I completely forgot about this fic. Then a few days ago I looked at the Metroid fan fics and I'm like, "Hey, don't I have a fic written?" I had to go back 14 pages to find it. Since I had nothing better to do over the weekend (besides going to the casino to play roulette), I decided to write. Warning: This is not a Pulitzer Prize written piece of work. Warning #2: God knows when I'll put up chapter 4.

Disclaimer: I do not own Metroid, South Park, Dave Chapelle(quote), 4 Strings, Futurama and other stuff. SpAcEy porno magazines and videos do not exist, thank god.

Chapter 3: When somebody told me that you have a boyfriend, who looks like a girlfriend…

Whew, it's just the strippers… Chef thought to himself. He'd better get to the kitchen and prepare Ridley a greasy breakfast, after all, after a trip like that he has to make the greasiest food ever conceived. "But wait a minute." Chef thought. "Where is Ridley? And more importantly," he looked down in disgust, "Why am I stepping on a huge pile of used condoms?"

68 got up from a huge pile of blankets on the floor. "Did I get laid last night?" he said while looking around with confusion.

Chef pointed at the pile of condoms," Well, some of us released some pressure yesterday, that's for sure."

One of the strippers commented, "Wow, I sure had fun yesterday in that orgy…it was you two, plus a much bigger one..." she extended her arms (?) to show how big Ridley was.

They both wondered, "Hmm…where is Ridley anyways? And were we in an orgy with Ridley?"

Both of them started to throw up, Chef ran to the bathroom. "I'm going to take 3 showers! Hopefully I'll feel clean again!" He said while scrubbing soap furiously across his arm.

"Hey," 68 yelled to be louder than the shower. "It's not considered…you know, "gay" unless he forced it in us, and I doubt that happened. Plus, haven't you seen SpAcEy porno?"

Chef came out of the shower with a towel wrapped around him. "Ok, let's make a deal, this never gets out." 68 agreed.

"What about us? With a couple of bills you can shut us up too!" the strippers demanded.

Ridley, on the other hand, did not have a pleasant night, or so he thought. For one thing, he did not know how he appeared in Phendrana Drifts, or why he had words written all over him (and in some parts shaving cream, and toothpaste), but all he knew is that he was freezing. He looked at the words but they were all upside down. He tried to make an effort to read the words but there was no time for that, several Sheegoths came up to the space pirate leader, and started to growl at him.

"What? You DARE growl at me? Do you know who I am? I said do YOU know who I AM?!" Ridley yelled, clenching one fist close to his face. The Sheegoths did not answer, but looked at each other in confusion. But no matter, they thought in unison, and charged at the dragon, after all, the cold weather must have frozen his wings, and thus making him an easy kill.

But Ridley was underestimated. He ran up to one of them and back-handed it across the face. He looked behind his shoulder, and saw a Sheegoth jumping towards his face, Ridley ducked and swirled around, whipping his tail across the Sheegoth's side. Another Sheegoth took advantage of Ridley being busy with the others fighing him, it threw an iceblast torwards the dragon. He countered with a fireball, and the charges fizzled. Now all of the Sheegoths were seriously re-considering fighting Ridley, and they ran away to the mountains.

"And don't you come back! Yeah! …Oh I got nothing…" Ridley looked down in shame. "Must be that weird soup that chef gave me last night, I can't think straight."

But then he felt the ground shake. He looked at a nearby puddle, and ripples where seen on the surface of the water. He looked up, and the mother of the small Sheegoths appeared.

"Now THERE's a challenge! You want a piece of me? Well, come and get it!" Ridley motioned the creature to come closer. The Sheegoth growed and the epic battle begun.

Back in Magmoor caverns, Chef lying on his bed with nothing to do, thinking about what happened to Ridley last night. First he thought Ridley died accidentally by falling in the lava, but then he realized that he bathed in lava(and some poor space pirate assisted in sponge baths…with ultra high heat resistance sponges no less. The thought of that made Chef queasy.). So what was holding Ridley up? Why wasn't he yelling like a human child and slamming his fist on the table demanding breakfast? Plus, breakfast hour ended 3 hours ago…

"Hey Chef? Isn't it sweet? Ridley died last night!" 68 exclaimed.

"How do you know? I won't believe it unless I see Omega Pirate slurping Ridley's brains out of his skull through his eye socket with a straw." Chef stated with his chin up and arms crossed.

"Wow, looks like you put a lot of thought into that one." 68 looked at Chef with bewilderment.

"What? Don't look at me that way! We both agree that Ridley deserves to die in the worst way possible." Chef said, justifying his previous statement.

"Anyways," 68 continued, "I got reports from Operations in Phendrana Drifts, Major Space Pirate 2 confirmed that while he had to take a piss and had fun writing his name on the snow, he saw a magnificent sight!" 68 explained, while looking up at the ceiling and opening his hands. "He saw Ridley and a huge Sheegoth fighting, and the Sheegoth won! It snapped Ridley's neck in half with just one bite! Then he ran off to report the news."

"I doubt it. How did he get there anyways? And where's the body?"

68 rolled his eyes. "Major Space Pirate 2 doesn't know, and the Sheegoth ate it, duh!" Chef couldn't help but smack his hand on his forehead.

The actual truth: Yes, Ridley got in a fight. But a huge Sheegoth couldn't take down the Space Pirates Army Chief of Staff. "Wait…" Ridley just thought. "Did you just call me 'Army Chief of Staff?' What kind of drugs are you on?"

Sigh The "general" would like to retell the story now.

"That's better. So I did get in a fight with the Sheegoth, but it had nothing on me. Yes, it did bite my neck but not hard enough apparently. I was able to outsmart the stupid beast by tripping it with my tail, then I jumped on its back, grabbed its neck and twisted it really fast, you know, like in those badly dubbed kung-fu movies." Ridley reenacts the move with his hands. "I was like, 'whoa' and it totally, like, died!" he looked surprised, "Wait, did I sound like a stoner just now?" he wondered.

Ridley was flying towards Magmoor caverns. "Watch out assholes, General Ridley is back!" But then he turned to a different direction. "…Right after I cosplay as Shenron at the Anime Convention X on Earth! Hahahahaha! Now to buy green spray paint…" Ridley looked around from one side to the other, making sure no one was hearing him.

Magmoor caverns did not look like Magmoor caverns anymore. Now it was decorated like some underground(literally) techno / trance dance club. The walls were all painted black, there were strobe lights everywhere, and of course, former Major turned DJ was mixing "beats" as he liked to call them. Space Pirates didn't need flourescent bracelets or necklaces, they just waved their glowing scythes in robotic moves.

Love is blind…Love is blind…Love is blind…

Chef was doubting Ridley's death, and was looking down at his drink at the bar. 68 came up to him waving these glowing sticks in the air.

"What's up with you? Everyone is celebrating Ridley's death! You should come celebrate…" 68 was interrupted by the DJ, who said in an over-exagerated sad tone, "And now to give a eulogy to my dear friend, Ridley …oh who am I kidding? Let's dance like it was 2499!" 68 continued, "Anyways, what I was saying…OOOOH, SpAcEy playmates!" and ran off.

Chef groaned. "Do I have to be like Samus and try to find Ridley and kill him myself? There's no way he's dead, he somehow always resurrects, like that Kenny kid on South Park… or maybe…"

He rushed back to his room, and checked the calendar. "What day is it today…" he slid his finger(?) to a circled day on the second week. "Oh shit!" He ran back to the dance club and was pushing his way through the dance floor, trying to find 68.

"Ok ladies, 3 at a time…ok, maybe 4! …let's go back to …my …wait! Where do I live? Oh well…let's go to…the General's room! Ridley's dead…what a nice tribute to his …death by screwing on his royal…bed!" 68 held a bottle of vodka up high, "I'm Ridley now, bitch!" he could barely say any legitimate sentences, but all the playmates giggled while carrying him to the royal chambers. Chef finally caught up to him.

"68! We have to go to earth to that anime convention Ridley was going to! Remember? And you had to buy the costume…"

"I can't…understand you…can you..not tal..k all…" 68 started waving his arms in circles, "nerdy like? You're…not…cool…"

"Shut the fuck up! Ridley's not dead! I can sense it!" Chef yelled while shaking 68 from his collar.

"Did you… just say, 'I can smell it?' Hahahaha… you're so gross, Chef!" 68 said while pointing at him.

"sigh Right now you're no use to me, but by the time we're on Earth you should be sobered up by then…Sorry ladies, maybe some other time." Chef grabbed 68 by one of his arms and put it around him, dragging him out of the room.

"No, screw this…I'll…go to my…own dance club, with blackjack…and hookers!" And because he was to drunk, 68 just bowed his head went along with it.

"Now, let's go to Earth!"

How did Ridley appear in Phendrana Drifts? What obscene language was written all over him? Will Chef and 68 arrive on Earth in time? Will they have to wear diapers so they don't have to make any rest stops? These questions and many more will be answered in the next chapter! Special appearance by Samus Aran!