REDs Tiny Big Problem
Mission 3: It's Raining Blood
WAZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP? I decided that I might as well work as fast as I can, since I want you all to enjoy this as much as possible. DISCLAIMEEEEEEER!
Scout: This douche doesn't own anything!
WHY YOU LITTLE! *Strangles Scout, Homer style* ONWAAAAAAAARD!
The RED team awoke like how they normally do, with the Soldier up first, sipping his coffee, the Medic up next, awoken by Archimedes, then the Scout, followed by the rest of the team in random order, with the Demoman always last, with a major hangover. The Engineer came in, wheeling the baby's cradle in. "Ah think we should give the little gal a name." Then the Soldier did a spit take, the Scout choked on his eggs, the Pyro tripped, while he was walking away to eat in his room, the Demoman dropped his whiskey. When they all recovered from the shock, the Scout spit out, "Whaddya think we are? The parents? In case you've forgotten, we're living in a war zone. We don't have enough time to-""ALERT! BLU SPY IN THE BASE!" The Soldier does ANOTHER spit take, and then yells, "A BLU SPY IS IN THE BASE?" Then everyone jumps up, goes to their weaponry, and then run towards the intelligence room. The Engineer halts himself, and then sets up a sentry next to the cradle. Then he smiles at the little miracle contained within the cradle, and runs off.
The Pyro reaches the door first, and he pulls out his Detonator, and he looks to the Heavy, who had just appeared next to him, "Ho hah, hew ho hur." Translation, "Ok, you go first." The Medic gets the message and begins healing his trusted Russian ally, overcharging him. Then the Heavy puts his Brass Beast on his back, cracks his knuckles through the Fists of Steel, and then punches the door down, revealing an intact, and present, intelligence. "Well, zhat vas a vaste of time." The Medic notes. Then the Heavy simply chuckles, and pulls out his Sandvich, and chews on the deliciousness stuffed between two slices of bread. The Sniper then appears, and with the Spy right behind him. Then the Pyro walks over, and tweaks both of their noses. The two cringe in pain, but don't turn into the BLU Spy they're all looking for. The Sniper goes up to the Sniper post to look in case any enemy wants to aid the snake that's slithering in their barracks. The Pyro then decides to sit himself down at the chair, protecting the intelligence with his life. The Heavy and Medic run out and start performing their basic patrol route that they had gone over. The Demoman and Engineer start to set up defenses outside of the intelligence room. The Engineer then realizes that he left his sentry and the cradle in the lounge, and his 'Engineer sense' tells him something, "SPY SAPPING MA SENTRY! AND THE CRADLE!" He then goes at light speed, followed by everyone else when they heard that the baby was in danger. The Soldier rocket jumps himself through the halls. The Pyro Detonator jumps his way to the lounge room, followed by the Spy and Sniper.
When the entire team arrives, their hearts hang heavy. The cradle is open, and the baby's missing, as well as the sentry reduced to a pile of scrap, "Looking for zhis?" Then everyone turns around, and see the BLU Spy holding up the baby, with his Ambassador towards its tiny head. Then the BLU Spy proceeds to ask questions, questions that make everyone VERY nervous, "Vat is a baby doing out here in 2fort? None of you happened to… dare I say… KIDNAP zhis little one? I wonder how zhe Administrator will react to zhat tidbit of information." The RED Spy then calls out, "YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO SPIES EVERYWHERE! SPIES ARE SUPPOSED TO SAP SENTRIES, SLEEP WITH THE ENEMY SCOUT'S MOTHER," "HEY!" "BACKSTAB ENEMIES THAT ARE TOO STUPID AND SLOW TO REACT, AND NOZHING MORE! YOU ARE THREATENING A BABY! A BABY! You should be ashamed!" The BLU Spy then starts laughing, "AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! I didn't know zhere was a code of honor! WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Then he straightens up, and aims the gun at the baby's head again, "You know vhat I want. Give me zhe intelligence, and I give you zhe baby. Don't go after me, and I keep it a secret." Then the Pyro shoots a look at the Demoman, who nods and aims his sticky launcher. He fires at an angle, hitting near the BLU Spy's feet, and sets off the bomb. The BLU Spy is knocked down, while the baby's flung through the air, with the Scout catching her via double jump, "I GOT HER!" Then the BLU Spy looks up, and then finds himself looking down the barrel of a brass minigun, "Oh, fu-" BREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEE! CHACHACHACHACHACHACHACHA! The BLU Spy's face is filled with 400 thousand dollar bullets and the Heavy roars as he unleashes his rage upon the stupid little man. "RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" When he is finished, he breathes heavily, and looks at the bloody mess on the wall and floor. The Engineer then looks at the little one, who had started crying when the minigun went off, "Shhh… It's alright now…" The RED team understood exactly how great the burden the child would represent.
It had been a few hours since the incident with the BLU Spy, and the match was in full swing. The Spy had been mad-dogging his BLU counterpart, in an effort to make him suffer as much as the RED team did, and then more. The Engineer had left the cradle, now repaired, in the intelligence room, so he could keep better track of the girl, who they had agreed to name Madison. The child had been extremely quiet, mostly since the Medic had knocked her out with more of his knockout chemicals, which he put in Scout's Mad Milk, which, when not used as a weapon, actually tasted pretty good. The RED Engineer then grinned as the BLU Scout ran in, using his Bonk drink to go through most of the defenses. It ran out the moment he approached the sentry, which then blasted his tiny body into even tinier pieces, "Just a dead little jackrabbit." The Engineer said to no one in particular. While he sat back, he was working on designs for another kind of sentry, one that could be fully mobile. He called it, the 'Mannly Mutt-chine', and it was simple, for a scientific genius. In its first stage, it was a tank like vehicle, with the level 1 sentry turret. Second level, it had the level 2 sentry turret mounted between its set of caterpillar legs, which allowed it light jumping. Third, it grew a missile launcher tail and a jaguar-esque form, with a single camera lens as an eye. However, it wouldn't be a walk in the park. It needed to take quite a while to build, another long time to transform after an upgrade, and STILL it took some time for him to design the wrench that would accompany it. Before he could work any more on the plans, the RED Scout ran in with the intelligence, and whooped in victory, and requested a high five from his overly intelligent ally. The Engie had to grin, and slammed his hand into the Scout's. Then the Scout dashed to the cradle, lifted up Madison, and gave her a hug before removing himself from the premises.
The Pyro was in wait, positioning himself for the ambush. He knew the prey had come straight into his trap, "Surprise!" The BLU Spy aimed his knife, and then, "AUGH!" When he dropped, there was the RED Spy, wiping blood off of his suit, "You got blood on my suit, asshole." Then the BLU Spy, still alive, tried to call for help, "BLUs! I REQUIRE ASSISTANCE! PLEASE! NO! DON'T DO IT! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Then his head dropped, and the cold grip of death he barely evaded as he reappeared in the respawn room. The Pyro and Spy high fived each other and the Spy disappeared, attempting to position himself for another assault upon the enemy. The Pyro just stayed where he was, then fired off his Degreaser, igniting the Medic and Heavy who had attempted to respond to the calls of the BLU Spy. Then, before the BLU duo could activate Ubercharge, the Pyro hit the Heavy with his Third Degree, an axe that zaps all connected by a Medic's chain healing ray. Then he swung the axe into the ankle of the Medic, and hit the Heavy in the same spot. The Heavy then turned, and used the Killing Gloves of Boxing to crack the Pyro's skull open. Big mistake. The Pyro got up, a sadistic look behind his mask. The medic and Heavy looked at each other, knowing that it's never a good idea to hit the Pyro in the brain. "Do You Believe in Magic?" "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"
The Pyro then skipped away, humming a different tune then the one that normally plays, possibly due to the fact that Madison had affected his mentality,
Come to negotiate, eh, have you, you slimy git, I've got a jar of dirt I've got a jar of dirt
Look what I've got...
I've got a jar of dirt
I've got a jar of dirt
And guess what's inside it
er..."
I've got a jar of dirt
I've got a jar of dirt
I've got a jar of dirt
And guess what's inside itThe BLU Pyro, "Is the jar of dirt going to help?
If you don't want it, give it back."
Then the RED Pyro shot him, "No!"
I've got a jar of dirt
I've got a jar of dirt
As the Pyro finished singing, still in Pyroland, he heard a door. Then he returned to normal, and was face to face with the enemy intelligence room. He then decided to act like he was still in Pyroland, grabbed the briefcase, and skipped off. He wondered how he skipped as high as he does in Pyroland, while still holding all of this heavy equipment. The BLU Sniper, not wanting a repeat of yesterday, decided to put a bullet in the RED Pyro's brain, "And vat do you think you are doing, little man?" He then halted, amazed at how well the Heavy could sneak, and turned around, looking down the barrel of the Brass Beast, "Oh, bugger."
The Pyro then looked at the sound of a minigun, then looked back, shrugged, and ran through his base, intending upon getting back to the intelligence room ASAP. When he did arrive, he saw the BLU Demoman, and Spy, with sappers on all of the Engineer's tools, and the cradle. The Pyro was so angry, he ALMOST went to Pyroland. But he wanted to make sure he REMEMBERED their suffering. He then aimed his Detonator, and fired a shot into the Demoman's shoulder, and the bombs on there. The BLU looked at the area hit, gasped, and exploded, leaving nothing behind, and knocking the BLU Spy towards the cradle, bashing his brain against it. The RED Engineer then proceeded to step on the Spy, and removed the sapper from the cradle. When he finished, he looked at the stupid little Frenchman under his heel, stepped back, and used the Teufort Tooth Kicker. When he was done, he just glared at the now toothless Spy, and said, "That's what it was made for." Then he pulled out his guitar, plucked a few strings, and then killed the Spy with it. Then he started to set up his other machines, and the Pyro dropped off the Intel, and got into position for another ambush.
The Soldier shot the Spy as he tried to walk out of his spawn room, "There are no words to describe HOW MUCH I HATE FRANCE RIGHT NOW!" Apparently, everyone still hated the Spy from the morning, and never would stop. The RED Demoman, using his One Thousand and One Demoknights, then rushed up, and chopped the BLU Medic in the shoulder. Then he and the Soldier met eyes, and smiled in their friendly way. The Soldier took out his Righteous Bison, and began to incinerate the incoming enemies, while the Demoman used his shield to move himself down the corridor towards the Intel room. The Demoknight raised his shield as the BLU Scout hit him with the Boston Basher, and replied with a swift Persian Persuader to the gut. The BLU Scout was to thin for the hit to be successful, and hit the Demoman in the back of the head, causing bleeding. The Demoman kicked the Boston native between the legs with Ali Baba's Wee Booties, and then decapitated the incapacitated Scout. Then he walked right into the path of the BLU Soldier's rocket forcing him to pull back, "AH, CRIPE!" Then he got an idea, despite his current lack of sanity. He then proceeded to run along the wall via the shield dash, and grabbed onto the red pipe on the ceiling. He began to Spiderman with it, until he was right above the BLU, and dropped. He was about to stab, when the enemy BLU pulled out his Market Gardener, and then headbutted the drunken Scotsman. As he did, the black Scottish Cyclops groaned in agony, and wildly swiped with his blade, managing to nick the Soldier in the arm. But before the BLU could aim his rocket launcher, he's blasted by the RED Soldier. The American patriot cries out, "If anyone's gonna hurt that Scotsman, it's gonna be me!" Then he grabs the Demoman's shoulder, and steadies his explosion buddy. The two then proceed to go into the Intel room, and then get back when they realize that there's a sentry in place there. Fortunately, the Soldier's got Tank Buster on, so he jumps out, firing his Black Box, and yells, "TANK MISSILE!" When he does, the rocket collides with the rockets that are fired from the sentry, forcing them to collide. As the sentry tries to aim for its now invisible target, the Demoman runs in, and grabs the Intelligence, and he just RUNS. He uses the charge to escape the room with his explosive weapons buddy, while the Soldier further imitates Tony Stark, firing more Tank Missiles, and blowing everything up.
The duos made it to the sewer beneath the base, and encountered the BLU Heavy and Medic, both scowling, and were NOT going to allow the two to escape with that Intel. The Heavy yells, "CHARGE ME DOCTOR!" Then the Medic sadistically grins, and then pushes the switch, and the Heavy erupts into a blue coating, and then he feels bullets in his side. He looks and sees the RED Heavy and Medic, ubercharged and firing as fast as they can, intending to cover the Soldier and Demo as best they could. Both Russian giants roar, and approach the other, still firing into the other's belly. They are in each other's face, yelling and screaming, still firing Brass Beast and Natasha. The Soldier and Demo escape while the enemies are preoccupied with their ally. They make it back into their own sewer, and see the RED Scout run out, who then complains aloud, "COME ON! I wanted to snatch that Intel!" The Soldier just tassels the Scout's hat, and says, "Maybe next time. But for now, let's-OUGH!" He falls, and a Spy-cicle is in his stomach. The BLU Spy just grins, and aims his Ambassador at the Demoman, intending to blow open his drunken brain. He pulls the trigger, grinning as the RED Demo's brains open up, and flies into the sewer. As he prepares to take the Intel back to base, he hears a gun at the back of his head, "Put down zhe intelligence, and I vill spare your pathetic life for now." The RED Spy had aimed his Big Kill, intending to do to the Spy what the Spy did to the Demo. He pulls back the hammer, and fires when the BLU Spy doesn't obey his command. The BLU Spy ducks under the bullet, ignoring the ringing in his ears, and turns, prying the Spy-cicle from the Soldier's body, and he tries to stab the RED Spy in his open belly. The Spy counters with his own weapon, the Conniver's Kunai. He then twists, and gets into backstab position, but before he could, he receives a bullet in the head. The BLU Sniper is there, with his rifle aimed. He lowers it, and then motions for the BLU Spy to take the Intelligence and run. He turns around, and sees the RED Spy in his face, Conniver's Kunai in his gut. The Sniper dies, saying, "Ah, piss." Then the Spy throws his Kunai at his doppelganger, and then readies his Big Kill, with the Dead Ringer hidden behind his back. The BLU Spy fires his Ambassador, and curses the cooldown period on the weapon, before aiming around, hoping he would get to shoot the RED Spy. He shrugs, looks down. The Intel's not there. He then yells VERY LOUDLY, "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUU!" The RED Spy chuckles and runs as he passes the RED Demoman, who wanted to go solo for now. He fires his Grenade Launcher, and it blows open the BLU Spy, who was under the disguise of the RED Heavy. The RED Spy enters the RED Intel room, and drops off the Intel. The Administrator announces, "VICTORY FOR THE RED TEAM!" The REDs shout and whoop in victory, as the BLUs begin to curse their own dumb luck.
That night…
The REDs hold another victory streak party, and then they hear the Administrator, who proceeds to congratulate the REDs on their win streak, "Ah, it was nothing." The Scout brags, "Tiny babies could not stand up to BIG RED MEN!" The Heavy flexes his muscles to make a point, "Zheir defenses vere weak; our victory was inevitable." The Spy puffs a cigarette, and then pulls out his disguise kit, and plays Angry Birds. Then the Administrator smiles as the others brag of their victory, and then everyone tenses. The Administrator NEVER smiles, so either their in for something BIG, or she's really happy. The former is certain. The latter? Not in a billion years. The Administrator then says, "Then I hope you won't mind it if you are relocated. RED needs you elsewhere." All of their jaws drop, and they begin to shiver at the news. They then simply nod, and the Administrator says, an air of annoyance surrounding her, "And, due to your success streak, you will be given new weapons to accommodate this… promotion, in a way." Then they hear nine boxes drop, and they rush to the items, checking out the new toys.
These items I made up for this fan fiction alone. They are not available content, as far as I know. The Heavy got a new minigun that was more of a Space Marine rifle (YouTube inspired, Heavy Space Marine), the Sasha 1000. The Scout got Bonk! Lightspeed, which increases the user's speed by several hundred times, and you go faster the more health you have to sacrifice. So, make sure that a Medic overcharges you first, and you'll reach maximum speed. The Soldier got the Beamer, a light saber that leaves a burn that forces bleeding. The Medic got the X-shape, a Medigun with a small X-shaped design at the base of the barrel. Instead of an Ubercharge, when you alternate fire with this weapon, it releases a pod that will float above where the Medic deploys it, and heal everyone in the vicinity, but be warned, it CAN be sapped, and you'd best have an Engie in the area. The Demoman received the Electro-popper, which is a sticky launcher that sends an electric wave along the sticky bombs, which disables enemy technology, like sentries; sappers; X-shape's healing pods, and other stuff. The Pyro received a new flamethrower, the Idiot Ignitor. It's a longer range flamethrower, but the afterburn doesn't last as long, and its damage stacks the more you hit a single opponent. The flames don't penetrate, either. The Spy obtained the Afterimage, which is a watch that leaves a copy of the user at least fourteen feet away, and the copy follows your actions, so it could give you away. It does make a good Sniper target, though. The Sniper, speaking of which, got his hands on the All-Seer, a sniper rifle that can see through thin cover (GET YER HEAD OUT OF THE GUTTER!) The rifle is capable of moving through non-living substance, meaning that the Sniper can hit enemies through cover, or keep track of them. Its charge time's horrible, though. As in, several minutes for one charge shot. The ammo count doesn't do it any good, either. Back to business, the Engineer got the Anti-E.T, a shotgun that, "Specializes in bringing pain to anything that doesn't originate from Earth", as well as being able to drain ammo from whoever it hits and turn it into metal for the Engineer. The Administrator then says, "Well, I think that's all. I want you to report to the RED convoy at oh' seven hundred sharp. Any longer, and I WILL become angry. Dismi-""Uh… Ms? Ah hope y'all don't mind, but I did make some designs, and I wanted you to see 'em. Maybe we could use 'em to kick them BLUs asses to Kingdom Come with them?" The Administrator rolls her eyes, and says, "Fine. Just fax them to me. If I think they're battle worthy, I will put in a request to Saxton Hale." The mention of Saxton Hale momentarily made the Sniper jump, and then remembers that Australia's idol isn't there. The Administrator then says, "RED team, dismissed." Then the broadcast ends, and the REDs sit down, toying with their new tools, not knowing that the Administrator is currently giving a similar, but opposite, speech to their sworn enemies, the BLUs.
The next morning…
The REDs got up three hours early to insure their being ready for the Convoy, as well as set up a plan for how to get Madison on board. The Medic gave the idea that the Engineer make the cradle hide itself as a large suitcase, and it could have air holes. When the Soldier brought up the possibility of Madison's crying, they all looked down, disappointed. The Scout says that the Heavy could hide her in his shirt, that way she wouldn't be seen, and if she was heard, he could say it was his stomach. They all actually agreed, and since the Heavy takes the most damage, a torn shirt would mean NOTHING! It was an idiot proof plan, made by idiots. Oh, boy.
Two hours later, the Heavy had altered his shirt enough so he could hide Madison in it, and the Engineer had set up a small kit that had all of Madison's stuff in it that the Heavy would carry. The rest of the team packed their stuff for them.
One hour of packing later…
The RED team sat there, a pile of weapons present, and a slightly bulging Heavy sat next to the other eight. Then the Convoy arrived, and they put their weapons into each classes 'weapon slot'. Apparently, they would have to sort out the weapons themselves.
Later, they were on the train, and the Administrator wasn't present, so the REDs set up the cradle, and unloaded Madison from Heavy's shirt, which now had a pile of drool inside. The Administrator sent a vocal message, stating that the train ride would last three days, and that the BLUs had intercepted them, and was trying to steal the precious cargo that RED company had onboard. Then she stated that the REDs should do the same. The REDs looked at each other, nervously, and then went through their weapons, ready to take on the incoming BLUs.
AY YAY YAY! Well, here's the new chapter. I hope all of you will have the heart and goodwill to stay with me on this. I also am hoping that at least one of you might take the weapons into consideration, and get them working in the Steam Workshop. That would mean so much to me. Ciao!