being…"
"Your little reaper friend brought me back, you like, little fucking imbecile."
"Why must everyone swear so much around here?"
"Shut up. Get over here, now."
"Why? I can hear you plenty from where…"
"I know that! I'm gonna beat your ass!"
"Why do you have to keep saying that? And you don't… you don't mean… a fight, do you?"
"That's exactly what I mean."
Fluoresce walked nervously foreword to face Berri. She looked her over, studying her impressive height, her long, muscular legs and her angry blue eyes. She tried to hide her trembling, but it showed much to the fun of Berri.
"I don't want to do this," Fluoresce said quietly.
"Well too bad." She kicked Fluoresce hard across the face.
Fluoresce shrieked as she fell to her right, holding back the throbbing pain in her head. Berri walked over her and stood, and as Fluoresce got up, punched her in the stomach. Berri's arms weren't exceptionally well developed, but Fluoresce wasn't used to it. She began to cry. Berri jumped back and, just when she was about to unleash a flying kick, the thin weasel grabbed her from behind. She struggled to get out of his grasp, while the fat weasel smashed her on the head with a pot, knocking her out. The thin weasel then helped up Fluoresce, while his accomplice dragged away Berri's unconscious body, sighing.
"Well," said Fluoresce as she rubbed her red eyes, "now I see where he gets his attitude from. I can't imagine how he got together with someone like her in the first place."
"At least he'll be excited to know she's back," said the tall weasel.
---
"But more than anything, I certainly think that the best possible combination for close-quarter fighting would be a pair of barrel smoking MC5 subs," Conker said, pulling them out. "I spent just about all of my time fighting with these, and they never let me down for a second. Never even touched the standard-issue S16 assault rifle."
"Well, you made a smart decision, but I suggest, for long-range purposes, that you stick around with at least on of these," said Henry, brandishing his S16.
"Why? They're both fully automatic!"
"Yeah, but what if you're in need of precision? Like, for say, sniping? You don't want a small inaccurate weapon that sprays bullets like melon seeds."
"Then get a sniper rifle!"
"What I mean is, if you can only take 1 weapon with you, then for versatility's sake, you'd go with the S16. It can also mount a silencer and a small grenade launcher."
"I'd much rather go off with class," said Brendan. "I wouldn't get caught dead with that cheesy stick on the battlefield. I'd take what Conker has. Hell, gimme a freaking F-43 Roundabout Tommygun."
"You know, the S16 outperforms the F-43 in every way. It's even lighter."
"I don't care. I took out a room full of Wasps with one."
"Just wait until your head is splattered in by a Tediz AJ-47."
"Wow, I never knew some people were so serious about what they killed with," said Conker.
"Seriously, it's not about 'dignity'. It's about doing what you have to. And it's smarter to go in with the best you can find, not a 50-year- old mob machine gun," said Rick.
Brendan was about to reply, when the Sarge announced loudly on the intercom.
"We're now approximately a mile from the location of the Tediz base. Prepare for drop-off. All soldiers, repeat, prepare for drop-off. All landers prepare to disperse vehicles. All gunners into position. All… uh… fuck that shit. We is got a war to fight!"
"Alright, this is it, guys. Time to show them that we are the best of the best, right?" said Conker.
"Well, unless they're 50-foot monsters with bullet proof skin, I can handle 'em," said Brendan.
Conker breathed out nervously, knowing that he'd faced numerous such creatures months earlier.
---
"Oh, fuck! Oh, shit! How close are they?" screamed Jenkins at his underlings.
"500 meters, sir," he replied.
"Oh, no! Is ze Ostwind gun ready?"
"We've just mounted it, sir! It's still charging."
"Good. As soon as it charges, you have my order to fire immediately on their landers!"
"Yes, sir. Charging commencing now.
---
"Hey look!" said Conker. "I can see the imprint of the base in the water!"
He paused.
"This just occurred to me. How are we supposed to land if we can't see it?"
Then, on perfect cue, right before their eyes, a tremendous island shimmered into view. It was surrounded by beach, typically, although there were several tunnels that extended out directly into the water, which presumably acted as ports. Behind the beached layer, there was a thick layer of jungle canopy, though the occasional murder hole/turret emplacement stuck out, and there were literally hundreds already inside. Dirt paths and poorly paved roads led deeper still, so deep that eventually they could not be seen. The center of the island was what looked like a huge dirt mound with patches of cold steel showing through. Altogether, it was a wonderful sight, and it was about 20 miles in diameter.
"Wow… that's, well, pretty," said Chamond.
"We are now preparing now to dock! We are … wait… holy crap!" yelled the Sarge.
A small dot of light appeared above the magnificent island. The flash brightened, and suddenly, a lightning-fast beam erupted from the top. In almost an instant, a second destroyer was incinerated.
"What the FUCK! All right, full ahead! I want you to land on the western beach!"
The ships slowly swerved to the right, going from single file to two straight rows.
"What was that?" asked Conker, in a frightened, squeaky voice.
"I don't know, but I'm about to piss my pants," said Rick.
"They'd better just hurry up, if I die, I want it to be a timely, dramatic death-not with thousands on a huge ship, where no one will recognize me," said Henry.
The blinding light flashed again, striking the cruiser right next to them, the Minister. As it exploded outward, the Goodfellow was showered with burning bits and debris. The ship rattled and shook from the impact. Conker gulped as the burning skeleton of the structure folded and sank into the ocean.
"I have a feeling this guy really knows what he's doing," he said.
---
A weasel braced the controls of the massive gun tightly. It was a superweapon, designed to be the certain bane of any invasion attempt. Firing a blast of extremely high energy, in incinerated whatever it hit, and the weapon itself was on such a large scale-requiring 3 separate fusion engines for a firing rate of 1 shot per minute-that it could take out the largest of ships.
But great power came with a cost-it took months and millions of dollars to build, and it was due to this that they weren't able to assemble it until it was too late-the enemy fleet had already closed in on their location. And although the weasel had already melted two enemy ships, they were now too far left for the gun to traverse, out of range. Too bad. The gun had an effective of 60 miles, and, had it been built quicker, it could have melted so much more.
"Oh, crap, they're out of range," said the weasel.
"So what are we gonna tell Jenkins?" Replied another.
"We're gonna let the Tediz take care of our problems."
"Yep, those little buggers are certainly expandable. But how are you so certain that they will succeed? You remember that one squirrel, the one that became king… he killed over 110 single-handedly.
"They're improved from the older ones, you realize. They have flameproof skin, and protective cast-steel helmets to block head shots. They also have a new "fire-before-stab" attitude, so they don't charge foolishly at an armed opponent with their bayonets."
"I hope you're right. Let's just watch their little bout."
Hundreds of floors below, the Tediz were rushing to their posts, manning machine guns and filling murder holes. Some boarded tanks, which were state-of-the-art of the time. The first was the Class-22, which was originally a captured Class-17 medium tank. It had seen minor radar and suspension upgrades, and was a solid tank with a low-velocity 105mm anti- tank gun. It was also fast and maneuverable, and it had decent protection. Thick armor and reinforced superstructure meant it could withstand at least one shot from a similar gun to any point on its body and not be destroyed. It could also take several direct hits from a T-300 Tediz bazooka, and was virtually invulnerable to most small explosives.
The Tdz-18 heavy tank was the prime heavy tank of the Tediz. It was roughly the same height, but longer and much wider. Its thick armor made it almost invulnerable to the squirrel's anti-armor weapons, and it's high- velocity 120mm gun gave it tremendous range and striking power. It could cripple a squirrel class-19 with a single shot, and do the same to a class- 16 heavy, assuming it didn't hit the frontal armor. It had a 20mm cannon mounted coaxial to the main gun in the turret, and a machine gun and mounted bazooka in the top part of the turret, which could both be pulled out if necessary
"Alright, you know the drill," yelled a weasel Sergeant to a platoon of Tediz and Weasels. "Let's move, move, move! Tediz, out the window! Weasels, into the woods! I want you all mobilized to take out this threat. Jenkins is depending on it."
---
"Attention, squirrels, we are ashore! Repeat, we are ashore!" Barked the Sarge into the intercom. "I want the Battleship Iron Claw and the two remaining destroyers to shoal around to the beach bout a mile down from here. I also want a vehicle lander and 15 troop landers to go with them. You are to destroy any enemy activity! The rest of us, unload here."
Helmet donned, Conker grabbed up his rifle and a single MC-5 submachine gun. He remembered his first horrific assault on a Tediz beach, but this time, they had Armored personnel carriers. These carriers were aboard the vehicle landers, and to get to them safely, they had to connect the two ships via a transport tube. He felt lucky to be aboard a cruiser rather than an unstable, cold, foul-smelling troop lander.
"Ready?" Asked Rick, who grabbed his duffel bag of supplies and headed on out.
"Well, I sure as Hell am not getting any readier," he replied as he walked down the long corridors of the cruiser to the vehicle bay. When he got there, the air immediately stank of fuel and oil. He followed his colorful comrades into an APC, and Henry started it up with a rumble. They slowly backed out of their squeezed parking spot, other Armored Carriers following, and slid down the ramp onto the beach. They saw other, much more flimsy-looking APCs pouring out of the vehicle landers. They housed the foot soldiers, almost all of whom were gray squirrels, and certainly many of which would die.
Suddenly, the empty murder holes above lit up, spraying the APCs, tanks and other vehicles with bullets. But almost as quickly as they started, the artillery of the squirrel's force fired round upon round at the attackers, heavy mortars blasting the fortifications to pieces. Soon the murder holes were devoid of threat, and they were rolling up the beach, only to be stopped by the tank-blockers that littered the beach.
"Oh, crap. How do we make it through?" said Conker.
"You're about to see," said Chamond. As he spoke, the battleships guns were slowly turning to the beach. A thunder arose, as it's powerful rounds slammed into the beach, digging up and tossing aside the tank-blockers. As the APCs slid foreword triumphantly, however, a sudden burst of shells rained upon them from the jungles to the side.
"Oh, Hell! We've got enemy tank movement in the surrounding woods! Fire upon them right now!"
Soon, the night sky was lit up by the pounding of guns from the Pride and Goodfellow, and the artillery howitzers along the beach. Armor piercing shells whizzed through the air, crashing into and destroying APC full of soldiers, knocking out tanks and disabling artillery. A loud "thud" sounded as a shell blasted open the wall of Conker's APC, letting in the cool night air and opening up the sounds of gunfire.
"Okay, guys, I think we'd better go!" Yelled Conker as the tinkle of machine gun fire reverberated inside the vehicle.
"Yeah, I think we should head into the jungle," said Chamond.
"Hold on," said Brendan, pointing to dark shaped pouring out of the trees above. He pulled out his bazooka, fired it with a "poof", and headed off with the others. As the guns were beginning to fall silent, the squirrel battalion had held its position long enough to disperse the rest of its troops into the surrounding jungle.
3 Chapter 13: The Beginning of the End
"I still can't believe he chose me over you," said Berri, icing her forehead.
"He didn't 'choose' me. He thought you are dead," said Fluoresce.
"Yeah, well, he could have done better."
"Why must you be so rude?"
"Why shouldn't I be?"
"Settle down," said the fat weasel. "I'm trying to access the Central News System." He twisted and turned the radio until a scratchy voice was audible.
"We interrupt this broadcast to give you late breaking news of the invasion. The fleet has landed successfully, but only after a mysterious force vaporized two of the ships. One of them, the cruiser Minister, had aboard half of the special tactics squad brought on the mission.
"Oh, no! That might have been Conker!" Shrieked Fluoresce.
"All of the vehicles have landed safely, and tank defenses and a small brigade of enemy armor were destroyed by support from the nearby battleship Iron Claw. The soldiers are now flaying into the woods, and are searching for a way to infiltrate while the two armored companies are holding the ground and firing directly upon the Tediz base."
"Well, it looks like they were doing okay," said Berri. "Let me out there, I'd show those freaks who's boss. Honestly, they're Tedi bears!"
"Well yeah, but they've mastered every form of combat," said Fluoresce.
"They still look pretty pathetic," said Berri.
---
"Okay, boys, good work," said the Sarge as the Battleship Pride helped the 2nd battalion to flush out and destroy hidden Tediz artillery. "Now I want squads 41-60 to go to search in the jungle to the east. Squads 61-80, you come with me to the west, so we may meet back up with the first battalion. And keep on the lookout for any infiltration possibilities! Let's move!"
The Sarge marched into the jungle with his squad following behind. They were inexperienced new recruits, three of which were gray squirrels, and one weasel. Rico didn't like working with new recruits. He hated to see them get injured, die, and he exceptionally hated the fact that this would be their first experience in the field, where they would most likely suffer mental trauma afterwards and be changed forever. He had seen this happen many times, and he wished he could have stayed with Conker to help the special squads. But no, the fresh-faced soldiers needed one strong leader in each platoon, and Rodent was managing the other.
"All right, get down low and huddle quickly," he directed them. They complied, and soon, they were shooting past scrubs and ducking under branches. Sarge popped his head, out, and there, out in a small clearing, he saw four weasels chatting. They were special close-quarters squads, Rico could see clearly as they bore a bulletproof vest, steel helmet and shotgun rather than a rifle.
"SSSHHH! Get down." The soldiers stopped abruptly and crouched.
"I'm so sure you would rather be out here doing guerilla warfare anyway," said one weasel.
"Yes, it beats searching for red squirrels to please that bloody Panther King. I'm glad he's dead."
"Aim for the head! Okey, in three, two, one, now!" whispered the Sarge. The soldiers popped up, then quickly pointed their rifles at the weasels.
"What the," the first one said, but it was too late-the squirrels fired several three-round bursts, aiming directly into their faces. The weasel's heads pulped, and the first 5 dropped to the ground, dead. One of them tried to escape, but Rico pulled out his .44 Stallion magnum and shot him in the back. The powerful bullet went right through his vest and into his spine, killing him.
"Good work, boys. Now, let's keep searching. Let's look around this dirt wall, there has to be a way in." Just as he said that, ropes dropped onto the ground near them. Rico looked up to see four weasels sliding down, shotguns toted in their belt hooks.
"Look out, get them!" He screamed. They aimed their rifles up and sprayed the weasel's legs with bullet fire. 3 of them fell, while the Sarge shot one with the magnum in the bottom of the chin, killing him instantly.
"Regroup," one of them shouted. They backed into each other, them fired their shotguns, just as the squirrels ducked. The fatal phalanx of shotgun shells tore into the plants above their heads. Before they could reload, the squirrels pulled back out and drilled the weasels to their deaths.
"Great job with those troops. Now we just have to get inside. Give me your rope gun," he asked a soldier. Rico fired it above the window, where it stuck firmly, then retracted, pulling him up with it. Once at the top, he rested on the sill, then pulled out his walkie-talkie and ordered everyone else to do the same. Passing down the rope gun, he was glad he'd given one to each group. One by one, the squirrels hoisted themselves up, and into the Tediz base for the first major infiltration.
---
Waves of wartime nostalgia swept over Conker as he passed through jungle patch to jungle patch, staying in cover with his comrades. Every patch he would inspect, every inch of wall he would search out for a door marking… but his squad found nothing. As he came to a large clearing of sandy beach, he heard a fast clinking sound. His heart almost stopped as he remembered the spider-like mines that popped out of the ground in the first base, but it was coming from very far away, and he heard no whine of the proximity sensor.
"Quiet! Get down," he instructed his group. They ducked behind a nearby rock.
"What is it?" Rick whispered.
"I hear it too," said Brandon.
The sound grew louder now. It was definitely coming closer. Conker peeked out from the side. He saw two fat, dark shapes heading toward him. As they stepped into the clearing, the rapid clanking became a "thus, thus- thus-thus-thus-thus-thus" as they lurched foreword. One of them passed a light on the wall, and for a second, he could see clearly a very odd sight- it looked like the frenzy of robotic spider legs on the mines he used to encounter, but on top, there was a fat, bulky upper body. Upon it was the sinister and painfully familiar face of a Tediz, and it was wearing a shiny, silver helmet. For a second, he thought it was one of the giant experiments he'd encountered months before, but it was only a head taller, about 6'2. He saw that like the experiment, one of the arms was a metal claw, and the other was harmlessly stuffed-but unlike the experiment, it had no host or "puppet on it. Below them were two thin metallic arms, each toting what looked like an assault rifle or a heavy machine gun.
Conker heard a shot fire aside him, and turned to face Henry, who was firing sniper bullets into their skulls. The Tediz seemed unharmed. Unharmed, that is, until Brendan fired his bazooka. Bits of fluff flew everywhere and the Tediz creature stopped, its fluff arm and most of its body gone. But it kept coming, until Rick threw a grenade into its fluffy side. It stuck, and they ducked behind the boulder again. The explosion ripped through the air, but it was followed by another-which resulted in the rock being smashed to pieces. Dust cleared to show the second devilish monster toting two bazookas where the guns where. Conker frowned. Just like the giant experiment, this breed of Tedi had interchangeable weapons. Brendan fired again, blowing off its bottom half and most of its legs, as well as knocking its helmet off. This took its aim off, so its shots blasted the dirt, blowing them back several feet. It switched back to machine guns and fired, tearing into Brendan's stomach and upper torso and knocking him to the earth. Chamond pulled out his revolver and fired three shots into its exposed head, taking it down for good.
"Brendan! Are you okay?" exclaimed Henry, lifting Brendan's head and torso.
"Yeah, speak to us, old buddy!" said Rick.
But Brendan only fell limply onto the ground out of Henry's grasp, not even sputtering or shifting. He was stone dead, as bullets had torn into his spine, heart and lungs. Conker knew, at this point on, that they would be facing some very horrible troubles on this viscous high horse they had mounted. He looked back at the Tedi corpse. It sat there, looking blankly at him with its dark, lifeless eyes.
"Well, he was the strongest and bravest of us five. He suffered immensely, took bullets and wounds before, and now his life as a soldier has been abruptly cut short by a few more wounds than he could take," said Henry. "If, maybe we'd shot its limbs off, or its weapons got jammed, just maybe…"
"Alright, that's enough, we have to proceed. Forget about him for a second- remembrance will only be a weakness," said Rick. Right as he finished, gunfire cut through the air. The remaining four cadets jumped behind a tree, Chamond grabbing the bazooka. Peeking out, muzzle flares could be seen in the trees ahead. Chamond fired into the trees, and a steaming dark object pop out. Conker heard muffled, Germanic-sounding swears. These were the Tediz, tried and true, and slightly refurbished from their premier state. Conker pumped rounds at it on the ground, while Henry shot the second one out of the tree with his sniper rifle. As it fell to the ground wounded, Conker alternated between pouring lead into the two in a gory overkill, until they were unrecognizable. As he stood there, his guns smoking, thunder rolled over and it began to rain. Cool wind soothed his rage and made his fur stand on end.
"Relax. These things happen. Besides, I remember packing him a tail," said Rick reassuringly. "If the reaper's anything like mine, he'll bring him back sometime."
It was going to be a long night.
---
Static hissed on the radio as the fat weasel toggled with the reception.
"Come on, 'tis this blasted radio, sodding storm," he said. Finally, the network's five-chime melody sounded through the blizzard.
"We give you more news on the invasion, which has, so far, been quite a success. Beach defenses appear to be minimal, and according to reports from Sergeant Fritz Rico, two infiltration points have already been established. One from him, working with several standard infantry divisions, and another from general Rodent, with the help of several squirrel demolitions experts to blast down one of the outer walls. Still no word from King Conker, although with his past experience and his special squad, we're sure he'll be quite all right. If things keep up as expected, the base should fall in approximately two to three days. I'm Franky Blue, reporting from the S.S.S. Honeybunch."
"Like, what kind of a gay name for a warship is the Honeybunch?" asked Berri.
"I don't know, but I hope that they're right about Conker," said Fluoresce.
"Relax, he said the Tediz were pretty easy to deal with."
"Yeah, but the way he described that professor nut, I'm pretty sure he made them better."
Over the hours they had waited in the castle, Fluoresce and Berri had grown steadily less hateful around each other. They chatted, played chess and Fluoresce introduced Berri to some friends. They were very shocked at her tall, voluptuous figure, her rather rude attitude and her strong language, but this secretly amused them as much, if not more, than it did worry them.
"Well, it's about 2:00 AM, I think I'll be going off to bed," said Fluoresce. She stepped up to the guest bedrooms, and Berri stood there, not at all tired, but desperately missing the exciting world outside of her little cell in Hell. She walked down to the main hall, which was dark and a bit quiet. She knew that the gaurds would not want her up this late, as she would certainly be mistaken for a thief and be questioned. Much as she was annoyed by the proper little Fluoresce, she didn't want to have to wake her to prove her innocence. She was a heavy, strong weasel guard shining a flashlight down the corridor. She quickly stepped behind a stone pedestal, landing with a "thump". She winced, as she had forgotten her ninja training and how she should have landed soundlessly.
"What? All bloody right, who's there?" he said in a deep, husky voice. He strode over to the spot where Berri was. As he got closer, Berri crouched down, preparing to jump. The guard looked behind Berri's pedestal, and Berri jumped right over it onto the other side. The guard, confused, walked around it. Berri tracked his gaze and followed around the other side until she faced the door, where she made a break for it. He turned her way and squinted into the darkness, then aimed his flashlight in her direction. He caught the glimpse of fleeting leg, dismissed it for an illusion, then walked off, minding his own business.
"Sucker," she whispered to herself. She decided to do what she hadn't done in months: fill herself at the Cock and Plucker.